[Radio Podcast] Paltrow v Martin & Celebrity Rhyming Slang

Today's show looked at the break-up between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin and how that makes us remember our exes. We handled the clocks changing and we came up with new Celebrity Rhyming Slang.

There's also material that wasn't in the broadcast show where we heard of a man who made love to a Gregg's pasty. See the tweet that started that here.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 30th March 2014.)



Download the mp3 or ogg.

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Equal Wedding Day

Today's the day when the first equal marriages have taken place in the UK. It's a step forward for our society, a good day, and totally worth all that flooding we had.

Even Prime Minister David Cameron is on board, saying "The introduction of same-sex civil marriage says something about the sort of country we are. It clearly says 'you are equal' whether straight or gay." Yes! Unless you're a woman, when you probably don't earn what men doing your job do, but hey, one thing at a time.

Equal marriage laws have been passed in some states of America too and it shows that society has reached a point of enlightenment. Well, some of it has. You still get the odd person who makes the point, "Hey, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." And as a person called Steve I am sick of being discriminated against. Steve's are people too, and we also like apples.

Among the first couples set to take advantage of the legalisation were actor Andrew Wale, who said: "It's kind of extraordinary. We did not really expect it to happen so suddenly, so soon." I know. Thousands of years of not being able to marry just flies by when you have all the organising to do.

But as people enjoyed the day the BBC came out with a survey that said, "20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding". I have to be honest, I belong to that 20%. I also would refuse to attend a straight wedding. That headline doesn't mean there's ground swell of protest against equal marriage it just means other people's weddings are terrible. You have to buy a gift for two people who have been living together for years and already have everything they want. You end up buying them something fancy like a coffee maker. I don't have a coffee maker!

You spend the day trying to relax in a suit. A suit! How can you enjoy yourself when you're dressed exactly as you did during your last court appearance?

You only know the main couple but spend most of your time stuck with other family members they felt obliged to invite. By the end of their big day you have spent more time with the bride's great aunt than she has since she was 12.

So yes, I am saying I hate weddings, but on today, Saturday 29th March 2014, I am saying I hate all weddings "equally". Now that's progress.

>Read the source story

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Comedy Podcast 57 - Crimea, P Diddy and North Korean Hair

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 57.

In this podcast:

UK Traffic (starts 01:01)
Crimea Update (starts 02:12)
Puff Daddy (starts 06:04)
Smart Goats (starts 07:23)
North Korean Hair (starts 08:45)

New stats came out saying that London's traffic is getting worse. We get the latest on Crimea. Puff Daddy stops being called P Diddy. Everyone in North Korea gets the same hair do.




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[Radio Podcast] The Self-Google & #ClaimToFame

On this show we looked at the story of a man who Googled himself only to find out he was a criminal. So we Googled listeners to make sure they were safe. And we were asking for people's claims to fame after I got a tweet printed in the Daily Star on Sunday.

And with Larry's Ents news it all made something that resembled a radio show. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen, and there's some additional material at the end that wasn't in the live show. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 23rd March 2014.)



Download the mp3, or ogg.

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Guest Spot on The Land of Rhod

A few days ago I was a guest on an Internet radio station, on a show called The Land of Rhod, hosted by Rhodders.

In the show we covered a mother who was photographed breastfeeding in public and suffered the fall out, the cost of pagers in our government and we also covered the news of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

To listen to the show check out the Land of Rhod website.

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Swimming In Beer

I saw a headline in the newspaper that read: "Punters offered the chance to SWIM in beer."

And I thought, "Wow. They've invented shrinking technology to make a human just a few inches tall. That's amazing!"

I was wrong and after what I'd imagined whatever was in the actual story would feel like a let down.

The Schloss Starkenberger brewery in Austria has turned its underground vaults into baths of beer. As you enter all you can see are these large polls of beer. It's like most town centres on a Friday night.

The seven 13-foot long pools are open for visitors to immerse themselves in warm beer while trying not to see the whole thing as a metaphor for what's going wrong in their lives. Swimming in beer is said to have amazing health benefits, which makes you wonder just how healthy the inside of Keith Richards must be.

Apparently swimming in warm beer can improve your circulation and the yeast in the beer pool is good for your skin. That seems odd as I've known a few people go to some lengths to get rid of yeast from their skin, but I'm not a doctor.

The experience comes with a warning that you can't drink from the pools. I assume that is for health and safety reasons. Or they are worried Gazza will go for a swim and empty the pool. Of course you can't drink it, it's like a swimming pool. I hope there's a small footbath of beer on the way in to get verucas drunk.

The best thing about the existence of this attraction is that you have the perfect excuse for why you get home and you smell of alcohol. "No darling, I wasn't drinking. I was just trying to work on my complexion."

>Read the source story

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Spoon Crime

Tesco is in the news for refusing to sell teaspoons to a teenager because he is too young. 16-year-old Liam Whelan was told he needed to be 18 to buy them.

A lot of people have said it was a ridiculous overreaction but I'm here to say it's not.

Spoon crime is a serious issue in the UK and it's getting worse. Some people walk the streets tooled up with a spoon. And that means that others don't feel safe unless they have a spoon on them too.

Now, you can tell these people that if you carry a spoon you're statistically more likely to be injured by that spoon, but they don't care. It's in their culture now. It's a spoon culture.

That's why I think we need more restrictions on buying spoons, not fewer. I know some people say, "Spoons don't kill people, people do." That's only half right.

You also hear, "The one thing that stops a bad man with a spoon is a good man with a spoon." But that just escalates the problem. Soon everyone will have tea spoon in their purse or a table spoon in their home. The next thing you know people are carrying ladles.

People say to me, "Steve, do you really believe on a ban on spoons?"

And I say, "Does it look like I'm just trying to stir things?"

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Strange Sights & Prince Charles

This week we were all about the kind of odd things you see when you're out and about, and Prince Chalres said he couldn't understand Scottish people. Larry has his entertainment news on a celebrity wedding. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 16th March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Why Babies Laugh

Scientists have been trying to find out why babies laugh. Odd that this issue is higher up their To Do list than "cure cancer" and "sort out world hunger" but whatever.

Dr Caspar Addyman, a researcher at Birkbeck University's Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development is conducting one of the largest ever studies into what makes babies laugh and more importantly why?

To be fair, if every time I had a meal someone had to get their boobies out I'd be laughing like a drain most of the time too. And if you can just shit and then lie back while someone else deals with it, you'd raise a chuckle.

In general, the life of a baby is so sweet of course it laughs. They don't have to work, worry about food, worry about bills, if they need a wee they just wee, and if they wake up the very people they depend on in the middle of the night and chuck up sick all over them those people still love them. And if anyone tries to put that baby in the corner Patrick Swayze turns up to have a word.

Dr Caspar said: "Understand babies also helps us understand adults." Hmm, deep. Yes it does, but another way to understand adults is to ask them, so they can answer in words, instead of spending thousands setting up lab tests, but you're the doctor, Dr.

Dr Addyman said: "The big surprise has been that, contrary to general perception, laughter is present from a very early age."

I'll tell you what's surprising about that, it's not that babies laugh, it's that when I laugh at something I find funny someone will say, "Oh grow up, Steve!" But no one says it too the 5-week-old when they laugh, and that's all the 5-week-old has to do.

>Read the source story

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SomeNews Live In Brighton (In The Afternoon) [Ended]

The show has past now, shame you missed it. Find out when the next live show is in the Live Gig section.

---

Mr Steve N Allen brings The SomeNews Live Show to Brighton as part of the Brighton Fringe.  The topical comedy show that's packed with stand-up, jokes, sketches and often loads more.  It's your chance to see Steve's take on the news in the show that's toured the comedy festivals in the UK.

Throughout May the one-man show is on in the afternoon at the Hobgoblin (details below) and you can book your tickets now.


Venue: The Hobgoblin, 31 York Place Brighton BN1 4GU
Price: £4
Show Time: 4:15pm
Dates:
  Sat: 3rd, 10th, 17th & 24th 
  Sun: 4th, 11th, 18th & 25th

On the 10th, 17th and 24th the show will be hosted be a special guest comedian in place of Steve.

---

The SomeNews show has been toured round many comedy festivals including Edinburgh, Leicester, Nottingham and Manchester. Here's what the reviewers had to say:

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review

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Cheryl Cole & Simon Cowell Fight For Louis

The Sun's front page tells us: "Cheryl and Si battle over Louis"

And you think, "Aw, that's sad. Well, maybe Cheryl should get custody and Simon can take him to the zoo on the weekends."

It turns out the issue is that they don't agree on whether Louis Walsh should still be on the show. Simon is keen on keeping Louis on the show, probably because of his years of experience but more probably because Louis has some photos somewhere just in case.

Meanwhile Cheryl has said: "I would prefer another woman." Which kind of makes Louis the perfect compromise, but they don't see it that way.

It's a tricky issue to resolve as Simon had previously said: "When Cheryl came back we decided we'd agree together. I'm not going to put someone beside her who she hates." Bad news for Lilly Allen. And most toilet attendants.

So it looks like the next series of X Factor might not feature Louis Walse. Oh well, he'll just have to go back to... erm, well he can do his other work of... erm... what age can you get the state pension now?

>Read the source story

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Elephants Can Hear Ethnicity In Our Voices

Good news: Wild elephants can recognise the gender and ethnicity of human voices.

Thank god for that because for a while back there I was worried that these elephants just thought we all were alike, like the massive grey racists they are. I know elephants are famous for never forgetting, which is a trait shared by the kind of people who go to international football games shouting, "Two World Wars and one World Cup!" And these days you hear about nice elephants who enjoy painting. Well so did Hitler.

But I got to thinking, elephants aren't racist because they think we all look alike, they're racist because they don't. They can discriminate between us, and that's, like, discrimination. (You can see I put a lot of thought into this one.)

The study conducted by researchers at the University of Sussex (where there are lots of wild elephants?) found the elephants demonstrated more fear when they heard the voices of adult Maasai men, compared to Kamba men.

Ooooh, that does seem bad. Just because you hear a gang of Maasia men doesn't mean they're up to no good. OK, like, one Maasia man you met once may have been aggressive but you can't just think that they're all like that. Come on elephants, it's 2014.

The scientists used voice recordings of Maasai men, who on occasion come into conflict with elephants, and Kamba men, who are less of a threat to the animals. The recordings contained the same phrase in two different languages: "Look over there. A group of elephants is coming."

Clever that they used the same phrase in both languages, because otherwise you'd be forced to conclude not only that elephant can talk but they understand more languages than most people in the UK.

The elephants reacted more defensively to the Maasai language, but when they were played recordings of the same Maasai phrase spoken by women they were less troubled.

So the elephants can discriminate based on ethnicity AND gender. This is why elephants are never put in charge of recruitment, HR would have a field day with them.

>Read the source story

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A Fat Chance Of Dating

A survey has found just how shallow we Brits are. Most of us would rather date someone they have nothing in common with as long as they're thin. And let's be honest, if they're thin, they already don't have that in common with me.

Some 75% would never date an obese person. But with rising obesity levels in the UK the future will be a world where 75% of us are all trying to date the same small pool of skinny people. We'll all be trying to take them out for dinner, which is only going to make the situation worse.

So, 75% wouldn't date an obese person, but the same survey says more than two thirds of people consider themselves overweight. That means on average 50% wouldn't want to have sex with themselves. And seeing as the few skinny people are likely to be taken, it's what we'll probably have to do.

This survey kind of makes it look like the future of mankind is bleak, and that we'll all die out like pandas (they don't want to bang anything that's too cuddly either). But it's OK. The survey only says that 75% don't want to date someone who's obese. As anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship will tell you, they don't start out like that. But soon enough, soon enough...

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Bets & Bond Recruitment

This week on the show we looked at the story of a man who lost his name in a bet, the way MI5 is looking for spies, Larry tells us about Brian Ferry's new divorce and this podcast also includes a topic we didn't do in the show, "things you have had stuck in your body". We didn't put that one in the actual show. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 9th March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

Read More

Fortune Cookie Wins Lottery

When good news stories go bad: A 75-year-old woman from New York won $2 million in the lottery after playing the numbers found in her fortune cookie.

That's good news for Emma Duvoll, she could now buy 1.2 million things from Poundland at current rates. However, I can't help thinking this is bad news for the rest of us. Now, whenever you get sat next to some crystal-loving "spiritual" sort at a dinner party they'll think this proves them right.


Those conversations always go the same way.

"Well, I think there's something out there."

Yeah, and I wish it was you, but you're not, you're right here.

"And I just think there are some things that science doesn't know."

Yep, true. That doesn't mean any old crap you come up with should be considered right though. Just because the Higgs Boson is a new thing doesn't mean your "feeling" about things should be believed.

"I mean, how did that fortune cookie know what numbers to give her?"

I didn't. It was just random numbers that just happened to come up in the lottery.

"Oh come on. You expect me to believe that the fortune cookie just happened to pick the numbers that would come up in the lottery? I mean, what are the chances of that?"

The same f***ing chances of any numbers winning the lottery. And that happens most weeks.


And that's what this story will do, give ammo to people who think one anecdotal story trumps statistical evidence. I always think it's a shame that we have to listen to science deniers prattling on at dinner parties but the science community can't ban then from using our shit. "What's that, you're having a heart attack? It says on your medical records that you think crystals have special heeling properties, so here's some quartz. Good luck!"

I say the news story is bad for us and good for the 75-year-old, but actually, it might be bad for her too. Later in the article it says:

"She plans to invest her winnings and may splurge on a trip to Switzerland to see relatives."

A pensioner, who has come into money, goes to Switzerland. Hmm, this is actually only good news for anyone in her will.

>Read the source story

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Justin Bieber's Tattoo Mug Shots

Poor old Justin Bieber (he says, even though he knows Justin is neither of those two things). He is still suffering the fall out of his recent brush with the law. A while back he was caught racing a sports car, which seems odd. When he's meant to stick to the speed limit he's zooming around and yet when he's two hours late to a concert at the O2 you can't rush the guy.

There was a video of Justin trying to pass a sobriety test by walking a straight line. I don't know if he couldn't walk straight because of the drink and drugs or maybe just the way he wears his jeans, it's hard to tell. I don't understand the lowness of the jeans, it must make it hard to run. And you have to remember, I was young in the 70s, and back then we had to be able to run. You know what our TV star used to be like.

But now more police photos have come out. The Miami Police Department has released the photos they took of Bieb's tattoos. Police photograph the tattoos of people they arrest for identification purposes. Do you really need to in this case?

COP 1: Any distinguishing marks on this guy we're looking for?
COP 2: Well, he has an intricate sleeve tattoo on one arm, a musical note tattoo behind one eat and writing on his shoulder.
COP 1: OK. Anything else that could help us identify him?
COP 2: Oh yeah, he's Justin Bieber.

Surely it'd be easier to just look at Bieber's face and see that it's Bieber than try to work out who he is from his tattoos. His tatts will be hard to see as they're under his clothes. Well, unless he has a tramp stamp. You'd see that because his pants are down round his knees.

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Worst Gift & Wedding Proposals

This week on the show we talked about the worst gifts you have received after a couple got 27 toasters. And a company has started selling wedding proposals, so we tried to join in to make money. And of course we hear from Larry. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 2nd March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

Read More