The Ice Cometh

Once again the UK winter brings with it the usual panic. A few days ago there was snow in the Home Counties. Since then I have been living off my supply of tinned food and drinking my own urine. Those two facts aren't related but I just wanted to tell someone. I have really clear skin right now.

Well, we are now in for an Arctic blast that could bring up to six inches of snow next week. That's enough for some serious panic in the UK. Roads will be closed, airports will shut down, a queue will form for my bottled urine.

Temperatures could drop to as low as -16C, which means the rock rock salt that is used to keep our roads ice-free won't work. But look on the bright side, that rock salt will be stuck in depots weeks anyway.

Starting on Tuesday the Siberian winds will throw us into a freeze. I like how the newspapers even managed to blame our cold weather on foreigners. There's a chance that some parts of the UK could get as low as -30C. When temperatures get that cold odd things start to happen. Some antifreezes stop working, pipes burst and even fat people stop sweating.

It's not the ice that brings the UK (and let's be honest here, England, because everywhere else in the UK can handle a bit of snow) to its knees, it's the now. And if we get down to -30C will be get snowed on? Well, some people say that it's too cold to snow.

These are the people who don't realise that it's -50C at the North Pole, and it snows there ALL THE TIME!

Competition: You could win a bottle of Steve's urine. Leave a comment to be entered into the prize draw.

(It might not seem like a great prize now, but you wait till be get more than an inch of snow.)

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