Horse-Free Burger, May Contain Cat

First it was horse in Tesco burgers. Then it was donkey in salami. Then I had a small worry about what was in spotted dick, but a terrifying Google search later I got over that one.

And now, we hear there could be cats and dogs in our curries. It never rains but it pours. So, it's raining cats and dogs? I'm confusing myself.

DNA tests were performed on some curries (dullest episode of Jeremy Kyle... ever!) which ruled out lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and even human flesh. So the newspapers reported that it leaves "the grim possibility it could be dog or cat".

I just want to check, it wasn't a vegetable curry, right? Because I could see how this whole thing could get out of hand.

So, if they tested a curry for the DNA of lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and human, why did they just leave it and have a guess at cat or dog? Were they in a rush? They'd probably tried eating the curry and it's not long before you have to rush off if you do that.

The Indian curry was bought at random from an unnamed takeaway in London. Now, I've been out for Indian food in London and I always assumed I was eating some sort of pet. The clues are there. On some menus it's listed as "Meat Curry". It doesn't say the type of meat, it just mean no fish. Maybe.

The point is, you go to places like that when you are so drunk you'd probably eat the actual dog if you caught it. No harm, no foul. Or fowl. Maybe.

Of course it's cat. In fact I rely on it being cat in the curry. When I say I'm going to go out, get drunk and end up eating pussy, it's the only way I'm not proved to be a liar.

OK, it means that sometimes I go out, get drunk, and end up eating some dog, but you take what you can get.

(I'm so classy when I read the Daily Mirror)

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