Podcast 43 - Review of 2012

SomeNews podcastIt's the SomeNews Podcast. We're at the end of yet another year of podcast entertainment (well, hopefully it's been that). We take a look at the news of the last year.

As it's a compilation podcast, it runs a little longer than the usual ones, but have a listen and see what we've just lived through. From the Costa Concordia, to Fifty Shades of Grey, via the Olympics and topless royals. It's all there for you.

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A Big Hello To Aliens

According to the BBC, the Church of Scientology has carved a message into the desert so that aliens can read it.

While a lot of the newspapers are mocking that today, I think it's a great idea. It's a long shot but if aliens exist and are travelling to see us, they will be able to read really big signs on the Earth.

The Scientologists have apparently put a 22 mile wide "hello". I think they're missing a trick. We could put adverts in the desert. Like all those Eurocar ads when you arrive at an airport. We could advertise goods and services to them.

Hey, they keep saying we're in a global recession. Well, if the whole globe is broke we need outside funding, that's basic economics. This is a great solution.

Or maybe we could use it as a warning sign. Remember, it's the first sign the aliens will see. So, maybe "Beware of The Britney" would be for the best.

But my personal choice, because it would look so sweet, would be a sign that says to the aliens, "Welcome To Earth". And below it, "Please fly carefully through our solar system".

>Read the source story

Review of 2012 - December

Ah, December. It's like it was only yesterday.

Back in September we saw Kate Middleton topless on a balcony. In December we found out the second part of that story. They'd had sex. I think that's how it works. We heard Kate was pregnant with a Royal baby. And given what we saw back in September, we knew where that baby would be dining. Get ready for austerity Britain baby.

701145486After Starbucks, Google and Amazon got into trouble for not paying much corporation tax in the UK, Starbucks said they'd pay a bit. How very nice of them. They seemed to think tax was like paying a tip, and that HMRC was just a big version of a pot on the counter.

But the Twittersphere when crazy and people were tweeting things like, "I'm going to boycott Starbucks for not paying tax." Which they tweeted from the Google Chrome browser, or Amazon Kindle Fire, or Google Android phone that they bought on Amazon. Basically, we're screwed.

James Arthur won this year's X Factor, which meant Jahmene Douglas came second. Or as Nicole would say, Jahunfortunate. And Christopher Maloney came third. He could've won it if he hadn't have run out of phone credit.

Good news. December saw the biggest fall in jobless numbers for a decade. See, if you stop giving people on benefits enough money to eat, the numbers soon drop. Well 701116160done Government. With more people earning money it explains why more people can afford to waste their cash by throwing it at Rio Ferdinand. And while we're talking stats, data from the census shows that people who are 'White British' are now a minority in London. They're also a minority in Essex. Well, they don't look white there.

And more stats. Scientists predicted a crisis in low sperm counts in men (obviously in men. If a woman has a high sperm count she's either got medical problems or is very popular at her work's Xmas do). The Independent even ran a special feature called "How to boost your sperm count". Spoiler alert: Reducing it like a jus doesn't work.

Oh, and the Mayans predicted that we'd all die in December 2012. I guess they got it wrong. Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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The Calendar Just For Nerds

It's that time of year when our minds turn to calendars. Sales of my own topless calendar are slow so far. I've been getting some good feedback though. People like the picture of me in February, but that's because it's a short month and they don't have to look at it for long.

I wanted to do a nude calendar this year like the Women's Institute famously did, where they had cakes and things placed so you couldn't see any rude parts. The good news is, I couldn't find any cakes big enough. Yeah, ladies, you're liking the sound of that.

The bad news is I meant the cakes weren't big enough to hide my moobs.

Meanwhile a company in Germany has made a sexy calendar for nerds. I'm a nerd so I thought I'd have a look. It's called Nerd Dreams and features woman with old computer technology.

Nerd Dreams Calendar JanuaryNerd Dreams Calendar FebruaryNerd Dreams Calendar MarchNerd Dreams Calendar April

I starts off well. In January there's a woman with an old Apple computer sat eating an apple. That's clever on so many levels. Symbolism or one of the other words they used to throw around in GCSE English Lit. Like Eve in the computer shop of Eden.

In February's one the woman has totally messed up printing with that dot matrix printer. And she's blonde, which is making her look more like an Andrex puppy than a nerd.

In March the woman has a ZX81 with a light gun. But the light gun only came with the Spectrum Plus 1. Yeah, good luck plugging that in. Tut.

Nerd Dreams Calendar MayNerd Dreams Calendar JuneNerd Dreams Calendar JulyAugust

The woman in the June page has glasses on, but I don't even think she has prescription lenses in them. How is that nerdy? I put the three years in at university, I did the reading. And kids think they can be nerdy just by wearing some Superdry specs. No. Just like you can't qualify for a blue parking badge if you sit in a Superdry wheelchair.

In November there's a woman who, by the looks of it, was trying to plug in an ethernet cable but go it so wrong she managed to tie herself up. No, no, no. Maplins sell cable tidies, and a nerd knows that.

And by December we have a woman who hasn't even plugged her computer in.

Nerd Dreams Calendar SeptemberNerd Dreams Calendar OctoberNerd Dreams Calendar NovemberNerd Dreams Calendar December

After looking through the whole calendar I have a slight suspicion that these women aren't actually nerds. See, I might be a nerd, but I'm perceptive at times.

>Read the source story

P.S. If you want to buy the Nerd Dreams Calendar 2013 click here.

Steve N Allen on BBC Radio

I'll be a guest on BBC London 94.9 tonight, talking about some items from the news.

If you want to listen and you're in London or in surrounding counties tune in to 94.5 FM or on DAB.

The online stream should start below...

...if that doesn't work you can Open the BBC player

Or try the TuneIn Radio site/app.

You can also listen on satellite/cable TVs:

Freesat channel 718
Sky channel 0152
Virgin channel 937

If you live outside London you can add BBC London 94.9 on Sky using these channel settings
Frequency = 11954
Polarity = Horizontal
Symbol Rate = 27500
FEC = 2/3

I think that's all the options.

Review of 2012 - November

While Operation Yew Tree continued to make has-been celebrities look bad, along came something that made some look even worse, the new series of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here. Helen Flanagan did so many trials she was on the TV every night with Ant and Dec. Most people saw that and thought, "They're an impressive pair." MP Nadine Dorries went into the jungle, not to raise her own celebrity profile, but to highlight some serious issues. I'm not sure what those issues were. I watched the show and now I understand the plight of kangaroo's balls. That's about it.

Elsewhere in celebrity news, Keira Knightley said she's happy to go topless in films because her breasts are so small. But she won't go bottomless. Does that mean she has a massive clump?

She certainly has more down there than the man in Thailand who had to have his manhood removed after he tried to make it bigger by injecting olive oil into it. Extra virgin? Well, he kind of is now. Putting olive oil in your penis is not a good idea, and it is also the total opposite to Popeye.

And speaking of putting your penis in things, in America, General David Petraeus lost his job when a scandal broke about him sleeping with his biographer. I should admit, I have slept with my biographer in the past. Well, I wrote an autobiography, but it still counts.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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No New Year Plans?

To quote a conversation I heard in a coffee shop this week...

WOMAN 1: So, 2013.
WOMAN 2: Oh, I'm not looking forward to it.
WOMAN 1: Why's that?
WOMAN 2: Well, it's unlucky.
WOMAN 1: Unlucky?
WOMAN 2: Yeah, 13. I'm very superstitious.

And then picture me sat at the next table pulling faces as I fight the urge to shout, "Even if 13 is unlucky, 2013 is a different number! 13 is prime, 2013 is divisible by 3! Only because it's express in base 10 do you even think it's related. In hex you'd be saying I don't like the year 7dd because d is unlucky. And yes! I know! I should get out more!"

It seems that not that many people are making a big deal about the start of 2013. Over 50% of Brits say they won't be celebrating on New Year's Eve. Why? I always prefer New Year to Christmas, as no one has to pretend that New Year is "all about the kiddies". (Really? If Christmas was actually all about the children we wouldn't spend that much on alcohol.)

Also, 15% say they're not partying to see in the new year to save money. No. It's the wrong attitude. You should go out and celebrate life. On New Year's Even I'm going to party like it's 1999!

Which means I'll spend the night worried that the Y2K bug will kill us all and ruin my VCR.

>Read the source story

New Year's Honours? On Ya Bike

Bradley Wiggins is now Sir Bradley of Wiggins, or something like that. He is on the New Year Honours list. He said: "I never imagined I'd ever become a knight. It's incredible."

And what I like about this is that he rides a bike. Normally these knighthoods go to entertainers who wouldn't be able to joust to save their lives. But a bike is the modern day version of the horse. All I'm saying is, if Camelot is being invaded, would you rather have Sir Bradley Wiggins or Sir Bruce Forsyth defending you?

So, in 2012 "Wiggo" won the Tour de France, got gold at the Olympics, was named Sports Personality of the Year, and now he gets a knighthood. Good luck doing better in 2013.

Many Olympians were named in the honours list, but some people where upset that Mo Farah only got a CBE, not a knighthood. I think he deserved more. He won two golds but more importantly became the first person ever to beat The Cube on ITV1.

Meanwhile, someone who hasn't been plastered all over the front pages is 92-year-old Captain Roberts who got an MBE for his work breaking German codes in World War II.

Bradley did his work a few months ago, and got a knighthood for winning at the game of "riding a bike". Captain Roberts helped to win a war, had to wait decades and gets an MBE. Hmm. Makes you think if we have our values right.

>Read the source story

Review of 2012 - October

At the Tory Party conference we heard of plans to let home-owners use "disproportionate force" against burglars. It's hard to know what disproportionate is. If someone nicks the milk off your doorstep you have to firebomb their village. It seems like a lot of work. The plans included grossly disproportionate force being illegal. So, what is a "grossly disproportionate" thing to do to a burglar? Well, according to David Cameron it's OK to knock out a burglar, it's OK to stab a burglar, but it would be "grossly disproportionate" to stab a burglar who is already knocked out. Well, yeah. Who'd want to do that? Not even Liam Neeson in the film Taken goes round being that much of a nasty piece of work.

We found out that we were going to be in for a cold winter when British Gas announced that it was increasing its prices by 8%. If you see Sid tell him... he's a dick.

Speaking of which, Lance Armstrong got into trouble for being a drugs cheat but he still insisted that he'd done nothing wrong. Wow. Imagine the size of the ball on that guy.

A Brazilian student sold her virginity for almost half a million pounds in an online auction. And now that virginity has been found to be a worthwhile commodity there's every chance that America will invade a place that has a lot of virgins. I've seen the UK, we're safe.

She's 20-year-old Catarina Migliorini, which makes her too old for the last story from that month. The headline was "Glitter's 10-hour Sex Quiz", which sounds like one of the worst TV shows Channel Five has ever made. Gary Glitter was arrested by the police investigating Jimmy Savile. Since then so many entertainers from the 70s have been linked to paedophilia. It's ruined so many childhood memories, although not everyone back then was a wrong 'un. I remember watching The Krankies, and as long as the old bloke never shagged Wee Jimmy I'll be OK.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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Tom Cruise Has No New GF

Poor old Tom Cruise. He can't seem to catch a break. People have been saying he's not tall enough to play the part of Jack Reacher in the new film. He's more of a Jack "Can't Quite" Reacher.

He once had water squirted in his face at a film premiere. And yet whenever Pete Doherty was seen out no one thought to give him a wash, when he clearly needed it more.

And when an article on The Sun website called Tom the "Jesus of Scientology" someone wrote in the comments section that we should get some planks, nails and put it to the test. OK, the person who left that comment was me, but now I feel bad about it.

He's had a rough time in his love life after his relationship with Katie Holmes ended, but recently we heard he'd started seeing someone. Rumour had it he'd been seeing Cynthia Jorge who is 26. He's 50. Within a reasonable error that means he's dating someone half his age. That's a dream of any man, which he can only say out loud as soon as he hits his 32nd birthday.

There were reports that Tom and Cynthia were grinding on a nightclub dance floor. I don't see nothing wrong with that.

Sadly the latest gossip is that Cynthia has denied a relationship with the actor. But people saw them grinding. How can both of those facts be true? It can mean only one thing, the height difference meant he was probably rubbing her shins raw. The poor bloke.

>Read the source story

Mila Kunis - Sexiest Woman Alive

Mila Kunis, who was recently named 'Sexiest Woman Alive' woman by America's Esquire magazine, says she won't let it go to her head.

That's a shame. You may as well enjoy it. It's like those people who win the lottery and say it won't change them. No. Make the most of it. If you win the lottery and still go to work you should have to give the money up... to me ideally.

'Sexiest Woman Alive' is a strange title to bestow on someone. It implies there might be dead people who are sexier. They've been rotting in the ground and you're saying they might be sexier than Mila Kunis? Who would find someone who's just bones attractive? Other than the fashion industry.

When asked about being the sexiest woman, Mila said: "I don't know how to answer that question without sounding like an asshole. Either way, I am damned."

Typical. You tell her she looks the best and she's worried about how she sounds. Some people are never happy.

She also said: "I don't Google myself."

Really? If I looked like her I would. And that's true whether you think that's a euphemism or not.

>Read the source story

Review of 2012 - September

We all enjoyed the Paralympics mainly because George Osborne got booed as he attended a medal ceremony. He was unhappy, but that's because he isn't used to giving away the gold to people who could claim disability benefit. The Paralympics closing ceremony was mainly just Coldplay singing for hours. It was a rare treat, but mainly for the deaf competitors.

And September was the month when we got to see some regal boobies. A French magazine printed pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge topless. At first I didn't know who that was. I thought it Camilla. And then I saw the pictures, and I didn't know who that was. I saw a posh person with small boobs and I didn't know if it was Wills or Kate. But I looked at those photos so much they are forever burned into my memory, or as I now have to call it, "The Royal Bank of Wank".

Star magazine was wildly speculating that Kate was pregnant with twins. How times have changed, eh?

15-year-old school girl Megan Stammers ran away to France with her 30-year-old maths teacher. They didn't seem to realise that she was half his age, which means he hadn't taught her maths very well. Apparently he was only trying to walk her home but he was using Apple Maps.

Vogue magazine had an interview with Kristen Stewart where she talked about her former relationship with Robert Pattinson. Apparently he used to like to lick her armpits. I know what you're thinking, "That's wrong." But it's not as wrong as being unfaithful with married film director Rupert Sanders, just to put it into perspective. And Heidi Klum became a single woman again. We don't know if they split up because her partner stopped earning money. Well, do not use if Seal is broken.

We may have been called plebs this month by Tory Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell. The UK feigned surprise very well. And Nick Clegg was mocked when he took to the web to say sorry for breaking his promise on tuition fees. I haven't seen such a cock on a webcam since I tried out Chat Roulette.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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Too Many Sprouts, The Side Effect!

Christmas – it's all fun and games till someone goes to hospital because of Brussels sprouts. "That's a rubbish saying," people would tell me. Yeah? Well, who's laughing now?

Yes, a man in Scotland was hospitalised after overdosing on Brussels sprouts. This is a shocking story on so many levels.

1: There's someone out there who likes Brussels sprouts.
2: You can OD on greens.
3: There's a man in Scotland who eats vegetables.

Apparently sprouts are rich in vitamin K, which the body uses to promote blood clotting. The man ate a plate of sprouts and suffered heart failure after the sprouts interfered with his blood thinning medication.

And while he had 911 on the phone he should speak to the police about his missus. Who serves up a plate of sprouts for Christmas? That's cruelty.

I should know. I tried to eat a full plate of sprouts once. I nearly managed it but after I'd eaten a few mouthfuls, I dropped one.

>Read the source story

Review of 2012 - August

In August, we should've been miserable, we were in the longest double-dip recession in 50 years. The economy had shrunk for the third quarter in a row. If you think a "dip" lasts 9 months, stay the heck away from my tea with your biscuits. But we started to get happy as something magical happened. The UK wasn't as crap at the Olympics as we thought. I knew the UK would do well in the Olympics, because thanks to the previous summer's riots most of our young folk had sportswear.

Ultimately we came third, America came first but not without controversy. US judo expert Nick Delpopolo was disqualified for taking marijuana. Thank heavens he was thrown out of the competition, because we can't have someone giving themselves a competitive advantage by smoking weed. That's the same competitive advantage you'd get from drinking Ovaltine and sitting down funny on your own nads before a match.

In second place came China. Interestingly most of their gold medals came from their female athletes. Imagine how well they could've done if they let more of their girl babies live.

After all the celebrations of the Olympics, that included the Queen jumping out of a helicopter (well, parking round there was a nightmare), August sadly ended on a bad note. Cheryl Cole was involved in a car crash. Will.I.Am was driving. It's because he's a judge on The Voice. He probably had his chair facing the wrong way.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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