29/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep7

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this one we look at UFOs, Boris Johnson's return and celeb cocktail making.

Here's episode 7.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep6

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this one we look at lockdown sports, the latest on a cure for Covid-19 and flattening the curve explained.

Here's episode 6.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
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24/04/2020

Trump To Detergent Coronavirus

Donald Trump has done it again. He is so often right that it should come as no surprise that he has done it again.

In a White House briefing he suggested we do some research into whether detergent could be used as a treatment for Covid-19, by injecting it or using it to clean the lungs.

A little bit of research shows that he’s right. Bleach will kill the virus. Sadly it will also kill other thing, like the people who have bleach injected into them. That means that bleach could be used to get rid of the virus if you’re OK with getting rid of the person too. It won’t help your death rate graph but it will flatten that infection rate curve.

By the same logic we should look into arsenic, strychnine and anthrax being potential ways to kill the virus.

He also said we should see if UV light could be used to kill this coronavirus. Again, he’s right, if we’re talking about being a vampire instead of coronavirus. They are easily confused; they both involve staying indoors all day.

As much as it’s funny that the most powerful person in the world has said this, it’s a worry that some Trump supporters will follow this advice. When it was hydroxychloroquine, people took it, risked some complications, but it wasn’t too bad. It was also harder to get hydroxychloroquine. Everyone has bleach at home, so it is a worry that people will try it.

Some will cruelly call this natural selection in action, but don’t be so smug. If Trump causes a rush on bleach, how am I going to buy mine to clean the loo? I had enough on when I couldn’t get loo roll. What is it about this pandemic that seems to be attacking our bathrooms?

I shouldn’t have to point it out but don’t drink bleach. And to be fair, Trump wasn’t saying we should drink it. He wasn’t even saying we should use it externally. He would never put bleach on his skin and ruin that perfect fake tan. And if he does, getting some of that UV cure could help. See, I knew he’d make sense.

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[Video]: Here's some video content about coronavirus cures




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[Columns] Oh Idris, You Don't Get Out Much

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.

In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I look at Idris Elba's advice for remembering what have been through. Somehow I think I'll just remember it, or leave myself a Post It note, but each to their own.

Click to have a read.




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22/04/2020

[Columns] Staying In

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one, from a newspaper in Wiltshire, I look at the kind of people who don't stay in like they should.

Click to have a read.




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21/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep5

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this one we look at what the 19 means in Covid-19, why Trump has a bigger fear of malaria, and Idris's great plan to ruin the economy every year for a week.

Here's episode 5.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
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The Traffic Light System - Our Way Out Of Lockdown

At the moment, no one knows when the lockdown will end. That is part of what makes it so hard. Not knowing is always a challenge. For some of us. There are some people who seem to take not knowing things to an extreme level, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today.

Right now it is important to remember that, while we don’t know when it will end, we know that it will end at some point. These rules won’t stay in place for the rest of civilisation. We can’t go within two metres of people we don’t live with. If that rule stayed in place we’d stop reproducing within a generation. Yes, webcam sales would go through the roof, but we won’t be repopulating the planet.

In the UK, the Government has released some details on how the end of the lockdown could go. A phased release of the rules to get us back to normal.

They have introduced a traffic light system of red, amber and green. But these things never actually go by the traffic light rules. We won’t have red and amber at the same time telling us we can get ready to go. Amber won’t flash. They don’t think these things through.

RED PHASE

First up, “Red Phase”. I think it’s called that because of the Red Room in Fifty Shades. You’re allowed to do some things in there but there’s a very high chance you’ll be punished still.

In it we will see schools and hairdressers reopen. It’s a shame about the hairdressers. I’ve been enjoying all the tweets by people who are in desperate need of a trim. I was hoping that by the time the lockdown is removed people would walk out of their homes like the end of a 1970s sci-fi film.

The details say that in this stage the public will still be urged to avoid non-essential travel. That’s actually a good rule for life. If you don’t need to be anywhere else don’t go. That way you spend less time travelling and don’t end up where you don’t need to be.

AMBER PHASE

Then we move onto “Amber Phase”. That sounds like a woman in a Scissor Sisters tribute band.

In this phase companies with fewer than 50 staff can reopen. This is the first problem. After the big companies have laid people off they’re probably down to this classification now, and it also mean, if you work for a company with 51 staff. Ooooh, bye bye.

It says, “Restaurants will be allowed to take customers while taking action to limit person-to-person contact.” I presume that means they have to serve everything with onions and garlic.

During this stage, people on public transport will be told to wear masks. I think that’s right. I don’t know if masks help stem the transmission of the virus, but you look at some people on public transport and think, “Christ! Cover that face!”

GREEN PHASE

Ah, finally, we will get to the “Green Phase”.

Gyms will reopen, which means people can stop running like they have been every day and go back to being less fit in the gym.

Pubs will open too, and maybe the stand-up comedy world will come back to life and I can spend less time writing on here. See, we all win.

They say the pubs will have some restrictions but they don’t specify them. I’m hoping it will be based around keeping people apart at the bar. Maybe a queuing system. Yes, coronavirus has caused massive upset, but if it ends the system of people crushing to the bar and someone getting served before me, at least it has some positives

➡Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus




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[VIDEO] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems

During the lockdown we're doing live streaming shows. Seeing as we're not allowed near audiences we're using the Internet. Twice a week we're broadcasting live into your homes from our homes. Tune in Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9pm BST.


During the shows you can tweet @mrstevenallen and @erichmcelroy

You can see the shows streaming on various streaming sites.
YouTube
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Periscope
Twitter
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DLive
Mixer
Smashcast
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And if you have enjoyed the content, maybe think about leaving a tip and buying a coffee for our efforts. Donate here.


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20/04/2020

Prince Philip Speaks To Corona Workers

Prince Philip has praised the key workers helping to fight the coronavirus. That is a sentiment that you have to agree with. These people are working so hard to save lives. Surely no one could sit around and rib the Prince for what he said.

Well, you’d think that, but I do have a lot of spare time on my hands.

It’s nice that he sent a message to the NHS workers, but he doesn’t need them. He must get the finest care available from the top private people. That’s like some royals Zoom messaging some state schools. *Remembers that exactly what William and Kate did last week*

They’re mocking us. It’s like posh people talking about how much they love going to Aldi for the wines.

The prince praised the "vital and urgent work" being done by key workers. And I imagine he added that he was sorry he couldn’t be there in person to add some racially dodgy comments to the nurses himself. It’s not the same if he doesn’t. It’s like booking Rod Hull and him turning up without the emu.

If Philip wants to make some dodgy comments he should act quickly. When these people are wearing the correct PPE, with the masks and eye protection getting in the way, it’ll be hard to work out what thing you shouldn’t say. That PPE could arrive at any minute, so now is the best time for him.

The thin, white Duke wrote the message to mark World Immunisation Week.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that was a week. For me, every week is an immunisation week. Normally I would be in favour of anything that rubs it in the face of the anti-vaxxers but I have started to feel a little sorry for them. They have been oddly quiet. With experts rushing to find a vaccine for this coronavirus it is a bad time to be talking about how you don’t like vaccines.

The Flat Earthers can believe what they want and no one dies from falling off the Earth, but being an anti-vaxxer during a pandemic is tricky. I suppose it is a akin to living during a famine but being the kind of person who goes on about the 5:2 diet.

Philip is currently following self-isolating and social distancing guidelines along with the Queen at Windsor Castle. I have never lived in a castle but it must be hard to not self-isolate. You could get lost in a wing and avoid humans for days. When you live in a one-bed flat, it’s more of a challenge.

So, he took time while sitting around at home to publish a message about the current situation. That’s basically what I’m doing with all the podcasts and videos I’m producing.

The only difference is, people actually care what he has to say. So yeah, turns out I can’t really mock him for it.

➡Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus




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[Columns] Strictly Come Coronavirus Dancing

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we look at new of how Strictly Come Dancing is following in The Mash Report's footsteps and finding a way to film. Click to have a read.

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18/04/2020

Should We Wear Face Masks At Work?

Should we wear a mask or not? This is becoming the coronavirus-related issue I struggle with the most.

What I liked about the Covid-19 pandemic – and you have to go some to find the bits you like about a pandemic – was that we had put our trust in the experts again. After Brexit had made us thumb our noses at anyone foolish enough to actually do the learning, there was nothing like the imminent fear of death to make us like experts again.

We trusted the profs. Boris trusted them. Boris stood within two metres of them to do some press conferences.

On the issue of masks, the experts told us we didn’t need them. They said that they weren’t proven and that they didn’t filter out things as small as a pesky little RNA-filled bag of protein like Covid-19 so what would be the point?

I believed them because they were the experts. For a small second I thought to myself, “Isn’t Covid-19 spread in aerosols of breathed out spittle, so the issue should be the diameter of those rather than the size of a virus? But whatever man, they’re the ones with the qualifications.”

Then the news told us that countries that had forced their people to wear masks out of the house were doing better than us with lower transmission and death rates. Now our papers are telling us we may have to wear masks when we go back to work.

That is going to be quite a culture shock. After three weeks of lockdown I am not sure I’ll get used to wearing trousers again, let alone wearing something new.

Yes, having the lower part of your face covered will make it easier to pretend to be interested in meetings. And yes, making everyone wear a mask will spare us from the Darren from Accounts and his wicked bad breath. But there are downsides too.

Anyone who reads lips will take this personally.

Remember, if we have to wear face masks, the key is to wear them on our faces. I see so many people with the mask pulled down around their chins because they’re talking on the phone. Wearing a face mask on your chin is like wearing a condom on your balls.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus




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17/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep4

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this one we look at some news from America that probably should be copied in the UK, another side-effect of COVID19 and the things you can get away with now that no one's looking.

Here's episode 4.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
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[Columns] Coronavirus Conspiracy Types Are Here

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we look at some of the conspiracy types. Click to have a read.

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16/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep3

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

Stay in and watch this, because staying in is saving lives, and therefore this show is saving lives. Don't overthink that logic.

Here's episode 3.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help.
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[Podcast] Corona Special 3 - CARE Badges and Online Shopping

SomeNews podcast
It's the Steve N Allen's Week Podcast (with Steve N Allen), helping us through the lockdown. You can get the last episodes here.

In this podcast:

We look at how hard shopping is, be it in person in a queue or online where you're putting people at risk. We hear about the new CARE badges in the UK and some of the nonsense coming out of America.

We also catch up with publisher and former politics worker Ben Fletcher about how to feel better in the lockdown.

And if you're enjoying the content, think about leaving a tip. You can donate a coffee here.






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15/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep2

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

It's Steve N Allen and Erich McElroy, online, and here's the second episode...


If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help.
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[Podcast] The Full Chat with Jonny Gould

SomeNews podcast
It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). This is kind of episode 2.5. In the last episode (click here to get a copy of that) I had a conversation with broadcaster Jonny Gould about life in lockdown but we couldn't fit that much of it in the main pod. This is a podcast extra bit where we can play the full interview. Enjoy




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[Columns] Has Coronavirus Taken Your Sense of Smell

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we find the upside in one of the effects of getting it. Click to have a read.

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11/04/2020

[Columns] What Is Essential Shopping During Coronavirus Times

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we defend the shoppers who are doing nothing wrong. Click to have a read.

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10/04/2020

[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep1

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

It's Steve N Allen and Erich McElroy, Thursday evenings, and here's the first episode...

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Are UK Police Overstepping The Coronavirus Rules?

Are the police going too far in their actions to enforce the lockdown?

Even in the face of all the news stories about those overstepping the mark, mathematically the answer is no. The vast majority of the police will be working with the new rules very well. The shame is you only hear about the times when people have something to complain about.

People love complaining about the rules under which we are living. Conservative MP Jack Lopresti has said it's wrong that churches remain closed when off licences are open. To be fair, you don't spend as long in an off licence as you do a church, and while you can get wine and a wafer in both, the ones you get from the off licence are sealed and you don't share them with others.

We have to understand that the rules need to be policed but the police need to keep us onside.

Northamptonshire Police chief constable Nick Adderley had said his force was "only a few days away" from "marshalling supermarkets and checking the items in baskets and trolleys to see whether it's a legitimate, necessary item".

He's taken that back now, and I have some sympathy. I love having a look in people's baskets but only to judge then, not fine them. I very much enjoyed the panic buying days where you'd see people buying 3 litres of milk and 24 toilet rolls and you'd think, "If you're lactose intolerant just buy almond milk."

Why are some police thinking it's OK to check our shopping? Who's to say what is essential? We can all survive without vodka and biscuits but they're the main way many of us are getting through this lockdown.

The police should be careful about their image. If people start to think, "Ah, so now there are fewer speeding fines raising money they're fining people for leaving the house," the nation will start to resent the rules that are in place to save us.

We have also seen an increase in police stopping people to ask about their reasons to be out of the house. This may be the best part of it, because it has upset the kind of people who have spent years talking about the unfairness of stop and search saying, "If you're not doing anything wrong why would you mind being stopped," and now they don't like having to answer to the police. At least some good is coming out of this.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus




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09/04/2020

[Podcast] Corona Special 2 - Conspiracies, Bats and Royals

SomeNews podcast
It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 2. (If you missed the last episode you can get it here)

In this podcast:

The coronavirus continues and maybe a podcast can help. In this week’s episode we look at the conspiracy theories and fake news being spread on the internet, we ask, “What can we learn from bats about how to cope with it and does sleeping upside down help?” and coronavirus on the ISS?

We also catch up with broadcast legend Jonny Gould about how to home-school.





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08/04/2020

Recent Podcast Update - Plank, Pull Back & Dicks

Finding ways to pass the time in lockdown can be a challenge. There's only so much cleaning a person can do and I found that personally that amount is very little.

Some people sit and watch Netflix. The problem with that is after a few episodes it asks, "Are you still watching?" The judgemental tone can upset your day.

So I have been passing the time by being on a selection of podcasts. You can listen to them here.

🠞 Plank of the Week

I was a guest on Mike Graham's Plank of the Week podcast. Along with fellow guest Emily Carver we look at some of the biggest fools in the last 7 days from an annoying journalist to a sex-partying footballer via every idiot who went sunbathing.


Find it on Tune In or Player.fm

🠞 Pull Back Reveal

In this podcast there are interviews with comedians, normally about the comedy industry and how you got in it. Seeing as things are all tainted by the virus this episode talks about how coronavirus will impact those of us who used to make a living telling jokes to people.


Find it on Tune In or Player.fm

🠞 Desert Island Dicks

I was a guest on Desert Island Dicks. It was recorded just before the lockdown, so I actually went into a studio to record this. But back then we had just started to get used to a world without handshakes. In this podcast I think of the people and things I really wouldn't want to be trapped on a dessert island with. Not that we can fly anywhere these days.


Find it on Tune In or Player.fm

🠞 What Have We Learnt?

Back from before the plague, I was in this episode of What Have We Learnt? It's a podcast that interviews people about the lessons they have picked up from getting to where they are in their career. In it I talk about performing at the Edinburgh Festival, working on satire and performing on radio too.


Find it on Tune In

🠞 My SomeNews Podcast

And, of course, there's my SomeNews podcast that has been brought back to help us all deal with the extra time stuck at home. If you'd like some entertainment get your ears over here.


Find it on Tune In or Player.fm


You can find more podcasts in the podcast section of this site and on the Twitter hashtag #SNApods.

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04/04/2020

At Home With Steve - Corona Updates

As part of a new feature for radio, I have been recording audio diary updates around the house each day during the lockdown.

You can hear then below.

Day 1



Day 2



Day 3



Day 4





Day 8



Day 9



Day 10



Day 11




There will be more in the future. To get them follow @mrstevenallen on Twitter.

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12 Reasons You Can Leave Your House Under Lockdown

I'll never forget where I was when I heard the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson tell the nation we were under lockdown because of coronavirus. I was sat right here. I haven't moved since.

We had been previously told about social distancing, washing hands, not going out and self-isolating and it wasn't enough so Boris came into our homes. Thankfully via the TV because, as it turned out, he was infected with it.

He told us the four reasons you could leave you home but when greater detail was publish there are 12 reasons you can leave them home, so I thought we'd take a look.

1 - Shopping for basic necessities, for example food and medicine, which must be as infrequent as possible.

We haven't been given clarity on what counts as a necessity. If we use the same criteria as Waitrose's Essentials Range it includes things like lardons and ratatouille provencale. How frequently do we need those? I've made it to this age without buying them once yet, so the data is still pending.

2 - One form of exercise per day, for example a run, walk or cycle – alone or with members of your household.

Surely no one is doing that. If you're spending 23 and a half hours a day in the same house as someone and they say, "You going on a run? I'll come with you," they're trying to push you over the edge.

3 - Any medical need, including to donate blood.

Again, it could be a good way to get some time to yourself. You may not have been a blood donor before but if it gets you some alone time and biscuits it's like best day out available at the moment.

4 - To avoid or escape risk of injury or harm.

That one makes sense. It wasn't on the original list of four but if you were stood there as your house was falling down shouting, "No, I can't go out, I've already done one jog today," you'd be silly.

5 - To provide care or help to a vulnerable person.

I'd imagine that's not only for those who have to look after a relative. If you open your door, see someone has just been hit by a car, you don't point at the door frame and shrug your shoulders at them while mouthing the word, "Sorry!"

6 - Travelling for work purposes, but only where you cannot work from home.

Yes, there are some jobs that you can't do at home. People always list things like baristas, but I'm not sure about that one. Surely you could make a coffee at home. Come on, try harder.

7 - To move children under 18 between parents’ home if they do not live together.

The parents may have lived together at the start of this lockdown, but as time goes on there'll be an exponential graph somewhere that shows you how many break-ups there have been.

8 - Key workers and parents of vulnerable children can leave to take children to and from school or to their childcare provider.

Of course. That makes sense. When we heard the schools were shutting we knew they were still open for some children. How were they supposed to get there when the lockdown came in? Tunnel?

9 - To move house, but only if it’s unavoidable.

Oooh, loophole. If you want to go to see friends just buy their house off them. They can't touch you for it.

10 - To attend a funeral, but only when it’s a member of your household or a close family member. If the deceased doesn’t have any family attending, you can attend as a friend.

Also a possibly loophole but it would involve you killing someone off just to get to see then and maybe that would lead to an even bigger fine, I haven't looked into it.

11 - To attend critical public services – such as social services, support for victims, support provided by the Department for Work and Pensions.

That one feels very specific, almost like it was added by Thérèse Coffey in case she needs to pop out for some reason.

12 - To fulfil legal obligations when physical attendance is absolutely necessary.

So if you want more than one trip out a day, go and get yourself some community service.


And that's the full list that was published. After reading all that I think I'll stay in and have a nice sit down.


➡⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus




 | πŸ“• READ (the ebook)
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02/04/2020

[Podcast] Corona Special 1 - Experts, Fools and Trump

SomeNews podcast
It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 1.

In this podcast:

Obviously it’s corona news because that’s pretty much all the news. We break it down with a look at our hopes for April Fool’s Day, experts give advice and answer your questions, Trump is doing something well and we’re joined by Mark Machado because I needed to talk to another human.





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