Boris To The Rescue?

Boris Johnson is being pulled into the Tory campaign with personalised letters to voters, but don’t worry, he may still be scoring a point against Rishi Sunak, because, yeah, in-fighting will help.

This is funny. It’s like Harold Bishop going back into Neighbours. You’re know you’re in trouble when they have to get a cameo from three series ago.

It was suggested that Boris had written ‘supportive’ letters, but this is Boris Johnson we’re talking about. He will have written one letter that’s supportive and one that’s not, and he’ll pick which he feels like, because he’s a man of principles.

And if it’s anything like his Daily Mail column it might be about cheese and cost them half a million to get him to write it. Or the latest sunglasses.

Newspapers have been saying he’s “being parachuted into the disastrous Conservative election campaign” but he is not actually being parachuted because he’s on holiday till the day before the election. He also won’t remember his ID when he goes to the polling station so he’s probably not even voting in this one, let alone fighting it.

But a spokesman for Mr Johnson would not be drawn on whether the letters would mention Mr Sunak. Would it help Rishi to have the letter that will be a reminder of how he drove the knife into the back of the PM that people voted for? The kind of people who could be swayed by a letter from Boris Johnson are probably Boris Johnson fans, which means they won’t like what Rishi did.

Either way, if this doesn’t work they probably have AI Thatcher ready to go.

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Unlike Angela Rayer, The Mail On Sunday Doesn't Have A Leg To Stand On

The latest political scandal is #Pantygate.

The Mail on Sunday ran a story saying an unnamed Tory MP claimed that Angela Rayner uncrosses and crosses her legs to distract Boris Johnson like in the film Basic Instinct.

If you haven't seen that film, do you remember that Kenny Everett character? Or possible like Neo in The Matrix getting up after being knocked down. It’s hard to know what the motion was like because it very probably doesn’t actually happen.

The whole claim seems ridiculous. Are we to believe that the Prime Minister of the UK is a priapic, lascivious fool? OK well, that bit checks out but the rest…

As you can see in the photo there’s no way Boris Johnson could even see her legs; he’d only see the box.

There is an attempt to find out which Tory member was behind the claims. They’re looking for someone who might hold outdated views about women. No doubt that’s numbered it down so much they’ll be telling us who it is any second now.

Boris Johnson called it, “Sexist tripe.” Or maybe he said, “Sexy tripe,” which might be how he refers to us Northerners.

The article wasn’t only dripping with misogyny there was classism and snobbery. It’s become a huge distraction from the real issues. Normally the only bit of knee in the Labour Party the Mail on Sunday gets upset about is when someone is kneeling on it.

If the claims are true this is an embarrassment to politics. If he claims are false, it’s an embarrassment to tabloid journalism. Why not be on the safe side and think less of both?

Tech minister Chris Philp said there was “ongoing, active work” to root out such “offensive views” within the Conservative Party. Yes, and leave those comments where they belong… in a Boris Johnson Telegraph article.

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Boris Johnson Has Affair, Shocker?

The world was rocked recently by the news that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had an affair. In the same way that you feel rocked when a BMW driver doesn’t indicate or a toddler falls down, we are talking about that level of surprise.

A while back a scandal broke about BJ’s closeness to business-person Jennifer Arcuri, although most of the newspapers focussed on the fact that she owned a pole-dancing pole, which is why I’m changing my official bio from writer to “Pelaton owner”.

There were innuendoes about the likelihood of those two getting jiggy-with-it and a more serious question about the processes that were used to get Jennifer Arcuri access to business grants.

At the time I remember Jennifer saying she gave Boris some tech lessons, which now we are hearing might have been learning where the batteries go.

Now that the story had simmered down and we had bigger pandemic fish to fry, Ms Arcuri spoke to a newspaper confirming the dirty deed, or rather four years worth of deeds from 2012. At the time we were all feeling a little more athletic because the Olympics were coming to town. I’m sure that added to it.

In the interview we learn that Jennifer sent him “arty topless pictures” (are there any other kind, from the point of view of the sender) and said they had a mutual “physical and intellectual attraction” (I can spot the division of labour there).

We hear about the time they were intimate before he headed off to the opening of the 2012 London Paralympics and how, before he left, she had to hunt for a sock he lost in the throes of passion. Ah yes, that moment where you turn a lady on by whipping your sock off and lobbing it across the room.

All of these “erotic” details are all very well but it’s worth remembering that the affair isn’t the story. It may be immoral but it’s not illegal to have a fling with another grown adult but the dodgy part here is whether the taxpayer-funded trade missions and grants were made available to Jennifer Arcuri because Boris Johnson was doing to the Nolan Principles of Public Life what he was doing to her after he’d launched his socks.

But there’s no pole dancing in that bit of the story, so nevermind.

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What Boris Johnson and Elon Musk Have in Common

Lockdown has taught me a lot about the effects of poverty. It’s worrying to see your career disappear, I’ll miss it, but I realise I was lucky before. Real poverty costs lives. The Office for National Statistics found that if you are more well off you stand a better chance of surviving coronavirus.

The ONS also found that if you are a man you have a worse time with the virus. If you combine those statistics it shows that women must be earning more than men now. That’ll cheer some people up.

The news has also shown that money affects the names you give to your children. Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world by naming him Wilfred.

He’ll be known as Willy Johnson, both words with a shared slang meaning. I’d be worried about my child being picked on at school with a name like that.

My working class education taught me that you have to have a solid bully-proof name. If your name rhymes with something rude you’re done for. If it sounds silly, you’ll be taunted by those sounds for years.

My surname is fairly safe but even I was called Fallon because it sounded a bit like a character in Dynasty.

Posh people don’t have that worry. Boris knows he is rich and influential so giving his child a name that’s up there with Richard Member is fine. No one will dare to tease his little Willy.

Extreme wealth makes this effect worse. Billionaire Elon Musk has named his new baby “X Æ A-12”. I’m being serious. He’s had a child with singer Grimes and they have named that baby something that looks like Teletext when you had bad reception.

If I named a child X Æ A-12 Allen it would be bullied everyday. It would known as Typo for short. The big boys at school would give it a wedgie as they shout, “Is that a name or a Battleships move?”

In theory X Æ A-12 Musk should be bullied more because that surname make it sound like a sex pheromone you can buy online. A billionaire as a dad makes all of that go away.

Strange names are the domain of the rich, successful and powerful. And thanks to the lockdown I’ve ended up with the career that fits being called Steve.

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Uri Geller Is A Weirdo For Cummings

Are you a weirdo? I think I can ask that now because it’s probably not an insult any more.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s top senior adviser, Dominic Cummings, posted a job advert online asking for “assorted weirdos” to apply to work at Number 10. One quick look at the kind of people they have in there and you feel like shouting, “Mission already accomplished!”

He wasn’t using the term as a pejorative, it was almost used as a compliment. It has the feel of an attempt to reclaim the word like so many groups have done with their insults. It might become known as the W-word. If that is the case it should be a word that only a weirdo could actually use.

*Looks at Dominic Cummings* *Realises that checks out so far*

So what could go wrong when you ask for assorted odd-bods to apply for a job? Well, one has. Uri Geller has said he has put himself forward for the position. You may remember Uri from several spoon attacks back in the 80s. He believes that mystical powers have gifted him with the ability to **** up your cutlery without even touching them.

He says he wants the job because no other candidate would possess his powers. True. Most civil servants would have to use their hands to ruin items in your kitchen.

He can’t need the money. He is in his 70s so would normally be retired. And the job is that of civil servant, so it’s a pen pusher. Unless he wants to try to push those pens simply using the power of his mind.

We have seen the covering letter that Uri sent. He wrote, “Dear Dom,” at the top, which is a nice touch on a job application if you are trying to make people think you’re weird. Clever.

“While many have doubted my abilities, my achievements cannot be dismissed as trickery or illusions,” said the famous TV illusionist.

He added: “In my intelligence work I assisted with Operation Desert Storm, helped to locate secret tunnels in North Korea, and used my skills to erase crucial diplomatic discs on their way to Moscow.”

He can erase computer files with his mind?! Now that is a power I’d like.

“What’s that, darling. You need to log onto my laptop? Sure, just let me stare at it till the vein comes up on my forehead... Done!”

Uri Geller recently said he had used his powers to help Boris Johnson win last year’s election by giving his aides a spoon enthused with positive energy. It clearly worked but we don’t know by how much. Who helped Boris win more? Uri? Dominic Cummings? Jeremy Corbyn?

He said he could help by using his powers during the Brexit negotiations. You can bend spoons, you should be using your powers to stop heroin users.

Before they sign him up they should remember that previously Uri said he would use his special abilities to stop Brexit happening. Remind us Uri, how did that work out for you?

⮱Read the source story

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Further listening: Here’s a radio interview I did with Uri Geller about his plan to use his mind powers in politics.



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After recording, I arrived home to find all of my spoons were melted into the shape of a hand giving a middle-finger. I am sure it is a coincidence.

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News500 - Charlie Hebdo, Birmingham and Boris Johnson [Video]

Here's a brand new News500 show. This time we cover the Charlie Hebdo cover, the claims about Birmingham being a no-go zone and Boris Johnson sleeping like a homeless person, which explains the hair.



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Russia Bans Boris

Russia has banned Boris Johnson and twelve others from entering country. Oh no, that’s so mean.

It means Priti Patel can’t go to live in Russia, and we know how much she likes the idea of migration.

It manes Rishi Sunak can’t go to Russia. How dare they ban someone who very recently had an American green card.

The Russian Foreign Ministry has banned them in retaliation for sanctions amid the Ukraine war.

That’ll really hit them where it hurts. I know someone with the first names of Alexander and Boris must have an affinity to Russia but right now I bet no one was planning to go there.

As if anyone British politician would go there now. Your guide would say, “Want to shop in duty free and buy some perfume? We have one called Salisbury Cathedral.” They’d run for it.

I’m surprised that it’s only just happened. We brought in sanctioned, banned some Russian officials and they only just got round to it. I suppose they have been a bit busy. This is what happens when you have to do you official meetings on a table that’s 100 yards long.

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Labour (Finally) Leads in Polls

Congratulations to the Labour party. One newspaper reported that Labour has raced into a nine-point lead in the polls. I’m not sure that’s because of anything that Labour has done. This is like winning the Tour de France because everyone who’s good at cycling just had a massive pile up.

This is Labour’s biggest lead since 2014. And all it took was a corruption scandal over paid lobbying, lies over expensive wallpaper, multiple breaches of COVID rules, hundreds of thousands dead in a pandemic and questions over how millions of pounds of contracts were handed out to friends, and also a meltdown about Peppa Pig World, and finally the Labour Party are back on top.

The latest Opinium poll says 57% of voters think Johnson should now resign. There’s no way that’s going to happen. There have been times when he should have sacked a minister but he waited for them to resign. He’s not going to sack himself.

What’s nice about this is that it might stop the distraction we see in debate. Normally a poll comes out giving Labour a slim lead due to some wrong doing from our Government and the first question pundits ask is, “Why aren’t Labour further ahead?” I don’t know, maybe it’s because we’re all avoiding talking about the Government’s failings as soon as we have a chance.

The 43% who don’t want Boris Johnson to resign are probably Labour Party members. If he carries on at this rate they might stand a chance of winning something.

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A Quick Look At Beergate

We have all had some regrets after a beer and a curry and often it can leave a mark, but not like it is doing with the Labour Party.

Previously the excuse was that Keir Starmer had some curry and beers during a break with people who were working on the local election, which was allowed. But a memo has come out that shows it was pre-planned.

What? Someone planned to have breaks in a workday? How is that possible? Planning that food will be eaten by people in a day, what is he, Machiavelli?!

If planning a break is criminal then every theatre is going down.

In the plan the order of events looks like nothing else was planned afterwards, so could you call that a break? If you have your break at the end of the day did you day simply end earlier. These are philosophical questions up there with working out how noisy trees are when we’re not there.

There’s quite a difference between that and someone laughing at a fake press briefing about a party or someone sneaking a suitcase full on wine into Downing Street.

At least I hope there is. If your break from work includes a suitcase of wine you may have a problem.

It’s great to see people who have spent ages defending Boris Johnson from the pointlessness of such accusations suddenly do a 180. They were saying things like, “Was it a party? Just because there was a birthday and a birthday cake? If the presence of a birthday cake means it’s a party then the bakery aisle in Asda must be arrested. It’s nothing.”

They have all flipped to, “A curry and beer? The debauchery?!”

It’s another story where everyone has picked their side and they’re making the facts bend to fit their beliefs. It’s heading towards the big question, if fined should Keir resign. Boris has already had a fine and not resigned, so should Keir do any differently? Maybe they should agree go at the same time. But if every there was a man you wouldn’t tryst to “go on the count of three” with you, it’s the PM.

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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep13 - Quarantine, Trump Drugs & Boris Scores

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this episode we look at the 14 day quarantine getting into the UK, Trump on drugs and Boris Johnson's approval rating.

Here's episode 13.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.

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12 Reasons You Can Leave Your House Under Lockdown

I'll never forget where I was when I heard the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson tell the nation we were under lockdown because of coronavirus. I was sat right here. I haven't moved since.

We had been previously told about social distancing, washing hands, not going out and self-isolating and it wasn't enough so Boris came into our homes. Thankfully via the TV because, as it turned out, he was infected with it.

He told us the four reasons you could leave you home but when greater detail was publish there are 12 reasons you can leave them home, so I thought we'd take a look.

1 - Shopping for basic necessities, for example food and medicine, which must be as infrequent as possible.

We haven't been given clarity on what counts as a necessity. If we use the same criteria as Waitrose's Essentials Range it includes things like lardons and ratatouille provencale. How frequently do we need those? I've made it to this age without buying them once yet, so the data is still pending.

2 - One form of exercise per day, for example a run, walk or cycle – alone or with members of your household.

Surely no one is doing that. If you're spending 23 and a half hours a day in the same house as someone and they say, "You going on a run? I'll come with you," they're trying to push you over the edge.

3 - Any medical need, including to donate blood.

Again, it could be a good way to get some time to yourself. You may not have been a blood donor before but if it gets you some alone time and biscuits it's like best day out available at the moment.

4 - To avoid or escape risk of injury or harm.

That one makes sense. It wasn't on the original list of four but if you were stood there as your house was falling down shouting, "No, I can't go out, I've already done one jog today," you'd be silly.

5 - To provide care or help to a vulnerable person.

I'd imagine that's not only for those who have to look after a relative. If you open your door, see someone has just been hit by a car, you don't point at the door frame and shrug your shoulders at them while mouthing the word, "Sorry!"

6 - Travelling for work purposes, but only where you cannot work from home.

Yes, there are some jobs that you can't do at home. People always list things like baristas, but I'm not sure about that one. Surely you could make a coffee at home. Come on, try harder.

7 - To move children under 18 between parents’ home if they do not live together.

The parents may have lived together at the start of this lockdown, but as time goes on there'll be an exponential graph somewhere that shows you how many break-ups there have been.

8 - Key workers and parents of vulnerable children can leave to take children to and from school or to their childcare provider.

Of course. That makes sense. When we heard the schools were shutting we knew they were still open for some children. How were they supposed to get there when the lockdown came in? Tunnel?

9 - To move house, but only if it’s unavoidable.

Oooh, loophole. If you want to go to see friends just buy their house off them. They can't touch you for it.

10 - To attend a funeral, but only when it’s a member of your household or a close family member. If the deceased doesn’t have any family attending, you can attend as a friend.

Also a possibly loophole but it would involve you killing someone off just to get to see then and maybe that would lead to an even bigger fine, I haven't looked into it.

11 - To attend critical public services – such as social services, support for victims, support provided by the Department for Work and Pensions.

That one feels very specific, almost like it was added by Thérèse Coffey in case she needs to pop out for some reason.

12 - To fulfil legal obligations when physical attendance is absolutely necessary.

So if you want more than one trip out a day, go and get yourself some community service.


And that's the full list that was published. After reading all that I think I'll stay in and have a nice sit down.

➡⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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News500 - The KKK Doughnuts, a British Boris and the Bailing Greeks [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about Krispy Kreme's botched promotional plans, Boris Johnson gives up on being a little big American, the Greeks talk more about paying back money, 50 Shades gets its large opening, and something about monkeys.



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Boris The Bus Man

They say, “A man needs a hobby.” I suppose it’s to keep us out of trouble. If we chaps are spending our time tinkering in the shed we’re not doing the kind of thing that could end a marriage. The increasing divorce rates in recent decades is probably linked to a decline in hobbiests.

So it was interesting to see what kind of hobby the potential future Prime Minister undertakes. When asked in a radio interview what he does with his spare time Boris Johnson said the most shocking thing since the last time he spoke.

He makes small model buses by painting on wine crates.

Firstly, it’s not a man of the people moment. I don’t know about you but I don’t have wine delivered in a crate. Most of my wine gets carried home by me and comes in a box these days. I could paint those to look like buses but I’d get some strange looks when I put my recycling out.

Secondly, how far into that bottle of expensive red would you have to be before painting a little bus on the side becomes a good idea?

More importantly, what do you think this hobby says about his character? Some will see this as one step above making wicker baskets as they used to do in asylums.

Some could see this as being consistent. When he was London mayor he brought in bendy buses that caught fire. Now he makes buses out of wood. There’s a theme.

Some might think he gave such an answer so we commentators focus on this instead of looking at his thoughts on more serious issues.

Either way, we know one thing; even if you have a hobby you can still do things that mean you don’t stay married.

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Trump Update: Whether he’s Comin’ or Cohen

Donald Trump warned 'a lot of women' would come forward during 2016 presidential run.

Show off.

In the Stormy Daniels case, Michael Cohen, Trump's former right-hand man, is giving evidence. Given the details we had from Stormy, “right-hand man” has already sent my mind off in the wrong direction.

Here’s a recap. Stormy slept with Trump just after his wife had given birth to their child, so it’s not like the wife would have had the energy to spank him with a magazine with his own face on it. A magazine with your face on it, or as Boris Johnson calls that, voter ID.

Trump got her to sign a NDA and paid her hush money. All perfectly legal in America. Have you met many Americans? They could all do with a lot more hush money.

Cohen made the payment, Trump paid him back but may have listed that money as an election payment. And that might be the crime.

It’s so upsetting that the actual crime isn’t a sexy scandal. It’s accountancy.

As Cohen described working for Trump on his 2016 presidential campaign, Cohen testified in court that the ex-president warned him his run for presidency would lead to negative stories surfacing. “You know that when this comes out … just be prepared. There’s going to be a lot of women coming forward”, Cohen claimed Trump told him.

The candidate for the evangelical Christian America there.

The one thing I don’t understand about this situation is why they tried to cover it up. When Trump gets sued or fined his base love him even more. A scandal where he slept with an adult actress seems like the kind of thing he’s pay $130,000 for now.

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Rishi Sunak in Shoe Upset

Rishi Sunak has issued a 'fulsome apology' to Adidas Samba fans after after being ridiculed for 'ruining' their credibility with his latest footwear fashion faux pas.

In an interview on LBC he apologised to the Adidas Samba wearing community. 2024, man.

He was mocked for wearing them but in his defence he says he was a 'longtime devotee' of the brand. The trouble is there is no evidence, in all of the many pictures of him taken over the years, that he has ever worn them. We’re getting strong, “My girlfriend is hot but she goes to a different school,” vibes.

He also gets mocked for wearing trousers that are too short. I think this is a defence mechanism. He looks likes the kind of guy who was bullied and that’s why he dresses like he’s already been wedgied. The bullies won’t wedgie you if you’ve already been done. They’re busy people.

Meanwhile footwear historian Elizabeth Semmelhack told The Times it could prove to be 'the death knell' for the retro trainer which has previously been described as 'the defining sneaker of our age'.

Footwear historian is a job? We have reached over-employment. I don’t wish offend the footwear historian community when I say that.

The newspapers have often mocked Rishi for the attire. He’s held to a standard normally reserved for any woman in the public eye. Over the years they have mocked him for wearing hoodies, Timberland boots, and sliders.

It makes me feel sorry for the PM because he gets this scrutiny but Boris Johnson dresses like he slept in that suit before coming into work clinging to the side of a train and no one minded.

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Why Do We Hate Clever People

People think being rich is about how much money you have. They are wrong.

That sounds like I am about to go all new-age and say true richness is about having time to know yourself. That's a load of rubbish too.

Being rich is about how much money you have compared to the average person. If you have a million pounds you sound rich but if everyone else in the UK also has a million pounds you'd have to cough up a lot to get that millionaire plumber to come out.

This means that for all the talk of a fairer society it is in the interest of some to keep things unfair and you can see this in the education system.

A new report has found that poorer teenagers are 18 months behind their wealthier peers in their GCSEs. That education gap is largest and growing fastest in parts of northern England.

Part of the problem is that in the working class world we don't value being clever.

On a TV show like Big Brother we vote the smartest ones off first.

It may be different for posh people but when I went to school you didn't want to be seen as keen. Trying hard at school was a sure way to lose friends and when you don't have much other than a little bit of social status you can't afford to lose it.

It's probably impossible to make being clever cool so we should focus on making being dim uncool.

We also know that young people aren't using Facebook these days because older people are. Basically, if grown-ups are doing it young people don't like it.

So we can solve the wealth-based educational gap if old people pretend to be stupid even if they're very clever.

It looks like maybe Boris Johnson will make this country better after all.

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Starmer The (Scottish) Charmer

As the General Election cracks on Sir Keir Starmer said that he needs to win in Scotland to become Prime Minister. And then you read the article and you realise he’s not saying he “needs” it but he’s saying he needs it to win Scotland over. Mathematically he can be the Prime Minister without winning Scottish seats, that’s roughly what Boris Johnson did in 2019.

The more seats Labour gets in Scotland the less of a record-breaking swing Labour needs in the rest of the UK, and he could well do that. If Labour does well up there, it’s all thanks to the political abilities of one man, Huamza Yusuf. Keir should send a fruit basket as a thanks.

Labour could do well in Scotland as the SNP implode, like it would do well in England because of the Tories doing themselves in. This is like a fight scene in the 1981 film Condorman.

Sir Keir said he needed to win in Scotland, where Labour only held one seat in the 2019 general election, so that he feels he is ruling all of the UK.

You can see his point. If Scotland votes SNP but the leading party is Conservative they can claim they didn’t vote for the leader they got. But that’s how the system works. There are places in the South West that vote Lib Dem who will always be able to say they didn’t vote for the PM.

Scotland has a great knack of making itself the belle of the ball. And Keir is doing the flattery. He’s telling Scotland he needs them even when he doesn’t. Meanwhile Rishi is off telling miracles that he needs them, and he means it.

» Read the source story

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Will We Turn The Coronavirus Tide?

On what feels like Day 172 of the Corona Crisis (we're actually about a week in), we finally heard some good news from our Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson has said he is "absolutely confident" that the UK can "turn the tide" of the coronavirus outbreak in 12 weeks.

Don't get me wrong, 12 weeks is a long time, especially if you're having to spend most of that time trapped at home with your relatives. It's a well-worn phrase, "You can pick your friends, not your family," but you don't get locked down with the people you'd pick, do you?

No one has factored into the projected death rate the number of people done in because they said, "Right, where shall we go today?" everyday during a quarantine.

There is a caveat. The Prime Minister said we could turn the tide "if" we stuck to the rules set out by the Government. Oh dear. I'm not sure we'll do that. We don't seem to be good at sticking to rules even when they are for our own good. We can't keep BMW drivers out of the motorway lanes with a red X on them even with a wide reaching radio ad campaign.

We are a nation of people who need to be told, every time a Tube train pulls up, "Please allow passengers off the train before you board."

The platform announcers may as well be saying, "Please obey the laws of physics. Allow mass that is occupying the space that you would like to occupy to leave that space before you move your mass into it." That's how basic their request is and yet the people on the platform still try to rush onto the train.

Those people must hate it when they're trying on shoes and there's some paper stuffed down the toe end. "No, I won't take the paper out first before I put my foot in. Bring me the size 14s!"

If our future safety is dependent on our ability to follow rules, we're all in trouble.

Before the pubs were forced to close we had been advised not to go to them, but in London you could see people out drinking every evening. And if they drove there I bet they didn't even follow the arrows painted on the floor of the car park.

We've all eaten a microwaved meal that tells you it needs 4 minutes, a stirring, and another 4 minutes but we don't follow that rule. We put it on for 8 and eat a dish that's somehow too hot and too cold at the same time.

The rule is, "Do not use cotton buds in your ears." And yet we all do. Why are they making so many cotton buds if people aren't using them in their ears?

We know that speeding kills so a rule telling us to keep below a certain speed is good for us and yet a record 2.02 million speeding tickets were handed out in England and Wales last year, according to figures from collated by the Home Office.

The only rule I agree with breaking now is the one we're old on the London Underground. They have signs that say, "Always hold the handrail." No. I'd rather take my chances with gravity than pick up whatever germs these train rushing, arrow ignoring, bad microwaving, fast cotton budders have left on there.

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[Audio]: Good news for hand sanitiser users.

Here's another little thing that'll be on the radio show tonight.#panicbuyinguk #coronavirus #handsanitizer 🎧
I may end up doing little sketches like this just on social media for the next few weeks, if you'd be up for that. pic.twitter.com/pw4W4xjnZU

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 20, 2020

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 | 📕 READ (the ebook)
 | 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
 | 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up) - Currently cancelled. That's corona for ya

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Cameron's Bread Defence

Some people annoy me. There, I said it.

I did a joke on Twitter about the headline on The Times. They went with, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron", and I said, "He's right. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere."

Someone took umbrage with that, and by the look it is, the problem they had with me was because I said, "He's right." I agreed with David Cameron.

They didn't see that those two words are needed to set up the joke. It can't go, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron. He's over-privileged, entitled scum. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere." That just doesn't flow. If it's part of a joke you really shouldn't take it too seriously. If someone tweets, "Two bears walk into a bar," you don't have to try to find out which bar and call animal rescue. It's a joke. Even if you don't think it's funny, have the sense to recognise the format and go with it.

But it made me realise, some people are so blinded by party politics that they ignore the logic of what you say just to focus on their hatred of the people you're talking about. So, in honour of exactly those people I am going to do something that I don't think has ever been done on this website since it started, I am going to defend David Cameron. See, stupid people, look what you made me do.

David Cameron was asked in a radio interview if he knew the price of value bread, and he got it wrong. He said he didn't buy that bread as he "has a breadmaker". And he does. She's called Svetlana and she's on minimum wage.

But why is it a problem that he can't remember the prices of items in the shops? There's little to be gained by making our politicians play a version of Supermarket Sweep. We don't even get to see Dale, so it's pointless.

It's not like you'd ever need to send David Cameron down the shops for you. He'd be a terrible choice for that task. This is a man who leaves his own children in a pub so he'd definitely forget some items from your list.

And if he actually does go to the shops to buy bread I'd be the first to say, "Oi! Cameron. Get Tesco to deliver this stuff, you're meant to be running the country." So, he doesn't know the price of bread and I say, so what? That's not the reason to judge him. There are many reasons, but that's not one.

There we go, defending David Cameron. Next time, people on Twitter, read the context as well as the content, or I'll have to say nice things about Boris Johnson, and that could hurt me more than it hurts you.

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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep7

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this one we look at UFOs, Boris Johnson's return and celeb cocktail making.

Here's episode 7.



If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.

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