It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas

It’s finally become clear. This wasn’t about 5G or Bill Gates secretly creating coronavirus so he could get us Googling for things on Bing. This was always about the pandas.

The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.

Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.

With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.

Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.

They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.

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