22/02/2020

[Podcast] Steve N Allen’s Week ep 128 - Fashion, Breakfast and Cheats

In this week’s episode of the Steve N Allen’s Week podcast we talk about...

Steve at London Fashion Week
The London Eye turns 20
What should happen to people who eat in cinemas
The Learner Driver who cheated
Why breakfast may make you slimmer

Have a listen…



And now you can subscribe to the podcast so you never miss it.


Share:

19/02/2020

Hey Alexa! Is This Proof You're Spying On Us

Google Home, Amazon’s Echo and the like are often referred to as internet-enabled speakers, but that’s only half the story. If we called them internet-enabled microphones we’d feel a little creeped out. They are in our homes listening to us all the time.

When I first got one I like it. It was rare to be listened to at home. But now we’re hearing stories about how these things spy on us.

A former Amazon executive, Robert Fredrick, has said he turns the company’s Alexa smart speakers off when he wants to have a ‘private’ moment.

We all assume he means sex. What other private moment would you not want recording? You’re far less likely to shout out the wrong name during a poo.

It must act as an early warning sign for his missus. When she notices him going round unplugging the smart speakers she knows what’s about to happen.

Recently we heard that Amazon admitted it did turn over recordings made by Alexa to contractors to analyse. Those contractors aren’t meant to let humans have a listen and laugh at the rude stuff but you can’t be sure. It’s the same logic that means you didn’t take your saucy photos to be developed in Snappy Snaps.

In an interview with the BBC, Robert said he turns the devices off if he wants to talk about something that he wouldn’t want people listening to. He said, “I don’t want certain conversations to be heard by humans.”

The obvious question is, if he doesn’t want humans to hear it, who is he having that conversation with?

It’s either our alien overlords or is Henry the Hoover needs help.




| 📕 READ (the new book)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up)

Share:

[Podcast] Steve N Allen’s Week ep 127

In this week’s episode of the Steve N Allen’s Week podcast we talk about the man who sat in a barrel at the top of a pole for very little reason, jackets for cyclists, how to date a millennial, the Bond film theme, Boris’s new bridge, the woman who dated a bank robber by mistake, why we should ban the hospital gown and probably much much more.

Have a listen…


And now you can subscribe to the podcast so you never miss it.


Share:

17/02/2020

Coronavirus Masks Are The Fashion For London

You know me, I follow London Fashion Week as much as the next man, as long as the next man is a Northerner who has worn the same outfit for the last twenty years.

Normally there are weird outfits that you know you will never see anyone wearing. Some model will parade along the catwalk in a shredded bin liner with rabbit foot keyrings attached and electrical tape on their nipples and that’s meant to be what everyone will be wearing next year.

OK, if Brexit hits hard maybe people will be wearing bin bags but who is going to bother with the tape? It’ll pull the hairs out when you remove it.

This year that won’t be a problem as some models have been wearing something that you can already see on the High Street. They’re wearing face masks.

Maybe I’m out of touch but I don’t look for the latest trends when I am buying a face mask, I just look for the one that will stop me catching the latest pox. Am I “soooo last season” if mine still says SARS on it and not COVID-19?

It’s like what my parents would say when I had to wear a cagoule, “It doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you’re dry.” They were right. I wasn’t fully dry because of all the tears caused by the bullying I received for wearing that cagoule but at least I didn’t get the rain on me.

A fashion face mask might not be as good as a standard one. Have you seen what fashion has been doing to jeans lately? They used to have a few rips in them when distressed jeans became a thing but now it’s more rip than jean. You see some people looking like they have just narrowly survived a werewolf attack.

You do that to a face mask and you’re catch whatever is going.

Of course, there is every chance that the people at the London Fashion Show aren’t wearing them to look good and maybe it’s because a fashion show brings together people from all over the world so could easily spread viruses but I wouldn’t know. As I said, if it’s not jeans and a shirt I have no idea what fashion is.




| 📕 READ (the new book)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up)

Share:

15/02/2020

A Week In Columns

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire.

Here are a few from this week. Click on the picture if you’d like to read it.

In this week’s Hackney Gazette I look at the trust we have in the police to help us if we are the victim of a crime. Experts say that trust is reducing. I also mention my pant theft.


In the Barking and Dagenham Post I look at the new Government policy to get rid of the polluting petrol and diesel cars. We’ll love the cleaner air but we’ll miss the “broom broom” sounds.


And in the Romford Recorder I talk about the new bridge that could link Scotland and Northern Ireland and challenges it will face. It’ll probably be a toll bridge so I won’t use it anyway.


Keep an eye out in your local paper as you never know when I might be writing something near you.

Share:

18/01/2020

Non-Smokers Do Less Work

I am a non-smoker.

That looks like I'm using this column as a dating profile but I mention my smoke-free status to declare a bias about this news story. A company boss in Swindon has given his non-smoking employees an extra four days of annual leave.

As a non-smoker, I like this. I realise that might make some smokers get angry with me but I think I can outrun them.

Don Bryden runs a training company and he said he noticed some smokers take five breaks a day at around ten minutes each. That's nearly an hour off a day. Just under five hours a week. 240 hours across a 48-week year. It's 30 days, so they're still 24 days up on the deal.

I have had this conversation with smoking colleagues (they were colleagues who smoked, I'm not saying they were sexy) and a lot have said it's an addiction and therefore not their fault.

Someone who can't give up the booze doesn't get to stand outside the front door getting their hip flask out for ten minutes. Gamblers don't have paid FOBT breaks. That argument is a little weak.

One smokers once said if I wanted to go and stand outside the office entrance for no reason I could and therefore it's my fault for not taking the option. No I couldn't. I'd look like a right oddball and besides, it smells of smoke out there.

One colleague said smoking made him more productive. If he had to sit there craving a cigarette he'd get less work done. Well, having an afternoon nap would make me more productive but I'm sure regular kips under my desk would be mentioned in my annual review.

It will be interesting to see how this story pans out. Will it be seen as a form of discrimination? Is it OK to give more days off to some members of staff because of their habits? Does that mean we can dock the pay of slow-walkers? (I would be in favour of that too.) Can we take holiday time away from people who spend ages in the toilets? (I'm against that. Don't ask.)

If your company brings in a rule that benefits the non-smokers you could always quit. The job or the habit, but we live in an age of flexible working where employers get in trouble for preferring staff members who have no distractions from work.

My biggest worry is that it will end with industrial action. If smokers form picket lines, standing outside their place of work instead of being inside doing their jobs, how will we tell the difference?




| 📕 READ (the new book)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up)


Share:

15/01/2020

Flybe Or Not Flybe? That Is The Question

On a cold January day you look at the internet to see what news is happening and read that the airline Flybe has been given an extension on paying a bill so that it can keep operating.

As someone who is currently replacing all joy in life with working on my self-assessment form instead, I am utterly jealous.

I understand the difference. I am not important in keeping the UK connected. Flybe is, but it shouldn’t be. In a country this size it seems strange that we should need to fly left-to-right. We’re tiny. We’re only 300miles across at our widest.

The problem isn’t the airlines, it’s the trains and the roads. It shouldn’t be the case that someone prefers a form of travel that requires turning up two hours early and getting strip searched.

Not only are we a narrow country, we invented the train so we really should have it sorted. The Bullet Trains in Japan go at 199mph. If our trains could manage that we’d be across the UK in an hour and half and you’d get to keep you belt and shoes on all the way.

It’s not just the travel time issue, it is bizarre that you can often fly somewhere for less money than it costs to go by train. Think on that. You’re paying less to be in a machine that burns enough fuel to defy gravity than you’d pay to roll on wheels somewhere.

I saw one newspaper mention a woman who said she splits her time between Cornwall and London and if Flybe goes she won’t be able to. Well, maybe you shouldn’t be able to.

You know that nasty joke you get on text, the one about someone in a poverty stricken country who has to walk 20 miles to the nearest well? And the uncaring punchline is something about telling her to move nearer the well. Surely the same applies here. If you live in Cornwall and work in London you might think about moving one of them because that’s a long way.

Why do you fly that often? Sitting on that plane, reading your free newspaper about how we have had the hottest year on record and Australia is being used by Peter Jackson to film a blockbuster version of Dante's Inferno because it’ll save money on the special effects, do you wonder about getting a job nearer home?

So, is it a good thing that Flybe is still flying? I don’t know. It’s still up in the air.




| 📕READ (the new book) |
| 🎧LISTEN (to the latest podcast) |
| 👀SEE (Steve's live stand-up)|

Share:

11/01/2020

Gwyneth Paltrow's Bits Smell Like a Candle

I always love a story about the kind of wares on sale via Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop website. Before Christmas we saw you could buy some restraints and tree house which is idea for any kidnappers with too much money.

The latest item to hit the headlines is a candle. That doesn't seem too "out there" until you hear that the USP of this scented candle is that it is designed to small like vagina.

Why would you want that? In fact, I'd be more likely to get a scented candle out stop a room smelling like vagina.

If you're that desperate to make your room have the odour of ladyparts just leave some processed ham out of the fridge, it would do the same and cost you less than the £57 this Wankee Candle will set you back.

To be fair, it's not the smell of just any old growler. Your money gets you a candle entitled "This Smells Like My Vagina". It's parfum de Gwyneth. I don't think she should make things that smell like her actual bits. Some criminal could get it and use it to pretend to be her and sneak past her guard dogs when it's dark.

The Goop website describes the smell as, "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected". I'm not sure I'd want anyone to know if the smell of my bits could be described as "unexpected". You never want to hear a sniff followed by a surprised, Oh!"

If you'd like to get your hands on to buy Gwyneth fandle, you can't. They are currently sold out. But if ever there was something you could make at home for much, much cheaper…

And if you're interested in a candle that smells of arse I have some Edam cheese going spare.

⮱Read the source story




📕READ (the new book) | 🎧LISTEN (to the latest podcast) | 👀SEE (Steve's live stand-up)
Share:

08/01/2020

Uri Geller Is A Weirdo For Cummings

Are you a weirdo? I think I can ask that now because it’s probably not an insult any more.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s top senior adviser, Dominic Cummings, posted a job advert online asking for “assorted weirdos” to apply to work at Number 10. One quick look at the kind of people they have in there and you feel like shouting, “Mission already accomplished!”

He wasn’t using the term as a pejorative, it was almost used as a compliment. It has the feel of an attempt to reclaim the word like so many groups have done with their insults. It might become known as the W-word. If that is the case it should be a word that only a weirdo could actually use.

*Looks at Dominic Cummings* *Realises that checks out so far*

So what could go wrong when you ask for assorted odd-bods to apply for a job? Well, one has. Uri Geller has said he has put himself forward for the position. You may remember Uri from several spoon attacks back in the 80s. He believes that mystical powers have gifted him with the ability to **** up your cutlery without even touching them.

He says he wants the job because no other candidate would possess his powers. True. Most civil servants would have to use their hands to ruin items in your kitchen.

He can’t need the money. He is in his 70s so would normally be retired. And the job is that of civil servant, so it’s a pen pusher. Unless he wants to try to push those pens simply using the power of his mind.

We have seen the covering letter that Uri sent. He wrote, “Dear Dom,” at the top, which is a nice touch on a job application if you are trying to make people think you’re weird. Clever.

“While many have doubted my abilities, my achievements cannot be dismissed as trickery or illusions,” said the famous TV illusionist.

He added: “In my intelligence work I assisted with Operation Desert Storm, helped to locate secret tunnels in North Korea, and used my skills to erase crucial diplomatic discs on their way to Moscow.”

He can erase computer files with his mind?! Now that is a power I’d like.

“What’s that, darling. You need to log onto my laptop? Sure, just let me stare at it till the vein comes up on my forehead... Done!”

Uri Geller recently said he had used his powers to help Boris Johnson win last year’s election by giving his aides a spoon enthused with positive energy. It clearly worked but we don’t know by how much. Who helped Boris win more? Uri? Dominic Cummings? Jeremy Corbyn?

He said he could help by using his powers during the Brexit negotiations. You can bend spoons, you should be using your powers to stop heroin users.

Before they sign him up they should remember that previously Uri said he would use his special abilities to stop Brexit happening. Remind us Uri, how did that work out for you?

⮱Read the source story



Further listening: Here’s a radio interview I did with Uri Geller about his plan to use his mind powers in politics.



chirb.it/IB3yhn

After recording, I arrived home to find all of my spoons were melted into the shape of a hand giving a middle-finger. I am sure it is a coincidence.

Share:

Podcast

Get the FREE SomeNews email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Blog Archive