UK Water Shortage

Drought in the UKWe could be getting hosepipe bans in Britain soon. Now, before you panic too much, they only ban you from using a hosepipe with water. You can still beat whoever you have chained up in the cellar.

Yes, we're facing the worst drought since 1976. Darn it. If only all that snow that covered the entire nation was made from water or something.

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman said that after two dry winters, South-east England is officially in a drought. We're amazing. We get rained on and drizzled on all the time and yet we manage to have a drought. It's like when you hear about those fat people who don't eat vegetables, so they're massive but still suffer from malnutrition. We're a rainy island having a drought. We're suffering from early-Pauline Quirke style irony.

East Anglia has been in the grip of a drought since last autumn. Next month the Environment Agency is to name more areas under threat.

Let me guess. Areas in the UK that are probably suffering drought will include Birmingham, the Lake District and the North Sea.

I don't really mind the hosepipe ban, I rarely water anything, and I don't mind the ban on sprinklers, as long as that doesn't include ones that put out fires in big buildings if that's where I'm working. What will be annoying is the advice on how to save water we'll have crammed down out necks in the coming months.

They'll have us sharing baths with neighbours, only flushing it if there's flies on it and drinking orange cordial neat from the bottle. And after all the advice from the water companies on the news, they'll go to the travel update and we'll hear about some road closed because of a burst water main.

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