Prince Philip Speaks To Corona Workers

Prince Philip has praised the key workers helping to fight the coronavirus. That is a sentiment that you have to agree with. These people are working so hard to save lives. Surely no one could sit around and rib the Prince for what he said.

Well, you’d think that, but I do have a lot of spare time on my hands.

It’s nice that he sent a message to the NHS workers, but he doesn’t need them. He must get the finest care available from the top private people. That’s like some royals Zoom messaging some state schools. *Remembers that exactly what William and Kate did last week*

They’re mocking us. It’s like posh people talking about how much they love going to Aldi for the wines.

The prince praised the "vital and urgent work" being done by key workers. And I imagine he added that he was sorry he couldn’t be there in person to add some racially dodgy comments to the nurses himself. It’s not the same if he doesn’t. It’s like booking Rod Hull and him turning up without the emu.

If Philip wants to make some dodgy comments he should act quickly. When these people are wearing the correct PPE, with the masks and eye protection getting in the way, it’ll be hard to work out what thing you shouldn’t say. That PPE could arrive at any minute, so now is the best time for him.

The thin, white Duke wrote the message to mark World Immunisation Week.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that was a week. For me, every week is an immunisation week. Normally I would be in favour of anything that rubs it in the face of the anti-vaxxers but I have started to feel a little sorry for them. They have been oddly quiet. With experts rushing to find a vaccine for this coronavirus it is a bad time to be talking about how you don’t like vaccines.

The Flat Earthers can believe what they want and no one dies from falling off the Earth, but being an anti-vaxxer during a pandemic is tricky. I suppose it is a akin to living during a famine but being the kind of person who goes on about the 5:2 diet.

Philip is currently following self-isolating and social distancing guidelines along with the Queen at Windsor Castle. I have never lived in a castle but it must be hard to not self-isolate. You could get lost in a wing and avoid humans for days. When you live in a one-bed flat, it’s more of a challenge.

So, he took time while sitting around at home to publish a message about the current situation. That’s basically what I’m doing with all the podcasts and videos I’m producing.

The only difference is, people actually care what he has to say. So yeah, turns out I can’t really mock him for it.

➡Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

---

 | 📹 WATCH (CIQSP Live Show)
 | 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
 | 📕 READ (the ebook)
 | 📺 WATCH (The new series of The Mash Report)
 | 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up) - Currently all cancelled obvs
 | ☕ TIP (Help by donating)

Read More

Should We Wear Face Masks At Work?

Should we wear a mask or not? This is becoming the coronavirus-related issue I struggle with the most.

What I liked about the Covid-19 pandemic – and you have to go some to find the bits you like about a pandemic – was that we had put our trust in the experts again. After Brexit had made us thumb our noses at anyone foolish enough to actually do the learning, there was nothing like the imminent fear of death to make us like experts again.

We trusted the profs. Boris trusted them. Boris stood within two metres of them to do some press conferences.

On the issue of masks, the experts told us we didn’t need them. They said that they weren’t proven and that they didn’t filter out things as small as a pesky little RNA-filled bag of protein like Covid-19 so what would be the point?

I believed them because they were the experts. For a small second I thought to myself, “Isn’t Covid-19 spread in aerosols of breathed out spittle, so the issue should be the diameter of those rather than the size of a virus? But whatever man, they’re the ones with the qualifications.”

Then the news told us that countries that had forced their people to wear masks out of the house were doing better than us with lower transmission and death rates. Now our papers are telling us we may have to wear masks when we go back to work.

That is going to be quite a culture shock. After three weeks of lockdown I am not sure I’ll get used to wearing trousers again, let alone wearing something new.

Yes, having the lower part of your face covered will make it easier to pretend to be interested in meetings. And yes, making everyone wear a mask will spare us from the Darren from Accounts and his wicked bad breath. But there are downsides too.

Anyone who reads lips will take this personally.

Remember, if we have to wear face masks, the key is to wear them on our faces. I see so many people with the mask pulled down around their chins because they’re talking on the phone. Wearing a face mask on your chin is like wearing a condom on your balls.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

---

 | 📹 WATCH (CIQSP Live Show)
 | 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
 | 📕 READ (the ebook)
 | 📺 WATCH (The new series of The Mash Report)
 | 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up) - Currently all cancelled obvs
 | ☕ TIP (Help by donating)

Read More

Police 'Ignore' Odd-Numbered Houses

The Leicestershire police force came up with an interesting way to deal with cuts. Because they say their officers are being stretched too far they had a plan to lighten the workload – they would only attend attempted burglaries at houses with an even street number.

At first glance you think it would halve the work but actually it will probably reduce it more. If you were a burglar and you'd heard that story you'd focus more of your efforts on the odd-numbered houses.

In fact if I lived in a house with an even number I'd be temped to nick stuff from my neighbours. What are they going to do? If they call the police they won't pay me a visit. And if my neighbours nick their stuff back I'll call the cops and get them arrested.

Leicestershire Police said the pilot scheme had had no adverse effect on public satisfaction or crime rates. Before we believe that can we just check that they weren't only surveying people who live in even-numbered houses, because they've got form.

Apparently this success could mean the scheme may be rolled out throughout the East Midlands. You know it won't stop there. Before long they will have this system in place across the whole UK, and then they'll still complain about funds, so they'll change it so only crimes in houses with a prime number will be investigated.

“That's not fair,” we'll all say.
“Yes it is,” the police spokesperson will answer, “There are an infinite number of prime numbers.”

I can see where this is heading, and that's why I have applied to change the number of my house to the square root of minus 1.

>Read the source story

Read More

A New Royal Baby

Another royal baby. Could it be happening? Yes it could. In as much as things that are possible could be happening. Global warming could be just about to kill us all, Greece could be about to have a closing down sale and Rihanna could be wearing clothes. You just never know.

The reason that we're all going royal baby crazy is that Prince William reportedly hinted that there may already be a bun in Kate's carb-free oven when he was visiting New Zealand. Shawl-maker Geordie Cynthia Read had made a shawl for little baby George. When she handed it to William he is reported as saying: "You might have to make another one soon."

Boom! The world implodes. Front pages of national newspapers spring into action because they think he means there'll be another baby. But hold on. It could mean that he thinks the workmanship on that shawl is terrible. "You might have to make another one soon... because this looks like it'll last a week. What are you, a one-woman Primark?"

Maybe he liked the shawl and wanted one for himself. Or possibly he is a sensible man and wanted a spare. You can never have too many shawls.

Cynthia said: "The way William said it was like he was dropping a hint, letting me in on a secret." Yeah, that makes sense. A shawl-maker is like a bartender, they're the person you tell your secrets too... at a public event... where there's press.

Thinking about that next shawl she added: "Obviously if I'm asked to do another one, I would be honoured – but we'll wait and see." Yes, wait and see before you start making a shawl. Put it on the front page of a national newspaper, put the story in the news archive forever, all off the back of one comment, but don't rush into making another shawl. That would be silly.

>Read the source story

P.S. The new baby gets talked about in the latest radio show podcast here

Read More

Saharan Smog Hits UK

Just when we have recovered from floods in the UK, that's when we're attacked by our own water supply, the air in the south of England is trying to kill us.

Thankfully it doesn't bother me, I try not to breathe too much anyway. But thanks to pollution from Europe and sand from the Sahara our air is dangerous. Typical. Dust particles from abroad, coming over here, doing the jobs of our particles, etc, etc.

Some news sites covered the story by asking, "Did you find red dirt on your car this morning?" They haven't seen my car or they wouldn't bother asking. Yes, there's dirt on it every morning and of all different colours. My car looks like it was decorated at the Alum Bay gift shop on the Isle of Wight. (There's a niche reference.)

The advice has been to stay indoors and avoid doing any strenuous exercise. Or as I call it, "Carry on as normal." But some people who have gone out into it tried to stay healthy by wearing those strange looking face masks to filter out the dust. If you have been wearing those and not doing the Bane from Batman voice you have wasted your time.

I've decided not to hide from it, so today I was out in the European pollution and the Saharan dust, mainly because that's the closest thing to a holiday I have had in years. It wasn't too bad. When I first left the house I thought, "Wow! The air is bad bad you can actually see it." And then I cleaned my glasses.

So don't shy from it, get out there and collect as much sand from your car as you can. Bag it up. We'll need it the next time we have floods.

Read More

Cheryl Cole & Simon Cowell Fight For Louis

The Sun's front page tells us: "Cheryl and Si battle over Louis"

And you think, "Aw, that's sad. Well, maybe Cheryl should get custody and Simon can take him to the zoo on the weekends."

It turns out the issue is that they don't agree on whether Louis Walsh should still be on the show. Simon is keen on keeping Louis on the show, probably because of his years of experience but more probably because Louis has some photos somewhere just in case.

Meanwhile Cheryl has said: "I would prefer another woman." Which kind of makes Louis the perfect compromise, but they don't see it that way.

It's a tricky issue to resolve as Simon had previously said: "When Cheryl came back we decided we'd agree together. I'm not going to put someone beside her who she hates." Bad news for Lilly Allen. And most toilet attendants.

So it looks like the next series of X Factor might not feature Louis Walse. Oh well, he'll just have to go back to... erm, well he can do his other work of... erm... what age can you get the state pension now?

>Read the source story

Read More

The Migrants Are Coming!

Happy New Year to you. I write this from under a den I have created from sofa cushions and a dressing gown over the end. I'm hiding for my own safety. According to the newspapers the migrant flood from Romania and Bulgaria has started today so I can only assume that outside of my den we're awash with foreigners. I hope this message gets to you before one of them takes my job and writes this website for me.

The papers have been telling us to expect masses of immigrants coming over here, living off the state, etc. The 1st of January saw the restrictions lifted on their low skilled workers coming here so no wonder I was worried. It's hard to see how bad things are from inside my comfy fortress but as I was climbing in I saw that the first plane full had landed in Luton airport. They showed the one Romanian migrant who was on that plane getting off, saying he wanted to clean cars. Damn it! That was going to be my job if this media lark didn't work out.

The fact that there was only one guy on this plane wasn't quite what had been expected. It said in the paper, "At least 5,000 are expected in the first week alone." The 4,999 must've got a later flight. If you don't check in on time they can be right sticklers.

Anyway, many are thought to be arriving by coach not plane. The coaches have to travel 1,600 miles across many countries to get here. When they arrive they'll be filthy. So that's why they send over the car washer first. My god, they're clever.

When the wannbe car washer got off the plane he was greeted by Home Affairs Select Committee chairman Keith Vaz. It's a great plan. If anything will make them get right back on the return flight...

I saw on the news Keith taking the new migrant for a coffee. A coffee that he'll put through on expenses I bet. A coffee they we, the tax payers, will fund. See, they're living off the state already!

While the start may have been slow the news websites still seem to think that thousands of migrants will be making the journey from impoverished villages to fly to Luton. And when you think about it, the crime, the poverty, the basic lack of sanitation, the low education levels and poor health it is depressing. But it's their fault for going to Luton.

>Read the source story

Read More

Cameron's Bread Defence

Some people annoy me. There, I said it.

I did a joke on Twitter about the headline on The Times. They went with, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron", and I said, "He's right. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere."

Someone took umbrage with that, and by the look it is, the problem they had with me was because I said, "He's right." I agreed with David Cameron.

They didn't see that those two words are needed to set up the joke. It can't go, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron. He's over-privileged, entitled scum. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere." That just doesn't flow. If it's part of a joke you really shouldn't take it too seriously. If someone tweets, "Two bears walk into a bar," you don't have to try to find out which bar and call animal rescue. It's a joke. Even if you don't think it's funny, have the sense to recognise the format and go with it.

But it made me realise, some people are so blinded by party politics that they ignore the logic of what you say just to focus on their hatred of the people you're talking about. So, in honour of exactly those people I am going to do something that I don't think has ever been done on this website since it started, I am going to defend David Cameron. See, stupid people, look what you made me do.

David Cameron was asked in a radio interview if he knew the price of value bread, and he got it wrong. He said he didn't buy that bread as he "has a breadmaker". And he does. She's called Svetlana and she's on minimum wage.

But why is it a problem that he can't remember the prices of items in the shops? There's little to be gained by making our politicians play a version of Supermarket Sweep. We don't even get to see Dale, so it's pointless.

It's not like you'd ever need to send David Cameron down the shops for you. He'd be a terrible choice for that task. This is a man who leaves his own children in a pub so he'd definitely forget some items from your list.

And if he actually does go to the shops to buy bread I'd be the first to say, "Oi! Cameron. Get Tesco to deliver this stuff, you're meant to be running the country." So, he doesn't know the price of bread and I say, so what? That's not the reason to judge him. There are many reasons, but that's not one.

There we go, defending David Cameron. Next time, people on Twitter, read the context as well as the content, or I'll have to say nice things about Boris Johnson, and that could hurt me more than it hurts you.

>Read the source story

Read More

Free Meals For Kids - DM

Front of the Daily Mail tells us "FREE SCHOOL MEALS FOR EVERY CHILD UP TO SEVEN"

That sounds like a fair trade. So if I take a child into a school I get a free meal? It's like a food bank but with the added bonus of getting rid of any kids I find hanging around. It's just a shame you can only trade in up to 7. I suppose it's there so tramps don't go round scooping up spare kids from bins to trade them in for meals. I may be thinking about soft drink cans, but whatevs.

It's a strange plan as, I don't know if you have seen any kids but, the one thing they look like they don't need is more food. Childhood obesity is a worry at the moment and they solution is to give out free food.

Then again, I can't judge. Another big concern in the UK is binge drinking among professional women and yet I try to buy them drinks whenever I can.

Read More

Kelly's Danny Sext A Sugababe

Everyone seems shocked that Danny Cipriani did the unbelievable, he cheated on Kelly Brook. Why would you do that? It's like they say, why would you go out for a burger when you have steak at home? But the trouble with having steak at home is that you have to put a lot of effort into getting it ready. When you go out for a burger, it's right there on a plate.

And sometimes, even when you spend ages getting the steak ready, it can seem a little dry.

The latest rumour is that Danny sent lewd texts to Amelle Berrabah from the Sugababes while still dating Kelly Brook. This is what's wrong with the modern world. This would never have happened in the old days. With the original Sugababes no one would sext them.

Looking at the timeline Danny had a two-month fling with the Sugababe earlier this year, but he didn't stop the flirting when he rekindling his relationship with Kelly in February. And they say men can't multitask.

A source said Kelly was "humiliated" after discovering Danny was not only cheating with random strangers, but also celeb mates in their showbiz circles. Yeah, because having sex with strangers is totally understandable, he plays sport after all, but other celebs? Tut Danny, tut.

The problem is, men like him don't know which side their bread's buttered on. Which is a shame because they could stay at home and have a nice steak sandwich.

>Read the source story

Read More

NHS Boob-Job Woman Sues

Josie Cunningham's back in the news. She's the woman who got on the front pages after she was given a boob job on the NHS. That's the country we live in now, it's front page news when someone gets any kind of job.

She wanted to be a glamour model and at an expense of £4,800 we tax payers all had a whip-round and bought her some new boobs. In some ways it means her chest is like RBS - funded by the tax payer and, well, it's a bunch of tits.

Now the papers are saying she wants to sue the NHS for compensation, as the chest she was given is too large. There's been a backlash, The Taxpayers' Alliance hit out: "She appears to want to milk the NHS and taxpayers." Looking at the pictures, the feeling is mutual.

I don't know if she should've had the surgery or not, I am clearly not an expert on such matters, although I have probably put the hours of study in. The trouble with story is, if someone needs surgery to help them with a physical condition that is having a negative emotional affect on them, this kind of coverage could put them off seeing their doctors. If you vilify this woman you could hurt others.

But before we get too caught up in the empathy, it's worth remembering that you need more than just big false boobs to make it as a glamour model these days. You also need publicity. So, threaten to sue the NHS, whip up some anger and get yourself into the glamour business. Then she'll do well, pay tax. You see, we put the tax payers' money in but within a few years we could get more than that money back.

So in that way, her chest is nothing like RBS.

>Read the source story

Read More

Daily Mail Sex Tips

Don't you just love the Daily Mail? It'll complain about dirty old men perving after young women, moan about young pop stars sexualising our youth and complain about the objectification of women in the media. And on its website it's none-stop bikini shots of celebs.

So, anyway, I was looking at its website. They had an article about the 6 things a man wants a woman to do the first time they have sex. As a man I thought I'd like to find out what I want, so I read the 6 items.

1: Give great oral sex

OK. No complaints so far. Well, you could save ink by not printing the word "great" but whatever.

2: Be active

Again, good advice. I had an ex who would just lie back and think of England. I think it was the football team. Very off-putting.

3: Not stress about your body

Wow, 3 for 3. This is the best piece of advice. There's nothing worse than trying to have sex with someone who's giving a running commentary on how bad their body is. It's like eating a meal while the chef stands there saying, "I think I burned the starter. Those prawns were off. Actually, can we turn the lights off while you eat?"

4: Don't stress about his performance

Nah, stress if you want. Just don't expect a good performance. And if you did, don't give feedback. We all know these days than a man can never compete with the space-age sex toys they make for women. We should stop trying. The difference between a sex toy and a man is like the difference between factory-made bread and home-made bread. The home-made won't be as perfect but it will keep you in the kitchen longer.

5: Let him know you're enjoying it

Yes. A Facebook like can go a long way.

6: Save the post-sex emotional fallout for your friends

I have no idea what that means. But if there are some emotions after a sexual encounter you don't have to bottle them up. We men are not so cold that we want to have sex with you and leave you to deal with your feelings while we go off looking for our next sexual conquest. We're not just sex obsessed beasts. You don't have to take your emotions to your friends. In fact, invite your friends to take part in the sex. Bonus.

>Read the source story

Read More

UK Spies On Our Google & Facebook

The Guardian tells us more about its snooping scandal. It's a tricky one. Some people have the attitude of, "Well, if you don't have anything to hide then you shouldn't really mind." Hmm, I'm not hiding anything in my pants but I don't really want everyone having a look in there.

The Guardian tells us that the "UK used Google and Facebook to spy on us". But then, even I use Google and Facebook to spy on people. If I ever want to make sure my ex hasn't got too much happiness in life I turn to my web browser. You can't mind if the Government finds out what you've been up to by looking at your Facebook page, Facebook is where you tell people what you're up to. You can't moan about invasion of privacy when you Instagram every flipping meal you cook.

In fact, the little worry is that these intelligence agencies are just Googling us. You expect better. It's like getting a taxi and seeing they use a sat nav.

The big worry here is that the Government thinks terrorists plan their terrorism via Facebook. Do these baddies organise it using Facebook events. "Al Qaeda invented you to Blowing Yourself Up In A City – Join, Maybe, Decline?"

Do they hold a tweet-up? "Suicide bombing today? Who's up for it? #YOLO". And if terrorism were planned using Google Hangouts we'd all be safe.

And it's only metadata, details of who you contacted, not what you sent them. If they could get access to the pictures of what I show people on Skype I don't think I'd like that. As I said, I don't want everyone having a look at what's in my pants.

Read More

Why You're Wrong About Thatcher

Good news. I agree with you about the late Margaret Thatcher. I don't even need to know what you think before I can say I agree with you. And this is not just some swift placation to get you to stop talking, although that technique has proven invaluable this week.

I know I agree with you because, whatever you think, you think the people who disagree with you are wrong. And I agree. Confused? Let me take a few steps back.

I was unsure about dealing with this topic on what can be a rather light-hearted website. But this isn't my first opinion piece, I dealt with gun control, and my input clearly solved that problem.

It's important to notice that this isn't going to be jokes about a funeral. That would be of poor taste, and to paraphrase John Donne, "Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind." I think that means I tend to play gigs to alive people, and I'm just thinking about the market.

But it's important to remember that, just because you don't want to celebrate someone's death, it doesn't mean you think the life was good.

Since we heard of her passing the news has described her as divisive. No, she was polarising. The people who hate her think she was total evil, the people who like her think she's the best thing to ever happen to Great Britain. Both must be wrong. No one is pure evil, whether ultimately proved right or not, she thought what she was doing was good for the country, and indeed for some parts of it, it was. And she's not the best thing to happen. She didn't create the NHS or create an empire, if that's your thing, so people who think that are wrong too.

She, like everyone, existed somewhere on the spectrum between their worst and best versions. But no one seems to see that. No one listens with open minds to the opposite view point. I come from an area that used to have a thriving coal mining community and saw first-hand the consequences of her actions. But I realise the coal industry may not have been viable. However, when Germany reduced the size of its coal industry it did it without ruining large sections of the nation and causing local unemployment to be a problem that lasted for decades.

On the day of her death I was broadcast in Essex, and area that loves her. One caller decided to speak to me and said, "The thing is, in the 70s the country was in a right state. Something had to be done!"

Yes. But don't miss your own logical flaw. Just because something had to be done doesn't mean that what was done was the right thing. Or you could also have the sentence, "The thing is, in the 30s Germany was in a right state. Something had to be done!" Something was done, but I think we have to agree it wasn't the right thing.

On privatisation, do I think that letting private businesses into the telecoms market, freeing up the restrictions of the use of certain technologies, that ultimately led us to the modern word of mobile phones, was a good thing? Yes. Do I think privatising the utilities so that a company may make profit out of an old person struggling to afford enough heat to stay alive was good? Sweet mercy no! It's not either or, it's not zeroes and ones, it's shades of grey. (Well, that book ruined that phrase for me.)

Do I think that market forces can run some industries? Yes. Do I think letting the market run free is perfectly fine? I'm living in the aftermath of the credit crunch, we are so over 'greed is good'.

If the pro-Thatcher camp weren't so blindly pro and the anti-Thatcher camp weren't so blindly anti we might actually be able to have a discussion about real issues that face us?

The funeral itself has heightening that problem. Is it right to celebrate someone's death with an effigy of them? I don't think so. Is it right to spend tax payers money on something when you know half the country doesn't think she was great? No. It'll only serve to deepen the division.

Even if you think she was the best Prime Minister Great Britain ever had, that was her job. She did her job. Most people don't get a celebratory send off for doing their job. In fact most Prime Ministers don't get a celebratory send off just for doing their job. Churchill was an understandable exception. His role in the Second World War and getting this country through it could be seen as exceptional. But there's a very big difference between the worthiness of the funeral of Churchill and Thatcher, there wasn't half the country that hated what Churchill did. There were large communities in the North saying, "Actually, the Germans were OK."

So there we have it. Strip out the emotion, talk about the logic, and we could finally get somewhere. But not only do I think that won't happen, I expect I'll get comments saying I shouldn't defend her while at the same time I'll get comments saying I shouldn't express a negative opinion. Rest safe in the knowledge that all comments that come from a blinded view of the left or the right will be deleted. This is my website, not a free market.

Look at it this way, whoever disagrees with you, I disagree with them too.

>Read the source story

Read More

Horse-Free Burger, May Contain Cat

First it was horse in Tesco burgers. Then it was donkey in salami. Then I had a small worry about what was in spotted dick, but a terrifying Google search later I got over that one.

And now, we hear there could be cats and dogs in our curries. It never rains but it pours. So, it's raining cats and dogs? I'm confusing myself.

DNA tests were performed on some curries (dullest episode of Jeremy Kyle... ever!) which ruled out lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and even human flesh. So the newspapers reported that it leaves "the grim possibility it could be dog or cat".

I just want to check, it wasn't a vegetable curry, right? Because I could see how this whole thing could get out of hand.

So, if they tested a curry for the DNA of lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and human, why did they just leave it and have a guess at cat or dog? Were they in a rush? They'd probably tried eating the curry and it's not long before you have to rush off if you do that.

The Indian curry was bought at random from an unnamed takeaway in London. Now, I've been out for Indian food in London and I always assumed I was eating some sort of pet. The clues are there. On some menus it's listed as "Meat Curry". It doesn't say the type of meat, it just mean no fish. Maybe.

The point is, you go to places like that when you are so drunk you'd probably eat the actual dog if you caught it. No harm, no foul. Or fowl. Maybe.

Of course it's cat. In fact I rely on it being cat in the curry. When I say I'm going to go out, get drunk and end up eating pussy, it's the only way I'm not proved to be a liar.

OK, it means that sometimes I go out, get drunk, and end up eating some dog, but you take what you can get.

(I'm so classy when I read the Daily Mirror)

>Read the source story

Read More

The Late Justin Bieber

Good news. Last night Justin Bieber went on stage at the right time. Oh good. That means thousands of young girls have the energy to profess undying love for him online all day. That, in no way, fills Twitter with utter crap.

I'm not a "Belieber", but credit where it's due, his time keeping was better than the night before. At the first gig he turned up two hours late. Two hours!? That's unbeliebable!

Well, some say it was two hours but on Twitter Justin said he was only 40 minutes late. I don't have a joke about that, I just want to be fair in case Twitter reads that I have said something about Justin Bieber and they set out to get me. If Justin's Twitter army attacks not even Lady Gaga's monsters would be enough to mount a successful defence.

According to the front of the Daily Star, Beiber says he held up the show because he was "trying to act cool". If turning up two hours late is cool, the man who was meant to repair my boiler is a style guru.

Monday's gig at the O2 didn't start till after 10pm, on a school night, and for once I'm not using that as a euphemism. The atmosphere at the gig was terrible. His fans started to boo him before he got on stage. That's bad. Even I get to tell a few jokes before I get booed.

JB's just a typical teenager enjoying a night out. He turns up late with plenty of boos.

But, to all of the young girls who were so distraught because Justin was late, at least now you know a little of how your future high school boyfriend will feel when you tell him you're late.

>Read the source story

Read More

Dirty Manford Part 2

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read More

Negative Interest Rates

We've had a time of record low interest rates, 0.5%. Many experts have said, "Interest rates can't go much lower." And I always thought, "Well, they can go 0.5% lower, genius!" But it turns out I was wrong. The Bank of England has been thinking about negative interest rates. Or "disinterest rates" as I'm trying to trade mark.

The Deputy Governor Paul Tucker said the idea of charging high street banks to store money centrally, rather than paying them interest, should be explored as a way of easing the flow of credit to the stagnant economy.

This is great. This is the first step towards a world where having money costs you, and not having money doesn't. And that's great for me, because I don't have any. Although if I did get some money I wouldn't have enough money to be able to afford the cost of having money. Oh, this economics lark is harder than it looks.

Tucker said: "I hope we will think about whether there are constraints to setting negative interest rates." Constraints such as law, policies and if they have the "-" character on the signs.

The plan is, if they have a negative interest rate then it would cost banks money to store funds. It would then encourage banks to lend money more, to avoid the costs. And why not? Lending lots and lots of money hasn't caused a global crisis for at least 4 years.

The worry is that such a move would lower the rates the banks pay savers, rates which are often already near zero. And the banks could even start to charge customers.

When I was growing up, if you had money in the bank the bank paid you. And now we've reversed roles. Which is great. Because now, all I need to do it write a letter to my bank and I can charge them £12 for my admin costs.

>Read the source story

Read More

No Saving Us

The i paper tells us, "One in six Britons has no savings".

That doesn't apply to me. I have savings. OK, it's just 200 points on my Tesco Clubcard and 5 stamps from Nero, but still, it's something.

The Government want more of us to be saving for the future, but why would we take financial advice from the people who just balls up a AAA credit rating? Our credit rating is now so bad the only place the UK can borrow from is Wonga.com.

The newspaper also says, "8 million adults have nothing put by". I believe the full phrase is "put by for a rainy day" but if rainy days actually cost us money we'd be even more screwed than we are.

One in three adults is not saving currently. How are we meant to save, we've had years of prices going up and wages not. That's like making us live on the Slimfast diet and then moaning that we are not bulking up.

One third of those that have saved have accrued less than £1,000. Well, we have less than a grand in the bank. There's a difference. Maybe people have been saving up a little money but not wanting to put it in the bank. Many people don't like the banks because of what they did. They'll keep their money under the mattress, until Benson's For Beds cause a global meltdown.

So basically, the newspaper is saying we don't have a lot of money and we aren't in a position to save any money. But at least I write this site using a newspaper that only costs 20p. That's a step in the right direction.

Read More

Chris Huhne Remember's Guilty

I turned on the TV earlier to see Chris Huhne addressing the press after he pleaded guilty to perverting course of justice over his speeding fine. And as each photographer's bulb flashed on him, I saw the irony.

The former energy secretary admitted he persuaded his ex-wife to take speeding points for him in 2003. That's perfect. If ever there's a job for a man who's good at talking others into taking point they don't have to, it's the job where you're in charge of our Kyoto responsibilities.

He had claimed he was not guilty right up to the point that the trial started when he suddenly remembered that he was guilty. A lying politician. No one is surprised. A man who persuaded his wife to do something. People are shocked.

As he left the court, Huhne said: "I pleaded guilty today. I am unable to say more while there is an outstanding trial. But having taken responsibility for something which happened 10 years ago the only proper course of action is now for me to resign my Eastleigh seat in parliament."

Well, the proper thing to do could've been not lie, not get your wife to take your points for you, or, god forbid, don't break the speed limit in the first place.

The charges relate to allegations that in 2003 he persuaded his then wife, Vicky Pryce, 60, an economist, to take speeding points so that he could avoid prosecution.


Since then, they separated and she went on to play the role of Steve in the TV show American Dad.


Pryce has pleaded not guilty to the charge on the grounds of marital coercion.

She took the points for him in 2003, but it wasn't till he left her for Carina Trimingham, a woman 14 years younger than her, in 2011, that she told the police what he's done.

Granting Huhne unconditional bail, judge Mr Justice Sweeney said: "I will deal with your sentence on a date to be notified. It is essential that you attend, on that date. You should have no illusion whatsoever as to the sort of sentence that you are likely to receive."

That means he's going to jail.

Or rather, someone who looks like Carina Trimingham in a suit will turn up to do the time.

>Read the source story

Read More