iPhone Tells Boy To Shut Up

Do you ever worry that technology will replace humans?

There's a story in the news of a 12-year-old but who was told to 'shut up' by iPhone's new Siri software. That's excellent. I don't have to be grumpy when surrounded by kids any more, there's an app for that.

Charlie Le Quesne was trying out the iPhone 4S at a Tesco store in Coventry. He asked it, "How many people are there in the world?" And Siri said, "Shut the f*** up, you ugly t***."

To be fair, the iPhone 4S has a good camera, so it was probably right.

And it was a stupid question. Even with the new operating system in the iPhone there's no way it could know exactly how many people are in the world. So it did what we all do when we think we'll look stupid, it lashed out.

This is a brave new world of technology we're heading into. In the old days when something went wrong with a computer you got the blue screen of death. Now when something goes wrong it swears at you. If it cost slightly more each month it would be just like a real girlfriend.

His mother Kim said: "I couldn't see the funny side."

Forget funny, it's useful. If you buy your child a phone that tells him to "shut the f*** up" you know he won't run up a large bill.

Staff told her that someone had tampered with the phone's set-up instructions. The Siri system addresses the phone's user by name – using information entered in its contact system. But someone had entered the obscene seven-word phrase as the user's name, so the phone blurted it out when it answered a question.

So you can teach an iPhone to swear at people? It's not replacing humans, it's replacing pet parrots.

>Read the source story


Samoa Time Travels

The country Samoa has jumped forward in time 24 hours. It's like the TV show Lost was a documentary. If a polar bear suddenly turns up it's time to start to panic.

Samoa has changed its time zone to bring itself into the same day as Australia and New Zealand.

The same technique could be used to bring the Isle of Wight into the same year as the rest of the UK.

It's been done to help Samoa trade with its nearby nations. When Samoa was in Monday Australia was already in Tuesday, so if Samoa tried to make and sell fresh sandwiches to Australia they'd already be past their display date before they were even made. Or something like that.

The only downside to this is that the Samoan people have lost a day. They went to bed on Thursday and woke up on Saturday. To be fair, I've done that before, but that's because the Jägerbomb is an evil invention.

If I were them I would complain. The day they lost was between Christmas and New Year. That's one of the days when no one really works. And if you took a week off you only got 4 days to relax in. And why take a Friday? Everyone loves a Friday. Take a Monday. As long as it's not a Monday with a season finale of CSI because that would be annoying.

The shift moves Somao from the far east to the west. Instead of being a country that uses herbal medicine it's a country that uses herbal medicine and pays over the odds for it.

>Read the source story

Podcast 28 - Review of 2011

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 28. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

It's our look back at 2011, so in this podcast...

We all nearly died in January from flu.
In February Christina Aguilera forgot some words.
In March we were all worried about the Arab Spring.
April was all about the Royal Wedding.
May was a good month unless you were Bin Laden.
June gave us Sir Bruce of Forsyth.
July was the end of the News of the World.
In August the UK had riots.
Rihanna got her jubblies out in September.
October was a good month unless you were Gaddafi.
November had some X Factor scandal.
December gave us some Leveson entertainment.

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The Pigs Finally Solve Crime

Necessity is the mother of all invention. So solving this clearly wasn't that necessary. A council has been using pig manure to deters teenagers from drinking in the woods.

It's a common issue. Little yobby teens meeting up in the woods is a problem. It can make people not want to go into those woods. Teddy bears are having to find other places for picnics.

So the council developed a plan to cover the woods with smelly animal poo. That way the teens won't want to hang out in the woods getting up to no good. Of course, the woods then smell of shit. It still makes people not want to go into the woods. The Teddy bears will bring up anything they actually eat.

Middlesbrough Council came up with the cheap but effective method of combating anti-social behaviour in woods at Coulby Newham.

Seeing as it works maybe it's something we should look into using elsewhere. There's a lot of crime on night buses in London. Maybe if we covered the top deck in dung we'd be safe.

There's more evidence to back me up here. Cows poo in fields and most theft, burglary and even traffic offences don't happen in fields. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Nottingham has a problem with gun crime that has got worse in the last few years. These days you don't see as much dog poo on the pavements. Maybe the two are related.

You can't fight the science. I have proved that poo is the solution to crime. So forget about carrying a panic alarm, just have a lot of bran.

>Read the source story

BBC's Panda Of The Year

The BBC has caused some upset, and this time Jeremy Clarkson wasn't involved. They released their list of the Women Of The Year, and it included a panda.

Come on women, you really need to pull your finger out. You didn't manage to place in the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year and now you're beaten by a panda. Tut. And don't go claiming it isn't fair. She's a panda, so there's no way she slept herself to the top.

Twitter went crazy as #pandagate trended. People were upset that an animal was considered to be one of the best women of the year, but I think it's good that a panda managed to finally break through that glass ceiling.

Do you know how many CEOs of FTSE 100 companies are pandas? No, neither do I but I am assuming it's low.

The reason the Chinese panda called Tian Tian made it onto the BBC's list is because she is one of the animals on loan from Beijing to the Edinburgh Zoo. Although she's probably actually in a German zoo, you know what the BBC is like. It's hoped that she will produce cubs during her decade on British soil.

Some people said it was sexist to put a panda on a list where a woman should be. Surely it's sexist to not put the male panda on the Men of the Year list too. Are you saying her input in making cubs is more important than his? No wonder the male pandas never feel in the mood to mate. What's the point when no one appreciates your efforts?

>Read the source story

Five Months In A Toilet

A shocking headline from international news: "Teen wife locked in toilet for five months".

I read and thought, "Imagine how much reading she must've got done." I think most blokes would like the idea of five months in a toilet. It's the one room in the house where you can get some peace and quiet. And it's the one room that's lockable.

But the details of the actual story is far more depressing. It was a 15-year-old who was forced to stay in the bathroom. A 15-year-old girl, of course. A 15-year-old boy would spend five months in the bathroom as soon as the new Grattans catalogue arrived.

Afghan police rescued the girl who was locked up in a toilet for more than five months after she defied her in-laws who tried to force her into prostitution.

Sadly this is a sign that the country still doesn't have a correct attitude to women. It's shocking that in the modern day so many women live such horrible lives because they're not valued in their society.

Still, I write this in a country whose BBC puts a panda on it's Women Of The Year list, so I don't have the high ground here.

>Read the source story


Celebrity Science Is Wrong

Sense About Science (SAS) has published its annual list of what it considers the year's worst abuses against science. This time they highlight some of the stupidest science things celebs have said in interviews.

American singer-songwriter Suzi Quatro said: "I used to get a lot of sore throats and then one of my sisters told me that all illnesses start in the colon. I started taking a daily colon cleanser powder mixed with fresh juice every morning and it made an enormous difference."

Wow. If your enema can clear your throat you must live in a place with really good water pressure.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann used an appearance on a U.S. television show to tell a story of a woman from Tampa, Florida, who said her daughter had become "mentally retarded" after getting an HPV vaccine designed to protect against cervical cancer.

The SAS campaign points out that famous people can spread such anti-science and it can lead to people dying. And besides, if a vaccine could really lead to a lower IQ, Bachmann wouldn't be banning it, she'd be missing out on potential votes that way.

And U.S. reality TV star Nicole Polizzi said in an interview: "I don't really like the beach. I hate sharks, and the water's all whale sperm. That's why the ocean's salty."

If the water was that full of whale sperm the females wouldn't need to find a male to mate. And I'd hate to hear her explanation for anchovies.

Christian Louboutin, a French footwear designer, said, "What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms. So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation."

In that case a man staring into the distance while going red in the face should be sexy. That's the same position he'll be in when he orgasms.

We don't need to worry about this too much though. These people are talking rubbish, but if you get your science knowledge from celebrity magazines you probably weren't going to find a cure for cancer anyway.

>Read the source story


IVF Rip Off

IVF Rip OffThe Independent leads with claims by health expert Lord Robert Winson that IVF clinics are 'ripping off' couples desperate to have children.

This is a good time of year for this story as IVF is the only other way to have a baby while still being a virgin, just like Mary. Although, if you were Joseph, you bought the whole story about Mary being pregnant after a visit from an angel, would you still refrain from sex or would you think, "Well, it's not like she's going to get any more pregnant."

Anyway, it's claimed that the fertility clinics are charging couples three times the actual cost of their treatment.

The newspaper deals with the story from the female side, and it does seem wrong to rip someone off at such an emotional time. But it's not great from the bloke's side too. You have to go into a room, pleasure yourself AND still pay! If they're charging three times the going rate the least they could do is put on a "masseuse".

You go into one of their rooms, do all the hard work to give yourself a happy finish and then, as you leave, you still get a massive bill.

Tut. They must've seen you coming.

>Read the source story


Podcast 27 - The Christmas Special

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 27. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

This podcast is a break from the topical but it's a festive story that has a real message. If you have been following the podcast you'll know about the producer who's been working on the show. He's not been happy and... well, to find out what happened just listen to the podcast.

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Simon Cowell Is Jesus

As you get older in a down-turning economy it's easy to worry that someone much younger than you will come along and take your job. If that is something that keeps you awake at night, I have some great news for you.

There's a report in the paper about what kids these days believe about Christmas. Apparently 22% of children think that on December 25 we celebrate the birth of Simon Cowell.

Oh, I so wish that was true. It would make Easter a whole lot better.

9% thought Dappy was one of the reindeer. Don't be silly. He's one of the 7 dwarves, isn't he? Is it a he?

28% of this country's future workforce thought Lapland is a nightclub in London, and they thought the Three Wise Men were Gary Barlow, Mark Wright and Prince Charles.

I won't go on about Gary Barlow and Prince Charles, but if you think Mark Wright is 'wise' you need to give in on life.

And they also thought Jesus was born in Brentford, Essex. He wasn't. I've been there. There is plenty of room in those inns.

But the best thing about this survey is that it was commissioned by Woolworths.co.uk. So while it's easy to poke fun at the stupidity of the children who answered this survey we should remember it was paid for by what's left of a company that couldn't stop these stupid kids nicking so much pick n mix it went out of business.

>Read the source story


The Krankies Were Swingers

There are a lot of horrible things happening out there in the world of the news. Some things you read in the papers can bring you close to tears. Well, even if you can handle that, you'd better sit down for this.

The Krankies were swingers. Oh my god, I just threw up into my own mouth.

That's just ruined so many childhood memories for me. Hearing that the the Krankies were swingers is like finding out that Dogtanian's nose was red because he did so much coke. It's like hearing Cheetara from Thundercats got joggers' nipple.

The Krankies, swingers. Imagine being at one of those parties, reaching into the fruit bowl and pulling out the keys on the keyring that says, "The Krankiemobile".

You'd think, "Oh, that's just great. I get Wee Jimmy Krankie trying to go up on me."

Ian Krankie said: "It was never involved, lovey-dovey stuff with the others. It was just these incredible parties that would get out of hand. Janette might ask, 'Where's Ian?' and they'd happily tell her I was in the room next door with a dancer with my trousers around my ankles."

Trousers round your ankles? That was no time to be taking a dump.

He added: "I was a bit punchy. I punched Paul Daniels — but that's not really a bad thing is it? I think he contradicted something I was saying."

Let me guess, you thought Debbie McGee was still in the closet but Paul was saying she'd disappeared?

Janette said: "Showbiz is a notorious graveyard for marriages and people are always curious about how we managed to stick together since 1969. The truth is we've always been together as a married couple. But it didn't stop us having fun with other people."

Not only shouldn't we be shocked by this, we should encourage it. Janette holds the key to curing the paedophile problem. She's a woman over the age of consent who can look like an under-age boy. If we can get her to offer that service, and we turn the sex offenders' register into a rota, job done.

With ideas like that I don't know why I'm not in charge of the country.

>Read the source story

Magic Pill To Keep You Slim

Magic Pill To Keep You SlimPerfect news for this time of year. Scientists have invented a "magic pill to keep you slim". But hang on, we don't need a pill to keep you slim, we need a pill to 'make' you slim.

Don't go making pills to help slim people. They're annoying enough already. As soon as Christmas is over you'll bump into one of your really skinny little friends and they'll say, "Oh I know. I ate so much over Christmas. Look at my belly." as they stroke the smallest of paunches.

Come off it. I've done poos that weight more than you!

They say million of Brits could benefit from a new wonder diet pill which switches off appetite without any side effects.

So does reading the news story about The Krankies being swingers.

It's a good job we're so close to solving the obesity epidemic with some 15 million in the UK now falling into that category. Although calling it an epidemic doesn't seem right. It makes it sound like you can catch fat. "Yeah, I can't touch my toes any more, I think I'm coming down with a touch of fat. I think Greggs must be a carrier."

Researchers believe the pill will stop obese people from feeling hungry by mimicking the effect of a hormone that switches off appetite.

Have you ever met a fat person? They don't eat because they're hungry. You need a hormone that switches off low self-esteem and boredom.

They have been doing clinical tests and they say the results are promising. But how have they managed to do clinical tests? You have to have one group of fat people on the drug and one group of fat people on harmless placebo sugar-pills. As soon as they find out they taste of sugar they'll scoff the lot.

>Read the source story


Cameron Backs Christianity

David Cameron has said that the UK needs a return to "traditional Christian values" to counter the country's "moral collapse". He said we need religion to fight the "do what you please" culture that we have.

I for one agree. We need to get back to good, old fashioned Christian values like, erm, The Crusades. That was a traditional Christian thing. Let's get some swords and head to some Muslims. Cameron was saying we shouldn't be afraid to say we're a Christian country, well nothing says that like a Crusade.

Or maybe he means traditional Christian values like not being big fans of homosexuals and not letting women do much.

Or maybe he's going really old school. Maybe he means we you have some of the values of the early days of Christianity, like throwing yourselves at lions. Actually, maybe that was more of a Roman idea.

Or maybe when he says we need Christian values to stop society repeating the riots he means kinder and warmer values, like a love of pancake day. If more people had just enjoyed a slap up meal of pancakes with lemon juice I think they wouldn't have been in the mood for rioting.

He can't mean Christmas. The tradition of getting the latest gadgets for free is kind of "riots light".

Or maybe, what he means is we should have the morals and ethics to keep us on the right track. The kind of morals you can get from any religion, Aesop's Fables or as I found out today, by listening to the songs of the Oompa Loompas in the original version of the film Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory.

But why just talk about morals and ethics when you can bring religion into it? It might get you the Christian vote and after all, no one ever died because of religion, right?

>Read the source story


Whatever Seems To Be The Crappest Word

It's official, the most annoying word is "whatever". That's a surprise. I would've said the most annoying word is "no". But that's because I've been told "no" more often than I've been told "whatever".

In fact, from what I remember of a long term relationship, "whatever" is the opposite of "no" when it comes to trying to initiate romantic proceedings. You either get told "no" or "whatever". The "yes" dies out after the first few years.

It's the annual survey by the Marist College Institute for Public Opinion. It found that nearly four in ten adults named "whatever" as the most annoying verbal filler in casual conversation, while one in five adults had similar disdain for "like" and "you know."

I notice it was a survey of adults. If it was a survey of teens they wouldn't say a bad thing about "whatever". If they couldn't use that they'd be practically mute.

Unless that's what happened. They asked a lot of teens, "Excuse me, what would you say is the most annoying word?" And the teens just mumbles, "Oh, whateva!", hid back under their fringe and scurried off to McDonald's.

I agree with these findings but I think it doesn't go far enough. Whatever is the most annoying word when it comes to verbal fillers, but it's also the most annoying word when it's actually used as a word.

If you ask someone what type of take away food they'd like and they say, "whatever," they're not giving you free rein to pick what you want. They are simply not participating. As soon as you say, "OK, erm, I quite fancy Chinese," they'll chime in with, "No, not Chinese."

Then you didn't mean "whatever"!

But the most annoying use of "whatever" is when it's alongside lashings of "you want" and "you like" and put in a Status Quo song.

>Read the source story


You Won't Find Mr Right

Hey Steve. It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin N Allen. You know that new style you've been looking for...A new survey has found that the perfect man simply doesn't exist.

Well, I don't remember anyone with a clipboard stopping me in the street and asking how brill I am, so maybe you should keep looking.

This was actually a survey of women and it found that most think their partner is only 69% perfect.

Reading that I am very tempted to make a joke about "how a 69 sounds perfect to me" and then I realise it's that kind of thing that stops us blokes scoring higher.

The same survey also found that three in four women believe there is no such thing as the perfect man.

What you're saying is that in this whole world, of all the 3.5 billion men on it, throughout all of humanity, not one of us meets your standards. Then maybe the problem is your standards.

If they find the Higgs-Boson before you find the ideal partner, it's time to change your search criteria.

According to the report the common faults men have include not really listening to what the woman has to say and leaving the toilet door open. And yet the same women who refuse to put up with men because of these issues will then buy a cat.

I don't want this to seem like it's sexist, so let's phrase it the other way. Whenever I am on the look out for a partner I don't try to find the ideal woman. I'm not looking for someone who has no faults, no bad habits, who has perfects looks, personality and of course, no mood swings. I don't want to find the perfect woman because if I do, I know she can do better than me.

So, think on ladies.

>Read the source story

Mad Friday

Mad FridayGet ready, it's Mad Friday. If you don't know what that means it's just the Friday before Christmas when a lot of people will go for a drink. That doesn't really sound that mad. If it were a Friday when a lot of people sat rocking back and forth, or dressing up as their dead mums, I could work with that. Or even better, Mad Friday should happen on a Thursdays. That really would be mad.

Extra staff have been brought in to deal with the annual peak in the consequences of overindulgence.

Why do you need extra staff to help with sleeping with an ugly colleague? That's the main consequence of all overdoing it at the office party, isn't it? I don't see how paramedics can help with that. Although, paramedics have to stay sober all night. It would be handy to have someone like that around to say, "Oooh, mate. I'd leave it if I were you. She works in accounts. You'll never get paid on time if you mess this up."

Laura Palts of the London Ambulance Service said, "People fall over, hit their heads, twist their ankles and so on, but mostly they're just very drunk and need looking after."

The worst drink-related injury I ever got was when I tried to photocopy my bum at an office party. The trouble was, it was only a small office and the photocopier was built into the phone and fax machine. You know, where you have to feed the paper through. It still brings tears to my eyes.

>Read the source story


Bikers Becomes Superheroes

A Canadian company is offering motorbike riders the chance to wear leathers in the style of movie superheroes. Bikers can be dressed up as Batman, Iron Man or Wolverine.

Great. So now you can look like you're running late for your Father For Justice meeting.

The Toronto-based UD Replicas make ultra-detailed versions of sci-fi and superhero outfits exactly as seen on screen. One outfit is the Star Wars stormtrooper.

If you're going quickly on a bike dressed as a stormtrooper you'd better watch out for two short blokes dressed as Ewoks with a big rope.

Another of the outfits is the Tron outfit. Don't ride a bike dressed as a bloke from Tron. You'll end up driving into a wall made of light, as if you don't have enough dangers on the road already.

Company president David Pea, a self-confessed comic book fan, claims they offer even more protection than normal leathers.

Well, they might offer more protection in the event of an accident but they actually increase the odds that the cool boys will nick your dinner money.

>Read the source story


Santa Get Death Threats From Girl

A 13-year-old girl has shocked her mother by asking Father Christmas for a list of presents and threatening to kill him if he doesn't comply.

I see the UK riots might have stopped but the spirit behind them still lingers.

Mekeeda Austin warned Santa that he will be "killed" if he fails to deliver at least two of her long list of gifts.

Nice. But she needs to learn a lesson; don't threaten someone who can get into your room while you're asleep. You'll find yourself strapped to the back of a sleigh, luv.

Her list of demands includes a BlackBerry smartphone. See what I mean about the spirit of the riots?

She also demanded that Santa bring her "the real-life Justin Bieber". If you put him in a box, Santa, remember to poke some air holes. Or not.

The 13-year-old goes even further and threatens to "hunt down" Santa's reindeer so she can "cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day".

She is a little ray of sunshine, that girl. One day she'll make someone a perfect ex-wife.

Her mother, Tracey, from Brickhill, Bedford, found the note – which ends, "Remember… two of these, or you die" – in Mekeeda's school bag but has vowed to try to meet her daughter's demands rather than punish her.

I'm sorry, but if you threaten to kill an old man you don't deserve to get what you want. A violent and unstable girl shouldn't get what she demands. Well, apart from the Bieber one. She can have him.

>Read the source story

Rebecca Loos, Money For Nothing

The Leveson inquiry is still going on. Recently we learned that Rebecca Loos was given a six figure sum by the News of the World for her kiss and tell about David Beckham.

A million for having sex. That's like winning the lottery, but she only had to get two balls... on her chin.

Neville Thurlbeck says his story about Miss Loos' alleged affair with Beckham was justified because the Beckhams 'made money on their fairy-tale marriage'.

So he thinks he had a duty to prove they didn't have a fairy-tale marriage? That seems a little harsh. I pretend I'm funny on stage, I don't need some journalist going round finding evidence that I once did a really rubbish joke about a mother-in-law.

And were they making money off their marriage? He was a footballer. No one thinks footballers have good marriages. And did you see his Armani underwear adverts? They hardly shouted, "faithful hubby".

When it comes to buying Police sunglasses that David advertised, no one was thinking, "I think I'll buy these because then I look like a father in a stable relationship." You bought them because you think they'd make you look sexy and maybe get someone to send you sex texts too.

That was my favourite part of the story when it broke, when the newspapers printed the redacted rude text messages between David and Rebecca. And in his defence, if I had a voice like David, I'd flirt by text too.

>Read the source story


Podcast 26 - Leveson inquiry, Kepler 22b, Gadgets and Men Think of Sex

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 26. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

The Leveson inquiry
How Often Do Men Think About Sex
Life on Kepler 22b
Gadgets For Christmas

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