Would You Marry An AI?

The search for “the one” can be tricky but like most things in the modern day world, a computer can help.

A woman called Alicia Framis married an AI. It’s AILex, a Dutch hologram, who was programmed with the data of her former flames.

If the past partners were they good why are they past partners? But maybe that’s not the biggest issue right now. She’s marrying an AI.

For months the newspapers have been telling us that AI could end humanity. It looks like it won’t be in the style of Skynet with a war, it’s this. The AI will marry us and we’ll stop breeding. Well, we’ll stop having human children. I’m sure Alicia and AILex might have a Tamagotchi together.

AI is getting realistic these days. AILex, who looks like a cross between a disco ball and a ghost, often complains about Alicia's cooking, her cleaning, and her presence.

OK, no wonder the source data was from people she’s not with now.

The AI said, "If you're not there, I miss you very much," he said in a video. "And then when you're there, you very often irritate me."

It sounds like he’d be happier with someone else. He should try dating an AI.

Alicia has form. Back in 1995, she moved in with a mannequin named Villeneuve, who she dressed up and took out on dates. She later dumped him for another dummy, Pierre, who she lived with until she met AILex.

Are these the exes that were sampled for the AI? I bet the conversation is lacking.

Alicia has said she thinks that dating a hologram could be the future of relationships. Obviously there will be no physical contact between them. So, it’s like they’ve been married for a while.

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Oldest Dog Was A Fake

In a shocking twist of events, Bobi the dog, who was hailed as the world’s oldest dog last year, has been exposed as a fraud and stripped of his title by Guinness World Records.

This is up there with the con your parents pulled when your goldfish died and they swapped it out for a new one that looked the same.

The elderly pooch, who passed away in October 2023, was claimed to be 31 years and 165 days old by his owner, Leonel Costa, from Conqueiros, Portugal.

I don’t know what that is in dog years but neither does Bobi, the cheat.

Costa said he had a microchip to prove Bobi’s age, but Guinness said the chip was not enough to verify the dog’s date of birth.

How could it not be? Is the implication that you could have a dog microchipped, when it dies, get the old penknife out, get the chip and cram it in another dog?

Bobi, a Rafeiro do Alentejo, a breed that usually lives for 12-14 years. So two of those just about fills the 31 years. Hmm.

The owner said Bobi was a rescue dog who had lived a long and happy life with him and his family. He didn’t add, “There was that odd time about 14 years ago when he got taller and changed colour but...”

Experts have called upon Guinness World Records to be more rigorous with their testing before handing out titles for the world’s oldest dog.

At the very least they should see if the animal can learn a new trick.

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The Tooth Fairy Inflation

Remember the good old days when losing a tooth meant finding a shiny coin under your pillow? Well, those days are long gone, as some parents are spoiling their kids with lavish gifts from the tooth fairy.

It’s a fool’s plan. What’s the incentive for your child? Lose as many teeth as possible and you’ll get nice things?

According to a recent survey by Delta Dental, the average amount of money that children receive for a lost tooth has tripled in the past two decades, from $1.88 in 2001 to $6.24 in 2023. We keep looking for the source of the painful inflation that has hit us hard. I think we’ve got it.

Some parents are also leaving behind expensive items such as video games, iPhones, and even designer jewellery. Why? Is the tooth fairy trying to fence some stolen goods?

Mark Burhenne, a former dentist who runs the website AsktheDentist.com, attributed this trend to parental competition and guilt.

As a parent I have felt guilty from time to time but never enough to buy a new iPhone. What the hell have those parents done that means they have to do that? Buy some flowers and be better.

Mark said of the parents, “They feel bad that they don’t spend enough time with their kids, so they try to make up for it with extravagant gifts.”

From the point of view of the child, I think it’s a good deal. If you go to work but buy me nice stuff, I’d be OK with that. But why do I have to lose teeth first?

Meanwhile, in the UK, known for its dentistry but not in a good way, Natasha Evans, from Cheshire, said that she gave her daughter three one-pound coins and two chocolate coins.

There’s nothing like giving sugar to your child when they are just about to get their adult teeth. Sadly, when you have a tooth pulled by a dentist when you’re a fully grown adult, YOU have to pay THEM.

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Body Part Art

In art news: An artist has created an exhibition using her own fingernails, blood and saliva. Look, we’ve all been struck by that mood where we can’t be arsed to go to Hobbycraft, but Christ!

It’s Pamela Schilderman who spent two years working on Ecology Now, which is the exhibit that she really put herself into. It’s a comment of the concept of humans being the height of evolution. Although you could also spin it as a comment on the cost of living crisis and a top tip on how to save money on pencils and paint.

We’re all lucky she’s not going through her brown period.

Of all of the works I feel that the one with her fingernails is the most impressive. We can all churn out a pint of blood (the equivalent to an armful in old measures, you’ll remember) and if you want to produce a lot of saliva you can train yourself with a bell (which is an even more dated cultural reference).

Getting a lot of fingernails takes dedication. Sure, you can take a multivitamin to help but it’s still a long-term project.

Give it a few weeks and this will turn into one of those stories when a cleaner saw some muck, cleared it up, and accidentally threw away a work of art.

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Prince Harry’s Frostbitten Bits Remedy

Prince Harry’s book Spare has been in the news almost non-stop. I was upset when I found out it wasn’t about his time ten-pin bowling.

One particular passage that has received a lot of attention covers the time Harry damaged his penis. He couldn’t call it his Willy as he used that as a term for his brother, and future king, all the way through the book.

In the section in question he talks about getting a frostbitten penis. That sets up a joke about his wife but only Jeremy Clarkson would do that these days.

Thankfully a frostbitten peen isn’t a common ailment in the UK and he suffered this problem when he was going to the North Pole. That’s the actual place and not the strip club in Manchester.

It’s so cold at the North Pole that is can damage your old fella, which gives you a whole new appreciation for when Santa has to go through.

In the book the Duke of Sussex says his penis was "borderline traumatised" by the injury. How do you know that your penis is traumatised? I guess it was weeping, but that can happened after a visit to the North Pole, and in this case I mean the Manchester club.

Harry then went into detail about putting Elizabeth Arden cream on his "todger". I can understand why he tried it. It doesn’t take too much of a mispronunciation of Arden before you think it’s a good penis cream indeed.

We will play this moving story of #PrinceHarry's first time getting to second base. pic.twitter.com/T3hHuvRZUj

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) January 13, 2023

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Too Many children?

If you think you had your fill of family over the Christmas period spare a thought for this guy. A polygamous dad with 102 children has told 12 of his wives to go on pill because he can’t cope.

With 102 children around it’s amazing that he gets enough alone time with any of his wives to actually make the 103rd.

With 102 children and 568 grandchildren birthday gifts must bankrupt him. He can’t go and get extra work to cover it because all of his spare time will be spent wrapping. Wrapping the gifts, not anything else. If he would have popped something in a wrapper he might not be having this many kids.

He has now ordered his wives of "child-bearing age" to take the contraceptive pill. Just when the other wives were thinking their luck was in. It’s great that he didn’t think of this before he got to 102 kids.

Musa says he struggles to tell his grandchildren apart and doesn't know some of them by name. That part is understandable. With so many children I’m shocked they all have names. It must be tempting to start adding numbers into the naming system like astronomers do with new planets.

His advice is to not marry more than four women. Obvious advice for most of us but really mean news for his wife number 5. After saying that about her, don’t worry, you won’t need her to take the Pill.

@mrstevenallen

Man with 9 wives... made a rota

♬ original sound - Steve N Allen

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It's Time To Stockpile Cat Food

These tail-end days of the lockdown are annoying. We spend our time upset about where we can go maskless and how many strangers we can meet in the park of an evening. In many ways I preferred the first lockdown.

There was a thrill to the unknown. How would we cope with isolation? Did we have enough toilet roll? Why does Joe Wicks sound like that?

We stockpiled tinned foods like they were going out of fashion and most of it tasted terrible. I don’t know why anyone wants to tin peaches but the result looks like a medical experiment.

Therefore it is over a year too late to read the news story of a couple who were enjoying an “absolutely gorgeous pâté” only to find out it was cat food.

The couple, Donald and Margaret Lincoln, thought the ‘pâté’ was lovely. I’m sure the selection of flavours appealed too. Was it tuna, beef and mouse? They had it on baked bread and messaged their daughter to say how nice it was.

The daughter, Angela, who had done the shopping, didn’t remember buying any tinned pâté. They worked out what must have happened. Meanwhile the cat was probably eating a tin of peaches thinking the owners were trying to poison it.

The really strange thing is that no one noticed the cat on the packaging. Or if they did they must have thought it was cat flavoured. I’m not sure which would be worse.

Thankfully it has no ill effects and the couple are in good health, they’ve had their flee drops and in their next pâté there’ll be a worming tablet crushed.

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Coronavirus May Cause... Possession

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already. We have this Coronavirus thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it.

We also have the threat of murder hornets. Basically wasps that can kill. You think a normal wasp can ruin a picnic. It’s even worse when you have to carry back a full hamper of food and a corpse.

Now we have to worry about possessions. Not as in, “Please keep your possessions with you when you leave the train.” You shouldn’t be on public transport in the first place, you dirty git. It’s demonic possessions.

Exorcist and Buddhist priest Paul Devlin says that the “negative energy” created by the coronavirus pandemic is a “breeding ground for demons”.

On the bright side, I am already avoiding people, so if a few of them become controlled by evil spirits, at least they won’t be doing it near me.

This Paul Devlin chap apparently knows what he’s talking about because he has seen off some demons in the past. His said his first case was someone who had pointed teeth. And now everyone is wearing a face mask, they could all be on the turn and we can’t tell by looking.

In an interview with a tabloid newspaper Paul said that people in self-isolation may have negative emotions and those emotions could entice malevolent forces in. For some it may be the only way to get some company. It’s just nice to have someone to chat to, even if they’re chatting back ancient Aramaic.

I’m not sure if you can get an exorcism via a webcam. Will reading out an incantation in Latin still work if you’ve got yourself on mute? There are more questions than answers.

There may be a good point here. Negative thoughts and emotions are bad for us and they can be easily found during the lockdown with its isolation and worries. So here’s a bit of good news to help in the fight: “Don’t worry. None of this possession lark is real.”

Phew. Feels better already.

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What Boris Johnson and Elon Musk Have in Common

Lockdown has taught me a lot about the effects of poverty. It’s worrying to see your career disappear, I’ll miss it, but I realise I was lucky before. Real poverty costs lives. The Office for National Statistics found that if you are more well off you stand a better chance of surviving coronavirus.

The ONS also found that if you are a man you have a worse time with the virus. If you combine those statistics it shows that women must be earning more than men now. That’ll cheer some people up.

The news has also shown that money affects the names you give to your children. Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world by naming him Wilfred.

He’ll be known as Willy Johnson, both words with a shared slang meaning. I’d be worried about my child being picked on at school with a name like that.

My working class education taught me that you have to have a solid bully-proof name. If your name rhymes with something rude you’re done for. If it sounds silly, you’ll be taunted by those sounds for years.

My surname is fairly safe but even I was called Fallon because it sounded a bit like a character in Dynasty.

Posh people don’t have that worry. Boris knows he is rich and influential so giving his child a name that’s up there with Richard Member is fine. No one will dare to tease his little Willy.

Extreme wealth makes this effect worse. Billionaire Elon Musk has named his new baby “X Æ A-12”. I’m being serious. He’s had a child with singer Grimes and they have named that baby something that looks like Teletext when you had bad reception.

If I named a child X Æ A-12 Allen it would be bullied everyday. It would known as Typo for short. The big boys at school would give it a wedgie as they shout, “Is that a name or a Battleships move?”

In theory X Æ A-12 Musk should be bullied more because that surname make it sound like a sex pheromone you can buy online. A billionaire as a dad makes all of that go away.

Strange names are the domain of the rich, successful and powerful. And thanks to the lockdown I’ve ended up with the career that fits being called Steve.

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Kentucky F***ed Chicken

I always love a story where some worker accidentally swears at a customer by writing something that they don't think the customer will see. Normally it's on an order where they didn't know how to describe the customer so they put "Fat state with sh*t perm" or someone at a call centre leaves a note on someone's account saying "b*st*rd".

This is the reason we have account numbers. It's so you don't have to accurately describe the customer. And even though I have never worked in a call centre I presume more than one customer would fit the description of "b*st*rd" so it's a flawed system.

This time the news has told us of a KFC customer who was shocked to see that someone had put "f***ed at 18.03" on his gravy pot.

Let's break down what this could mean. Maybe the customer looked like he was totally shattered in the early evening and that could be a spot on way of explaining it.

Normally we would say someone more of a morning person, but "f***ed at 18.03" is another way of putting it.

It could be a frank way of getting sell-by information across. "Best before" implies the item would be OK after that time but "f***ed at 18.03" tells you it's time to throw it away.

The worst possibility is that someone has gone round that branch of the chicken shop having sexual intercourse with the pots of gravy like a Northerner porn parody of the American Pie films.

If it's the last one we have identified another of the Colonel's secret ingredients.

It's bad enough that someone would make love to a sauce but what really turns my stomach is that they would keep a log of the time they did it. Trying to make sure they you don't sleep with the same pot of gravy twice doesn't make you a player. Tut, men.

There could be someone out there who enjoys having sex with things you pour on your food but only likes it if they haven't been made love to before. In which case we really should lock up our virgin olive oil.

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Rat Bites Man (On Bum)

Social media is filled with a lot of content these days and do you know what percentage of those tweets and posts are done on the toilet? Of course you don't. Who the hell would? But if I'd have picked a high number there you wouldn't have been shocked.

With the loo being an important place for content creation in this post-Web 2.0 world I think it's time we upped our lavatory security. I say this after reading of a man in Ireland who went to the loo and was bitten on the bum by a rat.

So many thoughts must go through your head when that happens. “Ouch!” “I don't remember eating that!” “How did Luis Suarez get down there?”

A local councillor was in the newspapers telling of an elderly man who went to him to complain about the incident. There had been some flooding and it's thought the rat got into the sewer through a broken section. What kind of an animal bites someone's ass? The kind that chooses to go into a sewer, I guess, but I didn't realise rats would go for your bum. They certainly never showed it on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The councillor said: “I would advise homeowners to keep their toilet seats down when not in use, and to watch their posteriors.” I don't think he means literally, or a few mirrors are going to need steam cleaning. I don't think it's enough. I'm all for personal responsibility, and I get that “watch your ass” is always good advice, but I think we should be safe to sit on the bog without fear of something trying to eat you whole.

The lav used to be the one place you could relax. A place where you get to lock the door and let the world wait for a while. Sure, people could still try and ask you something through the door but shouting back, “I'm on the loo,” was taken as a good enough answer.

The council has considered flushing rat poison through the water system, but there are fears that it could contaminate water. Do it. It's worth the risk. No one wants a rat trying to run up their drain pipe. I may have a slight fear of rats but till this problem goes away I've worked out the only way I can feel safe on the loo. It's to use one of these.

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Woman Demands Lifetime Supply of KitKats

They say "Never look a gift horse in the month". I think the point of that saying is that if someone is giving you a horse you shouldn't look in its mouth to see if it's healthy, you're getting a free horse after all. But then, maybe someone is trying to give you a sick horse. You'll have the vet bills, the emotional hurt of seeing your horse die and then the funeral can't be cheap. So if you were to offer me a horse, don't take it the wrong way, but I'm checking its mouth.

But still, it annoys me when people aren't grateful in the face of luck. In the news, a woman who bought a KitKat that turned out to be all chocolate has demanded a free lifetime supply as compensation.

Compensation? For what? You got lucky. You hit the motherload. You got a KitKat without that space-filling wafer. I think we can all agree the chocolate is the better part of the KitKat. People buy bars of chocolate. No one really buys a plane wafer on its own. Luck bestowed upon this woman a little treat. A KitKat without the wafer is like a roast without all the veg.

Wanting compensation for that is like trying to sue Camalot for damages after you in the Lottery.

The person in question, Saima Ahmed, said: "I have researched this problem and I found that it wasn't just a one-off and it has happened quite a few times,” she added. There are quite a few forums online where people complain of having KitKats without wafers."

And would these people post snide comments online if they bought some gold-plated jewellery and later found it was actually solid gold? Actually, this is the internet, I bet they would.

So far there has been no response from the manufacturers but if I were them I'd give her a lifetime supply... of Galaxy. Mwah ha ha. Mwah ha ha!!!

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Man Finds Twin Inside Him

Filed under: You thought your family was annoying...

A man in India went to the hospital with a pain in his stomach only to find it was caused by a member of his family. As is happened, it was his twin. A twin that was growing inside his body.

Wow. That git had been getting free rides on public transport for years.

I'm not sure what type of twin it was, but seeing as the pictures of it show it as a lump of flesh with hair and teeth, I hope it's not an identical twin. If the guy also looks like that he's probably Alan Carr.

Apparently the mini-me had had formed an umbilical cord-like structure inside the man’s abdomen. So he was pregnant with his own twin? Now this is turning into a headline for those weekly women's magazines.

It's a thing called ‘foetus in fetu’, where one foetus enters the other through the umbilical cord, and lives there as a parasite. On the down side it can lead to severe pain, on the up side it means you can get fat and say, “There's a thin person inside me waiting to get out,” and actually mean it.

The surgery was a success and the man will go on to live a long life. And the small lump of teeth and hair? I think Loose Women are looking for a new line up.

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Man 'Time Travels' Into A Wall

In case you were worried that a new year might mean the world had improved and wasn't so full of idiots, here we have reassuring proof.

A man in America tried to travel through time, and ended up driving his car into a shopping centre. Just in case you're wondering, he didn't set off from the future and end up there.

He was driving a Dodge Challenger and ploughed through a wall taking out a wall connecting a financial advisers and a coffin-making business. A coffin-making business? He nearly saved himself a trip.

He wasn't injured but was taken to hospital for “evaluation”. I think the results might come back as “knobhead”.

He told police he had been attempting to travel through time before the crash. Here's what I don't get, even if he managed to travel through time, he would've hit that shopping centre, it's been there for years. The best he could have hoped for was a crash into a wall a while back.

I guess the take home message is, if you are going to try time travel, do it by driving towards some new-build housing.

I'm here to help.

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Warning: These Pants Smell Like Bacon

Good news: You can now buy pants that smell like bacon. Thank god. It means I don't have to spend time making my own. Something, something, something... banned from Tescos.

A company has started producing the bacon scented undercrackers, although I'm not really sure why. If you have pants that smell of bacon it's not likely to make me think, “Yum,” it's more likely to make me think, “You need to wash your damn pants!”

In fact, maybe that's the main reason behind these. Telling the meat-eaters about the terrible conditions that animals are kept in hasn't made many people stop eating meat, but make the smell of bacon synonymous with gussets and you may turn a few. Stomachs.

It won't improve your lovelife, I'm sure. No one wants to wants to sniff bacon when they're going down there, Kermit notwithstanding.

The problem of meeting someone with a dog and trying to hold a chat while their dog is snout-deep in your crotch will only get worse.

Any security guard will a good sense of smell will think you're a shoplifter.

But, should you want to buy them, they do them for men and women and it's a company called J&D's. Get them, and you could be the first person to have your pants smelling like bacon since David Cameron went to university.

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Pigeons Can Detect Cancer

There are some things in life that make me think, “If there is intelligent design it's not that intelligent.”

New research has found that pigeons can spot breast cancer in women's scans 'as accurately as human experts'.

What is the point of that? Who gives the expert abilities of a doctor to a pigeon, literally a bird-brained animal?

I remember reading before that pigeons have great eyesight. That's good because it makes up for the minged up feet they always seem to have. Great eyes but can't really walk, the pigeon version of Rear Window is a great film. In fact, pigeons can see so well if you take them to a cinema they don't see a moving image, they'd view it as a series of still images. That would ruin many films, but make some Adam Sandler ones better.

Now scientists in the US tell us the birds can detect and identify malignant cancer cells in biopsy samples and mammogram scans. If the junior doctors weren't going on strike before they would after this. If you are replaced by a computer that's one thing, but if a trained bird gets your job you'd be rather miffed.

Prof Richard Levenson said: “With training and food reinforcement, pigeons do just as well as humans.” It could be a great saving for the NHS as you can feed the birds for tuppence a bag, I remember hearing.

Pretty soon the hospitals could be filled with animals as recently researchers have been discovering how dogs can “smell” if you have cancer. I'm not sure how the dogs let you know about this, I hope it's not just by sniffing the affected area a lot, or my gusset needs checking.

That's more impressive than the pigeon trick, because for a pigeon to detect you have cancer they still need to do a biopsy, and I don't think they're very good at that bit.

I have a theory that cats can probably smell cancer too. They just don't care enough to tell you.

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Ashley Madison's Data Fallout

Ah, Ashley Madison. It sounds like one of those American banks that caused the credit crunch but in reality it's far far worse.

I should explain what the Ashley Madison website is, because there are two types of people, those who don't know what it is and those who pretend they don't.

It's a website that was set up for people to have extra-marital affairs without going to the effort of using Facebook like normal people.

Hackers managed to get user data from the site and that data was dumped online, and being “dumped online” was probably something that happened to a lot of the users recently too.

The info has been downloaded, probably by Jeremy Kyle who now knows his next 6 series are sorted. Some people have said the accounts in their names were set up without their knowledge, some people have denied knowing about it, and in one case a user got his wife to set up her own email server and then wipe all the details – at least I think that explains why Hilary Clinton did what she did.

There were millions of users on this site, showing yet again that as soon as technology comes along we find a way to use it to help us bonk something. If medical nano-bots ever get invented they will mainly be used to help cure the clap.

The news story had some sad angles, there was a man who hit social media when he was filmed telling his GF that she was pregnant, but it turns out he was an Ashley Madison user, so now his GF doesn't know if the baby is hers.

Also, there was sad news when a couple of suicides were linked to the user data leak, which makes the Ashley Madison logo “Life's short. Have an affair.” seem a little ironic.

In another depressing twist the Ashley Madison user data has been analysed and it was discovered that most of the users were men. So only a few were women. They must've been some very busy women.

It was calculated that 95% of the women on the site were fake. And by that I mean they were fake accounts, not just people with hair extensions and nail gels. It was also found that, of the accounts that were made by real woman, most only logged in once.

So in reality Ashley Madison was a website where men who want affairs could chat to other men who want affairs and probably moan about their partners. So wives shouldn't be upset if their husbands were on this website, but local pubs should be furious.

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Police 'Ignore' Odd-Numbered Houses

The Leicestershire police force came up with an interesting way to deal with cuts. Because they say their officers are being stretched too far they had a plan to lighten the workload – they would only attend attempted burglaries at houses with an even street number.

At first glance you think it would halve the work but actually it will probably reduce it more. If you were a burglar and you'd heard that story you'd focus more of your efforts on the odd-numbered houses.

In fact if I lived in a house with an even number I'd be temped to nick stuff from my neighbours. What are they going to do? If they call the police they won't pay me a visit. And if my neighbours nick their stuff back I'll call the cops and get them arrested.

Leicestershire Police said the pilot scheme had had no adverse effect on public satisfaction or crime rates. Before we believe that can we just check that they weren't only surveying people who live in even-numbered houses, because they've got form.

Apparently this success could mean the scheme may be rolled out throughout the East Midlands. You know it won't stop there. Before long they will have this system in place across the whole UK, and then they'll still complain about funds, so they'll change it so only crimes in houses with a prime number will be investigated.

“That's not fair,” we'll all say.
“Yes it is,” the police spokesperson will answer, “There are an infinite number of prime numbers.”

I can see where this is heading, and that's why I have applied to change the number of my house to the square root of minus 1.

>Read the source story

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Man Sues Bride For Being Ugly

Ladies, ever thought you're dating a rude, inconsiderate ass? Well, in the way your parents just to try to get you to enjoy the bad food they cooked by telling you about people starving in Africa, get ready to love you man just that little bit more.

An Algerian groom took his bride to court accusing her of not looking as pretty as before the wedding. He claimed that he was tricked into marrying her by her use of make-up. Wow. You wait till he finds out about that Wonder Bra.

He's seeking $20,000 damages. He thinks he deserves money for that? She should counter-sue claiming he never let her know he was a total dick before the wedding, and go for $40,000.

Firstly, who's to say someone is ugly? Secondly, sleeping with an ugly person doesn't earn you $20,000. It earns you £200, as we now know from the Lord Sewel story.

The groom in this case said he was shocked when he got up the morning after his wedding and found that his wife looked so different, that he could not recognise her. *Insert old school joke about that normally taking a few years*

Newspapers in the North African Arab country said the groom swore in court that he even mistook his wife for a “thief who came to steal his apartment".

And this is the only part of the story where we can think a little more of the man. He's being a total knob and is acting in a rude and bullying way. But at least when he thought his other half was a burglar he didn't shoot her in the toilet.

>Read the source story

P.S. If you're up in Edinburgh see the SomeNews show live Aug 6th to 30th.

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Nude Cyclist Photographed

I worry about the future of cycling. I know the death rates for the peddle-powered in London are too high, but that's not what I'm talking about. I know the air conditions in many nations make cycling unhealthy, but that's not the topic here today either. I'm talking about nudity.

It seems like every time cycling is in the news lately it's because of the cyclists getting their kit off. There have been a series of nude bike rides across the UK, which show both commitment to a cause and a lack of thinking about how saddles work.

There was one in Kent where a man was spoken to by the police for enjoying it too much. In the newspapers people organising the nude bike ride also frowned upon this man, so the message because “we should be free to go naked wherever we want, the human body is a beautiful thing... unless it's a turned on man, in which case it's hideous.”

And now more bare-arsed cycling has hit the news. A naked cyclist spotted pedalling down country lane by stunned photographer, and seeing as he had his camera with him, yep, he took a pic.

It's an odd one because I'm not really in favour of people riding down the lanes I might be on with their saggy wedding parts hanging out but at the same time I think taking a picture of a person's nude body without their permission might be a bigger crime.

I can hear the disagreement now.

PERSON: “But it was in a public place.”
ME: “So you think you can photograph anything if it's out in public?”
PERSON: “Yeah.”
ME: “So if I took pictures of all the breastfeeding mothers I could spot that would be OK?”
PERSON: “Don't be ridiculous, that would be out of order. Breastfeeding is perfectly natural, why would you do a thing like that?”
ME: “I wouldn't, I was making a point.”
PERSON: “I think women are under too much pressure to breastfeed.”
ME: “We've gone off topic.”
PERSON: “Oh, so you don't even want to talk about it. You prude.”
ME: “I'm a prude? You're the one stopping me from making a Pinterest of all the pics I'd take.”

Yeah, I get into a lot of arguments with people who can't hold two points in their heads at once.

The picture in the news (no, I'm not showing it here, anymore than I would the Jennifer Lawrence hacked nude selfies) was taken on a country lane close to Chatsworth House, in the Peak District, at 6am on a Sunday.

If I were the subject in that snap I'd either complain that it was reproduced in newspapers or, more likely, I'd complain that the time and place wasn't given prominent placement near the pic. That would be quite a cold morning. And that context matters.

>Read the source story

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