28/12/2018

Lasted Another Year - Paperback

You can now get the latest book from Steve N Allen in paperback, good news to anyone who really likes using paper.

The compilation of recent writings that were put together in the eBook "Lasted Another Year" is now available actually printed onto actual paper.

While you can get the eBook for 99p the paperback is going for £2.99 but you can get free delivery, which is worth something when they actually have to send you a copy, unlike the internet version where you get some 0s and 1s.

Following the success of the eBook, which saw it get to number 28 in a small chart that measures a subset of the books online, something like "political > humour > books by blokes called Steve", but top 30 is top 30, whichever way you look at it.

So, if you fancy having some Steve on your book shelf you can get it now, Lasted Another Year, to keep till it becomes a collectors item, probably after Steve does a crime and becomes infamous. A wise investment in the current economic climate.

Head to Amazon where the book is ready to order.

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27/12/2018

Football Team Sends Fans To North Korea

As we head into January you'll notice adverts for holidays starting to crop up because if there's one thing that will make you feel like packing a case and flying away somewhere it's spending extra time with your family over Christmas.

People are starting to think about the destination, where would you want to go on holiday. I have picked Gatwick. Not as the place to fly from, I have booked two weeks in the Holiday Inn by the South Terminal. That way when a drone or some problem with the copy of Windows 95 they have running the place grounds all flights I won't be disappointed in the slightest.

The adverts are getting more adventurous though, with a sponsorship deal withed with English football club Blyth Spartans that says, "Visit North Korea"!

That's their tourism slogan, and not, apparently, at insult to someone you never want to see again.

The team, based just north of Newcastle upon Tyne, Northumberland, have a deal to promote North Korea as a place to holiday.

Dull, barren, and notoriously primitive and unwelcoming to strangers... Northumberland is in the North of England, and up there you can now see adverts for North Korea.

I know, it seems wrong to do a joke about people in the North living in poverty, but even the football team is "spartan", they don't have a lot up there. So it's odd to think that they'd be the market you try to attract. I'm from the North and some people I grew up with think I'm in a mixed relationship because my other half says "Bath".

I suppose, when the flight lands and the tourists see the levels of depravity that are rumoured to be present in North Korea it'll be nice to hear them say, "Aw way man, y'nar, it's just like being at home, pet."

I've looked online and it's not that easy to get a flight there. One was was around £700 and to book a return flight you need... well, optimism.



In related news, this might be the better way to fly...




Further Reading...

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Podcast ep65: Trains, Apprentice and Trump

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E65, we talk about The Apprentice (the final), we hear about the best train station in the UK and we get a Trump update to wrap up the year.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

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P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





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16/12/2018

Podcast ep64: More Brexit, Breathing, Bank Apps and Space Spud

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E64, we talk about The Apprentice (we're getting near the final), we find out about growing food in space, there's a man who says he lives off breathing alone, which means he won't care about that space food, and a bank app does something good for once.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

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P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





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09/12/2018

Lasted Another Year - eBook

Congratulations, you have made it through another year. Yes, we do that every year but take a second to rejoice.

And what better way to do that than to but the new eBook from comedian Steve N Allen?

Taken from the year's worth of comments in the newspaper columns you can find across the UK, Steve looks at a selection of the year's happenings. From Brexit to the demise of the DVD, take a look back through the year in this comic take on things.

"Lasted Another Year" is available on Amazon Kindle and you can get it now while it's only 99p.

Every week Steve N Allen writes for various newspaper taking a look at the week's news. For the first time that work has been brought together into an eBook. Go to the Amazon site where you can download a sample for free or order your copy right now.



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08/12/2018

Podcast ep63: Fake vicar, The Apprentice and Sleep Texting

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E63, we talk about The Apprentice by accident, we find out about the blight of sleep texting. If you have worried about your age we have an answer for you and should you call someone "love"?

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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30/10/2018

Podcast ep57: PC Fairy Tales, The end of the DVD and Benny the Beluga

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E57, Benny the beluga whale has ruined fireworks night, politically correct fairy tales are here and it's bye bye DVD.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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24/03/2018

Royal Wedding Invite [Podcast]

In this show Steve gets an invite to the royal wedding. Or does he?

No, he doesn't.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 23rd of March 2018.)




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Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.



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[Newspaper Column] Happy

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

Do you want to know the secret of happiness?

Don't ask me. I am well on my way to growing into the grumpy old man I always knew I'd be. To be fair, it's what I said I wanted to be when I grew up.

If you're still trying to head towards happiness there's a new trend in how to achieve it. Of course there is, there's a new trend in everything these days. See, I'm getting there.

Last year there was the Danish trend of hygge, which was all about wearing chunky socks. Then we had JOMO, the joy of missing out. The idea was staying at home and doing nothing was the key to being happy. A good plan unless you live with a grumpy old man like me.

Now it's the Finnish trend of Sisu, and Finland was recently named the happiest nation on the planet so there could be something in this.

What is Sisu? It involves things like going for a swim in freezing cold lakes.

When I heard that I thought, "I'm OK being grumpy, thanks."

Victor Meldrew wasn't chipper but didn't look like any of his bits were dropping off.

The theory is that such activities builds everyday courage and resilience, making it easier to cope with life.

No matter what problem befalls your day you can say, "Oh well, at least it wasn't as bad as that swim I had this morning."

But the same could be said of any bad thing. Why not start the day by trapping your hand in the car door, eat raw chillies or watch Piers Morgan? Everything seems better in comparison.

There's a chance it's nonsense. If being cold made you happier the weather so far this year would have made us all over the moon.

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21/02/2018

Podcast ep21: The Illuminati, Winter Olympics and Tree Poison

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E21, a high up politician says the Illuminati is real, so he doesn't have long left, the war on plastic continues and the mysterious case of poison in a tree.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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[Newspaper Column] Plastics

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

First it was the war on drugs and some would say it wasn't won. Then the war on terror and it feels like that isn't a win yet.

Now we have the war on plastic. It seems like we're lowering our aim somewhat.

The BBC has said it plans to go plastic-free by 2020. That's less than two years away, which I can tell from my laminated desk calendar. Oh dear, there's a lot to do.

After their Blue Planet II programme made us realise the seas and oceans are getting filled with our rubbish people have thought we should do more.

They're not the first to act, a few years ago Starbucks started asking for your name and writing it on your cup. If that ends up in the sea everyone watching Blue Planet XI will see your name floating by and you'll be publicly shamed.

The Queen recently banned plastic straws from all royal estates. That's a commendable move but how many plastic straws do the elite get through? It's a little like me giving up smoking for Lent. Morally a good thing but seeing as I don't smoke I don't deserve a lot of praise.

Switching from plastic to tax-funded, gilt-edged silver straws isn't something the rest of us can do.

The BBC will start by phasing out single-use cups, those thing plastic vessels you have by the water cooler. So expect a lot more dry-mouth happening to their news readers, which should make it more fun to watch.

It's hard to eradicate all plastic because these polymerised items are so useful. Thanks to our new £5 and £10 notes even our money is made of plastic.

And they pay women 9% less of that. So that'll help. You're welcome planet.

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11/02/2018

Podcast ep20: SpaceX in Space, Trump's NHS and Zombie Laws

Get your pod on.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E20, it was the week that Donald Trump had a go at our NHS, Elon Musk got rid of a car in a very original way, we got the repair bill for the Houses of Parliament and are the Spice Girls getting back together? @LarryEnts answers that one for us.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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Mash Report: Lucky People

You can catch Steve on BBC 2's The Mash Report on Thursday nights from 10pm. Old episodes are on the iPlayer now but meanwhile here's a clip from this week's.

In this clip, we investigate the downside to being rich and successful.

See the full show BBC 2 10pm Thursdays (repeated Sundays 10pm)



Watch the full Mash Report episodes here





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The Bitcoin Losers Hotline

Have you lost money on bitcoin? There's a phone number you can call, if you can afford it.
I have an announcement to make. I nearly got into bitcoin before it went up in value. You know, like everyone you meet did.

I know that everyone claims it, but for a while back in 2010 I set up some computers mining for bitcoin, got bored, stopped it and thought, “Well, if I spend all this money running my Linux machines crunching numbers I'll have spent more than the couple of quid I'll probably get out of it.”

If I would have found a bitcoin it could have been worth £25,000, which would have paid my electricity bill. Maybe. If I wasn't on a Big Six standard tariff.

But I stopped it, besides, I am from the East Midlands so I find that definition of “mining” to be offensive to my people.

While I have have missed out on money I may have dodged a problem. People are getting so into bitcoin that a bitcoin addiction hotline has been set up in Moscow.

In recent weeks the value of bitcoin has halved and there's a worry that this could push some investors over the edge. The helpline is there for them to talk about their feelings, like the one that was set up to help us through the break up of Take That.

I imagine the calls go like this.

CALLER: Oh no, the value of bitcoin has crashed and I've lost lots of money.
HELPER: OK, but didn't the value of bitcoin shoot up at the end of last year earning you that money?
CALLER: (pauses) Shut up, I want sympathy!


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[Newspaper Column] Royal Wedding

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

When we heard that Prince Harry's wedding didn't earn us a bank holiday I was upset. When they told us it was going to be on a Saturday and the FA Cup final day I was shocked. Now I have to wait for Prince George to tie the knot before I get to finish the spare room.

Now there are plans to extend pub opening hours on the day of the wedding.

Why are they doing this? Not, as I first thought, so they could simply hold the reception in a pub and save us taxpayers some money.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd said: "We want everyone to be able to make the most of such an historic occasion." If you want to make it a day to remember letting people drink so much they can't might not be the best way to go about it.

Last week there was Windsor council leader Simon Dudley asked Thames Valley Police to clear away the homeless people from the town as that's where the wedding will be. There was a backlash to this attitude on social media.

Now we hear the pubs will be open later. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon doesn't hand out a few tenners saying, "Why don't you get yourself a drink?" on the day of the event.

People always start drinking earlier on a cup final day and now you're letting them drink later?

You could try a system where only royal fans get the later hours but football fans would find a way to sneak in, pretending to be a royalist. You'll see men in scarves saying, "Nah, I think it's great Prince Harry is marrying Angela Merkel."

May 19th 2018 will certainly be remembered. Possibly not for the royal wedding but more as the day of the riots.

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03/02/2018

Podcast ep19: Walk-On Girls, Supermoons and The Memo

Get your pod on.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E19, we hear about Donald Trump's memo, the end of the glamorous walk-on girls, one of the rarest moons we could see and lots of other stuff.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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[Newspaper Column] Threxit - Thurrock Indeendence

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

Last week I spoke of the fact that when you think of UKIP now you think of Henry Bolton's love life, which made Dry January even harder.

As soon as that column came out we heard that all 17 councillors in Thurrock left the party. Who would have thought the printed word could have such impact?

They have formed what has been called the Thurrock Independents. Years after the United Kingdom Independence Party was formed a Brexit vote was passed so we can only assume that at some point in the future Thurrock will go independent.

It was in a column on the 20th of October last year that I analysed if Canvey Island would make it as its own country, now I have to do it again. Soon Romford will be surrounded by different nation states, like in the Anglo-Saxon days of England when there was a king of Mercia. If all these areas become independent and get a monarch that's job creation.

Thurrock isn't an island but that's fine, countries on the continent do well having land borders and if anything it's set up better for life as its own land than Canvey.

Like the UK itself, Thurrock has a tunnel and also a bridge that charges people to enter. It has a port on the Thames so could have its own navy.

It has Lakeside, which gives it a stable economy. We'll have to sort out a trade deal with Thurrock before we worry about one with the EU or we don't be able to get tea lights from that Ikea.

Yes, there may have to be a hard border and checkpoint in North Ockendon, causing more tension with South Ockendon, but it will mean my afternoon radio show is international, so I am all for it.

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Mash Report: BBC Gender Pay Gap

You can catch Steve on BBC 2's The Mash Report on Thursday nights from 10pm. Old episodes are on the iPlayer now but meanwhile here's a clip from this week's.

In this clip, it looks like the BBC has found a way to solve the gender pay gap.

See the full show BBC 2 10pm Thursdays



Watch the full Mash Report episodes here
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27/01/2018

Podcast ep18: Fake News, The Presidents Club and nice Camels

Get your pod on.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E18, we hear about Donald Trump's fake news and how Theresa May is going to combat it, we hear about the pointless Pie Day and an even more pointless royal wedding.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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[Newspaper Column] Henry Bolton the Wanderer

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

Some say UKIP have lost profile since the Farage days.

After the election people stopped talking about UKIP as much but now they're back in the papers everyday because of Henry Bolton.

I was always of the opinion that a person's personal life was personal. Why should we judge someone by who they're going out with? I certainly have some exes I'd rather you didn't judge me by.

Does it speak to a politician's values? In France the right wing Sarkozy married the left leaning Carla Bruni and in UKIP while Nigel Farage was going round the UK telling us we don't need Europe he was marriage to a lady from Germany. I've often wondered if Brexit was an elaborate plot to avoid the in-laws.

Henry left his wife and a few months later started dating a model. Offensive texts came out that she'd sent about Meghan Markle and he left her but now says they may get back together in the future.

It's like Love Island. Although it would be an island with control of its borders.

Or maybe it's like a Ross and Rachel in Friends. Mr Bolton said in an interview, “The romantic side of the relationship is on hold.” If they are on a break the woman in the photocopy shop should watch out.

How do you put the romantic side on hold? Does he turn up to her bedroom window and plays Greensleeves?

Either way, on purpose or not, this has been marketing gold.

At a time when people buy gossip magazines and watch TV shows that are entirely based on couples maybe getting together and maybe not, this story has caught our eye.

OK, the news isn't talking about any actual policies of the party. So it really is just like the Farage days.

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25/01/2018

Mash Report: UKIP

You can catch Steve on BBC 2's The Mash Report on Thursday nights from 10pm. Old episodes are on the iPlayer now but meanwhile here's a clip from tonight's.

In this clip, if you have been worried about the issues with the leadership of UKIP there's good news.

See the full show BBC 2 10pm tonight (Thursday)


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22/01/2018

Podcast ep17: Trump Health and Henry Bolton

Poddytime!

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E17 as the bit torrent people would have it, we hear about how fit Donald Trump is and how a certain woman thinks UKIP's Henry Bolton is fit in a different way.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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15/01/2018

[Newspaper Column] Dartford Rip-Off

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

When I heard that the toll at the Severn bridges are to be scrapped at the end of the year I got excited t that the same might happen at Dartford. Sadly we heard there are no plans to scrap the Dartford toll.

When the charge was brought in they said it would be scrapped when then new bridge was paid for but the reneged on that.

We're so used to it when it's about a large bridge but think of it like this. You hired a builder to build you an extension. You set up a direct debit to pay for it. When you have paid for the work the builder says, "Actually, we're going to keep charging you?"

When asked to explain why tolls on the Dartford Crossing remain a Government spokesperson said that the charges at Dartford have not increased in more than three years.

"Dear builder, why are you still taking money out of my account for the extension even though it's paid off?"

"Erm, well, we haven't started taking more out, so shut it."

You would get upset and the builder would say, "Don't worry, we'll be using your money to help build a Lower Thames extension a few doors down."

Remember when the Pope said to Donald Trump we shouldn't be building walls we should be building bridge? Don't fall for it. You'll be paying that off forever.

This is a reminder that we're just cash cows. Why do we put up with it? We wouldn't in the case of a builder. We'd take them to court or call in Dominic Littlewood.

I would write letters to my member of parliament about it but I don't have the time. I spend most of my day queuing for a certain bridge.

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13/01/2018

Podcast ep16: Plastics and Gender Pay Gap

Poddytime!

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, episode 16, I get paid more because I am a man, I spend that money on cauliflower steaks because I'm not smart, and we find out that Trump is the smarterest of all the smarts.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |



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07/01/2018

[Newspaper Column] Train Prices

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.


You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

New year, new me. This year I am going to be less of the grumpy man I had become. I plane to find the positive in things, see the glass as half full. Or totally empty as it's dry January.

It can be hard to find the positive spin on things but I think it is worth the effort.

The New Year also means new prices for train tickets, with an average increase of 3.4 percent. It isn't easy to feel positive about paying more for something that is exactly the same as last year.

An increase of 3.4 percent in the ticket price would be easier to stomach if the trains were 3.4 percent less late or 3.4 percent longer. If the armpit of the person you find yourself wedges into was 3.4 percent fresher it would be OK.

I think we're in the best place to feel positive about this though. While other areas see little improvement we got to use the new Elizabeth Line trains. They seem clean, they look great, they have displays that give us extra information and also mean at least 3.4 percent fewer people will ask you, "Is this train for Stratford?" while struggling to lift their suitcase.

There are no connecting carriage doors so your extra 3.4 percent cost means you can enjoy the smell of the food being eaten on the entire train.

Or course the following years we won't have new trains to keep ourselves distracted and I am sure the fares will continue to go up above inflation in 2019 and 2020.

So the grumpiness I normally have hasn't gone it is simply delayed, and these days you'd pay 3.4 percent more for something like that.

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