29/03/2021

[VIDEO] A Look At The Vaccines

There has been a lot in the news lately about problems with vaccines. Not just the usual tinfoil hat types who think vaccines are evil and anyone who doesn't follow what they see on the Internet is a sheep - oh the irony - but supply lines, health worries and almost a smear campaign from the EU.

In this video we take a look at some of the issues.
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Boris Johnson Has Affair, Shocker?

The world was rocked recently by the news that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had an affair. In the same way that you feel rocked when a BMW driver doesn’t indicate or a toddler falls down, we are talking about that level of surprise.

A while back a scandal broke about BJ’s closeness to business-person Jennifer Arcuri, although most of the newspapers focussed on the fact that she owned a pole-dancing pole, which is why I’m changing my official bio from writer to “Pelaton owner”.

There were innuendoes about the likelihood of those two getting jiggy-with-it and a more serious question about the processes that were used to get Jennifer Arcuri access to business grants.

At the time I remember Jennifer saying she gave Boris some tech lessons, which now we are hearing might have been learning where the batteries go.

Now that the story had simmered down and we had bigger pandemic fish to fry, Ms Arcuri spoke to a newspaper confirming the dirty deed, or rather four years worth of deeds from 2012. At the time we were all feeling a little more athletic because the Olympics were coming to town. I’m sure that added to it.

In the interview we learn that Jennifer sent him “arty topless pictures” (are there any other kind, from the point of view of the sender) and said they had a mutual “physical and intellectual attraction” (I can spot the division of labour there).

We hear about the time they were intimate before he headed off to the opening of the 2012 London Paralympics and how, before he left, she had to hunt for a sock he lost in the throes of passion. Ah yes, that moment where you turn a lady on by whipping your sock off and lobbing it across the room.

All of these “erotic” details are all very well but it’s worth remembering that the affair isn’t the story. It may be immoral but it’s not illegal to have a fling with another grown adult but the dodgy part here is whether the taxpayer-funded trade missions and grants were made available to Jennifer Arcuri because Boris Johnson was doing to the Nolan Principles of Public Life what he was doing to her after he’d launched his socks.

But there’s no pole dancing in that bit of the story, so nevermind.

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04/01/2021

It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas

It’s finally become clear. This wasn’t about 5G or Bill Gates secretly creating coronavirus so he could get us Googling for things on Bing. This was always about the pandas.

The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.

Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.

With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.

Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.

They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.

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