Hmm, Bacon Shaving Cream

Men. Are you tired of shaving with normal shaving foam and smelling clean and fresh after? Then look no further.

A company has started making bacon scented shaving foam. Finally! Now I have something I can use to get rid of those strange hairs you get on pork crackling.

J&D's Foods has made what they call a 'high end, luxurious bacon-scented shaving cream'. The US business added that you should use it after a hot wash or prior to a date with your potential soul mate.

Good point. For years Lynx has boasted of the 'Lynx effect' where the smell of your bodyspray attracts women who run to you and want to have lots of sex. In a double-blind scientific test, it didn't work. I got slapped in the face.

But if you smell of bacon, you will attract women. Large, hungry women, but still, they're women. And if you attract hungry women by smelling of bacon you feel OK. If you attract hungry women when you smell of Lynx Africa, you get such first world guilt.

Justin Esch, the 'inventor' of the strange shaving product, said: "There is nothing more powerful than the smell of bacon, nothing. Bacon is the smell of champions."

Is it? I did not know that. I can only imagine that Stratford in London must've stunk of bacon all summer. Any vegetarians getting off the Jubilee line must've been filled with regret.

The bacon flavoured shaving cream is available for around £9. Although there's a recession on, so some Poundland shaving gel, a bag of Frazzles and some imagination, you can get the same effect.

>Read the source story

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Thief Gives Toilet Rolls Back

Here's the headline that caught my eye: "Toilet Paper Theft Repaid At New Mexico Uni"

I thought, "There's a toilet paper thief? And I bet the police have nothing to go on."

I know, that doesn't quite make sense. That would be a toilet thief, but it's such an old joke and sometimes you lose accuracy with age.

What happened was, a university graduate, apparently feeling guilty over a student prank years ago, has sent a box of toilet paper to repay his alma mater for all the bog rolls he stole from a dormitory.

He wanted to wipe the slate clean. Well, not just the slate by the look of it.

The box contained five packages of 16 rolls of two-ply, septic-safe tissue - a total of 80 rolls. The story didn't say how many he originally stole, so I don't know if he paid them back with interest.

The anonymous writer apologised for stealing bathroom tissue years ago and said a new dedication to Christian faith led to the deed. The handwritten message read: "Years ago when I was a young immature college student I took toilet paper from your dormitory as a prank. I apologise for that and offer this case. Jesus Christ has made such a difference in my life and has prompted me to repay for any sins I've done even from so long ago. God Bless and Merry Christmas."

That's interesting. It's not the first time that the toilet and religion have been linked. It's where most Americans go to pray. Well, with the lack of fibre they have in their diet I bet they sit there saying, "Oh god, oh god!"

>Read the source story

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Film Review: Safety Not Guaranteed

The problem with a lot of films these days is that they're better before you see them. The excitement I felt about going to see The Amazing Spiderman was way more than I felt while I was watching it. And the film I thought I was about to see as I drove to the cinema to watch Looper was a fantastic action-packed sci-fi film filled with a clever time-paradox plot. What I saw was OK but adding telekinesis in was a bit of a cheat.

So it's rare to find a film that's the other way round. I had no idea what to expect when I went to see the screening of Safety Not Guaranteed, but with a title like that I was worried it was going to be 94 minutes of my life spent watching good looking American teens getting killed. Thankfully I was way off.

It's a film about some people who work for a magazine and go to a small coastal town to investigate a strange chap who thinks he can travel back in time. He puts an ad in a local paper looking for a time-travelling companion.

When the film starts it has a feel of "too cool for school", that kind of attitude where irony outweighs effort; Ben Fold's Five's "Battle of Who Could Care Less" type of deal. It's from the producers of Little Miss Sunshine, so you know the kind of vibe I mean. So right from the start I knew it wasn't going to be a dumb film of teen beauty slaughter, it was going to be witty and clever, but even that was an underestimation.

Aubrey Plaza plays the main character, who along with her boss (Jake Johnson) and co-intern (Karan Soni), heads out on this bizarre mission. Some of the scenes with those three were packed with sharp and witty dialogue. Before we were 20 minutes in there had been enough laughs out loud (LsOL?) to chalk this up as one of the funniest films I've seen in a while.

When they meet up with the emotionally damaged potential time bandit (played by Mark Duplass) the laughs gradually become fewer but still keep coming.

The gaps between the comedy is filled with some delightfully cute moments of awkwardness. And it's not just the relationship between Plaza and Duplass, Johnson's boss character meets up with an old high school flame, and even though he thinks she's let herself go a bit, he bonds with her in a sub-plot that is just as related to going back to your past as the time travel one.

If I were to try and find a flaw it's that the main character is meant to have been this unpopular geeky girl who wasn't in the A-crowd of good looking people (meant to be jealous of the Kristen Bell's of this world). But she's played by Aubrey Plaza. I'm sure every shopper at Forbidden Planet would think, "If only the unpopular nerdy girls where that hot in real life." But that's a thing that happens in films all the time, and you certainly can't accuse this film of being too Hollywood. Forget I said anything.

So, funnier than expected, deeper than expected, and better while watching than while driving to see it. That makes Safety Not Guaranteed one of the best films I've seen in a long while. I'm pleased it won the Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award at the 2012 Sundance Film Festival. Well deserved.


[Safety Not Guaranteed is released 26 December 2012]

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Eric Bristow Sues I'm A Celeb

Eric Bristow's manager is trying to sue the TV show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here. If his case is under the trade descriptions act, the fact that half of the people who went in no one had heard of, he just might win.

Apparently Eric's people are upset that he's been portrayed as a bully on the show and they say it's being edited unfairly. Eric faced a backlash after he made some comments that made Helen Flanagan cry. Although for the first 5 days everything made her cry.

Eric's son, James, said: "He's not a bully. He has a 21-year-old daughter himself, so would never be intentionally cruel to anyone else's." Yep, that's how that works. And that's why no middled father has ever slept with someone half his age.

Although, it's only editing, so the raw material actually happened. He actually said those things. It's not like they're using CGI to make him look bad. If there's a scene where he is really sarcastic to one of those blue people from Avatar, we'll know ITV have gone too far.

But editing can make a big difference. In the director's cut on Blade Runner Rutger Hauer comes across as a right knobhead.

>Read the source story

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The Name's Gaffney, Dean Gaffney

Soap star Dean Gaffney says he applied for a job with MI5. He wants to be in charge of keeping the country safe? Hmm, now might be a good time to emigrate.

To be a spy you have to be someone who doesn't stand out, someone that no body noticed. Hmm, maybe he's perfect after all.

The ex-EastEnder answered an online ad offering the role of Mobile Surveillance Officer with the secret service. He said: "I've got an enquiring mind, so I thought I'd give it a go."

And he's also good at telling lies, see the enquiring mind bit earlier.

He said: "I love spy films and the whole James Bond thing."

Oh god, he wants to be a spy because he loves spy films. Don't show him Iron Lady, or this country will be ruined.

He said: "MI5 put out an advert looking for people and I thought, 'How hard can it be?' Most spies spend their lives pretending to be people who they’re not. I do that for a living."

Oh, he's saying spies need to be able to act. You were in EastEnders mate.

The MI5 ad read: "Join us as a Mobile Surveillance Officer at MI5 and help keep people across the UK safe."

A Mobile Surveillance Officer. Oi, Gaffney, that doesn't mean you just watch people's smartphones you know!

>Read the source story

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Don't You Really Like It, Isn't It Really Wicked

A new survey came out looking at what motorists moan about the most. Apparently it's thing like white vans and cyclists. Unless that driver is near a petrol station, when seeing the price per litre will probably top that list.

The concept of finding out what people hate isn't just used in surveys. On Twitter the hashtag of #20ThingsIDontLike trended for nearly two days, which shows there's a lot of hate out there. In the spirit of such hate, here's #20ThingsIDontLike.

#20ThingsIDontLike 1: When a burp goes wrong and you nearly throw up

#20ThingsIDontLike 2: When people don't indicate at roundabouts. Oh, I'll just wait for no reason then!

#20ThingsIDontLike 3: Smalls "mind your head" signs you only see after.

#20ThingsIDontLike 4: When people say "should of".

#20ThingsIDontLike 5: When people say shtrong. It's strong! Connery, you get away with it. No one else.

#20ThingsIDontLike 6: When you nearly sneeze but don't. The day is ruined.

#20ThingsIDontLike 7: People who say I should watch Breaking Bad just cos I have a chemistry degree. We didn't cook meth!

#20ThingsIDontLike 8: Other people on public transport. So, basically "public".

#20ThingsIDontLike 9: When people talk over me. Did I hit a fullstop? Well shut the f**k up then.

#20ThingsIDontLike 10: Pigeons.

#20ThingsIDontLike 12: Nose whistlers.

#20ThingsIDontLike 11: Copying and pasting in the wrong damn order. Oops.

#20ThingsIDontLike 13: Loose Women. The TV show. The actually things are fine by me.

#20ThingsIDontLike 14: Me when I realise I'm tapping. (It's my worst habit. That and the meth)

#20ThingsIDontLike 15: When people stand in a shop doorway for a chat. Outta the way, cretin!

#20ThingsIDontLike 16: Most BMW drivers.

#20ThingsIDontLike 17: The rest of the BMW drivers.

#20ThingsIDontLike 18: Texts that say I'm entitled to PPI money back. I wish.

#20ThingsIDontLike 19: When I do a typo and it ruins everyhting.

#20ThingsIDontLike 20: Long lists.

#20ThingsIDontLike 21: When I go on too much.

>Read the source story

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SomeNews Live At The Leicester Comedy Festival 2013 [Ended]

The show has happened. Shame you missed it. If you want to see the festival show check out the Live Listings, or come along to a normal comedy club night when I'm playing a gig near you. Here are the dates.

---

Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews Live Show comes to the Leicester Comedy Festival 2013. But this show is with a difference.

It still takes the form of the show that's been to the Edinburgh Fringe and several comedy festivals around the UK. It takes a look and some of the stranger news stories and sees what we can learn from them, but this time there's an extra. The show is on February 14th, Valentine's Day. So we take a look to see what the news can teach us about relationships. How can the news make your love life better, and what advice does the news have when it comes to meeting that perfect someone? The SomeNews show will give you the answers.

The show starts at 9:30pm. The venue is Kayal, 153 Granby Street, Leicester LE1 6FE. It's only £6 per ticket (£5 concessions).

To book tickets call 08700 600100 or book your ticket online here. It's best to book, and please do so sooner rather than later, because you never know when they might run out.

So, come and see the live show version of this website, in a special Valentine's Day one-off. Past versions of the show gets reviews that said:

"★★★★★" - Love Fringe

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review

You can find out more at the Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival official website or book your tickets now here.

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Alcohol's Minimum Price

The UK has been suffering floods, we're in an economic down-turn and hospital superbugs are getting harder to kill. But the big news in Britain is... they want to charge us a little bit more for our booze!

The Coalition is about to publish its consultation on alcohol. It looks like we could be having minimum pricing; that's where there's a floor on how cheap you can sell a unit of alcohol for.

Really? Haven't we suffered enough? The Government have ramped up the price of petrol and now the price of alcohol. That'll really hit the pockets of hard-working drink-drivers... hang on...

David Cameron is in favour of setting a minimum price, but something tells me a millionaire like his doesn't get his Bollinger from Supercuts. It seems wrong for a government made up of "old money" rich people setting a higher price on alcohol that the rest of the country has to pay. At the end of a working week some people just want to enjoy a pint. Right?

Well, the minimum price they want to bring in is 50p a unit. Where the hell can you buy beer cheaper than that? The bars I've been to, you have to pay more than that to the guy in the loos who just hands you a paper towel.

The only sales that will be affected will be the supermarket offers where you can buy multi-packs of bottles for a knock down price. As it shows on the front of the i newspaper, special deals on alcopops will have to end.

Good. I don't like alcopops. When I was a young teen getting drunk I had to do it with lager and bitter. It tasted horrible but we put the work in to get our drunk on. These days the young folk can get drunk while having a lovely sweet drink. It's not fair.

Will the alcohol minimum price really stop the problem of binge drinking though? No. People will still want to get drunk and making them pay a little bit extra for their pre-loading drinks won't stop them. But it might mean they drink on an empty stomach, so they don't have to pay as much to get to the same level of drunk. And if that's the case, this is the first government policy that could actually make people eat less.

You've got to take the wins where you can get them.

>Read the source story

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Woman Weds R-Patz Cutout

Everyone seems to fancy Robert Pattinson. Well, apart from Kristen Stewart, she sometimes wants someone a little more mature. But in general a lot of girls fancy R-Patz.

And just let me point out, I'm from the north, so R-Patz is what we'd call two extended family members who have the name Pat. "Ey up, R-Patz are coming round for tea." And that would mean dinner by the way. It's like another language.

One woman called Lauren Adkins, from Las Vegas, has taken her love of R-Patz a bit far. She's getting married to a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Robert Pattinson. Hmm, good plan, right up till they reach the bit when he has to say "I do".

It's hardly the same. She's marrying a lifeless, emotionally unresponsive thing that's just the shape of a man. That's what he's meant to be like AFTER you're married.

She bought the cardboard Robert at a record shop in 2010. (And it took him 2 years to propose?) And don't worry, she's not deeply in love, Lauren is staging this wedding as a piece of art. She said, "The wedding is a performance art piece that is part of my thesis exhibition. It's a beautiful, escapist fantasy and I'm living it."

Well, I wish her luck, and it should all go OK, as long as she isn't spotted snogging a cardboard cut-out of director Rupert Sanders, director of Snow White and the Huntsman.

>Read the source story

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Olive Oil Penis Enlargement Really Doesn't Work

In Thailand, a 50-year-old man was forced to have his penis removed following a botched enlargement attempt using olive oil.

The big question is, extra virgin? He may as well be now.

The man had used an unproven method of injecting oil into his penis, having been told by friends that it would make it bigger. He injected olive oil into his penis. That's the total opposite to what Popeye was always trying to do.

The practice, which can also involves bees wax, silicone or even paraffin, is common in Thailand. That shows two things: (i) the level of medical knowledge must be low out there, and (ii) a lot of men there have small willies.

Oh, and (iii), you would want to eat one of his stir fries.

One Bangkok hospital reports that 40 patients a month receive treatment for side-effects. Who would've guessed that injecting cooking ingredients into your genitals was bad for you? And yet basting would be so much fun.

This 50-year-old man developed a severe infection after injecting his penis with olive oil over a number of years. So it wasn't just a one-off, he'd been injecting his penis with olive oil for years. Seems rather fitting that he lives in Bangkok.

A spokesperson for the hospital said, "It only brings bad results - people misunderstand. A woman will love a man not because of the size." Indeed, not only will a woman love you even if you are not well endowed, she'll prefer it that you stop using her cooking oil.

>Read the source story

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You May Never See Your Doctor Again

The Express has: "End of the Doctor's Surgery".

It says that face-to-face appointments are going to be a thing of the past. Looks like the doctors' receptionists have finally got what they always wanted. For years they have done everything they could to stop the patients seeing the GP. Many of us have had phone conversations that go like this.

YOU: "Hi, can I book an appointment to see the doctor?"
HER: "And what's wrong with you?"
YOU: "Well, that's why I need to see the doctor."
HER: "Is it an emergency?"
YOU: "I guess not. If it were an emergency I'd have called 999."
HER: "The doctor can't see non-emergency cases today. I can't book you in till next Thursday."
YOU: "But I'm ill now. I don't know if I'll still be ill by then. I don't know if I'll be alive by then."
HER: "Then you don't need an appointment. Bye" *click*

For some reason they thought their job was to stop people seeing the doctor, but now a bid to save nearly £3billion will slash the face-to-face appointments with a doctor and treating patients via computers instead.

Basically the plan to save money in the NHS is to have us Skype in to the TV show Embarrassing Bodies. I don't want to have to get my bits out in front of a webcam when I'm ill. I only want to do that when I'm looking my best. I have a reputation to uphold.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt is planning a technological revolution, a new system of "virtual clinics", where you get examined via iPads and Skype. What a great plan. I have a really sore finger, all I know to do is tap the app and... ouch, my finger!

Oh well, the great thing about that is, we won't need doctors' receptionists any more.

>Read the source story

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What Wine Goes With Chocolate [Wine Expert Interview]

We all know the basic rule. It's white wine with fish, red wine with meat and rosé wine with the annoying girls from work.

At Christmas it's not just a drink with a meal, you might have a little tipple at other times. And between meals you keep yourself going with chocolates. And that raises a question, "What wine goes with chocolate?"

It's a Christmas riddle that no one has ever managed to answer, well now we have. To get to the bottom of this I spoke to Clive Barlow, a Master of Wine. We find out how one gets to be a Master of Wine, what wine will go with what chocolate and what's the best way to indulge.

In the interview I am guided through a box of the Ferrero Collection, which includes the Ferrero Rocher, the Raffaello and the Rond Noir, with three different types of wine. To find out more, have a listen below.


Download the mp3

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What Do You Call A One-Eyed Goat?

Have you ever thought that life isn't fair? You're right, and here's the news to prove it.

In India, a goat has been born with only one eye. The poor thing. And it's a goat, so it doesn't even have a good joke name. Like, "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea."

What's this poor animal got? "What do you call a goat with one eye? Kid." Well, it's got one I.

The monocular beast was born on a farm in Perundurai, Erode district, and has been drawing crowds to the farm who have been paying the observe such a rarity. And that's not fair. The farm owner will keep all the money, how much do the profits do you think the goat will see? And if he does see it, it won't be in 3D.

And the poor goat will be confused with all these people crowding round it. It'll be thinking, "Why are all these people so close?" Or, "Why are all these people so big?" because it might get the depth perception wrong.

And just when you think you can't feel wore for this goat, there's another story in the news about a calf in China with two head. That's just rubbing the goat's nose in it, which is harsh, because that nose is right under his one eye. While the goat only has one eye, there's a cow out there showing off with it's four-eyes and it's two noses. And it has two heads, so it's twice as clever as the average cow.

The rare genetic mutation known as axial bifurcation can affect both animals and people. I don't like this cow with two heads but I thin I really wouldn't like a person with axial bifurcation. Nothing personal, I just think they'd be a bit two faced.

>Read the source story

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Man Vs Shark, Guess Who Wins

Some people have a fear of flying, some people have a fear of snakes, and some have a fear of sharks. Which is worst? Maybe it's the snakes because the film Snakes on a Plane would've been less dramatic if it were Sharks on a Plane; they'd just flop around a bit gasping for air. Although the dullest film would be the one called Flying on a Plane.

When you spend your time on dry land (or in dry air) it's easy to forget how terrifying sharks can be but here's a reminder. Scott Stephens was surfing off the coast of Eureka, California (ever noticed that when you swim in the sea there the sea rises by just a tiny amount? Never mind.), when a great white shark pulled him underwater.

It was an unexpected attack, and is technically a white-on-white crime so it's a shock it was covered in the American news. When a great white shark thinks of you as dinner what can you do?

Well, fortunately Scott fought back. He punched the animal several times before it let go. He won a fist fight with a great white shark. No one's going to mess with him now. He was described to be in "fair" condition by doctors and is recovering.

So, what's the moral of the story? Anyone who says violence solves nothing, this proves them wrong.

>Read the source story

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The Human Hairball

There are some things cats can do that we humans can't. Licking themselves, falling from a great height and landing OK, and being generally offish and self-serving and yet still somehow being loved.

But there's one thing that we humans can beat them at: furballs.

In India, a 19-year-old girl had a ball of hair surgically removed from her stomach that was 1.8 kg heavy. That's like nearly two bags of sugar, but obviously no where near as tasty.

Apparently she had the habit of eating her hair during lessons. How bad were the school dinners? Jamie Oliver needs to get over there. She's making Turkey Twizzlers look healthy. It's gross. Have you ever had a meal where you find just one hair? It totally ruins the whole meal. But she's scoffing down loads of the stuff.

What upsets me is that this woman had more hair in her intestines than I can grow on my head.

Unsurprisingly, eating hair and chalk isn't good for you, and it bunged her up, and I find that terrifying. Not only is it potentially life-threatening, but it also means you wouldn't get to read a newspaper.

She also used to eat chalk, and the hairball was a core of chalk with hair on the outside. I hope it wasn't just plain chalk she ate. I hope she eat different colour chalks, because you've got to eat your greens.

Incredibly, the hairball is not the largest to be removed from a patient in recent years. In November 2007, doctors in the US reported having found a 10lb hairball inside a woman's stomach.

And you know what that shows? The people in America really are greedy.

>Read the source story

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Liquor? Never Touched Her!

A liquor company has released a line of spirits said to have been poured down the chests of glamour models before being bottled.

Really? I'm not falling for that, like I fell for the card that said "genuine photo" in that phone box. Don't ask.

The limited-edition bottles of vodka, rum and whisky are being sold by German company G-Spirits for around £100 a time.

I'm not sure why having your drink poured over models' boobies is meant to make it taste better. If anything it'll have the taste of make-up, fake tan and self-loathing. And the models eat so little, if there are any nutrients in alcohol they'll be absorbed into the model by osmosis.

G-Spirits insists that the products are in keeping with public health department requirements, saying, "We pay high attention to a hygienic filling process, furthermore medical personnel is present to check it." They have a doctor on hand to check the alcohol running over pert breasts? Yeah, I'm sure he was paying attention.

£100 a bottle is a lot. So, always one for a bargain, why not just buy cheap store brand vodka and pour it over the chests of any glamour models you have at home? You're welcome.

>Read the source story

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British Bigfoot

If you live in Kent there's someone you should be afraid of.

And you're thinking, "Of course there is. Have you ever been to Chatham?"

But this is far worse. There's a Kent yeti. An apeman standing eight feet tall and with "red burning eyes" has been spotted lurking around woods in Tunbridge Wells.

Hmm, that description sounds familiar. That's how I described the assailant when I was mugged... by a 5'4" spotty youth.

Reports claim that a "hairy beast with demonic eyes" has been seen on the 200-acre Tunbridge Wells Common in Kent several times in the past six months. According to local community website Tunbridge Wells People, the Kentish Apeman, aka British Bigfoot, was first seen 70 years ago during World War Two, but has "now returned".

So they think he's over 70 years old, and still has all his hair? Now I really hate him!

Apparently the last sighting took place just three weeks ago on the edge of the woods when the "beast" roared, scaring off a man walking home through the woods.

That must've been terrifying. I'm guessing on the day in question, it wasn't just the bears that sh*t in the woods.

>Read the source story

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Emma Stone's Sex Tape

Actress Emma Stone is apparently worried because she made a sex tape when she was younger and it might get released.

Don't beat yourself up Emma, you had the right idea. It's better to do one when you're young. I'd do one now but I'd have to put so much Vaseline on the lens the woman I was filming it with would worry where I was going to shove the camera.

According to US gossip site RadarOnline, Emma made the film with a previous boyfriend and he has a copy of the tape still. So far he hasn't sold it or put it on the web, but that might not always be the case. As Emma gets more famous the price he could get paid for that tape will go up, and at some point he might find it hard to turn down the money.

There is one hope for Emma. Maybe the bloke's performance wasn't very good. If he's watched it back and he doesn't look like he did a good job he won't want it on the internet ruining his reputation. That's why Tulisa was so upset.

A source said: "Emma Stone has a sex tape and that's a fact, she made it long before she started dating Andrew Garfield, and before she really became a household name. She was just young and probably thought nothing would ever come of it."

Odd phrasing. But at least they didn't ruin the ending for us.

>Read the source story

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It Was Dangerous, Brian

There's now an urgent review into the TV show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here after Brian Conley had a meltdown. They're worried about the checks that take place to make sure the famous people are safe.

Hmm, if only there was a way the contestants could get out if they needed to. Like a phrase, maybe, that points out they have a certain level of fame and that they should be allowed out because of it. If they had a phrase that said that they're well-known and therefore wish to leave the show, then they could be safe on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here. But I can't think of one right now.

Apparently they do a psychiatric assessments of contestants before they go on and that is the part of the show that is being reassessed. But that's the tricky part, they're testing the mental well-being of actors and comedians. They're never going to pass with flying colours. If you were right in the head you wouldn't want to make a living out of saying, "It's a puppet!" Dressing up as a fortune teller and calling yourself Septic Peg would make you fail any mental test surely. And ultimately, being willing to go on a show like I'm A Celeb simply must prove you're a little crazy.

So it's hard for the doctors to work out of the celebs are sane enough because they're all, almost by definition, a little bit insane.

Although, to be fair, you don't have to be an expert to see that maybe Brian shouldn't be in the jungle. A quick Google search will tell you that Brian has spoken in the past of his battles with alcoholism and depression.

Being in the jungle was hardly likely to help his depression. Although it would keep his alcoholism under check, unless he's really good with brewing jungle fruit.

And he's not the first. In the last series Freddie Starr left the jungle early. And with all of the news stories about him at the moment, he's probably wishing he stayed in there.

>Read the source story

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Woman Gets A Boner

A woman has been accused of hoarding human skulls and bones in her flat to have intimate relations with.

There's a woman who wants to make love to bones? Well, that explains how Mick Jagger managed to get laid so much.

The alleged necrophiliac kept at least six skulls, one spine and "a large number of other bones" in a secret compartment, along with a drill, body bags and morgue pictures. OK, so she's dodgy but that doesn't mean she was collecting the for bonking. My first guess would be, she's making a scary xylophone.

But police also found photos of the woman performing sex acts on a skeleton. I'd be no good at that. I watched too much Morecambe And Wise shows when I was younger. I'd get halfway through and say, "What do you think of it so far?" and move the skull's jaw to say, "Rubbish!"

Why would you want to photograph yourself having sex with a skeleton? You're going to look so fat. But maybe she wasn't having sex, maybe she was trying the Heimlich manoeuvre and didn't know when to give up. Right?

Wrong? Police also found two CDs entitled "My necrophilia" and "My first experience". Hmm. Hard to explain. But why are they CDs? I can just about understand filming yourself having sex with bones if that's what you're into, even though it would look like you've been hogging all the food in your relationship. But why record a CD? All you'd hear is your own grunting and the occasional click. You can have that in a normal relationship if you stay together long enough.

The unnamed woman, from Gothenburg, Sweden, was charged with "violating the peace of the dead", following her arrest in September. If it's true, she is disgusting. I'm going to go round there and say something. I'm going to track her down and say, "Oi! I've got a bone to pick with you..." Actually, I'd better not.

>Read the source story

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The Preteen Photoshop Problem

Girls as young as 12 have been found to be Photoshopping pictures of themselves before uploading them to the web.

This is worrying. Firstly, who's going round checking that preteens actually look like their photos?

And secondly, these poor girls are foolish to do such a thing. If there's one thing I've learned from my time online it's to use the worst pictures in your avatars. That way, when someone sees you in real life they say, "Oh, you look great." And you can enjoy that compliment first hand.

If you look good online your profile picture gets all the compliments and you get the, "Oh. Are you feeling OK," to your face.

It was Carrie Paecher, professor of education at the University of London, who said it had become the norm for children to post provocative pictures of themselves on the web and for them to be touched up. While I now see that's a bad way to phrase it, I'm going to leave it, as it's a good warning.

The Prof said she's concerned that some young girls are using photo editing software to make themselves look thinner.

But at least if you do that on the computer you don't have to make yourself thinner in real life. You can maintain a healthy weight while your pictures get thinner. It's The Eating Disorder of Dorian Gray.

>Read the source story

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Video: Bum Fun

There's a worrying number of news stories about people who have things shoved up their bottoms. What's going on? SNA News gets to the bottom of the bottom of it.


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Helen & Dec's I'm A Celeb Secret

Aw, misleading headline of the day is on the front of the Daily Star, which says: "HELEN & DEC'S JUNGLE SECRET".

It sounds like I'm A Celeb contestant Helen Flanagan has been getting it on with Declan Donnelly, which would be mixed news. Sure, she's very attractive, but if you've seen the show you know what an hair-trigger gag reflex she has.

But it's not that kind of secret. According to the paper Dec has been voting for Helen to have to do the trials. He said he had dialled in to make the former Corrie star do the Bushtucker Trials because he loves being squeezed by her boobs.

Steady on pal, at that rate you'll be the DLT of 2042.

Dec even said, "Me and Helen are getting on like a house on fire." What? It makes people think they should call the police? The DLT of 2042, I've told you.

Dec and co-host Ant McPartlin think Helen could recover from her dreadful start to even be crowned Queen Of The Jungle. She was the one voted to do 6 trials in a row and for the first ones she wimped out after screaming loads. But then things have changed. In her sixth Bushtucker Trial she got all 12 stars.

Pretty soon she'll realise that no one likes a winner and the British public were only voting for her because they wanted to see her fail and scream. It's not the first time we have voted on mass to see a blonde get totally out of their depth. Boris Johnson is London mayor remember.

>Read the source story

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As Thick As Criminals

Prison isn't working. We know that. They're like universities where people go to study being a criminal. When they get out they find it hard to get a job, so it really is like a university.

But what can you do? People have to be punished and community service doesn't seem to work. Thankfully a court in America has hit the nail on the head. They ordered a woman who drove her car on the pavement to carry a sign saying she was an idiot.

Shena Hardin didn't want to wait behind a school bus that was holding up traffic, so she decided to drive around the bus by going on the pavement. Great plan, because it's not like anyone would be on that pavement, like, I don't know, loads of school kids heading to the bus and... Oh, hang on.

She was caught on CCTV and was ordered to stand for 2 hours with a handwritten sign reading: "Only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus."

This is great. It punishes her without clogging up the prison system. I think it could be rolled out to cover other crimes. We could see burglars with signs that say, "Tut, I am such a knobhead. Soz."

Or maybe a fraudulent banker with a placard that says, "What am I like, eh?!"

And maybe a shoplifter with a handwritten sign that says, "You do not want to know where I got the pens to make this with!"

There's another story in the news today about the Yorkshire Ripper wanting to be released. Yeah, sure, why not? Just make him wear a T-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" but the arrow points straight up.

And what's great about this system is that it's based on making guilty criminals look like idiots in public. And all of those kids who wear their jeans so low it looks like they are in need of a nappy change are dishing out their own punishment. Looks like they think they're all going to end up as criminals too.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 39 - General Petraeus Sex Scandal, China's Leaders, Mr Good Deeds

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 39. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

General David Petraeus (starts 01:42)
Nadine Dorries (starts 06:02)
China Gets New Leaders (starts 08:42)
The Good Giraffe (starts 10:13)




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Coffee Warning

The world economy is screwed. Superbugs could skill us all and reality TV shows will soon be the only thing on. But this story is the most worrying thing I have ever read.

Coffee could be driven to extinction by the year 2080.

Aaaarrrgh!

UK researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens said climate change would affect the wild Arabica coffee plant in East Africa and Arabica is responsible for around 70% of the world's coffee.

Global warming could ruin coffee? It's time to get serious and stop messing up this planet. We knew we were ruining the planet for our grandchildren, but I don't have grandchildren yet I did have a car. So driving won.

But now it could stop me daily treat of a cappuccino and the offer of a cake or muffin which I'll always decline.

The abstract of the paper states: "Based on known occurrences and ecological tolerances of Arabica, bioclimatic unsuitability would place populations in peril, leading to severe stress and a high risk of extinction.

Stop me having my coffee and there'll definitely be sever stress, and if people get in my way, a high risk of extinction.

Coffee is currently the second-most traded commodity after oil.

And while I don't think it's right to invade a country for oil, if Columbia start cutting us off, we should bomb the crap out of that place. And that could count as the first stage in the roast too.

>Read the source story

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Keira Knightley's Nudity Rule

In entertainment news: Keira Knightley has said she is happy to go topless. Great. All we need to do now is find the Jane Austen book with lots of nude scenes and then turn it into a film.

The reason she says she is happy with going topless on camera is because she says her breasts are so small.

With that logic I should be OK with full frontal nudity.

She told Allure magazine: "I don't mind exposing my breasts because they're so small — people really aren't that interested!"

Hey, come on. If people didn't like small things no one would buy the iPod Nano.

And for us men breasts are a lot like bubble wrap. You don't really care if they're the big ones or the smalls ones as long as you get to play with them when no one's around.

She also said she refuses to show her bottom on screen. Well, if she'll only show things that are small... oh dear.

>Read the source story

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Video: Plastic Surgery

Should you have plastic surgery? Before you make your mind up, SNA News gets to the bottom of it.


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John Lewis Christmas Advert - More Horror

Ah, the John Lewis Christmas advert. It seems like only last year when they brought one out.

We covered last year's one on this site because it featured a child who is impatient for Christmas to arrive because he has plans he can't wait to put into action. There's an edited version of the advert, with different music, that really shows you what this child is... evil. He makes Stewie in Family Guy seem positively cuddly. (See the 2011 John Lewis ad here)

But now we find ourself in 2012, October is over, and that means it's time for Christmas (I know, that means a 1/6th of the year is therefore Christmas but there's money to be made). John Lewis have brought another advert, and here it is...


Sweet and cute, yeah? Not if you watch it and think of this...


John Lewis, you are terrifying!

And if the Doctor Who motif doesn't freak you out, this might...


£12.50 for a bar of soap!

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Woman Who Enjoyed Starbucks Too Much

A woman was arrested after she was spotted masturbating in a Starbucks.

Now, I like coffee. I go to coffee shops all the time, but you'd never catch me masturbating in Starbucks. Because I know how to hide it well.

Police were summoned "by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating."

They called the police? That's passing up on some great PR. They should've filmed it, put it on YouTube and put a caption on saying, "Our coffee is so good, look what it makes people do."

Or a caption saying, "She likes Starbucks. And she's a bean expert."

When an officer questioned the woman, Jennifer Piranian, she reported that she was waiting to go to a local hospital.

Oh, fair enough. That would make anyone horny.

>Read the source story

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Girl Swallows A Toothbrush

A teenager was taken to hospital after she swallowed her toothbrush. How do you swallow a toothbrush? Was she holding it on the end that doesn't have the handle? Did she think those "hard to reach places" they talk about in the toothbrush adverts were somewhere down her throat? Was she just a div?

It said in the newspaper:

Georgie Smith, of Brighton, felt the toothbrush slip down her throat as she brushed her teeth but couldn't cough it back up as she has no gag reflex.

She doesn't have a gag reflex and she gets in the papers for cleaning her teeth? That just shows a lack of imagination.

Anyway, she swallowed her toothbrush so she went to the hospital, only to be told by doctors that they couldn't find it. She said: "Nobody knows where it is as X-rays don't show plastic."

Don't worry. Give it a few days and it'll come through, and she'll have the cleanest bumhole ever. And then she has a choice. Throw the toothbrush away and get a new one or wash it and use it again. And thinking of the second option has just proved that I am not like her. I do have a gag reflex.

>Read the source story

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The Cameron And Brooks Texts

David Cameron is having a hard time again, this time over his texts with Rebekah Brooks. They've been called "cosy" in the press.

Tut. I wanted more than just cosy. One text from Brooks said she "cried twice" while watching Cameron make a speech. Well, David has made many people cry, so that's not saying much.

A Cameron text to Brooks said, "fast, unpredictable and hard to control but fun". Sadly it wasn't sexual. He was talking about a horse, which means I hope it wasn't sexual.

I remember the good old days of text scandals, like David Beckham and Rebecca Loos (hmm, is there something about that name) when their dirty texts were published in the newspaper. OK, most of it was blacked out in the paper I read but you still got the feeling it was rude. In some ways a redacted text seems hotter.

"I want to put my ████ in your ████," you'll have to fill the rest in yourself.

Oh, sorry, I put the quotes in the wrong place. It should read.

"I want to put my ████ in your ████, you'll have to fill the rest in yourself."

That's a subtle different but an important one for the lady.

The Cameron-Brooks texts are part of the Leveson enquiry but many of the texts and emails have not been made public as they were deemed "not relevant" to the investigation. Forget relevant, we want to see the most embarrassing ones.

Labour MP Chris Bryant has called on the PM to public what he calls the "salacious" messages. Good. I hope that means drunken texts like we've all sent.

I'm hoping Cameron was smashed on Bolly, sat in the back of a car getting driven home at 3am when he gets the urge to text. One of those texts where you're so drunk you have to close one eye and hold the open eye really close to the phone. And you're so drunk you don't proof-read it to make sure auto-correct hasn't messed it up.

"Hey, Rebels. I want to come round and duck your aunt so bad."

So many texts like that get sent every weekend. If they were all means so many extended family members would've drowned by now.

>Read the source story

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Ill People Make Us Ill

Workers with the flu who don't take time off when ill are putting colleagues at risk, new research shows.

Damn right. And even worse than spreading their vile pox, they don't do any work. They just sniff and moan about how unwell they are. They turn up just for the sympathy.

32% of people go into work even if they have the virus.

It should be a crime. Like those news stories you hear of people being jailed for having unprotected sex when they know they're HIV+. (Is that all how we write HIV positive? It used to be but now it makes be think of Google+.)

OK, maybe it's not as bad as HIV, but it should at least warrant a fine. Recklessly giving someone your cold should be considered as bad as punching someone in the face. It's something you do to them that makes part of their head sore for a few days.

We covered this very topic back in episode 2 of the SomeNews podcast. Have a listen below.

listen to ‘Mr Steve N Allen on Flu’ on Audioboo

Get the audio here

>Read the source story

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David Cameron's Toilet Trouble

David Cameron is tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. It's probably because he's been the victim of it.

As we found out recently, David Cameron was burgled and the thief got away with his Skoda. And if you rob a millionaire and get a Skoda, maybe you're a rubbish burglar.

But once again DC was nearly the victim. A man hid in a toilet waiting to jump out at David as a protest. I'm not sure that was the best protest. Why did he want to surprise Cameron in a toilet? No one will be there to see it, and best case scenario he shits himself, but he's in a toilet, the ideal place to do that.

Stuart Rodgers stayed in the toilet for over an hour in order to have the opportunity to heckle the Prime Minister over public sector cuts.

An hour in a toilet. Sounds like heaven. Get me a newspaper and I'd be the happiest man for 60 minutes.

A court heard that the 23-year-old activist burst into the room of the Glasgow hotel where Cameron was addressing hundreds of Conservatives, and shouted: "No ifs, no buts, no public sector cuts."

Whether you agree with his sentiment or not you have to be impressed that he managed to do it. If I'd just been sat on the toilet for an hour I wouldn't be able to do anything till the pins and needles wore off.

The newspaper didn't say how David Cameron felt about this, but I can't imagine he was too flustered. He has the look of a man who has been the victim of many a toilet ambush when he was at school. Well, his face certainly looks like it's been flushed down some toilets.

He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service. The protester, I mean. Not David Cameron. He's not doing that much to help communities.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 38 - Superstorm Sandy, China's New Leaders, Rude Tomb Stone

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 38. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Superstorm Sandy (starts 02:00)
China Gets New Leaders (starts 07:45)
Rube Bits On Tomb Stone (starts 09:42)
Visit To A Medium (starts 13:13)




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