Man With Eel Up His Bum

Favourite story if the week has to be the one about the man which went to the doctor with an eel up his bum. I bet that stopped him singing Novocaine For The Soul.

However sorry you feel for the man you have too feel more sorry for the eel.

It was in New Zealand and the newspaper that reported it said, "It is unclear how the creature became stuck inside the man." Don't even bother asking, the story always goes the same way. "I was hanging the curtains in nude the when I slipped and landed on [name of object]."

There's so much wrong with that excuse.

1: The one time you wouldn't walk round you're house naked is when you didn't have the curtains to draw.
2: You wouldn't hang the curtains when nude because of the slight chilly draught.
3: You wouldn't want your neighbours to see you naked while hanging curtains because of shrinkage. (See point 2 about the chilly draught.)
4: If you slip and start to fall you clench.
5: Who leaves a lubed up [name of object] just lying around, pointing up, near a window?

Anyway, he went to hospital, was sent for X-rays and a scan, and they confirmed the creature was firmly lodged up his tradesmen's.

Doctors managed to remove the eel. I'm not sure how but for the man's sake I hope it wasn't using the "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly" technique.

In case you don't know, that's based on a children's nursery rhyme where a woman swallowed a fly (you probably guessed that) but then she swallows a spider to eat the fly, because we all know spiders eat flies.

If you you tried the same with the eel guy you'd have to think of something that famously eats eels. All I can think of is Cockneys. Ouch!

>Read the source story


Woman With 8-Hour Orgasms

There's a story in the news about a woman who suffers from a rare medical condition who has multiple orgasms that last for up to 8 hours.

That might seem like a good thing at first but the more you think about it the worse it gets. As a bloke the idea of an 8 hour orgasm is terrifying. It would mean losing so much fluid I'd look like a human sultana. Unless it would be possible to drink protein shakes quick enough to keep up, but then I'd be like a sex version of a cherub water-feature.

And an 8-hour orgasm for a woman may be less life-threatening but imagine the hassle when she doesn't have one but feels she should fake one to spare the man's feelings. That's a longer performance than Ken Dodd does.

The married mum – who was in a TV documentary – faces a constant battle to avoid erotic urges after being diagnosed with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

Well, she's married, so that should help.

She said, "If I had no self-control I don't know if I would ever leave the house. Whereas most women are like 'Not tonight honey, I have a headache', I am always: 'Okay – let's go!'"

So by her own logic all she needs to do is give herself a headache every night and she'll be fine. I have a Celine Dion CD that always works for me.

It said in the newspaper: "Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome is known to affect less than 100 women worldwide – although many victims suffer in silence and new cases are being diagnosed all the time."

Well, when they say "silence". There is probably some noise like, "Oooh " and "Ah". I know what one sounds like, honest.

Another sufferer featured in a TV documentary on this condition said: "I think there are a lot more women out there than anyone can imagine - who are too ashamed or embarrassed - who think they are the only ones."

Or too busy enjoying the porking.

She said she was left fuming when one inconsiderate medic laughed at her. She said: "He had a good snigger about it. I said it's not funny, how would you like it if you had to walk around with an erection 24 hours a day?"

She's right, that would be terrible. God, I'd hate to be a teenager again.

>Read the source story


Citizens Ordered To Flush Toilets On Monday

Residents of Zimbabwe's second-biggest city have been asked to flush their toilets simultaneously on Monday at 7.30pm. That could take some serious planning. It means they'll have to take the laxatives about 4pm.

The plan is to get everyone to flush at the same time to help the sewers. A lot of them are blocked and it is hoped that the synchronised flush will clear them out. It's a risk though. We've all been in that situation when maybe you have used too much paper and not everything goes down, so you have to take a gamble with that second flush. Maybe it'll flush it all away, or maybe the blockage will win and the water level will rise up. Well, they're taking that risk on a city-wide scale. If it doesn't pay off I'll be reporting on wide-scale flooding.

Authorities in Bulawayo, the country's second-largest city (ironic they go straight to number 2), have appealed to residents to flush their toilets to clear built-up waste. The city's mayor says the mass flush will be a weekly event.

Only weekly? They want to get more fibre on the go.

It could work. If everyone flushes at the same time if will create a large blast of water. It's like, if everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time it could cause a tidal wave. There are probably some people in Japan who still think that's what happened.

But it won't just be a big splash that it causes. If everyone pulls the chain at the same time it will also be the loudest flush ever. Anyone on their way into Bulawayo will think, "I'll give it a minute."

And of course, there's another famous side-effect of flushing the loo. You have to feel sorry for whoever is in the shower at 7:30pm on Monday.

>Read the source story

Man Cuts Off Hands To Stop Stealing

An Egyptian man cut off both his hands to stop himself stealing.

Right now his nose is hoping he doesn't have a falling out with his own face.

Ali Afifi had tried to stop nicking stuff but he couldn't, so he decided to take the matter into his own hands (oops, phrasing) and make it so he couldn't steal any more. He cut off his hands. If only there were some other way like, not taking stuff.

He went to the main train station in the western Egyptian town of Tanta four years ago and waited for the train to come his way before putting his hand under its wheels. His dad then had him sent to an asylum, but when he got out he cut off the other hand.

I suppose it shows a level of commitment greater than most of us could ever manage. We struggle to cut down on carbs or to stop smoking and have limited success. Credit where it is due, he does something drastic that will totally work. High fiv... ooh, actually, don't.

For his sake I hope he doesn't walk past a hotel room where someone has left their nice slip-on shoes outside.

>Read the source story


The Truth About Your Teeth [Dental Expert Interview]

A new survey has found that many grown adults believe some pretty stupid myths when it comes to cleaning their teeth. If you're reading this in America you will be unsurprised that this survey was done in the UK as you think we have bad teeth. If you're reading this in Scotland you'll be unsurprised that this survey was done in England as you think we have teeth.

Let me ask you some questions and see which you think are true or just myths.

Do you think you should always brush after a meal?
Do you think brushing can wear away tooth enamel?
Would you brush less if you had bleeding gums?
Do you think the tooth fairy should be charged with breaking and entering?

To find out all about this I interviewed Damien Walmsley, Professor of Restorative Dentistry and a Scientific Advisor for the British Dental Association. If you want to hear the answers to the above questions, and find out the truth behind the myths, listen to the interview below.

Download the mp3

Free Tesco Basket?

A Tesco supermarket has had 500 of its shopping baskets stolen after a 5p charge for plastic carrier bags was introduced last year.

If it's true that Tesco brought in the charge to stop people using as many plastic bags, then mission accomplished.

The store in Denbighshire, north-east Wales, has just 16 baskets left following the surge in theft.  The store has been hit hard since Wales became the first place to introduce a 5p charge for all plastic bags in supermarkets last October.

I understand the thefts on one level. 5p for a crappy bad that splits if any of your items aren't spheres isn't a good deal, especially when they give you a metal basket for free.

And a metal basket is even better than a bag for life, because it could actually last you all life. The bags for life I've bought in the past lasted under a year. Thanks for the vote of confidence Tesco. I know you know I buy some bad food but I should last a few more years.

The tax on plastic bags has seen the number given away by shops fall by up to 96%, according to figures released in July. Good for the environment. Till you add in the environmental cost of making all those metal baskets.

And what happens to all of the baskets? Do people in Wales have a cupboard in the kitchen overflowing with metal baskets, kept "just in case"?

Joking aside, it's wrong. For the sake if spending a little money the locals are nicking baskets and causing everyone inconvenience. Think about it. Why steel a basket when for just one pound you can get a trolley?

>Read the source story


Is Kate Middleton Not Pregnant?

There's no getting away from Kate Middleton at the moment. If you heard the last podcast you'll know I saw the headline "Duchess of Cambridge Topless" and I couldn't work out which one the Duchess of Cambridge was. I thought that was Camilla so I was worried.

Then I actually saw the photos, and I couldn't work out which one the Duchess of Cambridge was. "Is that Kate or Wills? It's a pale, skinny person with no boobs, it could be either!"

But then I worked it out. The pictures have been published in many places throughout Europe and I've seen them so many times they're etches into my memory. I would say they're stored in the Wank Bank, but given who she is they're in the The Royal Bank of Wanking.

And now there's still no rest. A celebrity gossip magazine has said that Kate Middleton is pregnant. Their front cover is a picture of Kate and the headline: "It's Twins!" Which is exactly what I said when I saw the topless pictures.

I honestly don't know if this magazine is right or not, and I don't care. I've looked into it and even if she is pregnant we don't get another bank holiday. I guess it would be nice to have a new royal, but if she is already pregnant and those were her pregnancy boobs on that balcony, I kind of feel sorry for William.

So, what evidence does the magazine have? She was spotted, wait for it... drinking water!

Gotcha! Why else would a land mammal who originally evolved in the oceans, need to add water to their body? What's more likely, she's pregnant or she was thirsty? It's pregnant all the way, right?

And Star Magazine also tried to prove she was up the royal duff by showing she had the beginnings of a baby bump. But pictures on the internet show the same picture without the bump. So it looks like she has been airbrushed to make her look pregnant. And here's the stinger in the tail. The belly that they have electronically added to her to make her look like she is carrying twins... is still smaller than my natural belly. Ouch!

>Read the source story


Kylie at the Holy Motors Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

I was lucky enough to attend the premiere of the new film Holy Motors. It was the day after I went to the screening (you can read the review of Holy Motors here). While we didn't get to speak to the director, and the lead actor wasn't there, little Kylie Minogue turned up.

It was amazing to see her in the flesh. OK, I had pangs of guilt as I remembered the role her 2004 official calendar played in my development. Wow, July was a very good month. I didn't get a tan that year.

Kylie Holy MotorsKylie Holy MotorsKylie Holy MotorsKylie Holy Motors

It wasn't the smoothest of red carpet interview environments but you can hear what happened below.

Or downloads the mp3 here

But the big question for me what, what did she think of the film and what it meant. Here's the closest we got to an answer in this video clip...

See it on YouTube

Holy Motors is out on September 28th.

Nick Clegg Is Sorry

Good news students, as you plough head-first into a life of debt, Nick Clegg is sorry about the whole tuition fee thing. I'm sure that's made you feel much better.

Speaking ahead of the party conference in Brighton, the Deputy Prime Minister said sorry for supporting a rise in fees when the party had pledged not to support an increase before the last General Election.

But to be fair to him, he's a Lib Dem, and he never thought he'd actually have to follow through on any of the promises he made. He's lucky they took "a free hover-pad for everyone" out of their manifesto.

It now costs students up to £9,000 a year to go to university. At first I didn't care because I have already been through uni, but then I realised I need to think about the next level. If I have kids I just pray they're as thick as pig sh*t. I can't afford anything else.

Clegg said: "There's no easy way to say this: we made a pledge, we didn't stick to it - and for that I am sorry."

As ever with politicians, the wording is key. It reads like he's not saying sorry for breaking the pledge, he's sorry he made the pledge in the first place. That's like an unfaithful husband who doesn't apologise for sleeping with his secretary, but he says sorry for repeating the vows after the vicar said them.

For all Nick's talk about not doing things to help the rich, the tuition fee issues really did. The definition of being rich isn't just "having lots of money", it's "having more money than everyone else". If everyone can go to university and get a good job there's a bit of a leveling effect. More of the poor can earn OK money. But if only the already rich can afford to give their children the benefits of a tertiary education they'll be the only ones who earn the good money. And that means the "job creators" can get away with paying the low earning poor such a small wage.

There's only two ways to stop someone like me thinking this. One is to prove to me that the Government really has my best interests at heart, and the other is to stop people like me getting a proper education in the first place. I think they're going with Plan B.

Back to Nick Clegg, he said: "We made a promise before the election that we would vote against any rise in fees under any circumstances. But that was a mistake. It was a pledge made with the best of intentions - but we shouldn't have made a promise we weren't absolutely sure we could deliver."

If only the Royal Mail stuck to that rule it would be a step in the right direction.

>Read the source story


Naked Scanners Scrapped

Airport body scanners that show the passengers naked are to be scraped. I'm not surprised. Have you seen the general public? If your job involved looking at them naked you'd want out too. It must be like watching specialist porn.

The security system failed to get EU backing apparently. And normally Europeans are all for checking out nudity, as Kate Middleton found out.

The problem with the old system was, people didn't like the idea of some security guard sitting in a room somewhere looking at their naked outline. But did anyone really think they'd be perving over their pics? They may show you naked but not in a normal way. If you're lying on a bed in the nude, maybe you look good. But if you're filmed with you clothes still pulling some bits in like a super market chicken you're not going to be stored away in some guy's Royal Bank of Wank. However stunning I'm sure you are, blurry in black and white with your bits squished, you're not going to beat the internet when it comes to "things to perv over".

The plan is to use a new "privacy friendly" system. That's a system that can still film you naked but no human actually watches it. Hmm, nudity but no one watches. They should call it "Big Brother".

>Read the source story


Car Crashes Into A House

This is a worrying story. A couple were lying in bed when a car crashed through the wall of their house into their bedroom.

I've woken up to find some scary things next to me on a Sunday morning, but they were always people. Imagine coming to, rolling over and finding a silver Lexus in bed with you. You'd think, "Wow. I must've been desperate."

Apparently the car left the road near their house in Epsom, Surrey, hit their car which acted as a ramp and launched the Lexus into the air. And as it was a Lexus you know it didn't even indicate before going into their house.

I expect the driver's statement includes the phrase, "I was driving along and this house just came out of nowhere."

In the newspaper it quotes one neighbour as saying the car sounded like "a plane falling out of the sky" when it crashed into the family home. Good call. Most people have never heard a car crash into a house, so what's something that we can all relate it to? Oh yeah, that common sound of a plane falling out of the sky. If that neighbour has actually heard both maybe he's the jinx.

The driver of the car and the two passengers were taken to hospital with minor injuries, but the family inside escaped without a scratch.

It seems terrifying, but as it was in the morning I probably would've been too groggy to realise the true horror. I would've leaned over and hit the bonnet to snooze it for 9 minutes.

>Read the source story


Film Review: Holy Motors

Warning: Contains scenes of mild spoilers.

I travelled in to the Soho area of London to see a screening of a new, challenging piece of French cinema that was a big deal at this year's Cannes. I was feeling pretty fancy pants. I drank my pre-show espresso with an out-stretched pinky that day. But I came back down to Earth with a thud when I realised what this film reminded me of... Quantum Leap.

In the new Leos Carax film, stage actor Denis Lavant plays a man who is driven round in one of many limos, his one is chauffeured by Céline, played by Edith Scob. She drops him off to do various jobs. These jobs include being a homeless woman, Eva Mendes's abductor/hair-eater, bad father, a man who is sent to kill his own hairy lookalike... and they were just the ones I understood. There's one job where he seems to become a motion-capture porn star who has sex with a contortionist. That's one way to make ends meet.

It's the jumping from one life to the next that makes it feel like an arty version of Quantum Leap. I half expected the start of each vignette to have Lavant's character, Monsieur Oscar, say, "Oh boy!" Well, maybe the subtitles would print it and he would say, "Oh garçon!"

With each scene comes a different cinematic style, although these could've been more pronounced. It always had that very French, morbid feel to it. And I'm not being harsh in calling it morbid; the main character dies three times but it doesn't seem to bother him. It makes the start of Crank 2: High Voltage seem realistic.

This film makes David Lynch's Lost Highway look sane. And there's a shot of headlights lighting up the road ahead that reminds us of that fact.

I stuck with it and I thought I started to get it. Our lives can be seen as performances, all linked together, and the limos are the divine link that exists between all humans. I even understood a scene that may have had an interesting comment about the wearing of the burqa in France. Yep, I was finally starting to understand what it had to say. And then we saw Monsieur Oscar is married to a chimp and I just gave in.

Lavant certainly shows he can act the pants off the good looking Hollywood set, and this is a treat for the eyes and a bit of the left-brain. And this is where the split comes. If you're a fan of experimental French cinema this film would be right up your street and a big 5-stars from you. And if you are, you probably already know about it and won't use this site for your info.

If you're not into this kind of cinema it might leave you thinking, "And what was the point of that again?"

Oh, unless you're not a Kylie fan, in which case you get to see her die. Oh boy!

See the trailer:

Holy Motors is out on September 28th.


1/3 of Men Can't See The Point

One in three men are so fat they can't see their own penises.

Looking on the bright side, if you have ever seen a picture of a naked fat man you'll know he's not missing out on seeing that much.

A shocking 33 per cent of 35 to 60-year-olds are so overweight that their manhood is hidden from sight when they stand upright and look downwards.

Of course you have to be careful with news stories like this. This data has been spun by the health nazis who keep telling us to eat less and do more exercise. It could also have been spun this way...

"A shocking 33 per cent of 35 to 60-year-olds have such small tadgers that their manhood is hidden from sight when they stand upright and look downwards."

But you won't hear that story in the news because big business makes money out of selling diet products, or something like that.

The figures show more than 5.6million men in Britain are potentially dangerously overweight and risk knocking up to nine years off their lifespan through strokes.

Strokes? Yeah right, while they can still reach it.

Meanwhile a staggering 44 per cent of those aged between 51 and 60 fail the ’spot the penis’ test, says the research. But that could be down to failing eyesight. This is a complex issue.

This is in the news because of a new campaign by the website WeLoveOurHealth.co.uk which has launched the "Big Check". They say it's an easy DIY test that men can do to see if they're worrying obese.

I'm not so sure. If you haven't seen your penis in a while, you're fat but don't let it get to you. But if no one has seen your penis in a while, that's when you really need to worry.

>Read the source story

Podcast 36 - Kate Middleton Topless, iPhone5 and Exes

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 36. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Kate Middleton Topless (starts 01:37)
The new iPhone 5 (starts 06:25)
And Ex-Partners Are Crazy (starts 10:13)

More Options

  Subscribe on iTunes

Download the mp3

Download from the back-up server

Get email alert when new podcast is released

Subscribe to the RSS feed

Get the podcast via bit torrent

Listen via the SomeNews Android app

Email Email this podcast to a friend

Share Pass it on  



Heidi Klum vs Seal

Heidi Klum and Seal are getting divorced and it looks like it's turning into a war of words. Although a war of words between an 80s singer and a supermodel could run low on ammunition.

Seal said that she was "fornicating with the help" because she had a fling with her bodyguard.

At least she's giving him an incentive to keep guarding her body. It makes for a good worth ethic. And why not? Most couples meet in the workplace, just because she's the workplace shouldn't be a problem.

It's good that she has someone who cares for her and it looking after her during this period. And most bodyguards aren't just thugs. They are trained in interpersonal skills, survival, and even mechanics.

If her car breaks down the bodyguard will pop the hood, take and look and say, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

And she'll say, "Well, before we were married, but less so after."

>Read the source story


No More Respect

Respect Party leader Salma Yaqoob has resigned and quit the party, blaming a "breakdown in trust" at senior levels.

A breakdown in trust? It kind of seems like what that party is lacking is some "respect". It's ironic that what the party lacks is exactly what the party is called, but it's not the first time it's happened.

The Tories once ran a successful ad campaign that said "Labour Isn't Working", which highlighted the irony that a party called Labour had given us unemployment, and wasn't a protest by new fathers who'd just got home from a hard day's work to hear all about how "tough" the birth was.

Right now the Conservative Party aren't managing to "conserve" much when it comes to the National Health Service.

Recently I got a leaflet through the door about the Green Party.

It seems that whatever you call a party, the reverse will at some point become true. That means that the Monster Raving Loony Party are probably a sensible bet for the next election. And it's not just in politics, all party names are wrong. Ever had someone throw you a surprise party? I bet they did it near your birthday. How is that a surprise? That's exactly when you'd be expecting it. If you're going to throw someone a surprise party do it near your birthday, not theirs. It'll give then a surprise and give you a nice night out.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, maybe the Respect party is all about having self-respect. Hmm, George Galloway once wore a leotard on TV and meowed like a cat for our entertainment. Nope, it's clearly not about self-respect either.

>Read the source story


Kristen Stewart's Lickable Armpits

Kristen Stewart is in Vogue and in there we find out some details about her former relationship with Robert Pattinson. Apparently he used to like to lick her armpits.

I know what you're thinking, "That's wrong." But it's not as wrong as being unfaithful with married film director Rupert Sanders, just to put it into perspective.

She said it was because they enjoyed each other's smell. I guess that makes sense. It's the logical conclusion to all those Impulse and Lynx adverts. If members of the opposite sex are willing to run through traffic just because of your deodorant when they get there they'll tuck in to where you sprayed it.

I should point out that the last paragraph is not based on any real science, before blokes start spraying full cans if Lynx Africa down their pants.

But it does seem odd. In fact it's on my small list of "things I can knock before I try". Besides, even if I wanted to try it I don't have Kristen's number.

May be it was method acting. Robert played the vampire Edward in Twilight. For a vampire licking under Bella's armpit is like when we dip our finger in soup for a taste.

So, for all of those girls who went weak at the knees thinking about being with Edward, remember he'd be licking your armpits whenever he got peckish. But Jacob was like a dog, and they go round sniffing the bums of anyone they fancy, so maybe the armpit licker is the lesser if two evils.

>Read the source story


Podcast 35 - Paralympics, Reshuffles and Lies



Anna Karenina Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

The new film version of Anna Karenina comes out on Friday and I was at the premiere in London. The red carpet was lit with chandeliers which added to the period feel of the film. And the weather held out as the celebrities arrived.

Members of the cast such as Jude Law, Keira Knightley, Matthew Macfadyen and Aaron Johnson were there along with the director Joe Wright and the screenwriter Tom Stoppard. (See pictures below) I got to have a quick chat as they dashed in to see the film and I got some snaps, some audio and even some video.

You can listen to the interviews below, or download the mp3.

Or downloads the mp3 here.

And actress Alicia Vikander, who plays Kitty, was also there, and we caught her on film...

See it on YouTube

And if you'd like to read my review of the film click here.

And you can hear me talking about the film and what happened at the red carpet on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London this Saturday at 9:30pm.



Film Review: Anna Karenina

They say "never start with an apology," so I'm sorry to have to do this. I went to see the new film version of Anna Karenina without reading the original book by Tolstoy. It's just that I'm a slow reader in my 30s, there's a strong chance I would've died with this as my great unfinished film review.

The new Joe Wright version starring Keira Kinghtley and Jude Law; it's the story of infidelity and its affects on some Russian aristocracy in 1870. On the way to the screening I was hearing news reports about state of the UK economy and it's hard to care about the plight of some rich, very dead, people. But this film soon draws you in and you realise it's not about their situation, it's about the emotions we all have. If everyone who had or considered having an affair went to see this film it would be the biggest grossing picture of all time. Heck, even Jude Law would have to pay to see himself.

While it is a film based on a book, the style of the film is more like a play. The scene transition are often done by the extras moving the scenery around. At the start this feels like a gimmick to make this not just another period drama (keeping Knightley employed) but when the pace picks up it's a nice way to convey how swept up in it all the characters are. Wright shows us that all the world is a stage, it's just a shame Tolstoy wasn't the one who coined it or it would've been a very clever directorial trick.

Jude Law is the one doing the acting masterclass in this as he rarely gets to raise his voice but shows all the emotions bubbly under. I wonder what he draws on to play someone who is forgiving of infidelity? Hmm. Maybe the end of his relationship with Sienna was just method acting way in advance.

It's nice to see Brits who aren't all playing super villains. OK they're playing Russians, but it's a step in the right direction. And it is a long film, but it's written by the guy who wrote War And Peace so what was I expecting?

It's interesting more than gripping and it's basically an artistic and well acted Jeremy Kyle Show. But it has good morals without ever being preachy.

See the pictures and interviews from the Anna Karenina premiere here.

Anna Karenina is out on September 7th. You can hear my full review on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London, this Saturday at 9:30pm.


Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com



The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.


If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Blog Archive