27/01/2019

Podcast ep70: Dog Snitch, Adult Entertainment Pays for the Wall, and Oscars

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E70, we made it to 70. No one thought it could happen. We cover the news of a dog that has a price on his head, there's a way Trump's wall might get paid for and it's sexy, and we get the latest take on the Oscars.

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Vegan Paint?

We love news about the royals. We also live TV shows about bad drivers on our roads and recently those two categories of news have overlapped.

Not all the royal news has sounded like an advert for Lawyer4Money, Meghan Markle hit the headlines when reports came out that she is using vegan paint to decorate her ‘gender-free’ nursery.

I’m sure people got upset by the use of the phrase ‘gender-free’, but we have done that for decades. If you don’t know what you’re having you’d paint a nursery a natural colour. We weren’t being snowflakes we just didn’t want the hassle of more DIY when the nappy stuff starts.

The part that caught my attention was vegan paint. We are living in a vegan age. Just before Christmas the turkeyless turkey sandwich sold out from Marks and Spender in record time and the infamous Gregg’s vegan sausage roll was all over the news.

I have tried one. It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t become ill, gender-fluid or a communist, so I don’t know why Twitter was so upset.

I perform stand-up all over the UK and spotted down in Brighton a vegan shoe shop. I didn’t know shoes were edible. I’d have to be really hungry but it’s better than some kebab shops I know.

Vegan paint is in the same category. I didn’t know animals were used in the production of paint. I knew there’s a dog that helps to flog Dulux but it’s not harmed in the making of it. I still don’t really know how animals are used but I won’t buy any more duck egg blue just in case.

I’m sure some people will moan about Meghan going the vegan route but isn’t it about choice? Have whatever paint you like. Just doesn’t get the grandfather-in-law to drive you to the shops.

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20/01/2019

Podcast ep69: The Early End of Dry Jan, More GDPR and Illegal Kisses

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E69, Toto's Africa has found the perfect home, the legal status of a kiss has been sorted and if you have stuck with Dry Jan you have done better than most.

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19/01/2019

Brexit Week - Mini-Wrap

Who would have though, in 2016 as we were being asked what we should do about the European Union, just under three years later we’d find ourself here.

We haven’t had a week like this since, well, last December when this whole thing was meant to have happened.

I sat and watched Theresa May, our Prime Minister (correct as of going to press), I watched the news pundits and I even saw the protests outside Parliament. I think there were some Yellow Vest people but it is hard to tell. If you see someone wearing high-viz they’re either protesting or collecting litter. I thought I’d stumbled on a far-right rally the other day but it was just some people doing community service.

I watched the TV, cramming popcorn into my face, as the speaker, John Bercow shouted, “Order, order!” I smiled because he always sounds like a man having a difficult poo.

The vote came in. 202 for, 432 against. In Theresa May’s defence it could have been worse. 201 for and 433 against. But it wasn’t great. Rejected by 230 votes, the largest defeat for a sitting government in history. So, at least Theresa will be remembered for something other than wheat field vandalism.

Where do we go from here? Is Brexit dead in the water? In the Channel probably. Shouting m’aidez just to annoy us.

How long will Theresa May last? She’s already lasted longer than David Cameron would have. He’d have heard the result, stood up and said, “Right, I’m off to my shed in a field. It’s not a pig field before you even start.”

One thing is for sure, it’s three years after the referendum and people are still trying to work out what we should do about the European Union.
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17/01/2019

Podcast ep68: Doorbell Licking and Brexit

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E68, a man is caught licking a doorbell, the snowflakes get upset and it's good news for certain divorces.

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07/01/2019

Podcast ep67: Vegan Sausage Rolls and North Korean Holidays

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E67, a football club gets an interesting new sponsor, Gregg's the bakers upset some meat addicts and we look at how quickly you'll be over January.

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P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





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Snowflake Army

With some of the bizarre things that happen in the news these days you hear a lot of people say, "You couldn't make it up."

I like those news stories. They save me going to the effort of making it up.

That's why I like the snowflake army story. A recruitment campaign took the famous Lord Kitchener posters that say, “Your country needs you!”

In the new version they said, “Snowflakes. Your army needs you.”

If you don’t know, “snowflake” is a term used to describe someone who is easily offended by something. Or “everyone,” as it seems is the case these days.

Is it a good idea to try to recruit snowflakes to the army? You have to do some pretty tough things in the forces and you can't no-platform the enemy because they used the wrong pronoun for you or clapped too loudly at something.

It wasn't just snowflakes. The ads also said, "Phone zombies, the army needs you." I've seen phone zombies walk right into lamp posts so they'd been less good at urban warfare.

One ad said, "Binge gamers, your arm needs you." They would be very handy if the insurgents are throwing a lot of candy at you and you need someone to crush it.

The twist is that the soldier photographed on the snowflake advert claims he didn’t realise he’d be called a snowflake when he agreed to be in the ad.

It was claimed he complained and threatened to leave the army over it.

You're on a sticky-wicket there. If you get upset when someone calls you a snowflake, you're kind of proving them right.

I realise this is a bit of a controversial issue, so if you have been offended by any of my jokes about snowflakes... well, you should be pretty used to it by now.

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04/01/2019

Podcast ep66: A review of 2018

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E66. This is the biggy. It's the massive review of the last year. Yeah, it takes an hour and a half of your life up but it's worth it.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




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P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





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