In the video below we take a look at some of the pictures and comments on the board.
Showing posts with label Coronavirus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coronavirus. Show all posts
28/05/2021
The Dominic Cummings White-Board
In the video below we take a look at some of the pictures and comments on the board.
03/05/2021
Less Lockdown = More Rude Stuff
Meanwhile the Sunday Times reported that "Lovers liberated after lockdown spark sexplosion". Given that sexplosion isn’t really a word it’s hard to know exactly what they mean by this. Is it something that will show up on the seismographs or simply leave a mess?
Whatever it is we know its cause. The end of lockdown has brought about an increased demand for condoms and morning after pills. It’s an interesting effect of getting our freedoms back and also makes you realise that over the last year a higher proportion of people buying condoms were doing it to smuggle things in.
At the moment the rules state that you can go on a date with someone and have a drink outside but you are not allowed to take things into the bedroom. It’s like much of the dating I did in my twenties but with slightly more handwashing.
The increased sales figures tell us that either more people are breaking the rules and nipping to the bedroom with their new friend or there are some very dodgy things happening in pub car parks. Or both.
It’s difficult to complain about people’s actions. If there is one lesson the Great Doing Nothing of 2020 taught us is that we should embrace life whenever we can. You don’t know when the next plague will come along and take life from some of us, so if you can have a moment of pleasure with someone you should get stuck in, which I am told is not the way to phrase it just before the act.
Yes, I know that any rule-breaking could lead to an increased spread of COVID that could lead to older and more vulnerable people catching it but if you’re spending more time in bed you’re spending less time visiting older people, so the effects might cancel.
Whatever you do, do it safely and wear protection. And I don’t mean a mask. But I also don’t not mean a mask, if that’s what you’re into. Get stuck in.
29/03/2021
[VIDEO] A Look At The Vaccines
In this video we take a look at some of the issues.
04/01/2021
It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas
The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.
Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.
With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.
Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.
They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.
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25/10/2020
6 in 10 Want a Circuit-Breaker
The survey says people with rather have a short, sharp shock than the current situation where England has split into areas in three different tiers of COVID lockdown.
Those against a circuit-breaker claim that it would simply delay the inevitable. That’s a good move if we are close to a vaccine, but an extra 28 days isn’t enough to get us the cure. If that were the case we could talk the scientists into pulling some double shifts and not taking any holidays.
If we hold back the winter spike by a month we could see more problems happen around Christmas. Already some people are saying Christmas will be cancelled this year. That’s only bad if you like your in-laws. There could be many people who would be grateful of a Yuletide lockdown. Six in ten, maybe.
It’ hard to know if we are in a worse situation than before the main lockdown. We have far more detected cases but back then we were only testing people who presented with symptoms. We’re now testing more people so you’d expect to see more official cases.
The steep increase in cases since we started wider testing is the worrying stat. Would the circuit-breaker be good? We could wait to see what happens in Wales.
In Wales they are currently doing a firebreak. I am not sure if there’s a difference between a circuit-breaker and a firebreak. Maybe the got a focus group and found that a firebreak sounds sexy but a circuit-breaker sounds like the kind of thing that annoys you when you’re trying to mow the lawn.
If it helps Wales maybe we should do the same. But if it brings the infection rate down in Wales, what is more likely is that the restrictions will be eased and loads of people from England will go there and cough a lot.
While six in ten might be thinking of what’s best for everyone, that’s means four in ten are all about themselves.
07/10/2020
Is It Time To Panic Buy Yet?
Have you done your panic buying yet? I do most of mine online, and spread it out over a few weeks.
Last week some shops asked people not to panic buy. That was probably the worst thing they could do. As soon as you hear that you think, “Does that mean other people are panic buying? I don’t want to be left behind, I’d better pop to the shops for a quick panic buy.”
The cynical part of me wonders if some shops are hoping for a little run on some products to boost their sales figures. If they’re struggling to shift a certain item, issue a press release asking people to not panic buy it all, and they’ll sell more. It’s the only reason I have so many tins of sardines in. I don’t even like sardines.
I thought we learned from last time. When the original lockdown came in a lot of us bought more than we needed. The most highly sought-after product in March was the humble loo roll.
We all saw the news reports of some corner shops charging exorbitant prices for a roll. With the price of toilet roll going up and the pound going down, put it this way, it’s a good job they got rid of the one-pound note.
I didn’t think I was a panic buyer but even I felt the urge to pick up some spares if I was near the shops. You don’t need too many details here but I haven’t had to buy any more toilet rolls since then.
Given that we have so recently been through a panic buying pandemic I expected better from us. The fact that we still have items from the first surge tells us we don’t need to do it. We saw images of people working long shifts for the NHS, saving people’s lives, going to the shops on the way home and not being able to buy the bare essentials.
No one wants to see that again and we can surely remember that we don’t have to be selfish in the shops. It doesn’t stop some. I saw a picture of a woman leaving a supermarket with bags of pasta and around 128 rolls. That looks like the picture of someone who doesn’t know they’re gluten intolerant.
If I can’t say not to panic buy without causing it, and I can’t tell you to panic buy, all I can say is this. I have loads of loo roll left if you need to buy some.
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05/10/2020
How To Mock Trump Now
The news that the President of the United States of America has contracted the coronavirus has left some of us in a difficult position.
Even though we have had to see some pretty shocking news in recent years, most of the topical comedians are still human. You know, deep down. When you hear the news of a man in his seventies contracting a virus that can be fatal to people in that age bracket, you have empathy.
Science tells us that the virus is really tough for those who are overweight. Now, some say Donald Trump lies about his height to bring his BMI down but viruses don’t check paperwork. It’s another reason show concern for someone who is ill.
If we were only listening to the angel that pops up on our shoulder that would be the end of it. But the devil on the other shoulder loves to point out the hypocrisy. When a man who has belligerently said the coronavirus would be gone by the summer catches it in autumn, it’s worth a mention.
When someone who has recently said publicly that COVID-19 affects “almost no one” gets affected by it, how can we not sarcastically say, “So you’re calling yourself a no one?”
He held rallies where his supporters defiantly refused to wear a mask. That’s because the wearing of a bit of fabric over your breathing parts as a small effort to help everyone else has become a political issue.
It was surprising as Donald has been known as a germaphobe for quite some time. Most germaphobes would like people to wear masks even when there’s no pandemic but the political capital to be gained by making the “do-gooders” seem bad was too tempting. And look where it’s got him.
Even the most sympathetic commentator must find irony in the man who said to use bleach as a cure is now in a hospital using proper drugs suggested by proper doctors. He suggested putting UV light in the body. Did he try putting a sunbed lamp up his botty before trying real drugs?
Just as the poetic irony of the situation starts to entertain there will be a ping on my phone from a news app telling me that doctors say the next 48 hours will be critical for him. That jolts me back to thinking that no matter what point of view someone has held, you shouldn’t make light of something that could cost them their lives.
Show sympathy. That can’t be wrong. And just as soon as I start to think that social media shows me the conspiracy theories that he doesn’t have COVID and he’s only doing this to get out of the future debates. His current narrative is that his opponent Joe Biden is old and frail. If Trump can claim to have had a case of the tough COVID but walked it off in a few days he can look fit by comparison.
Now I don’t want to fall into the trap of giving sympathy if it’s not due but I don’t want to accuse someone of pretending to be ill in case they go on to die.
There was another conspiracy theory that claimed the President was hiding a secret oxygen tank about his person and using a mask to cover the nose attachment. Several mainstream media outlets have claimed that’s nonsense but I remember someone saying those outlets peddled “fake news”. I wonder who could have said that?
What about all of those Trump supporters who claimed that coronavirus was a hoax? Do they see the contradiction of their position or do they think this proves that people can catch made up illnesses. Be careful when you pretend is real, some people could catch that. I’m terrified that I might come down with a case of The Phage from Star Trek Voyager.
I haven’t noticed many Trump supporters saying sorry for thinking this virus that killed over one million people was a hoax. They are too busy saying that Trump critics shouldn’t mock him. They ask how the left would like it if it was one of their figureheads who got ill. Maybe people replied with the clip of Trump mocking Hilary Clinton after we heard she had pneumonia. Even more hypocrisy.
Donald has been rude about people with illnesses and dismissive of the disease he now has. His actions may well have led to more people catching this potential killer. And yet, I still don’t want to mock him. He’s an old man who is ill.
Donald, get will soon, so we can get back to pointing out what a hypocrite you are.
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20/08/2020
[Columns] Eat Out To Help Out
Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.
With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in London, I take a look at the scheme to get us to eat out more to save the UK.
Click to have a read.
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With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in London, I take a look at the scheme to get us to eat out more to save the UK.
Click to have a read.
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14/08/2020
Hmm, Schools or Pubs? Hmm.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said that reopening schools is a “national priority”, which means other things may have to close.
The first time we heard of this ultimatum was when Prof Graham Medley from the London School of Hygiene and Topical Medicine spoke about it as an option. I always thought the name of that academic establishment really takes a leap half way through. “School of Hygiene,” sounds like wiping work surfaces down. “And Tropical Medicine,” is that Parrot fever?
Many people think that school children should be back to learning for the good of society but don’t make us pick between that and having a pint.
At first, I wasn’t sure why we’d have to shut pubs to let schools open. Is there a shortage of bouncers that are needed for both? The UK brought in a restrictions on opening hours for pubs during the First World War to stop workers in munitions factories drinking too much. Is that the problem with Year 7s now?
While open schools would help parents cope, some of them may need the pub too. Don’t make us choose.
Surely there are other types of shops that we close up again to open the schools. Tattoo parlours are open. If we shut those could we still have pubs open. In fact there’s an argument to be made that you shouldn’t have pubs and tattoos open at the same time anyway. It’ll stop people having the name of the person they’ve been dating for a week put on their back.
Shutting shops to open pubs would be a better solution. A lot of shops are shutting on their own. If we tally up WH Smiths, Debenhams, Pizza Express and Victoria’s Secret does it buy us a few classrooms?
I’d also nominate candle shops. Do we need so many? I haven’t had a power cut in years. I dated someone a while back who bought many candles but never lit them. She sad she bought them for the fragrance. If you can relate to that, try air fresheners. They’ll blow your mind.
Card shops could go too. In age of email we don’t need to send cards and during a pandemic we shouldn’t sell anything you lick and put in the post.
I think we could close some shops before the pubs, but knowing my luck the Government will agree with me and then they’ll pick the off licenses.
10/07/2020
Rishi, The Groupon Chancellor
Rishi Sunak announced that we will be getting our restaurant or pub bills cut in half. He’s becoming the Groupon chancellor.
I hope this doesn’t mean that after we have used our Government voucher we will then get emailed all the time about cut price deals on waxing treatments. To the best of my knowledge I have never been waxed and yet Groupon have me on a list of people who might be interested.
The Government deal is that if you dine out in August, on Monday to Wednesday, you will get 50 per cent off. It feels strange to know that a member of parliament is buying us dinner. I remember politics in the 1980s so it seems strange to be getting a meal from an MP without it being part of some sleazy tryst.
The scheme is called Eat Out to Help Out and of all the Government plans to save our economy this is one I can do well at.
When they announced plans to get furloughed Brits to pick fruit I knew my back would give out. When they spoke of plans to get young workers back into jobs I saw myself in the mirror and had to admit I’m old now. When they planned to pause stamp duty I knew I wasn’t going to move house, I hate packing.
Eating, however, is something I am good at. If anything, during lockdown, I have improved my eating skills. I certainly put the hours of practice in.
When my grandchildren ask what I did during lockdown I can say, “I helped by ordering a starter when I didn’t need one. And that’s why I still get these waxing emails to this day.”
06/07/2020
[Podcast] Corona Special 4 - Pret & Other Shops Closing
In this podcast:
We look at the news that Pret will not open some stores and hear about the time they asked me not to be naked. Also we talk to Mark Machado about which shops are on the way out.
And if you're enjoying the content, think about leaving a tip. You can donate a coffee here.
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01/07/2020
Local Lockdowns Start In The UK
We have to be careful or we might end up like Leicester, and no one wants that. It's the first place in the UK to be subject to a local lockdown. While we're enjoying a nice pint the people of Leicester will be trapped at home once more.
Local lockdowns are strange because they have an edge. There will be a place where one street is in lockdown but the next street along is free. We could see a situation where you could find it easier to travel back from Spain than nip round to your neighbours.
On that topic, I am not sure I believe what the Government says about removing quarantine from some countries. When I had my first job in a factory the old guys working there pulled the classic prank on me. They sent to me the stores to get a glass hammer, a left-handed screwdriver and a bubble for a spirit level. I was young and foolish and I fell for it. I felt so silly afterwards. So when the Government starts talking about "air bridges" I'm not falling for that one.
The big worry is that people in a local lockdown will travel to other towns to go to pubs and restaurants. Keep an eye out. As we're enjoying a drink on the weekend, if someone is doing a bad accent while wearing a flat cap and eating a pork pie, it might be time to call the police.
10/06/2020
[Columns] I Went To A Pub During Lockdown - So You Don't Have To
Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.
With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I bravely did research for you so you don't have to. I went to a pub!
Click to have a read.
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With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I bravely did research for you so you don't have to. I went to a pub!
Click to have a read.
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06/06/2020
[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep17 - Trump on Race, Train Face Masks & UK Lockdown Sex Laws
Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.
In this episode we look at Trumps handling of yet another crisis in America, the face mask rule for UK public transport and the Government's rules on intimate relations.
Here's episode 17.
If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
31/05/2020
[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep16 - Meet in Groups, SpaceX & Trump V Twitter
Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.
In this episode we look at the latest English rules of having 6 people in your garden, the launch of the Space X mission and Trump battling Twitter.
Here's episode 16.
If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
27/05/2020
[Columns] I'm Not Cut Out For This
Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.
With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I look at some of the solutions to crowds and gatherings as we come out of lockdown.
Click to have a read.
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With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I look at some of the solutions to crowds and gatherings as we come out of lockdown.
Click to have a read.
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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep15 - Cummings, Trump's Positive & Cannabis Cure
Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.
In this episode we look at the latest Dominic Cummings news, why Trump has tested positive and there are a few new cures for Covid19 coming out way.
Here's episode 15.
If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
21/05/2020
Is The Superdrug Antibody Test Worth It
Now we are seeing a new level of testing that completes at least one of those three.
Superdrug is selling an antibody test. That means it is the test that shows if you have had the coronavirus in the past. Seeing as Covid-19 can happen without the sufferer showing any symptoms, if you have had no symptoms recently, this test could be for you.
The fact that you can get it from Superdrug means you can pick one up as you’re getting your false nails and pregnancy tests. You’d imagine people would be happy about this but they have been upset by the price tag. You can get this test for £69.
The test itself apparently costs pennies to produce, so there is a large mark-up, but that’s how shops like that work. I’m sure it doesn’t cost much to make mint shower gel but they charge several pounds for it.
The Original Source ones boast that they contain 7,927 mint leaves. Round it up and put 8,000 in, you tight gits.
It is a bit steep. When I heard that Superdrug were asking nearly £70 for each test I thought, “What do they want, blood?!”
Then I read more about how the tests work and realised, yeah, they do - a small sample of it.
Many people are upset that we are not getting the tests for free on the NHS. It’s important to remember, you don’t have to have one of these tests. They only tell you if you were ill with coronavirus in the past. The fact that you’re not currently on a ventilator or dead should tell you it wasn’t that bad.
At the moment the scientists aren’t sure that having the antibodies will mean you’ll be immune to the virus. If that’s the case I’m not sure why we bother making them. If they’re just hanging round in our blood and not keeping us safe they’re just making us weigh more. And I do not need help in that regard.
If you pay £69 for this test and you find out that you had the virus the only thing you can do with that information is bring it up in conversation. And for a chance to talk about ourselves we’ll probably stump up the cash willingly.
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20/05/2020
[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep13 - Quarantine, Trump Drugs & Boris Scores
Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.
In this episode we look at the 14 day quarantine getting into the UK, Trump on drugs and Boris Johnson's approval rating.
Here's episode 13.
If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.
18/05/2020
[Columns] I Got A Face Mask
Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.
With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I bought a face mask and I am not afraid to you it.
Click to have a read.
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With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.
In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I bought a face mask and I am not afraid to you it.
Click to have a read.
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