Trump To Detergent Coronavirus

Donald Trump has done it again. He is so often right that it should come as no surprise that he has done it again.

In a White House briefing he suggested we do some research into whether detergent could be used as a treatment for Covid-19, by injecting it or using it to clean the lungs.

A little bit of research shows that he’s right. Bleach will kill the virus. Sadly it will also kill other thing, like the people who have bleach injected into them. That means that bleach could be used to get rid of the virus if you’re OK with getting rid of the person too. It won’t help your death rate graph but it will flatten that infection rate curve.

By the same logic we should look into arsenic, strychnine and anthrax being potential ways to kill the virus.

He also said we should see if UV light could be used to kill this coronavirus. Again, he’s right, if we’re talking about being a vampire instead of coronavirus. They are easily confused; they both involve staying indoors all day.

As much as it’s funny that the most powerful person in the world has said this, it’s a worry that some Trump supporters will follow this advice. When it was hydroxychloroquine, people took it, risked some complications, but it wasn’t too bad. It was also harder to get hydroxychloroquine. Everyone has bleach at home, so it is a worry that people will try it.

Some will cruelly call this natural selection in action, but don’t be so smug. If Trump causes a rush on bleach, how am I going to buy mine to clean the loo? I had enough on when I couldn’t get loo roll. What is it about this pandemic that seems to be attacking our bathrooms?

I shouldn’t have to point it out but don’t drink bleach. And to be fair, Trump wasn’t saying we should drink it. He wasn’t even saying we should use it externally. He would never put bleach on his skin and ruin that perfect fake tan. And if he does, getting some of that UV cure could help. See, I knew he’d make sense.

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[Video]: Here's some video content about coronavirus cures

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Will We Turn The Coronavirus Tide?

On what feels like Day 172 of the Corona Crisis (we're actually about a week in), we finally heard some good news from our Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson has said he is "absolutely confident" that the UK can "turn the tide" of the coronavirus outbreak in 12 weeks.

Don't get me wrong, 12 weeks is a long time, especially if you're having to spend most of that time trapped at home with your relatives. It's a well-worn phrase, "You can pick your friends, not your family," but you don't get locked down with the people you'd pick, do you?

No one has factored into the projected death rate the number of people done in because they said, "Right, where shall we go today?" everyday during a quarantine.

There is a caveat. The Prime Minister said we could turn the tide "if" we stuck to the rules set out by the Government. Oh dear. I'm not sure we'll do that. We don't seem to be good at sticking to rules even when they are for our own good. We can't keep BMW drivers out of the motorway lanes with a red X on them even with a wide reaching radio ad campaign.

We are a nation of people who need to be told, every time a Tube train pulls up, "Please allow passengers off the train before you board."

The platform announcers may as well be saying, "Please obey the laws of physics. Allow mass that is occupying the space that you would like to occupy to leave that space before you move your mass into it." That's how basic their request is and yet the people on the platform still try to rush onto the train.

Those people must hate it when they're trying on shoes and there's some paper stuffed down the toe end. "No, I won't take the paper out first before I put my foot in. Bring me the size 14s!"

If our future safety is dependent on our ability to follow rules, we're all in trouble.

Before the pubs were forced to close we had been advised not to go to them, but in London you could see people out drinking every evening. And if they drove there I bet they didn't even follow the arrows painted on the floor of the car park.

We've all eaten a microwaved meal that tells you it needs 4 minutes, a stirring, and another 4 minutes but we don't follow that rule. We put it on for 8 and eat a dish that's somehow too hot and too cold at the same time.

The rule is, "Do not use cotton buds in your ears." And yet we all do. Why are they making so many cotton buds if people aren't using them in their ears?

We know that speeding kills so a rule telling us to keep below a certain speed is good for us and yet a record 2.02 million speeding tickets were handed out in England and Wales last year, according to figures from collated by the Home Office.

The only rule I agree with breaking now is the one we're old on the London Underground. They have signs that say, "Always hold the handrail." No. I'd rather take my chances with gravity than pick up whatever germs these train rushing, arrow ignoring, bad microwaving, fast cotton budders have left on there.

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[Audio]: Good news for hand sanitiser users.

Here's another little thing that'll be on the radio show tonight.#panicbuyinguk #coronavirus #handsanitizer 🎧
I may end up doing little sketches like this just on social media for the next few weeks, if you'd be up for that. pic.twitter.com/pw4W4xjnZU

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 20, 2020

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Is The Superdrug Antibody Test Worth It

Near the start of this coronavirus crisis people were saying we need to “test, test, test”.

Now we are seeing a new level of testing that completes at least one of those three.

Superdrug is selling an antibody test. That means it is the test that shows if you have had the coronavirus in the past. Seeing as Covid-19 can happen without the sufferer showing any symptoms, if you have had no symptoms recently, this test could be for you.

The fact that you can get it from Superdrug means you can pick one up as you’re getting your false nails and pregnancy tests. You’d imagine people would be happy about this but they have been upset by the price tag. You can get this test for £69.

The test itself apparently costs pennies to produce, so there is a large mark-up, but that’s how shops like that work. I’m sure it doesn’t cost much to make mint shower gel but they charge several pounds for it.

The Original Source ones boast that they contain 7,927 mint leaves. Round it up and put 8,000 in, you tight gits.

It is a bit steep. When I heard that Superdrug were asking nearly £70 for each test I thought, “What do they want, blood?!”

Then I read more about how the tests work and realised, yeah, they do - a small sample of it.

Many people are upset that we are not getting the tests for free on the NHS. It’s important to remember, you don’t have to have one of these tests. They only tell you if you were ill with coronavirus in the past. The fact that you’re not currently on a ventilator or dead should tell you it wasn’t that bad.

At the moment the scientists aren’t sure that having the antibodies will mean you’ll be immune to the virus. If that’s the case I’m not sure why we bother making them. If they’re just hanging round in our blood and not keeping us safe they’re just making us weigh more. And I do not need help in that regard.

If you pay £69 for this test and you find out that you had the virus the only thing you can do with that information is bring it up in conversation. And for a chance to talk about ourselves we’ll probably stump up the cash willingly.

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Prince Philip Speaks To Corona Workers

Prince Philip has praised the key workers helping to fight the coronavirus. That is a sentiment that you have to agree with. These people are working so hard to save lives. Surely no one could sit around and rib the Prince for what he said.

Well, you’d think that, but I do have a lot of spare time on my hands.

It’s nice that he sent a message to the NHS workers, but he doesn’t need them. He must get the finest care available from the top private people. That’s like some royals Zoom messaging some state schools. *Remembers that exactly what William and Kate did last week*

They’re mocking us. It’s like posh people talking about how much they love going to Aldi for the wines.

The prince praised the "vital and urgent work" being done by key workers. And I imagine he added that he was sorry he couldn’t be there in person to add some racially dodgy comments to the nurses himself. It’s not the same if he doesn’t. It’s like booking Rod Hull and him turning up without the emu.

If Philip wants to make some dodgy comments he should act quickly. When these people are wearing the correct PPE, with the masks and eye protection getting in the way, it’ll be hard to work out what thing you shouldn’t say. That PPE could arrive at any minute, so now is the best time for him.

The thin, white Duke wrote the message to mark World Immunisation Week.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that was a week. For me, every week is an immunisation week. Normally I would be in favour of anything that rubs it in the face of the anti-vaxxers but I have started to feel a little sorry for them. They have been oddly quiet. With experts rushing to find a vaccine for this coronavirus it is a bad time to be talking about how you don’t like vaccines.

The Flat Earthers can believe what they want and no one dies from falling off the Earth, but being an anti-vaxxer during a pandemic is tricky. I suppose it is a akin to living during a famine but being the kind of person who goes on about the 5:2 diet.

Philip is currently following self-isolating and social distancing guidelines along with the Queen at Windsor Castle. I have never lived in a castle but it must be hard to not self-isolate. You could get lost in a wing and avoid humans for days. When you live in a one-bed flat, it’s more of a challenge.

So, he took time while sitting around at home to publish a message about the current situation. That’s basically what I’m doing with all the podcasts and videos I’m producing.

The only difference is, people actually care what he has to say. So yeah, turns out I can’t really mock him for it.

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[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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Are You Really Safe From Coronavirus On The London Underground

There is a lot of misinformation out there about coronavirus. There must be. That’s why a recent poll found that 38% of beer-drinking Americans say they won't order a Corona because of the virus.

When bird flu was in the news did they swap which brand of powdered custard they bought? Probably.

It’s like the ignorance we had in the 80s but this time you can catch this illness from heavy petting and toilet seats. You’re more likely to do some heavy petting or spend time near a toilet seat if you have had lots of Corona lager to drink, so maybe they have a point.

I am all for averting a panic but I’m not sure about what the London mayor has been saying. Sadiq Khan has said there is ‘no risk’ of people catching coronavirus while travelling on buses or trains in the capital.

No risk? Has he been on the Tube? It feels like there’s a risk of catching things they haven’t been discovered yet.

There are loudspeaker safety announcements that tell us, “Always hold the handrail.” No way. I would rather take my chances with gravity than risk catching whatever lies on that dirty rubber band.

Mr Khan said it is “important we don’t spread panic or alarm”. I agree, but don’t promise too much. OK, the air is so thick and toxic down on the Underground that there’s a chance the virus is killed off as soon as it is sneezed out, but can we be 100% sure?

The thing about the Tube is that there are lots of people on it, around 5million use it everyday. And a lot of those people are dirty gits. You can be sat there, reading your copy of the Hackney Gazette*, minding your own business when you hear someone start coughing and you see they’re not covering their mouths.

They might as well be going round licking the metal poles. People would still get ill but at least the poles would get a bit of a clean.

Some have tried to reduce their chance of catching corona on the Tube. There have been pictures of people wearing one cup from an old bra over their face. Don’t do that in public. That’s the kind of thing to enjoy in the privacy of your own home.

There was one man who wore a Tesco bag-for-life over his head. It might stop you breathing in germs but only because it’ll stop you breathing. Even children know not to put plastic bags on their heads. That bag-for-life won’t have to last long to fulfil the promise in its name.

There are still relatively few cases of people with COVID-19 in the UK so the odds of contracting it are very small. There’s no need to make your own hazmat suit but don’t promise there’s no chance of catching it on the Tube because that would imply it’s safer down there than everywhere else. And if that's true, the rest of the world needs a deep clean.

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*Where you can read my newspaper column

[Audio]: A look at the hygiene advice we’re getting with COVID-19

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Coronavirus May Cause... Possession

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already. We have this Coronavirus thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it.

We also have the threat of murder hornets. Basically wasps that can kill. You think a normal wasp can ruin a picnic. It’s even worse when you have to carry back a full hamper of food and a corpse.

Now we have to worry about possessions. Not as in, “Please keep your possessions with you when you leave the train.” You shouldn’t be on public transport in the first place, you dirty git. It’s demonic possessions.

Exorcist and Buddhist priest Paul Devlin says that the “negative energy” created by the coronavirus pandemic is a “breeding ground for demons”.

On the bright side, I am already avoiding people, so if a few of them become controlled by evil spirits, at least they won’t be doing it near me.

This Paul Devlin chap apparently knows what he’s talking about because he has seen off some demons in the past. His said his first case was someone who had pointed teeth. And now everyone is wearing a face mask, they could all be on the turn and we can’t tell by looking.

In an interview with a tabloid newspaper Paul said that people in self-isolation may have negative emotions and those emotions could entice malevolent forces in. For some it may be the only way to get some company. It’s just nice to have someone to chat to, even if they’re chatting back ancient Aramaic.

I’m not sure if you can get an exorcism via a webcam. Will reading out an incantation in Latin still work if you’ve got yourself on mute? There are more questions than answers.

There may be a good point here. Negative thoughts and emotions are bad for us and they can be easily found during the lockdown with its isolation and worries. So here’s a bit of good news to help in the fight: “Don’t worry. None of this possession lark is real.”

Phew. Feels better already.

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How To Mock Trump Now

What is a satirist to do with Trump?

The news that the President of the United States of America has contracted the coronavirus has left some of us in a difficult position.

Even though we have had to see some pretty shocking news in recent years, most of the topical comedians are still human. You know, deep down. When you hear the news of a man in his seventies contracting a virus that can be fatal to people in that age bracket, you have empathy.

Science tells us that the virus is really tough for those who are overweight. Now, some say Donald Trump lies about his height to bring his BMI down but viruses don’t check paperwork. It’s another reason show concern for someone who is ill.

If we were only listening to the angel that pops up on our shoulder that would be the end of it. But the devil on the other shoulder loves to point out the hypocrisy. When a man who has belligerently said the coronavirus would be gone by the summer catches it in autumn, it’s worth a mention.

When someone who has recently said publicly that COVID-19 affects “almost no one” gets affected by it, how can we not sarcastically say, “So you’re calling yourself a no one?”

He held rallies where his supporters defiantly refused to wear a mask. That’s because the wearing of a bit of fabric over your breathing parts as a small effort to help everyone else has become a political issue.

It was surprising as Donald has been known as a germaphobe for quite some time. Most germaphobes would like people to wear masks even when there’s no pandemic but the political capital to be gained by making the “do-gooders” seem bad was too tempting. And look where it’s got him.

Even the most sympathetic commentator must find irony in the man who said to use bleach as a cure is now in a hospital using proper drugs suggested by proper doctors. He suggested putting UV light in the body. Did he try putting a sunbed lamp up his botty before trying real drugs?

Just as the poetic irony of the situation starts to entertain there will be a ping on my phone from a news app telling me that doctors say the next 48 hours will be critical for him. That jolts me back to thinking that no matter what point of view someone has held, you shouldn’t make light of something that could cost them their lives.

Show sympathy. That can’t be wrong. And just as soon as I start to think that social media shows me the conspiracy theories that he doesn’t have COVID and he’s only doing this to get out of the future debates. His current narrative is that his opponent Joe Biden is old and frail. If Trump can claim to have had a case of the tough COVID but walked it off in a few days he can look fit by comparison.

Now I don’t want to fall into the trap of giving sympathy if it’s not due but I don’t want to accuse someone of pretending to be ill in case they go on to die.

There was another conspiracy theory that claimed the President was hiding a secret oxygen tank about his person and using a mask to cover the nose attachment. Several mainstream media outlets have claimed that’s nonsense but I remember someone saying those outlets peddled “fake news”. I wonder who could have said that?

What about all of those Trump supporters who claimed that coronavirus was a hoax? Do they see the contradiction of their position or do they think this proves that people can catch made up illnesses. Be careful when you pretend is real, some people could catch that. I’m terrified that I might come down with a case of The Phage from Star Trek Voyager.

I haven’t noticed many Trump supporters saying sorry for thinking this virus that killed over one million people was a hoax. They are too busy saying that Trump critics shouldn’t mock him. They ask how the left would like it if it was one of their figureheads who got ill. Maybe people replied with the clip of Trump mocking Hilary Clinton after we heard she had pneumonia. Even more hypocrisy.

Donald has been rude about people with illnesses and dismissive of the disease he now has. His actions may well have led to more people catching this potential killer. And yet, I still don’t want to mock him. He’s an old man who is ill.

Donald, get will soon, so we can get back to pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

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At Home With Steve - Corona Updates

As part of a new feature for radio, I have been recording audio diary updates around the house each day during the lockdown.

You can hear then below.

Day 1

Here's a new little radio bit I'll be doing #AtHomeWithSteve
Have a listen beneath 🔊 Spread the word!#lockdownuk #coronavirusuk #StayAtHomeSaveLives #workingfromhome pic.twitter.com/Zs8d2ABwMR

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 23, 2020

Day 2

Here's today's #AtHomeWithSteve. Coping with #lockdownuk, #coronavirusuk and #SportsDirect
You can hear these on the radio, evenings on #TDKS with @DominicKingBBC on @BBCRadioKent 📻#StayAtHomeSaveLives #workingfromhome pic.twitter.com/jZA87jGxQd

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 24, 2020

Day 3

It's Day 3 on my little radio feature #AtHomeWithSteve🏡.
Today #coronavirusuk #lockdownuk and Jodie Whittaker#StayAtHomeSaveLives #workingfromhome pic.twitter.com/CzlPVESl2j

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 25, 2020

Day 4

Here's the last #AtHomeWithSteve of the week with some #selfemployed news, some #clapforourcarers practice and #Dyson
It's hope I'm doing with the #CoronavirusLockdown pic.twitter.com/MUHM1tDmSJ

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 26, 2020

Day 8

Right, I'm off to bed. Had enough for a Monday.
I'll leave you with this, Day 8 of #AtHomeWithSteve#coronavirus #TheLockdown pic.twitter.com/mPLnxixEfA

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 30, 2020

Day 9

And now it's time for the little feature from the radio where we get to hear what I get up to during the #coronavirus #lockdown
It's #AtHomeWithSteve Day 9 🔊 pic.twitter.com/wumdj2iyc9

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 31, 2020

Day 10

Here's today's #AtHomeWithSteve - the radio fun no one knew they need, and they may have been right. 🔊#coronavirus #StayAtHome pic.twitter.com/AjMJNiub83

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) April 1, 2020

Day 11

Last #AtHomeWithSteve of the week 🏡#CoronaLockdown pic.twitter.com/YSDEchkvOL

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) April 2, 2020

There will be more in the future. To get them follow @mrstevenallen on Twitter.

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[Podcast] Corona Special 2 - Conspiracies, Bats and Royals

It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 2. (If you missed the last episode you can get it here)

In this podcast:

The coronavirus continues and maybe a podcast can help. In this week’s episode we look at the conspiracy theories and fake news being spread on the internet, we ask, “What can we learn from bats about how to cope with it and does sleeping upside down help?” and coronavirus on the ISS?

We also catch up with broadcast legend Jonny Gould about how to home-school.





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The Traffic Light System - Our Way Out Of Lockdown

At the moment, no one knows when the lockdown will end. That is part of what makes it so hard. Not knowing is always a challenge. For some of us. There are some people who seem to take not knowing things to an extreme level, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today.

Right now it is important to remember that, while we don’t know when it will end, we know that it will end at some point. These rules won’t stay in place for the rest of civilisation. We can’t go within two metres of people we don’t live with. If that rule stayed in place we’d stop reproducing within a generation. Yes, webcam sales would go through the roof, but we won’t be repopulating the planet.

In the UK, the Government has released some details on how the end of the lockdown could go. A phased release of the rules to get us back to normal.

They have introduced a traffic light system of red, amber and green. But these things never actually go by the traffic light rules. We won’t have red and amber at the same time telling us we can get ready to go. Amber won’t flash. They don’t think these things through.

RED PHASE

First up, “Red Phase”. I think it’s called that because of the Red Room in Fifty Shades. You’re allowed to do some things in there but there’s a very high chance you’ll be punished still.

In it we will see schools and hairdressers reopen. It’s a shame about the hairdressers. I’ve been enjoying all the tweets by people who are in desperate need of a trim. I was hoping that by the time the lockdown is removed people would walk out of their homes like the end of a 1970s sci-fi film.

The details say that in this stage the public will still be urged to avoid non-essential travel. That’s actually a good rule for life. If you don’t need to be anywhere else don’t go. That way you spend less time travelling and don’t end up where you don’t need to be.

AMBER PHASE

Then we move onto “Amber Phase”. That sounds like a woman in a Scissor Sisters tribute band.

In this phase companies with fewer than 50 staff can reopen. This is the first problem. After the big companies have laid people off they’re probably down to this classification now, and it also mean, if you work for a company with 51 staff. Ooooh, bye bye.

It says, “Restaurants will be allowed to take customers while taking action to limit person-to-person contact.” I presume that means they have to serve everything with onions and garlic.

During this stage, people on public transport will be told to wear masks. I think that’s right. I don’t know if masks help stem the transmission of the virus, but you look at some people on public transport and think, “Christ! Cover that face!”

GREEN PHASE

Ah, finally, we will get to the “Green Phase”.

Gyms will reopen, which means people can stop running like they have been every day and go back to being less fit in the gym.

Pubs will open too, and maybe the stand-up comedy world will come back to life and I can spend less time writing on here. See, we all win.

They say the pubs will have some restrictions but they don’t specify them. I’m hoping it will be based around keeping people apart at the bar. Maybe a queuing system. Yes, coronavirus has caused massive upset, but if it ends the system of people crushing to the bar and someone getting served before me, at least it has some positives

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[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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Are UK Police Overstepping The Coronavirus Rules?

Are the police going too far in their actions to enforce the lockdown?

Even in the face of all the news stories about those overstepping the mark, mathematically the answer is no. The vast majority of the police will be working with the new rules very well. The shame is you only hear about the times when people have something to complain about.

People love complaining about the rules under which we are living. Conservative MP Jack Lopresti has said it's wrong that churches remain closed when off licences are open. To be fair, you don't spend as long in an off licence as you do a church, and while you can get wine and a wafer in both, the ones you get from the off licence are sealed and you don't share them with others.

We have to understand that the rules need to be policed but the police need to keep us onside.

Northamptonshire Police chief constable Nick Adderley had said his force was "only a few days away" from "marshalling supermarkets and checking the items in baskets and trolleys to see whether it's a legitimate, necessary item".

He's taken that back now, and I have some sympathy. I love having a look in people's baskets but only to judge then, not fine them. I very much enjoyed the panic buying days where you'd see people buying 3 litres of milk and 24 toilet rolls and you'd think, "If you're lactose intolerant just buy almond milk."

Why are some police thinking it's OK to check our shopping? Who's to say what is essential? We can all survive without vodka and biscuits but they're the main way many of us are getting through this lockdown.

The police should be careful about their image. If people start to think, "Ah, so now there are fewer speeding fines raising money they're fining people for leaving the house," the nation will start to resent the rules that are in place to save us.

We have also seen an increase in police stopping people to ask about their reasons to be out of the house. This may be the best part of it, because it has upset the kind of people who have spent years talking about the unfairness of stop and search saying, "If you're not doing anything wrong why would you mind being stopped," and now they don't like having to answer to the police. At least some good is coming out of this.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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Should We Wear Face Masks At Work?

Should we wear a mask or not? This is becoming the coronavirus-related issue I struggle with the most.

What I liked about the Covid-19 pandemic – and you have to go some to find the bits you like about a pandemic – was that we had put our trust in the experts again. After Brexit had made us thumb our noses at anyone foolish enough to actually do the learning, there was nothing like the imminent fear of death to make us like experts again.

We trusted the profs. Boris trusted them. Boris stood within two metres of them to do some press conferences.

On the issue of masks, the experts told us we didn’t need them. They said that they weren’t proven and that they didn’t filter out things as small as a pesky little RNA-filled bag of protein like Covid-19 so what would be the point?

I believed them because they were the experts. For a small second I thought to myself, “Isn’t Covid-19 spread in aerosols of breathed out spittle, so the issue should be the diameter of those rather than the size of a virus? But whatever man, they’re the ones with the qualifications.”

Then the news told us that countries that had forced their people to wear masks out of the house were doing better than us with lower transmission and death rates. Now our papers are telling us we may have to wear masks when we go back to work.

That is going to be quite a culture shock. After three weeks of lockdown I am not sure I’ll get used to wearing trousers again, let alone wearing something new.

Yes, having the lower part of your face covered will make it easier to pretend to be interested in meetings. And yes, making everyone wear a mask will spare us from the Darren from Accounts and his wicked bad breath. But there are downsides too.

Anyone who reads lips will take this personally.

Remember, if we have to wear face masks, the key is to wear them on our faces. I see so many people with the mask pulled down around their chins because they’re talking on the phone. Wearing a face mask on your chin is like wearing a condom on your balls.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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12 Reasons You Can Leave Your House Under Lockdown

I'll never forget where I was when I heard the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson tell the nation we were under lockdown because of coronavirus. I was sat right here. I haven't moved since.

We had been previously told about social distancing, washing hands, not going out and self-isolating and it wasn't enough so Boris came into our homes. Thankfully via the TV because, as it turned out, he was infected with it.

He told us the four reasons you could leave you home but when greater detail was publish there are 12 reasons you can leave them home, so I thought we'd take a look.

1 - Shopping for basic necessities, for example food and medicine, which must be as infrequent as possible.

We haven't been given clarity on what counts as a necessity. If we use the same criteria as Waitrose's Essentials Range it includes things like lardons and ratatouille provencale. How frequently do we need those? I've made it to this age without buying them once yet, so the data is still pending.

2 - One form of exercise per day, for example a run, walk or cycle – alone or with members of your household.

Surely no one is doing that. If you're spending 23 and a half hours a day in the same house as someone and they say, "You going on a run? I'll come with you," they're trying to push you over the edge.

3 - Any medical need, including to donate blood.

Again, it could be a good way to get some time to yourself. You may not have been a blood donor before but if it gets you some alone time and biscuits it's like best day out available at the moment.

4 - To avoid or escape risk of injury or harm.

That one makes sense. It wasn't on the original list of four but if you were stood there as your house was falling down shouting, "No, I can't go out, I've already done one jog today," you'd be silly.

5 - To provide care or help to a vulnerable person.

I'd imagine that's not only for those who have to look after a relative. If you open your door, see someone has just been hit by a car, you don't point at the door frame and shrug your shoulders at them while mouthing the word, "Sorry!"

6 - Travelling for work purposes, but only where you cannot work from home.

Yes, there are some jobs that you can't do at home. People always list things like baristas, but I'm not sure about that one. Surely you could make a coffee at home. Come on, try harder.

7 - To move children under 18 between parents’ home if they do not live together.

The parents may have lived together at the start of this lockdown, but as time goes on there'll be an exponential graph somewhere that shows you how many break-ups there have been.

8 - Key workers and parents of vulnerable children can leave to take children to and from school or to their childcare provider.

Of course. That makes sense. When we heard the schools were shutting we knew they were still open for some children. How were they supposed to get there when the lockdown came in? Tunnel?

9 - To move house, but only if it’s unavoidable.

Oooh, loophole. If you want to go to see friends just buy their house off them. They can't touch you for it.

10 - To attend a funeral, but only when it’s a member of your household or a close family member. If the deceased doesn’t have any family attending, you can attend as a friend.

Also a possibly loophole but it would involve you killing someone off just to get to see then and maybe that would lead to an even bigger fine, I haven't looked into it.

11 - To attend critical public services – such as social services, support for victims, support provided by the Department for Work and Pensions.

That one feels very specific, almost like it was added by Thérèse Coffey in case she needs to pop out for some reason.

12 - To fulfil legal obligations when physical attendance is absolutely necessary.

So if you want more than one trip out a day, go and get yourself some community service.


And that's the full list that was published. After reading all that I think I'll stay in and have a nice sit down.

➡⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

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[Columns] What Is Essential Shopping During Coronavirus Times

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we defend the shoppers who are doing nothing wrong. Click to have a read.

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[Columns] Strictly Come Coronavirus Dancing

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we look at new of how Strictly Come Dancing is following in The Mash Report's footsteps and finding a way to film. Click to have a read.

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[Columns] How To Work From Home During Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one I look at some tips from for working at home, seeing as I have done it, and secretly loved it, for years. Click to have a read.

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Coronavirus Masks Are The Fashion For London

You know me, I follow London Fashion Week as much as the next man, as long as the next man is a Northerner who has worn the same outfit for the last twenty years.

Normally there are weird outfits that you know you will never see anyone wearing. Some model will parade along the catwalk in a shredded bin liner with rabbit foot keyrings attached and electrical tape on their nipples and that’s meant to be what everyone will be wearing next year.

OK, if Brexit hits hard maybe people will be wearing bin bags but who is going to bother with the tape? It’ll pull the hairs out when you remove it.

This year that won’t be a problem as some models have been wearing something that you can already see on the High Street. They’re wearing face masks.

Maybe I’m out of touch but I don’t look for the latest trends when I am buying a face mask, I just look for the one that will stop me catching the latest pox. Am I “soooo last season” if mine still says SARS on it and not COVID-19?

It’s like what my parents would say when I had to wear a cagoule, “It doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you’re dry.” They were right. I wasn’t fully dry because of all the tears caused by the bullying I received for wearing that cagoule but at least I didn’t get the rain on me.

A fashion face mask might not be as good as a standard one. Have you seen what fashion has been doing to jeans lately? They used to have a few rips in them when distressed jeans became a thing but now it’s more rip than jean. You see some people looking like they have just narrowly survived a werewolf attack.

You do that to a face mask and you’re catch whatever is going.

Of course, there is every chance that the people at the London Fashion Show aren’t wearing them to look good and maybe it’s because a fashion show brings together people from all over the world so could easily spread viruses but I wouldn’t know. As I said, if it’s not jeans and a shirt I have no idea what fashion is.

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It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas

It’s finally become clear. This wasn’t about 5G or Bill Gates secretly creating coronavirus so he could get us Googling for things on Bing. This was always about the pandas.

The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.

Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.

With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.

Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.

They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.

➡Read the source story

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[Columns] How Are We Coping With Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, events may be cancelled, elections will be, toilet roll has never been so wanted, here is a collection of recent newspaper columns I have written on the topic. Click to have a read.

In the Hackney Gazette I tried to find the positives for introverts during this difficult time.

In the Barking and Dagenham Post I talk loo roll and other essential supplies.

And in the Swindon Advertiser I tackle the issue of panic buying. I tried to get people to stop. Judging by the look of the shelves in the shop, I need to work harder.

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[Columns] Has Coronavirus Taken Your Sense of Smell

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we find the upside in one of the effects of getting it. Click to have a read.

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