Woman Who Came Back From Dead Dies

What an amazing story that has unfolded over the last few days. First we heard that an 88-year-old Brazilian woman woke up in her own coffin before it was buried.

Oh, that's my worst nightmare.... being Brazilian! Kidding! Nearly being buried alive.

The woman was pronounced dead at 4:50pm on Dec. 22 and sent to a funeral home.

She was lying motionless exactly like she had passed away. Sounds like a woman I dated.

She woke up at 8:30pm in her own coffin. Imagine waking up in a coffin. You'd think, "Oh no! I'm a vampire."

The story doesn't have a happy ending though before two days later she died, properly this time.

She died, came back to life and two days later died again. Shame she didn't do all that round Easter.

>Read the source story


Vince Cable - The Musical?

Vince Cable has done it again. He's been moaning about BSkyB and it's landed him in some trouble. It's not the first time he has opened his mouth to moan.

Basically he's a grumpy old man. If you saw him in a Post Office you'd avoid standing next to him in case he went off on one about how small 5 pence pieces are these days.

But let's celebrate the grumpy nature of our Vince before it's too late.

>Read the source story
P.S. And now.... The Music Video


Google Pants

A Japanese woman is suing Google for showing images of her underwear.

I hope it was on Street View, not Google Earth, or she has a really big arse.

It makes you feel sorry for astronauts: "What's that big thing to the right of the Great Wall of China? It's like it's watching us. There... it winked!"

The unnamed lady is requesting 600,000 Yen (£4,588) from the search engine, claiming that she suffered psychological distress from her washing line being displayed on the Google Maps feature.

According to Japan's Mainichi newspaper, she told the court: "I was overwhelmed with anxiety that I might be the target of a sex crime."

Just how much of a draw do you think your pants are? And do you think the average sex criminal Googles to see where to attack first?

And wait a minute. You can get nearly 5-grand for showing your pants on Google? Right, I'm going to put a picture of mine on here and wait till the Google bot indexes this page...

That'll be £5,000 please!

>Read the source story


More Snow Trouble

The Daily ExpressThe front page of the Daily Express today goes with its usual racist message. In fact the only mention of anything that remotely brown is near the word 'drugs', so it's keeping to form.

The supertext is about the weather. Yet again, as a nation, we are brought to our knees by a little bit of snow.

We never have enough salt to fix the roads. We all eat too much of it and we're told that too much salt will kill us. And then we die in a crash on an icy road. Oh, the irony.

Mum Rips Off Daughter-In-Law's Nipple

An odd story from New Mexico. A 30-year-old woman had her nipple torn off in a row with her 44-year-old mother–in-law.

I'm guessing the mother-in-law won the row?

The mother and son began to row at their home when the daughter-in-law stepped in; "leave it Terry, she's not worth it," stuff like that. So the mum grabs the wife by the nip and pulls. Ouch! What did she think would happen, as the nip went back in the wife would talk like an Action Man doll?

I know things probably get a bit snappy round you house when the in-laws visit but no one goes straight for the purple nurple. That's out of order.

And let's be honest, the son doesn't want to go near a nipple later on and think, "Is that mum's fingerprint?"

After the fight the younger woman felt wetness on her top so she lifted her jumper and her right nipple fell out.

Have you ever had a row where you lost even though you're sure you started out with a couple of good points...

Still, the mother-in-law was embarrassed. I bet she felt a right ti... nah, too easy.

>Read the source story


World Cup Update

World Cup UpdateA few weeks after we lost the chance to host the World Cup and the irony is lovely. All the people who were upset that we wouldn't get to have the international footballing tournament in the UK have gone back to moaning about all the foreigners who keep coming over here.

Just when the dust has nearly settled Sepp Blatter had to pipe up. He called the UK bad losers and said he was shocked by all the moaning we did.

Really? Has he ever met us before? Moaning is what we do, we're great at it. We moan when we don't get to host the World cup and we moan when we do get to host the Olympics. We moan. It's as simple as that.

I'd say we're probably the second best moaners in the world. We won't be the best because we're not that lucky. Someone would come along and beat us. See, I'm doing it again. We're naturals!

>Read the source story


Matt Cardle Wins X Factor

Matt CardleMatt Cardle has been voted winner of X Factor and he gets the million pound record contract.

Good. Now he might stop dressing like he's a Big Issue saleman.

He had been the bookies' favourite to take the crown for weeks and he got the most votes in most weeks of the whole competition. Rebecca came second.

I was expecting that no one would get the majority vote and Matt would have to form a coalition with Becca. It's OK, she'd upset some students and he'd still come out on top.

Boyband One Direction came third after being voted off earlier after 17-year-old singer Cher Lloyd was voted off the night before.

Cardle's celeb duet was with Rihanna. He really got 'into' it. In fact while he's got a music contract to look forward to he also has a sexual harassment in the workplace seminar to attend after the way he was rubbing himself on her.

It was a celebrity filled couple of shows. Ferguson performed a duet with Christina Aguilera and Dawn French was brought in for a chat on the Xtra Factor, although they brought French in to make Aguilera look normal sized.

>Read the source story

Cher Didn't Even Want To Win

CherCher got voted off of The X Factor and in today's paper she said: "I didn't want to win anyway."

Wow! I thought we'd have nothing in common.

The 17-year-old wannabe reportedly lashed out at choreographers and singing coaches saying: "I'm going to make it anyway. You lot can stick it up your a***."

Isn't she just a delight? Some people have said she's like a little copy of Cheryl Cole, but this rant shows that's not true. Cher has a nasty and violent out-bust, but there wasn't a toilet attendant anywhere near her.

I don't want to be nasty to Cher but those eyebrows make her look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

It didn't help that when she was voted off she said, "I don't want to get gack in the gox."

Ironic that she said, "You lot can stick it up your a***," when she looks like that's where Cheryl's hand has been working her from.

>Read the source story


How Ann Widdecombe Should Be Remembered

Ann Widdecombe says that after Strictly Come Dancing she'll be remembered as "the dancing banana".

No no no. Bananas are low in fat.

During the show she was also described as a "Dalek in drag".

Makes you wonder what she was doing with that sink plunger.

But Ann is OK about not being remembered as a Tory politician, but being remembered as a rubbish dancer. In an interview in a newspaper she said: "Name me the Chancellor of the Exchequer under Macmillan. You can't, can you? Nobody can. Even the politicians who have reached the very top aren't remembered."

All good so far, but she adds: "When I play Trivial Pursuit there is a question about which Prime Minister was assassinated. I have to look up his name every time. Every time!"

You're not meant to look up answers when you play Trivial Pursuit. That's cheating! She's the kind of person who'd use Google on her phone at a pub quiz. Scum!

She should be remembered as a liar and a cheat. Oooh, maybe she will be remembered for being a Tory after all.

>Read the source story


Man Marries A Total Bitch

A very strange story in the news today: a man from Australia has got married to a Labrador.

Wow! Sometimes those arranged marriages get it so wrong.

He's Joseph Guiso who tied the knot with Honey, a dog, aged five.

I can't believe they let this marriage take place. She's five! That's under-aged. Sicko!

Apparently the ceremony was going well till the end. Every time they threw the bouquet the bride kept fetching it back.

I don't think it will last. The trouble with marrying a dog is, it's only 12 months later that she gets the 7-year-itch.

>Read the source story


Tweet 2000 - A Twitter Celebration

My Tweet 2000 CelebrationOne of the reason this website works is because of the lovely people from Twitter who come here. Things have been going well for me on Twitter and I recently posted my 2,000th Tweet.

I didn't want to let the event pass without some sort of celebration, so here's a little something...

After that I bet you can't wait to join me on Twitter.

That's An Ugly Cold Front

The front page of the Express today has a picture of Ann Widdecombe posing with two donkeys. Not the first time she's been seen with a couple of asses... she was in the Tory party remember.

An over-weight virgin and a donkey. It's like the world's worst nativity scene.

But the main story is about the weather. It's the coldest winter for 100 years and we still don't have the gritters doing their work to keep the roads clear.

Last we we ran out of salt. I know who was to blame for that, KFC. Seriously, you order three bits of chicken and they still throw some packets of salt in your bag. Who has salt with fried chicken? Salt and transfats. That's not a meal, it's a suicide attempt.

This year we have all the salt and grit that we need, we just can't spread it on the roads.

So, what should you do if you get caught out in the freezing snow? The answer is on the front page. Find yourself an Ann Widdecombe. You can slit her open with a light sabre and climb inside her like a Tauntaun in Star Wars.

"And I thought she smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!"


Breastfeeding At Work

Breastfeeding At WorkA great headline: "Breastfeed Your Baby In The Office".

I should point out, it means if you work in that office. Don't just turn up to someone else's place of work and start serving.

This is the news that mothers will be able to bring their babies to work and businesses will be asked to provide them with special breastfeeding facilities under Government plans to be announced this week.

A lot of the newspapers are moaning at this, but I think it's great. (I spend a lot of time sat in coffee shops in the week and if we can these babies out of Costa* and into the workplace I might actually get a seat.)

It said in the paper: "The controversial proposal set out in a White Paper could cost employers thousands a year and business leaders warned last night the move could threaten jobs."

Why would it threaten jobs? If anything it will improve productivity. Have you ever been sat near someone who's breastfeeding? As soon as you notice you think, "Well, I can't look. She'll think I'm a sicko who's into that. I won't take my eyes off my computer screen"

You'd get so much more work done you'd be promoted in weeks.

It comes after the European Parliament voted in favour of the Pregnant Workers Directive, which would introduce mandatory paid breastfeeding breaks for new mothers.

You can get paid to breastfeed? That makes Cash 4 Gold seem pointless.

Firms would have to allow the breaks, provide a breastfeeding area for the new mums and also provide a special separate fridge.

That last one isn't for the benefit of the mums, it's for everyone else. No one wants to make a drink at work and think, "Hmm, this tastes a bit... like Carol's boobs."

>Read the source story

* Seriously, why do people bring babies and toddlers to a place where every table has scolding hot liquid on it? Take them into the pubs; the drinks are no warmer than room temperature there.


An Aspirin A Day...

TelegraphAccording to the Telegraph, all over-45s should take a daily dose of aspirin.

I agree. I'm only in my thirties and already I find kids today too noisy. If I were over 45 I'd have a pounding headache from all those kids walking round listening to music on their mobile phone speakers. And when you go in a coffee shop you have to pause mid-sentence when some kids orders a drink make from crushed ice. It's winter! Stop it!

Mr FrostyOr even better, get yourself a Mr Frosty and stay at home. And then you can play music on a proper speaker and stop bothering society.

New academic research shows that that the benefits for many healthy middle-aged and older people "far outweigh" the side effects of taking aspirin.

One of the main side effects of taking aspirin everyday is divorce. Because if a husband wants to get frisky with his wife who's over 45, and she says, "No dear, I have a headache..."

>Read the source story


A Cheryl Cole Exclusive

a topical comedy audio bitCheryl Cole might be getting some flack on X Factor but don't feel too sorry for her. Her least 'revealing' autobiography, "Through My Eyes" (Bantam, £18.99) is going to be a big hit this Christmas.

I bet when "Bantam" approached her she said, "No, I'm not a boxer, I only do that in nightclub toilets."

To find out more about her new book have a listen below...


>Read the source story

Ireland Needs A Telethon

Looks like we'll be giving Ireland £7.5billion as part of a huge international bailout of £86billion.

Why not? It's not like we're in debt at the moment! Imagine trying that yourself. Get into massive debt and when the bank manager asks what you're doing with your money, say, "Oh, I'm just giving it away."

It will mean every British family paying about £440 to help save the Irish economy.

I don't mind paying money to help out those in a foreign country who are in need, but I at least expect a Comic Relief show or something. I'll pay up as long as I get to see Lenny Henry over there. Hey, if it's true about how much they drink over there he won't be the only one with a big red nose.

The only way Ireland will get out of their money troubles is to borrow but it is just a shame they have to ask us. Hey, Ireland, did you know Ocean Finance now have their own TV channel...

>Read the source story


Pope's OK With Condoms

Front page of the Sunday Telegraph had this headline: "The Pope approves use of condoms to fight Aids."

It seems like he's going to lengths to point out that they should only be used to fight Aids, nothing else. So if you're a drugs mule, this is not for you.

It will be tricky to use a condom to only stop Aids but not stop pregnancy. It'll require a centrifuge, a turkey baster and luck.

The paper says the Pope will signal a historic shift in the position of the Roman Catholic Church this week by saying condoms can be morally justified... but only if you have Aids?

What kind of moral guidance is that? If you want to use a condom you'd better get yourself some Aids. We'll find teenage Catholics watching the film Philadelphia saying, "Lucky b*****d!"



Jason Manford Web Sex

Jason Manford quit the BBC's "The One Show" after admitting internet sex sessions with 12 female fans. The comedian revealed he had betrayed his wife with steamy chats to 12 girls on Twitter and video calls on Skype. It makes you think. First it was Leslie Grantham and EastEnders, now Jason Manford and The One Show. It's a good thing I didn't get a TV job before I bought this webcam. He announced his decision to leave the 7pm BBC1 show in a statement, saying: "I have decided after careful consideration to stand back from The One Show to concentrate on my family." It said in the newspaper that they are looking for a replacement for Jason Manford. Erm, *cough*, I'd be great. I flirt and ask for nude pictures all the ti.... ooh, you mean on The One Show? Forget it! He revealed he had spent hours in hotel rooms in conversation with scantily-clad female fans. Jason said: "If I was reading this about someone else, I'd think, 'How can he look at himself in the mirror?'" Eugh. You don't want to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror while you're having web sex. It would put you right off (and remind you you have bad posture). This whole episode just goes to show, I need to stop asking women for rude pix or stop trying to be a famous comic... Consider my forthcoming gigs cancelled.
>Read the source story


Wagner - Your Friend With Benefits

Get this for X Factor scandal. Wagner has been getting incapacity benefit.

If anyone should be getting that it's Katie Waissel, because it looks like she can't do anything right at the moment.

The Brazilian has become a hit on the ITV1 show with his strange singing and strenuous dance moves.

But while he's throwing those shapes he's also getting money for being injured.

He is believed to have raked in at least £91.40 a week in benefits and is likely to have been eligible for further housing benefit cash.

I don't think anyone begrudges him the injury money, we just want him to actually be injured. (Preferably live on telly.)

A DWP source confirmed it was aware of Wagner's claims and said he had done "nothing wrong".

Nothing wrong? He totally killed Meatloaf's 'Bat out of Hell'.

>Read the source story

Royal Wedding - Should We Care?

Is this the biggest news ever and we haven't mentioned it yet on SomeNews... the royal wedding!

Since the news broke I have been working hard trying to give a sh*t about it. Hey, why should we care about a royal wedding these days? They're not like in the olden days when there's a chance it could end in a beheading. (Although there's a higher risk of traffic accident after – I wonder if that affects princesses' insurance? I'll call Shelia's Wheels later to see.)

Some people found it romantic that Prince William gave Kate Middleton his mother's cherished engagement ring.

Yeah, second hand. Very romantic. And it was hardly a lucky talisman the last time.

Still, it does make it more interesting. I wish them well but what would happen if they split up? Would she get to keep the ring? Maybe, but she'd probably avoid any tunnels for a while.

One reason I have started to find the story more interesting is the money. According to the Sun a royal wedding could earn this country billions. If that's the case, why were people upset by Prince Charles' divorce? He was just milking a cash cow.

Some women have been upset because it means Prince William won't be marrying them. Really? Let's be honest, it wasn't likely anyway. And if you want to be with a balding man who has mummy issues... call me!

>Read the source story


The Real Apple Announcement

Today there was a 'big announcement' from Apple. Oooh, it was exiting. I was busy writing down my grid reference from my satnav because I thought people would ask, "Where were you when you heard the massive news?"

And then we heard it... Apple will be selling some Beatles songs. Is that it? I have a few Beatles CDs I could flog, where's my press conference?

But, it wasn't the only announcement regarding Apple today. Have a listen below to hear more...

>Read the source story


More X Factor Judges

The four X Factor judges could be joined by a fifth, so that we don't have a re-run of the mess Cheryl Cole caused by refusing to cast her vote.

That's great news. I don't care about the X Factor but that's one more job filled and it all helps the unemployment figures.

Simon Cowell was putting the final touches to the shake-up after he invited fans to a 'brainstorming summit'.

Wow. X Factor fans brainstorming. I image it was more like drizzle.

Twenty of the fans were asked how the ITV1 show could be improved.

Really? And they said, 'More judges'? That's the last thing I'd say.

Trap doors for when someone is voted off. A law making Simon Cowell do up his shirt. A booster seat for Louis. Wolf from The Gladiators with a pugil-stick. Anything like that would come before, 'More judges'.

>Read the source story

Student Riots

The biggest news of the week has t have been the NUS protest. That's the interesting thing about the NUS, National Union of Students; it's the only union that calls a protest not a strike. I suppose, if all the students went on strike and stopped working for a day it wouldn't bother too many people. For film studies students, how would we tell they'd stopped?

Police have now admitted they were caught off guard by the mayhem that erupted after thugs hijacked a demo of 50,000 students.

It's wrong that it should be remembered as a violent demonstration. Most of the students held a peaceful protest and only a few kicked off.

That's like thinking all Doctor Who actors are odd just because of Sylvester McCoy... and Tom Baker... and Christopher E... anyway.

People have said the police response wasn't big enough. I remember when the May Day protests used to take place. I worked in Centre Point in London and across the road is an Argos. Every year during the protests they would board up Argos in case of rioting. If you are into the destruction of property, Argos is the last place you'd go.

"I wanna smash something up. I wanna smash... (looks through catalogue)... one of those! (types in numbers) Damn it, they're out of stock."

Still, this protest has worked. We all now know that tuition fees will go up by 300%. Tut. That's expensive. I really hope I have stupid kids. I might start smoking.

P.S. Have a quick listen to the audio comments on this one. Listen here.

>Read the source story


Baby For Sale

A Florida woman was charged with trying to sell her infant son in order to pay for a new car.

Wow. I didn't even know Madonna sold cars.

What happened was, the baby's grandmother brokered the deal and initially demanded $75,000 (£47,000) but agreed to cut the price to $30,000 when told the prospective buyer could not get a bank loan.

Shame she didn't have twins. I've seen Antiques Roadshow, you always get much more for a matching pair.

The mother of the eight-week-old boy, Stephanie Bigbee Fleming, 22, of Bradenton, Florida, was to receive $9,000 of the proceeds.

Wow. That's a really small cut. And milk farmers moan about the money they get. Think of all the work this woman put in.

The person they wanted to sell the baby to alerted police and worked with them during the negotiations. So let me get this right. They'd called the police and were haggling just for the sake of it. Well, it's good practise I guess. If you can get a good deal on someone's baby buying that new flatscreen TV should be a breeze.

>Read the source story


Cheryl's Pie In The Face

Cheryl Cole got custard pie in the face at Pride Of Britain Awards. Wow! This is big news. It's the nearest she's been to food in ages. The X Factor judge agreed to let fan Cameron Small, 12, chuck the cake at her as she presented him with the Young Fundraiser prize in exchange for a £5,000 donation to charity. So, for £5,000 you can throw something at Cheryl? I think Trayc from X Factor will be having a whip-round. Cheryl said: "Cameron has been so remarkable, getting a little bit of pie on my face is a small price to pay." She's lucky. He's 12. Give him three more years and it wouldn't by pie on her face.
>Read the source story


George W Bush's Memoirs

Today's Independent talks about George W Bush's memoirs.

Their headline is: "Regrets? Too few to mention."

Really, are you sure it shouldn't be "Too many to count"? And this is George W Bush, if he has more than ten regrets he'd have to take his shoes off to count them. If he had 21 he's have to get naked.

He doesn't regret water-boarding people. Let's be honest, he probably thinks water-boarding means surfing.

I don't think anyone is surprised by that. No one thought he'd be filled with regret about water-boarding suspected terrorists. In fact he's probably happy it also gave them wash.

The most shocking thing from these memoirs is that Bush says he had a competition with his political adviser Karl Rove to see who could read the most history books in a year.

I didn't even know Pete And Jane were in that many history books.

Rove won with 110 but Dubya wasn't far behind, he read 95 in all. To be fair to George he had all that colouring in to do too.

>Read the source story


Prisoners Go Home (Like E.T.)

Thousands of foreign prisoners are to be sent home to serve their sentences in their home countries.

The right wing newspapers are loving this story. It's right up their street. These are the same newspaper that got upset when youth offenders were sent on a holiday. How is it any different? You do a crime and they buy you a plane ticket.

OK, some of them will have to suffer cramped confinement, substandard food and a total lack of respect for their human rights, but that's what happens when you travel by RyanAir.

Did you know, it costs the taxpayer £38,000 to keep someone in jail for a year, that's more than the fees to send a pupil to Eton?

If you go to prison you'll meet other criminals and get better at crime, so when you get out you'll take from the good people of the UK. Whereas if you go to Eton you can become a Tory MP and you'll take from the good people of... you see what I'm saying.

So, if you want to save money don't send the criminals to prison, send them to Eton. Either way, they won't want to pick up the soap in the shower.

>Read the source story


Prisoner Suffragettes

The Express got upset today about the fact that prisoners in the UK will get the right to vote.

Don't worry. I don't think they'll make it to the polling stations.

The newspaper said: "A cave-in by the Government could see about 70,000 inmates including murderers, rapists and paedophiles being allowed to cast ballots."

Why are people so worried? Do they think the politicians will start aiming for the murder vote? They'll promise to cut the VAT on shovels?

And as for the paedophile vote, again there's no need to worry. A lot of polling station are set up in schools and they're not allowed within 50-yards.

Your average paedophile won't like many politicians anyway. They'll be saying, "Hey! How come he gets to kiss babies?"

The newspaper went on to say: "The Prime Minister was 'exasperated' at losing the ban, but the Government had no choice."

I bet Cameron was upset. It would've been a great Tory plan. Cut benefits, make the poor turn to crime and send the poor to jail where they can't vote. The next election would be a Tory landslide.

We should all get over it. It won't make a difference, most prisoners like most non-prisoners, won't vote and it won't swing elections. I just wish they let the prisoners campaign a little harder first. I wanted to see prisoner suffragettes. They'd already be chained to some bars.

>Read the source story


Obama Suffers Blow

Headline of the day has to be "Obama Suffers Blow". It must be a Democrat thing because I remember Bill Clinton suffered the same. Suffer seems like the wrong word (although Lewinsky did have large teeth). Barack has done badly in the mid-terms. I know, if you're British, that sounds like some sort of school mock exam. In some ways it is, and Obama has had the test handed back with red pen all over it. Yeah, it was only a few years ago that the world rejoiced when America voted in Barack. "No more Bush!" they chanted round the White House. Well, they chanted that when Clinton left too but that was different. We were so happy that the new guy wouldn't be starting wars all over the globe. He wouldn't be making people want to blow things up in the West. He wouldn't be an embarrassment. Well, that was just too low profile for some right wing Americans, and they protested with their vote. It seems a lot of Americans were upset with the universal health care Obama brought in. How dare he try and give health care... to everyone! That's just not very America. Hey, you won't enjoy that new kidney if you don't feel like you've earned it. The Democrats lost control of the House of Representatives. But it's not all doom and gloom for the left. In a rare triumph, Democrat Jerry Brown won the California seat despite spending nothing on campaigning compared to his opponent Meg Whitman's £800million, including £100m of her own money. Former eBay boss Whitman said in defeat: "Tonight has not turned out quite as we had hoped." Now she knows how I felt when I was outbid for those Star Trek NG egg cups. (The egg made the Picard look life-like.)
>Read the source story


British Army Under French Control

The British army is to take French orders. So, looks like we're surrendering. I'm kidding. I'd like to thank the spirit of Stan Boardman for that joke. If you don't know who Stan Boardman is, he was a cross between John Bishop and... no, just John Bishop. Britain and France will sign a new 'entente cordiale' which will put the security of the UK and her overseas territories in the hands of the French for 50 years. It's either a clever way to pool resources and save money during a time of economic depression, or it's the end of a really long salvo in the battle of Waterloo. If we find out this has been the French strategy all along they deserve the win. This document has been a big risk for the security of the UK. Not that teaming up with the French is a risk. But flying the ink cartridges in to print it...
>Read the source story


Alcohol vs Illegal Drugs

Alcohol is more dangerous than illegal drugs like heroin, ecstasy and crack cocaine, a new study has said.

A study of what, Amy Winehouse's second album?

Researchers rated alcohol the most dangerous substance based on the overall dangers to the individual and society as a whole.

I guess what they're saying is, if you're going on a work's Christmas party you'd better get off your tits first. That might be the best advice ever printed in a paper.

Professor David Nutt's team analysed how addictive a drug is and how it harms the human body as well as other factors like environmental and socio-economic costs, such as health care, social services, and prison.

They found heroin, crack cocaine and methamphetamine to be the most lethal to individuals. When considering their wider social effects, alcohol, heroin and crack cocaine were the most dangerous. But overall, alcohol outranked all other substances.

Typical. They're not thinking about the positive effects of a drug on society. If it was for alcohol most of those DNA tests on The Jeremy Kyle Show would be pointless. And then what would I do in the mornings?

>Read the source story


Seasonal Bomb Terror Threat

Many people have been celebrating Halloween. It's a strange holiday, where we dress our kids up and teach them how to take sweets from strangers. It's like a home delivery service for kiddie-fiddlers.

And it's too American. The proper British thing to celebrate at this time of year is Guy Fawkes Night. And some people are keeping with tradition. Just the other day someone tried to blow up an aeroplane.

First there was the shoe bomber and after that if we wanted to fly we had to take off our shoes. Then came the pant bomber and after that we had to take off our pants. (I go to a very disreputable airport.)

And now someone tried to blow up a plane with a printer cartridge. Great, now if we want to fly we'll have to take off our printers. And that's a shame because when I check in online I always forget to print off the boarding pass.

It wasn't the first ink cartridge to fill people with terror. Have you seen the price of the Lexmark ones!


Charlie Sheen Drunk & Naked

Charlie Sheen was found drunk and reportedly naked in a New York hotel this week.

Let's be honest, it makes sense. You wouldn't want to be drunk and naked at home. You're the one who has to clean up.

Sheen was taken to the hospital "in the company of a female, unharmed."

Are they pointing out that the woman was unharmed? Steady on, he's not Mel Gibson.

Sheen was removed from the scene for "for alcohol abuse and psychological evaluation".

They thought he needed psychological evaluation not because he was drunk, heck we've all been there. No, they thought he needed psychological evaluation because he thinks 'Two And A Half Men' is funny.

>Read the source story


Rooney Holiday Update

According to the Daily Star Wayne Rooney has splashed out £2,000-a-night on a hotel room while he's been on holiday and £25 on chicken nuggets.

That is an expensive nugget. Still, the last time he spent money on some cheap bird she went to the newspapers.

They went to Dubai to celebrate his 25th birthday. But you know what they say, you're as old as the woman you feel. So when he gets near a brothel he's eligible for a Freedom Pass.

Meanwhile The Sun reports that while on holiday Wayne and Coleen have been rowing.

He's probably in a bad mood because he won't be enjoying that holiday. Because of his recent indiscretions he won't be able to do what most men do on holiday with their partner; wear sunglasses and look at other women.

It's not being unfaithful because you're only looking. It doesn't break the "why go out for a burger when you can stay at home and have steak" rule. But sometimes, it's nice to look at the burger menu.

Basically, you go on holiday, wear shades and sit there checking out the buns.

>Read the source story

Germany Goes Nuclear

The Wall Street Journal's front page has a rare picture of the man who does the fake tan on The Only Way Is Essex.

These are actually protesters who are upset that French nuclear waste is being disposed of in Germany. At least they tell Germany that they are dumping waste there. When they send their waste to England that just put it in bottles and add a label that says Merlot on the front.

The Germans are upset because something undesirable from France has invaded their country. Seems like even Stevens.


Wayne Rooney's Break Away

Looking at the front page of The Sun today we have to ask one question: "What do Dubai and India's Commonwealth athlete's village have in common?"

They both have shits in the pool.

Wayne Rooney celebrated his £250,000-a-week pay deal at a luxury hotel in Dubai.

He gets caught having affairs, he holds his club to ransom for a pay rise and then he nips off for a holiday. Tut.

He stayed in the seven-star Burj Al-Arab Hotel. Rooms there cost £1,300-a-night.

Before he had that pay rise he could only afford £1,200 for a night.


Dragon's Den James Caan Tries To Buy A Baby

a topical comedy audio bitForget Cash4Gold, there's an even better deal out there. Dragon's Den star James Caan offered to buy a family's baby when he was in Pakistan.

We analyse the story in a little audio piece below. Have a quick listen.


>Read the source story

Brand & Perry Do A Beckham

Russell Brand and Katy Perry have reportedly taken some wedding inspiration from Posh and Becks.

What, he's going to give it a few years and then start text-flirting with his PA?

No, the couple, who are to marry this weekend, are apparently going to be sitting on giant thrones.

Erm, maybe they're taking inspiration from, I don't know, THE QUEEN!

Let's not live in a world where people think the Beckhams invented the thrown.

I like the idea of picking a fancy chair to sit on for a wedding. Firstly, it's better than standing up through the ceremony and secondly, if you get to pick the type of chair, I'm going to have a big Jimmy Savile chair. And when they say, "Do you have the ring?" I'd press a button and it would come out of the arm.

This Bacon Smells Fishy

A cafe owner has been ordered to rip out her extractor fan after complaints about the smell of bacon cooking. Council officials told Beverley Akcicek, 49, the smells were "unacceptable".

What! I thought it was universally agreed that the smell of bacon was the best smell in the world. Even some vegetarians say the smell of bacon nearly turns them back to the dark side.

The smell of bacon makes vegetarians act like former smokers. They get that look in their eye like they want to fall off the wagon. Some of them become 'social bacon eaters'. They never buy a pack themselves but they always ask for a rasher when you're out drinking.

Yep, we all agree that the smell of bacon is great. And yet, when I took my bacon perfume on Dragons Den...

>Read the source story


New War On Cheap Alcohol

Shocking headline - New War On Cheap Alcohol.

Bad idea. I can't even order a kebab correctly when I've been on cheap alcohol, so trying to run a war on it seems doomed.

This is the plan for local authorities to block cheap alcohol offers at supermarkets in a move to tackle violence and anti-social behaviour.

Show me a queue in a supermarket when someone who buys cheap booze is trying to do just that and some pleb with a name badge is trying to tell them they can't, and I'll show you a scene of violence and anti-social behaviour.

Besides, if you want to reduce violence and anti-social behaviour just stop footballers going out at night.

(And on the same front page the headline: The secret behind Flexible Felicity's splits. I imagine the cheap alcohol helps.)


Tasty Chile Miners

Cannibal minersSaturday's Daily Star says that the Chilean miners thought they might end up eating each other to survive.

Some people think that's disgusting but they would've been underground for a long while. They'd be like veal.

It's amazing what you'd eat if your life depended on it. It's very easy to sit with our bellies full and say it's wrong but we don't know how bad things would've been. After weeks of starving you'd be willing to eat the meat of another human. After a few more weeks you'd eat the offal. And after a few weeks more you'd finally give in and finish up the Pot Noodle you took down there with you.


The Chilean Mine Theme Park?

You thought the Star Wars merchandising was bad, the Chilean mine disaster now has spin-off ideas. The front page of The Star suggests the mine where the men were trapped for 69 days will re-open as a theme park.

Really? If you want to pay over the odds to get stuck a few miles down in cramped conditions with other people sat listening to their iPods... travel on the Piccadilly Line.

The one good thing about this idea is that it was called the San Jose mine, so when you ask for directions you'd get to sing it.

We're going mad for this story. I also saw in the paper that since the rescue the number of bottles of Chilean wine we have been buying has shot up as people have been celebrating with Chile-themed parties.

That's typical of us. We follow some other country's culture at the drop of a hat. They got 33 miners out of that mine - big whoop! Let's not forget, Margaret Thatcher got all the miners out of our mines when she shut them down. Anyone for an 80s-themed party instead?


The Chilean Miners Come Out

It's been a great day of TV. I've watched the none-stop coverage of the Chilean miners' rescue. I haven't seen this many people who look like they have just been dug up since I watched Last Of The Summer Wine.

You know how the TV signals go out into space? If aliens are watching they'll be thinking, "Those Earthlings are weird. They don't give birth to their young they dig them up."

They were basically using a one-man lift to pull the trapped miners out. It means it has been taking about an hour to bring each person out.

Still, it's better than having to spend an hour with someone else in the lift with you. They'd have a musac version Girl From Ipanema playing and someone would probably break wind and you wouldn't know who to blame.

So far they have all come out OK and they seem healthy. However, the best story from the newspapers is this one from the Telegraph.

"Chile miners rescue: miner asks wife and mistress to greet him"

Ouch! Looks like it won't be long till he's back underground.

>Read the source story


Larger Women Express Themselves

From the front page of the Express, we're not talking about a tax that will make well off people pay a little bit more (oh, the suffering) or the 'storm over X Factor' (as if one singer called Cher with a weird face wasn't enough). We're not even going to talk about the news story on the top left of the front page that mentioned British sportsmen and the word 'snatch' (hardly a surprise).

Look at the top right. The Express promised to tell is "Why Curvy Women Can Live Longer".

Just guessing here but is it because they're less likely to get an STD?

It's an odd story for the front page. It's clearly not big news so the Express only put it there because they thought larger women would see it and want to buy their paper to find out more. Clever marketing.

Or is it? That headline is really saying, "Are you someone who is carrying more weight than you want to? Do you feel down about your size? Envious of thinner women? Bad luck, you have to suffer with that for longer."

Newsagents probably didn't sell more copies of The Express but the sales of Galaxy chocolate bars went through the roof.


Bomb Under Olympic Site

Today's Express has the headline, "Bomb Under Olympic Site". I thought, "That's a great idea. It's one way to make sure the runners go for record times. On your marks, get set... there's a bomb!" But the next line ruined that idea. It's not even a new bomb. It's a Second World War device that currently lies where the Queen and world leaders are to gather. That's just typical of Hitler. The scheming little git. It could be very disruptive for the Olympic games. But it would've been good for the Commonwealth ones. If a bomb went off there it could do millions of pounds worth of improvements.


Common-unhealth Games

Just when you thought the Commonwealth Games couldn't be more of a disaster, the organisers have had to investigate the water quality at the event's swimming venue in New Delhi following reports that competitors had fallen ill. And by fallen ill we mean... the shits. Yep, it wasn't just the track athletes who were doing the 100-metres dash. They're just having the standard experience of any Brit abroad. We always get the runs. If they lose their luggage on the flight back and buy a stuffed donkey it would be like every holiday I've had. Swimmers from Australia and England were among those hit by stomach viruses. That's bad luck. Of all the events swimming is the worst one to do if you have the squits. If you're a runner and you crap your pants you can just about get away with it. At the very least you'd run away from the smell. If you're a swimmer you'll leave trail behind you. I bet the synchronised swimmers on the front of today's FT are grateful for those little nose clips they wear.
>Read the source story
Have a listen to the stage version of this post by clicking here

Strictly Come Again

Strictly Come Dancing contestant Peter Shilton says he'll have to up his game if he wants to avoid an early exit on the show. The former England goalkeeper says he'll be well prepared for his salsa because his dance partner Erin Boag's a lot like legendary manager Brian Clough.

What? A drunk northerner with a big red nose. She's not Kim Marsh!

It's not polite to compare a woman to Brian Clough. If that's how footballers talk to women no wonder Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney had to pay for sex.

Peter Shilton was a great keeper so I hope he stays in the TV show. I hope he gets to the stage where he has to catch his partner. His old reflexes will kick in and he'll catch her with style. But the same reflexes will make him take a step forwards and kick her to the half-way line.


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