03/05/2021

Less Lockdown = More Rude Stuff

This week the Mirror newspaper ran a headline saying it won’t be long till we are hugging grannies again. I don’t actually have any grannies left, so this could be the strangest giveaway a national newspaper has ever done.

Meanwhile the Sunday Times reported that "Lovers liberated after lockdown spark sexplosion". Given that sexplosion isn’t really a word it’s hard to know exactly what they mean by this. Is it something that will show up on the seismographs or simply leave a mess?

Whatever it is we know its cause. The end of lockdown has brought about an increased demand for condoms and morning after pills. It’s an interesting effect of getting our freedoms back and also makes you realise that over the last year a higher proportion of people buying condoms were doing it to smuggle things in.

At the moment the rules state that you can go on a date with someone and have a drink outside but you are not allowed to take things into the bedroom. It’s like much of the dating I did in my twenties but with slightly more handwashing.

The increased sales figures tell us that either more people are breaking the rules and nipping to the bedroom with their new friend or there are some very dodgy things happening in pub car parks. Or both.

It’s difficult to complain about people’s actions. If there is one lesson the Great Doing Nothing of 2020 taught us is that we should embrace life whenever we can. You don’t know when the next plague will come along and take life from some of us, so if you can have a moment of pleasure with someone you should get stuck in, which I am told is not the way to phrase it just before the act.

Yes, I know that any rule-breaking could lead to an increased spread of COVID that could lead to older and more vulnerable people catching it but if you’re spending more time in bed you’re spending less time visiting older people, so the effects might cancel.

Whatever you do, do it safely and wear protection. And I don’t mean a mask. But I also don’t not mean a mask, if that’s what you’re into. Get stuck in.

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