Seasonal Bomb Terror Threat

Many people have been celebrating Halloween. It's a strange holiday, where we dress our kids up and teach them how to take sweets from strangers. It's like a home delivery service for kiddie-fiddlers.

And it's too American. The proper British thing to celebrate at this time of year is Guy Fawkes Night. And some people are keeping with tradition. Just the other day someone tried to blow up an aeroplane.

First there was the shoe bomber and after that if we wanted to fly we had to take off our shoes. Then came the pant bomber and after that we had to take off our pants. (I go to a very disreputable airport.)

And now someone tried to blow up a plane with a printer cartridge. Great, now if we want to fly we'll have to take off our printers. And that's a shame because when I check in online I always forget to print off the boarding pass.

It wasn't the first ink cartridge to fill people with terror. Have you seen the price of the Lexmark ones!


Charlie Sheen Drunk & Naked

Charlie Sheen was found drunk and reportedly naked in a New York hotel this week.

Let's be honest, it makes sense. You wouldn't want to be drunk and naked at home. You're the one who has to clean up.

Sheen was taken to the hospital "in the company of a female, unharmed."

Are they pointing out that the woman was unharmed? Steady on, he's not Mel Gibson.

Sheen was removed from the scene for "for alcohol abuse and psychological evaluation".

They thought he needed psychological evaluation not because he was drunk, heck we've all been there. No, they thought he needed psychological evaluation because he thinks 'Two And A Half Men' is funny.

>Read the source story


Rooney Holiday Update

According to the Daily Star Wayne Rooney has splashed out £2,000-a-night on a hotel room while he's been on holiday and £25 on chicken nuggets.

That is an expensive nugget. Still, the last time he spent money on some cheap bird she went to the newspapers.

They went to Dubai to celebrate his 25th birthday. But you know what they say, you're as old as the woman you feel. So when he gets near a brothel he's eligible for a Freedom Pass.

Meanwhile The Sun reports that while on holiday Wayne and Coleen have been rowing.

He's probably in a bad mood because he won't be enjoying that holiday. Because of his recent indiscretions he won't be able to do what most men do on holiday with their partner; wear sunglasses and look at other women.

It's not being unfaithful because you're only looking. It doesn't break the "why go out for a burger when you can stay at home and have steak" rule. But sometimes, it's nice to look at the burger menu.

Basically, you go on holiday, wear shades and sit there checking out the buns.

>Read the source story

Germany Goes Nuclear

The Wall Street Journal's front page has a rare picture of the man who does the fake tan on The Only Way Is Essex.

These are actually protesters who are upset that French nuclear waste is being disposed of in Germany. At least they tell Germany that they are dumping waste there. When they send their waste to England that just put it in bottles and add a label that says Merlot on the front.

The Germans are upset because something undesirable from France has invaded their country. Seems like even Stevens.


Wayne Rooney's Break Away

Looking at the front page of The Sun today we have to ask one question: "What do Dubai and India's Commonwealth athlete's village have in common?"

They both have shits in the pool.

Wayne Rooney celebrated his £250,000-a-week pay deal at a luxury hotel in Dubai.

He gets caught having affairs, he holds his club to ransom for a pay rise and then he nips off for a holiday. Tut.

He stayed in the seven-star Burj Al-Arab Hotel. Rooms there cost £1,300-a-night.

Before he had that pay rise he could only afford £1,200 for a night.


Dragon's Den James Caan Tries To Buy A Baby

a topical comedy audio bitForget Cash4Gold, there's an even better deal out there. Dragon's Den star James Caan offered to buy a family's baby when he was in Pakistan.

We analyse the story in a little audio piece below. Have a quick listen.


>Read the source story

Brand & Perry Do A Beckham

Russell Brand and Katy Perry have reportedly taken some wedding inspiration from Posh and Becks.

What, he's going to give it a few years and then start text-flirting with his PA?

No, the couple, who are to marry this weekend, are apparently going to be sitting on giant thrones.

Erm, maybe they're taking inspiration from, I don't know, THE QUEEN!

Let's not live in a world where people think the Beckhams invented the thrown.

I like the idea of picking a fancy chair to sit on for a wedding. Firstly, it's better than standing up through the ceremony and secondly, if you get to pick the type of chair, I'm going to have a big Jimmy Savile chair. And when they say, "Do you have the ring?" I'd press a button and it would come out of the arm.

This Bacon Smells Fishy

A cafe owner has been ordered to rip out her extractor fan after complaints about the smell of bacon cooking. Council officials told Beverley Akcicek, 49, the smells were "unacceptable".

What! I thought it was universally agreed that the smell of bacon was the best smell in the world. Even some vegetarians say the smell of bacon nearly turns them back to the dark side.

The smell of bacon makes vegetarians act like former smokers. They get that look in their eye like they want to fall off the wagon. Some of them become 'social bacon eaters'. They never buy a pack themselves but they always ask for a rasher when you're out drinking.

Yep, we all agree that the smell of bacon is great. And yet, when I took my bacon perfume on Dragons Den...

>Read the source story


New War On Cheap Alcohol

Shocking headline - New War On Cheap Alcohol.

Bad idea. I can't even order a kebab correctly when I've been on cheap alcohol, so trying to run a war on it seems doomed.

This is the plan for local authorities to block cheap alcohol offers at supermarkets in a move to tackle violence and anti-social behaviour.

Show me a queue in a supermarket when someone who buys cheap booze is trying to do just that and some pleb with a name badge is trying to tell them they can't, and I'll show you a scene of violence and anti-social behaviour.

Besides, if you want to reduce violence and anti-social behaviour just stop footballers going out at night.

(And on the same front page the headline: The secret behind Flexible Felicity's splits. I imagine the cheap alcohol helps.)


Tasty Chile Miners

Cannibal minersSaturday's Daily Star says that the Chilean miners thought they might end up eating each other to survive.

Some people think that's disgusting but they would've been underground for a long while. They'd be like veal.

It's amazing what you'd eat if your life depended on it. It's very easy to sit with our bellies full and say it's wrong but we don't know how bad things would've been. After weeks of starving you'd be willing to eat the meat of another human. After a few more weeks you'd eat the offal. And after a few weeks more you'd finally give in and finish up the Pot Noodle you took down there with you.


The Chilean Mine Theme Park?

You thought the Star Wars merchandising was bad, the Chilean mine disaster now has spin-off ideas. The front page of The Star suggests the mine where the men were trapped for 69 days will re-open as a theme park.

Really? If you want to pay over the odds to get stuck a few miles down in cramped conditions with other people sat listening to their iPods... travel on the Piccadilly Line.

The one good thing about this idea is that it was called the San Jose mine, so when you ask for directions you'd get to sing it.

We're going mad for this story. I also saw in the paper that since the rescue the number of bottles of Chilean wine we have been buying has shot up as people have been celebrating with Chile-themed parties.

That's typical of us. We follow some other country's culture at the drop of a hat. They got 33 miners out of that mine - big whoop! Let's not forget, Margaret Thatcher got all the miners out of our mines when she shut them down. Anyone for an 80s-themed party instead?


The Chilean Miners Come Out

It's been a great day of TV. I've watched the none-stop coverage of the Chilean miners' rescue. I haven't seen this many people who look like they have just been dug up since I watched Last Of The Summer Wine.

You know how the TV signals go out into space? If aliens are watching they'll be thinking, "Those Earthlings are weird. They don't give birth to their young they dig them up."

They were basically using a one-man lift to pull the trapped miners out. It means it has been taking about an hour to bring each person out.

Still, it's better than having to spend an hour with someone else in the lift with you. They'd have a musac version Girl From Ipanema playing and someone would probably break wind and you wouldn't know who to blame.

So far they have all come out OK and they seem healthy. However, the best story from the newspapers is this one from the Telegraph.

"Chile miners rescue: miner asks wife and mistress to greet him"

Ouch! Looks like it won't be long till he's back underground.

>Read the source story


Larger Women Express Themselves

From the front page of the Express, we're not talking about a tax that will make well off people pay a little bit more (oh, the suffering) or the 'storm over X Factor' (as if one singer called Cher with a weird face wasn't enough). We're not even going to talk about the news story on the top left of the front page that mentioned British sportsmen and the word 'snatch' (hardly a surprise).

Look at the top right. The Express promised to tell is "Why Curvy Women Can Live Longer".

Just guessing here but is it because they're less likely to get an STD?

It's an odd story for the front page. It's clearly not big news so the Express only put it there because they thought larger women would see it and want to buy their paper to find out more. Clever marketing.

Or is it? That headline is really saying, "Are you someone who is carrying more weight than you want to? Do you feel down about your size? Envious of thinner women? Bad luck, you have to suffer with that for longer."

Newsagents probably didn't sell more copies of The Express but the sales of Galaxy chocolate bars went through the roof.


Bomb Under Olympic Site

Today's Express has the headline, "Bomb Under Olympic Site". I thought, "That's a great idea. It's one way to make sure the runners go for record times. On your marks, get set... there's a bomb!" But the next line ruined that idea. It's not even a new bomb. It's a Second World War device that currently lies where the Queen and world leaders are to gather. That's just typical of Hitler. The scheming little git. It could be very disruptive for the Olympic games. But it would've been good for the Commonwealth ones. If a bomb went off there it could do millions of pounds worth of improvements.


Common-unhealth Games

Just when you thought the Commonwealth Games couldn't be more of a disaster, the organisers have had to investigate the water quality at the event's swimming venue in New Delhi following reports that competitors had fallen ill. And by fallen ill we mean... the shits. Yep, it wasn't just the track athletes who were doing the 100-metres dash. They're just having the standard experience of any Brit abroad. We always get the runs. If they lose their luggage on the flight back and buy a stuffed donkey it would be like every holiday I've had. Swimmers from Australia and England were among those hit by stomach viruses. That's bad luck. Of all the events swimming is the worst one to do if you have the squits. If you're a runner and you crap your pants you can just about get away with it. At the very least you'd run away from the smell. If you're a swimmer you'll leave trail behind you. I bet the synchronised swimmers on the front of today's FT are grateful for those little nose clips they wear.
>Read the source story
Have a listen to the stage version of this post by clicking here

Strictly Come Again

Strictly Come Dancing contestant Peter Shilton says he'll have to up his game if he wants to avoid an early exit on the show. The former England goalkeeper says he'll be well prepared for his salsa because his dance partner Erin Boag's a lot like legendary manager Brian Clough.

What? A drunk northerner with a big red nose. She's not Kim Marsh!

It's not polite to compare a woman to Brian Clough. If that's how footballers talk to women no wonder Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney had to pay for sex.

Peter Shilton was a great keeper so I hope he stays in the TV show. I hope he gets to the stage where he has to catch his partner. His old reflexes will kick in and he'll catch her with style. But the same reflexes will make him take a step forwards and kick her to the half-way line.


Cameron Needs You

We have wanted to know how Prime Minister David Cameron planned to get this country out of its financial troubles. What would he do to plug the massive spending gap? The front page of today's Telegraph tells us. His missus is shopping at Asda. She's doing the little bum tap they do in the ads. That's means we're quite poor but it'll be OK. If he even sends her to Lidl we're screwed. He gave a "Your country needs you" speech and said, "It takes two to build that strong economy." He also said, "It takes two to build that Big Society." And that's the beauty of a coalition, there are two of them. Sounds like they won't need our help.
>Read the source story


Cheryl's Death Threats

Today we see the headline: Cheryl Death Threats. I thought, "On no. Has she been having a go at the toilet attendant again?" But no, as it turns out the story is about Cheryl Cole getting the death threats. It's all because she sent Gamu home and put Cher through to the next stage of X Factor. Some people are saying that Cheryl is racist but I don't think that's fair. I'm sure she'd hit toilet attendants of any creed or colour. She sees anyone who's beneath her as all the same. One threat carried the terrifying warning: "Every1 has a bullet for you. Wat u have now done is f*** up every white girls lives who's silly mothers dat named der child cheryl. Cuz I'm just going to f***** bang drop dem and dey won't even know why." That is just shocking. Can't anyone use proper grammar these days? Tut! The best bit in the newspaper is where they reprint part of the death treat. The author of the note talks about Gamu but calls her Gambu. The newspaper people want to reprint the error but they don't want you to think it was their typo, so they use a well known annotation. They put: "I've never felt like dis over xfactor until u told gambu (sic) she is not going to the live show." And all the kids reading that are thinking, "Yeah, dat's right. She is well sic bruv!"
>Read the source story


Wayne Rooney's Fingers Do The Walking

Wayne Rooney flew to Prague with his wife Coleen by his side. That's nice. It means she has taken him back and trusts him again. Or it means she doesn't want to let him out of her sight in case he does it again.

Coleen was going to the Czech capital to film an ad for Littlewoods. Wayne seized the chance to join her but the romantic gesture did not get off to the best start - he was only able to get a seat sat apart from his wife.

I don't know why she was worried. Even in business class there's not enough room in front of an airline seat for a proper lap dance.

It's nice that they're making a go of it but there are still some bits of the story that seem odd. Have a listen below to see what I mean.

>Read the source story

The Banks That Like To Say, "Damn It!"

This is one of my favourite headlines. "Banks Hit By 7,000 Complaints Every Day"

That's just shocking. I'm not shocked that we have rubbish banks. But we have a rubbish postal service. 7,000 letters get through every day! Bloody hell.

The banks have been criticized for poor service and giving bad advice. I think the bigger problem is that if they send you a letter to let you know you have done something wrong, they charge you £30.

We send them 7,000 letters a day telling them what they have done wrong. That's £21,000 a day. £76,650,000 a year they owe us. Still, it would be £76,650,000 of our money so it seems pointless.

To make it a little more even, the next time I write them a letter of complaint I'll do it with a pen that's chained to my own desk. See how they like that.


There Ain't No Party Like A Nigel Kennedy Drugs Party

Two people have been arrested for drugs offences when German police raided a party hosted by violinist Nigel Kennedy. Police found evidence that cannabis had been smoked on the premises. What was that, Twix wrappers? In The Night Garden still playing on the telly? People wearing the same T-shirt for weeks without washing it? (I'm getting so old.) Officers found no evidence of criminal activity in Kennedy's suite, but are understood to have found equipment used to smoke illegal drugs in rooms rented out by other guests at the party. Hmm, trust him to be on the fiddle.
>Read the source story


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