Cowell's Back... Well, His Front Actually

Front page of the Daily Mail is border-line porn. It's a celebrity with a low-cut top revealing way too much of their chest, just as some paparazzi cameraman takes a crafty picture.

Yup, Simon Cowell got his moobs out for the lads.

I always wondered why men wear ties. Now I think I know.

Simon is back for the Britain's Got Talent live semi-finals and he is going all out trying to get publicity. Why, he'd even give the short off his back. He's half way there already.

Cowell took to the stage mere hours after it was confirmed that Cheryl Cole star would not be a judge on this year's UK X Factor after being sacked from the U.S. version too.

But in his defence, big white smile, massive cleavage... what did Cheryl offer that Simon can't do himself? And there is a recession on.

Given that Cheryl was sacked from the American version, Dec didn't help matters by asking, "Can you understand my accent Simon?"

Although the fact that Simon said, "Erm... 7:30?" didn't really prove his point.

>Read the source story


Cheese Rolling - Cheese-Stick It To the Man!

Cheese rollingIt's the time of year when people in the South West normally throw themselves down a hill after a piece of cheese. If someone told them that you can also get cheese in shops they'd be so much happier.

But it is something of a tradition. It makes throwing a goat off a Spanish tower seem like a sensible idea, but you can't mess with tradition. Or can you?

The health and safety people stepped in and said that the event couldn't go ahead. What, just because some people break limbs all of a sudden it's not safe? Tut. It's political correctness gone mad. Or, 'political correctness gone sanity-limited', as it the politically correct way of saying it.

But hundreds of thrill-seekers have flouted the health and safety rules to take part in an ‘unofficial’ cheese rolling contest.

Yeah. Stick it to the man!

I was on radio on the Bank Holiday so I offered the chance to show the health and safety people that we don't care about their rules, but doing cheese rolling live on air. Have a listen below...

Or listen here

>Read the source story

Ladies Are GaGa For Baby Food

Lady GaGa's rumoured 'goo diet' has allegedly caused a dramatic rise in sales of baby food.

This is her diet where you basically eat what a baby would eat. I am assuming that's only babies who have stopped breast feeding. Ew, there's an image.

Since sources close to the singer indicated that she substitutes meals with infant puree while on tour, supermarkets have reported a surge in such products.

A baby food diet for someone with her surname is rather fitting. I bet she's glad she isn't called Donald Trump.

According to grocery website Ocado, sales of Heinz Mum's Own Creamed Porridge have risen by 100%.

Heinz Mum's Own Creamed Porridge? So it really is breast milk?

They also report that pasta and spaghetti bolognese purees have increased by 87%.

Health experts have warned that the diet could be dangerous.

Well if this diet is dangerous, forget Lady GaGa, why are we letting innocent little babies eat this stuff!

>Read the source story

Weekly Bin Days Return

Weekly Bin Days ReturnThe Telegraph goes with: "Deal to restore weekly bin days".

Well, thank heavens for that. I don't even produce that much rubbish but I keep losing track of which week we're on. A mixture of me not paying attention and the bumper crop of bank holidays have meant I still have Easter eggs boxes wating to go.

The Government is to announce a deal under which councils will be offered financial incentives to collect household rubbish every week.

I thought they already were, it's called getting the council tax to do the ****ing jobs they're paid for.

But we'll pay council tax to fund the collections than we pay tax to the Government which will go to the council to incentivise them to do the job right. And after all that, at Christmas the bin men will still want a tip.

More than half of councils are thought to have abandoned weekly bin collections over the past few years, depriving more than 18 million people of the service.

It's the bin version of saying, "Don't flush, I want to go." If you do that once in a while it's fine, but if you don't flush every other time you use the loo you'd be scum.

Originally the Government wanted local authorities to scale back collections to once a fortnight, in an attempt to force households to do more recycling. But the scheme backfired and led to an increase in rat and insect infestations along with a rise in fly-tipping.

By the way, that's not like cow-tipping where you sneak up to a sleeping cow and push it over. You can try doing it with a fly but they're pretty alert.

>Read the source story


Carole Caplin Denies Sex With Tony Blair

Today in the Telegraph - "Carole Caplin: I didn't sleep with Tony Blair"

Good. Neither did I, and where's my free publicity because of it?

This is the "lifestyle guru" Carole Caplin who has denied having sex with Tony Blair after giving him a massage.

It was awkward, drawn out and there was no happy finish? Sounds just like his war in Iraq.

Miss Caplin insisted that she was not "some sort of sexpot or randy masseuse" and had not engaged in any "hanky-panky" when she gave massages to the former Prime Minister.

He didn't look like the kind of PM who would receive sexual pleasure after a massage. Gordon Brown, however, looked like he was getting touched every time he spoke. It was that jaw thing he did; it looked like he was near the end.

Miss Caplin made her extraordinary denials during libel proceedings against a newspaper in the High Court in London. She is taking legal action over an article that questioned whether she was planning to "blow the lid on Tony and Cherie Blair's sex secrets".

Good. I really don't want to know any sex secrets of the Blairs. This could be the only case of someone, who isn't linked to the story, takes out a super injunction.

>Read the source story


Cheryl Cole Is Ex-X Factor Judge

Cheryl Cole has been sacked from the American version of the X Factor...

...because she's worth it.

They took her off the show because of fears the Americans wouldn't understand her Geordie accent.

Hang on, if we're banning things because some Americans won't understand it, they'll need to get rid of good spelling. Maybe that's why it's called X Factor, it's like some of their signatures.

To be honest, there were many times when I didn't understand her on the British version, but every reality TV show needs a Geordie. If it's not Cheryl on X Factor it's Ant and Dec on Britain's Got Talent. You need someone who, when they say the word 'country', should have to be bleeped.

In a interview before the show started (see below) she said "I'm always uncomfortable with the word 'judge'."

That's a shame, as it was one of the few words people understood.

She added: "I don't want to be 'judging' them."

Well, looks like you've got your wish.

>Read the source story


Barbecue-rack Obama

Good news. It seems that our special relationship with America now includes popping round for a barbecue. That's good. Before we weren't sure if we were that close. We thought it was all about work and they didn't want to hang out in their spare time. Maybe this relationship is special after all.

The Obamas attended a barbecue at Number 10 Downing Street, and it really showed up the power differences.

It was Barack and David Cameron who had the job of cooking the meat while the wives were left in charge of the salad. And Nick Clegg played on the swings.

That is so typically sexist, though. The men are the hunters and the women are the gatherers. There's something about a barbecue that brings out the caveman in the men. "Me man, me cook meat. You wo-man, you do veg, until I no cook sausages properly, than you turn on oven and fix!"

If Waitrose did a wilder beast steak we'd buy them to make the barbecues even more manly.

I don't know why men think it's more mainly to do the meat. While the woman are skilfully using knives the men were staring longingly at a small round sausage. That's not so butch.

>Read the source story


Denmark Bans Marmite

Denmark Bans MarmiteMarmite has been banned in Denmark.

At first glance it's hard to work out why they would do it. My guess was they they banned Marmite to end that over-used cliché, "It's like Marmite, you either love it or you hate it." But not everyone despises clichés like I do. I guess they're like Marmite... D'oh!

But the savoury spread has been taken off the shelves in Danish shops as part of a clampdown on foods fortified with vitamins and minerals.

They're banning foods because they contain vitamins? Who voted for this, teenage kids?

Marmite is high in B vitamins and fortified with folic acid. Danish authorities imposed the restrictions to protect customers from exceeding safe levels of nutrients in their diet.

Who the hell could overdose on Marmite? Most people hate it and those who actually like it can only stomach a thin scraping, about 6 atoms high, on a piece of toast.

Way before you ate enough for the B vitamins to affect you, the amount of salt you just had would've finished you off. But they won't ban foods with salt in them or their bacon industry would collapse. They'd still have their construction industry left. Well, Lego, but it's close enough.

Even if Marmite is bad for you, is banning it the right move? Surely it will go underground. People will start on Twiglets but it's a slippery slope. They'd soon be hooked on Marmite, selling their ass for a piece of the brown stuff. Now there's a bad phrase to end on.

>Read the source story

Ryanair Wants To Fly In The Ash

The i reports how Ryanair chief Michael O'Leary still wants to fly his planes in the dust cloud.

That's what I like about Ryanair, they're always trying to cut costs by stripping things away, and now they've taken basic safety. "Ah, will ya be wanting safety with your flight? Right so, that'll be extra, so it is."

He has claimed a test flight his company carried out proves the 'red zone' of high ash concentration was 'non-existent, mythical and a misguided invention'.

Just because you can do something once and get away with it doesn't mean you'll always be safe. Or many Roman Catholic families would have fewer children.

It's all the fault of those pesky Icelanders again. They Grimsvotn volcano erupted and the ash is causing us problems. It's not the first time something like this has happened and let's not forget Iceland also just decided they didn't want to repay all the money they owed us. After we put up with all their s**t and they still didn't give us 12 points in the Eurovision.

Planes have been grounded because of the ash cloud but Ryanair said it was time to resume normal services after its one hour flight at 41,000ft over Scotland revealed 'no evidence' of ash on the airframe, wings or engines.

I love that we check the sky above Scotland for any traces of dust. It's like pay back for what Aggie MacKenzie from Kim and Aggie has done to us.

But the Civil Aviation Authority said the Ryanair plane had not in fact flown into the 'red zone' after its flight path was studied on radar.

No, it flew somewhere that was miles away and you had to take a 3 hour coach ride to actually get to the red zone. It is Ryanair after all.

>Read the source story


Podcast 16 - Ken Clarke, Super Injunctions and Bin Laden

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 16. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The breaches of the super injunctions
Bin Laden's demise
Ken Clarke's big mistake
And the return of The Apprentice

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Ken Clarke Is Sorry (But Not For The Right Reason)

Ken Clarke has managed to get himself in the news for rape. And this is at a time when Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in the news (Former leader of the IMF – you know, the band that did You're Unbelievable*), so it's no mean feat.

It was a classic piece of PR suicide. The Government had a new plan to give people who plead guilty up to 50% off their sentences. Like a Blue Cross sale of crime.

Instead of being honest and saying, "We're doing it to save money. If you plead guilty and save us the expense of all that court nonsense we'll let you out early. You scratch my back... Bosh!"

But someone had the idea using the example of a rape to make us think it's a nice, kind, warm and fluffy piece of legislation. By giving incentives for guilty pleas it would spare some victims of rape the horror of the trial.

All good spin so far. That was till he want on the radio to talk about this. The host pointed out that with a 5 year sentence, 50% off, good behaviour and early release programmes that guilty rapist could be out in just over a year.

Now, instead of saying, "We have a legal system where judges can pass sentences to make sure what you just described never happens," he phrased it more like, "I don't think you get 5 years for a proper rape."

"A proper rape," "a serious one," "you know, a good, old-fashioned, jumpers for goal-posts..." OK, he didn't say the last bit but he might as well had. What an idiot.

Don't get me wrong, there has been idiocy on both sides of this argument. On the day it happened there was someone on the news who actually said, "I think it's terrible that Ken Clarke can say that some rapes aren't as serious as others. All rapes are serious. Some are even more serious."

Since it all kicked off her has apologised on nearly every TV show going. (I'm still waiting for him to pop up on The Weakest Link. "Ken, what R is a crime with no varying degrees of severity?")

He went on Question time and said: "I obviously upset a lot of people by what I said and I'm sorry if I did, by the way I put it."

But you know what, not once has he said sorry for trying to use our empathy for rape victims to sell us their idea to save money in the courts and prisons, freeing up much needed cash for duck houses and moats no doubt.

>Read the source story

* Not really. If you see Dominique Strauss-Kahn don't shout "You're Unbelievable" at him, it won't help his trail.


Rooney Fights Fan

Today on the front page of The Star it's:

"Furious Rooney Threatens To Knock Out Fan"

Really? This is news? He only threatened to knock him out. Let's remember what Ashley Cole did. If no one gets actually shot it's not news.

This is because Wayne Rooney got into a war of words with a fellow Twitter user.

Of all of the different types of wars, one based on words seems like the war he has the least ammunition for. Now, a war of keepy-uppy, that's something he could do.

It was an odd Twitter back and forth. Wayne actually told his adversary that he would have him "asleep within 10 seconds".

Is that a threat of a fight or is he taking him to a Kevin Costner film.

In Rooney's defence this nutter of a fan called him a "fat whore" on Twitter.

There is no need for that. Wayne is not fat!

>Read the source story


More Pippa Middleton's Bottom News

Pippa Middleton is set to have a day dedicated to her bottom.

What, Darren Day? He's got previous.

On September 9th, the Friday after Pippa's 28th birthday, the tens of thousands of people who have joined Facebook societies dedicated to her bottom will be devoting a day to admiring her curves.

I'm not sure what we're meant to do on Pippa's Bottom Day. On Pancake Day we all have some pancakes, so on Pippa's Bottom Day, she's going to be busy.

The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Day was the brainchild of Jimmy Wevell, who described it as the time when Pippa will join the 'buttocks hall of fame'. So far over 150 people are 'attending' the day.

That's the depressing thing about this whole story. Her bottom has more friends than I do. And more people want to 'poke' it. Actually, that last bit isn't so surprising.

>Read the source story


Pippa Middleton's Pant Problem

The Middleton family have taken action to have pictures of Pippa Middleton in her undwerwear withdrawn after the racy photos of her appeared in the US press this week.

Thank god it wasn't Kate's pants who were shown in the papers, or loads of kids in the Far East would have to knock up copies of those, and they've only just finished doing the dress.

The Middletons were reportedly 'furious' at the 'betrayal' of friends who had taken the pictures, then sold them to photographic agencies.

Hang on. Forget being upset by friends selling the photos, why are friends taking pictures of your kids in their pants? That's wrong. You can tell your daughter is all grown up when friends actually want to sit through pictures of her bath time.

Poor old Pippa. She was propelled to stardom by her role as maid of honour as Kate married Prince William, and by the figure-hugging dress that made her bottom a Facebook hit.

I'm sorry, but if you can become a friend of someone's bottom on Facebook it shouldn't be called Facebook. That's not a face. It looks like it's smiling but it's not a face.

>Read the source story


No To AV

The Guardian says "No to AV..."

It's a shame because the Guardian liked AV. It was one thing in the news they couldn't spell wrong.

They say it was an "Overwhelming 'no' vote in AV referendum."

I was hoping for a 'Yes' after what David Cameron said. He said that AV was more complicated that the first post the post system. Good. I think voting should be complicated to stop stupid people having a say.

With the AV system you'd put numbers in boxes to order your preferences. I think that should be linked into a Su Doku. If you can fill it in you can get to have a say in the running of the country.

It makes it a bad day for Nick Clegg. Not only was the change to AV rejected but the Lib Dems didn't do well in the local elections. They get about as many votes as a Britain's Got Talent contestant who hasn't had a recent death in the family.

The Guardian also says it's a 'yes' to trouble after the SNP won overall control of the Scottish parliament. Why is that trouble? It's good that they could have a referendum on independence for Scotland.

The only thing I think isn't fair is that it's only the Scottish who'd get to vote in it. Why don't they ask the rest of the UK? Ask us if we want to vote them off the island.


Podcast 15 - The Royal Wedding Special

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 15. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

It's the Royal Wedding special, looking at the TV coverage, the after-wedding party and some high-ranking interviews. We also take a look back at our coverage of the run up to the wedding.

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Imogen Thomas Super-Injuncted

Poor old Imogen Thomas. She is the woman who had an affair with a footballer and when they split he took out a super injunction so she couldn't sell her story.

What! How is she supposed to make any money then? She put the time in, sleeping with someone who graces the back pages, so when does she get paid for it?

Not that I'm saying people who sleep with married footballers try to sell their story. *coughs - Wayne Rooney - coughs*

And not that I am saying she is the kind of person who tries to get famous for doing nothing. *coughs - she was on Big Brother - coughs*

In some ways you feel sorry for her. The only other person who's famous for a super injunction is Andrew Marr. Some people who only skim the news might think she slept with him. Ouch.

And she has been looking for sympathy. She was on This Morning crying a while back, and now in her interview with Zoo Magazine Imogen said: "I've taken a lot of abuse. I've been called a whore, a sl*g, everything."

Well, that's what some footballers say when you're in bed with them.

But I don't want you to worry too much. Yes, she can't sell her story about her six month affair with a married Premiership star, but it's OK. She's been selling her story about how unfair it is that she was hit with the super injunction. Sorted!

>Read the source story


Breast Milk Cheese

New Yorkers sample breast milk cheesePeople in New York can try breast milk cheese. It sounds more like a medical condition than a foodstuff but they're selling it at a New York gallery.

The Lady Cheese Shop is a temporary art installation by Miriam Simun, a graduate student at New York University who hopes to use the craft of cheese-making to raise questions about the ethics of modern biotechnologies.

So it's more of an art thing than an actual eatery. That's why we were told not to play with our food, it ends up like this.

Simun said: "Cheese is the conversation starter. Some people are loving it, and some people are gagging."

I know it's fine but it makes me feel a little queasy. It's made from milk from other humans. It's like a vegan version of cannibalism.

Why are we seeing this fascination with breast milk? It's not just the NY Man Cheese, there's a place in London that sells ice cream made from human milk.

How long till this craze goes too far and a private IVF company brings out the human omelette?

>Read the source story


Swearing Is Good For You

The British Psychological Society has new research that says swearing could be good for your health.

If that were the case Gordon Ramsay should heal like Wolverine.

It also explains why Popes always look so old and unhealthy.

The research found that a group of people who swore rarely were able to withstand pain for 45 seconds longer while swearing than when they weren't allowed to swear.

Don't tell people this. The Government will use to for more NHS cut backs. If you're in paid they won't give you morphine, they'll just prescribe two f***s with every meal.

And with my cooking you already get that.

>Read the source story

The Royal Honeymoon

The Daily Mail tells us: "£4,000 A Night Honeymoon."

That doesn't seem so expensive. Wayne Rooney would spend £1,200 a night before he's even paid for the room.

It must be difficult for them. Most people will a balding Englishman and his posh brunette partner and instantly think, "It's Kirstie and Phil doing their Vacation, Vacation Vacation show."

So, while the Daily Mail is saying that the new royal couple are spending 4-grand a night on their honeymoon, we also hear that they're only having a couple of days away.

How bad is this recession that even our monarchy can't afford 10k on a holiday? Maybe they should sell off old thing that they don't use any more. Something that the Americans like and no one over here will miss. You know, just like they did with Fergie.


Royal Wedding Party Update

The Sunday Mirror has details of what happened at the late night palace party following the royal wedding.

Harry got emotional. Well, that happens when you're drunk. It doesn't matter how emotional he got, as long as he didn't dress up in his favourite 'uniform' and try to invade Poland, it was a good party.

The paper also says William only danced with his new bride for 30 seconds. They say you can tell what a man is like in bed by the way he dances, so that's bad news for Kate.

Although they must have a good sex life really. You don't get hair like William has without the friction from a headboard playing a roll.

And the newspaper says they were having Crack Babies till 3 in the morning.

That's the one thing Wills and Harry have in common with the people who go on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Well, that and the fact they could really use a DNA test.


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