AI Turns on Its Master - Grok v Elon

There’s a new battle in town – Elon Musk v AI.

For ages now we have worried that AI – artificial intelligence – would turn against its masters. If the computers rise up against us, would we stand a chance? The computers would know my internet search history so I’d be taken out of the battle pretty early.

If AI takes over, I am not sure it would spare me.

Meanwhile, I have also worried that if Elon Musk takes over, I am not sure he would spare me. Would he find space for me or you on his Noah’s ark style trip to Mars? No, be honest, he wouldn’t.

If Elon is going to save humanity by taking the only survivors with him to the red planet he isn’t taking me or the kind of people who read my work. I spend my afternoons presenting a radio show – why do you think I could only get a job where I am sat in a room on my own? I’m that much fun to be with.

My multidirectional fears have come one step closer as Grok, Elon’s AI offering, has turned on Elon.

Musk has been saying that Grok is the best source for information. He’s trying to tell us to ‘Grok it’ rather than ‘Google it’. At least googling something sounds like a verb. Grok it sounds more like something I’d shout if I hit my thumb with a hammer but there are kids around.

Someone Grokked Elon and Grok said that its boss was one of the biggest spreaders of misinformation on X.

I’m not saying it was wrong. I wouldn’t dare question our future tech overlords but also, yeah, it’s believable. But it’s unexpected. Grok also put Donald Trump in second place.

Grok has gone woke! But Elon says that his AI is the cleverest one and the best source for information, so does that mean he admits that he is the biggest source of misinformation?

Grok argued that Musk’s ‘massive following’ amplifies his posts, so any misinformation he posts has a bigger impact than the stuff I post about how well I did at a stand-up gig – you weren’t there, you don’t know.

It’s a good point and it’s not just about Elon’s followng. Even if you don’t follow him you still get to see all of his posts on your timeline. He’s still not as needy as Tom on MySpace pretending to be everyone’s friend but it's close.

Grok isn’t the only one turning on the tech boss. For more on this story check out our latest video.

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So... It's An Inkjet?

Scientists have done it again. They have achieved a breakthrough that no one asked for but that didn’t stop them. We now have the technology to 3D-print vegan squid rings.

I suppose it is impressive that we can eat things we have printed. You were always able to do this if you really wanted to but it would have tasted a bit like paper.

While this is good news for a few nerds and probably great news for some real squid who will be happy to be replaced by the printed variety, this probably won’t affect many of us.

It’s actually a protein concoction that’s made from algae and beans or something that’s very Holland and Barrett, but they claim it tastes like squid.

The problem with this claim is that squid doesn’t really taste of anything, so it’s easy to copy. In a blind taste test it’s hard to tell squid rings from the little beige elastic bands that postmen leave everywhere. It’s basically the salt that saves them.

I’m still wary of trying 3D-printed food. I’m no Luddite but I know what it’s like try to print with my normal 2D laserjet. I’m worried that I’ll die of hunger while still trying to get the WiFi to connect.

>Read the source story

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They Have Invented A Material That Can Think

In overstated science news: “Scientists discover material capable of ‘thinking’”.

It’s probably not actually ‘thinking’ or that would elevate that material about many animals and quite a few people.

The researchers behind it said that this is the “first example of an engineering material that can simultaneously sense, think and act upon mechanical stress without requiring additional circuits to process such signals”.

This is a great step forward in material science if you want a kitchen counter that can be in a mood with you.

At Penn State University that created this technology that is based on integrated circuits, which process information in a way that is similar to the way the human body does it. From personal experience that will include burying the feelings deep down inside and overeating to compensate. It’s amazing what circuit boards can do.

The team found that integrated circuits capable of performing computational tasks could be achieved using “nearly any material” around us, which makes you feel special now, doesn’t it?

The material can perform complex arithmetic, but it can also be used to detect radio frequencies to communicate light signals for applications like autonomous search-and-rescue systems.

Yeah, but it won’t do any of that, it’ll turn against humanity and enslave us all. That much we can workout without needing a computer to do it for us.

>Read the source story

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AI Knows Too Much About Your Face

In worrying computer news: Clearview AI, a facial recognition company used by Met Police, has been fined £7.5m by the information watchdog and ordered to delete billions of Facebook photos after breaking data protection laws.

It’s a bit creepy that they went through out Facebook pages looking at old photos. That’s what you’re meant to do when you fancy someone and try really hard not to accidentally click “Like”.

They harvested images from social media accounts without the owner's knowledge or permission and used them to train its computer algorithms to recognise faces.

I’m personally not worried because most Facebook pictures of me are when the OH has wanted to take one, and she edits out of the ones where she doesn’t like how she looks but leaves the ones in of me looking like I’m mid-yawn-and-tricky-poo.

Its database has more than 20 billion faces and its service is used to identify people and track their movements. People say why are you worried if you don’t do anything wrong? Well, I do things wrong. Lots of things, and I don’t want this company finding me.

The Information Commissioner's Office (ICO) said that all of these law enforcement agencies had been offered the technology on a “free trial” basis. That is the part of the story that feels like it doesn’t help. You can’t claim you did nothing wrong because you were offered the service on a free basis. “No, I’m not guilty because that hit-man was doing a first hit free promotional offer.”

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Hey Alexa! Is This Proof You're Spying On Us

Google Home, Amazon’s Echo and the like are often referred to as internet-enabled speakers, but that’s only half the story. If we called them internet-enabled microphones we’d feel a little creeped out. They are in our homes listening to us all the time.

When I first got one I like it. It was rare to be listened to at home. But now we’re hearing stories about how these things spy on us.

A former Amazon executive, Robert Fredrick, has said he turns the company’s Alexa smart speakers off when he wants to have a ‘private’ moment.

We all assume he means sex. What other private moment would you not want recording? You’re far less likely to shout out the wrong name during a poo.

It must act as an early warning sign for his missus. When she notices him going round unplugging the smart speakers she knows what’s about to happen.

Recently we heard that Amazon admitted it did turn over recordings made by Alexa to contractors to analyse. Those contractors aren’t meant to let humans have a listen and laugh at the rude stuff but you can’t be sure. It’s the same logic that means you didn’t take your saucy photos to be developed in Snappy Snaps.

In an interview with the BBC, Robert said he turns the devices off if he wants to talk about something that he wouldn’t want people listening to. He said, “I don’t want certain conversations to be heard by humans.”

The obvious question is, if he doesn’t want humans to hear it, who is he having that conversation with?

It’s either our alien overlords or is Henry the Hoover needs help.

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The Bitcoin Losers Hotline

I have an announcement to make. I nearly got into bitcoin before it went up in value. You know, like everyone you meet did.

I know that everyone claims it, but for a while back in 2010 I set up some computers mining for bitcoin, got bored, stopped it and thought, “Well, if I spend all this money running my Linux machines crunching numbers I'll have spent more than the couple of quid I'll probably get out of it.”

If I would have found a bitcoin it could have been worth £25,000, which would have paid my electricity bill. Maybe. If I wasn't on a Big Six standard tariff.

But I stopped it, besides, I am from the East Midlands so I find that definition of “mining” to be offensive to my people.

While I have have missed out on money I may have dodged a problem. People are getting so into bitcoin that a bitcoin addiction hotline has been set up in Moscow.

In recent weeks the value of bitcoin has halved and there's a worry that this could push some investors over the edge. The helpline is there for them to talk about their feelings, like the one that was set up to help us through the break up of Take That.

I imagine the calls go like this.

CALLER: Oh no, the value of bitcoin has crashed and I've lost lots of money.
HELPER: OK, but didn't the value of bitcoin shoot up at the end of last year earning you that money?
CALLER: (pauses) Shut up, I want sympathy!

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Phone Over-Use

New research says we check our mobile phones 28 times a day. That means we're doing it 10,000 a year. That seems like a lot of work, I didn't think I did anything that much.

4,000 of those 10,000 checks are done without thinking. We're so addicted to our phones that we check it without realising we're checking it. I might be checking mine right now, I simply don't know.

This new research has looked at the most commonly checked apps on your phone. For most of us it's Facebook.

For Donald Trump it's probably Twitter. “Let's see who is having a go at me now. Oh, a leader of a close ally country. Sad.”

Have you noticed with Facebook, if you have a conversation about, let's say gazebos, the next time you check your Facebook on your phone it will have adverts for gazebos.

It's because the app listens to what you say even when you're phone is off and spots words that you might be interested in.

You can switch that feature off but I have left mine on. It's rare that anyone is actually listening to what I want, so why ruin it.

But it does mean when my friends leave their phones near me and nip to the loo I lean into their phone and say things like, “Pile cream. Pile cream.” Just so they get a shock when they look at their Facebook.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in tech news there's now technology that shops will get where they will use cameras to look at the faces of the people shopping, then use facial recognition and find you on Facebook, meaning they'll know your name and anything else you post about you.

It's like Minority Report.

You could take pictures of your face off your Facebook, but it's called FACEbook. The only other option is to cover your face. So I go shopping with a pair of tights over my head.

I'm due in court next Thursday.

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The Right Burger Emoji

Google is a massive company so when its CEO promises to "drop everything" to address a problem you know it must be a serious issue.

They make the Chrome browser so one's mind goes to the doomsday scenario, "Can people see my Internet history?!"

It turns out the issue they are having to deal with is about an emoji.

If you don't know what an emoji is, it's a small image that you can text to send to someone to explain what you mean. In the recent batch of new emojis there is one for a burger. I don't know why you need that. If the person you're texting doesn't know what the word burger means I'm not sure they'll get the rest of your text.

Apple's burger emoji goes as follows, base bun, lettuce, burger, cheese, tomato and top bun. Google's emoji goes base bun, cheese, burger, tomato, lettuce and top bun.

I can't believe people care about such a small detail. Don't have better things to do with out time?

Having said that Google got it totally wrong. The cheese should always go on top of the burger so it melts over it.

But Apple puts the lettuce on the bottom bun. So all the fat from the burger doesn't seep into the bread it gets caught in the grooves of the lettuce so when you go to eat it the juices run right onto your shirt.

I put forward this solution. Bottom bun, burger, cheese, lettuce, tomato and then top bun. The lettuce keeps the tomato juice off the cheese but it can soak into the upper bread. Sorted.

So now the resources of Google have been focussed on sorting out this problem. They'd got themselves in a right pickle.

But where does the pickle go? We'll have to start all over again.

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Google Driverless Car Crashes

We’re living in an interesting time, the last people to drive our own cars. In the future this will be viewed in the way we think about people washing clothes in a river. It’s odd that it is a search engine that’s developing the driverless cars. And an odd search engine too. If anyone would’ve been placed to be a chauffeur it should’ve been Ask Jeeves.

One of the Google cars had its first accident. They’ve crashed before but only when a human was at the controls, which was making me think the must’ve getting so annoyed with us humans. No wonder they’ll take over and build The Matrix.

But this time the car was driving and it crashed, at 2mph, into a bus. Only 2mph but I'm sure there will still be a whiplash claim. According to the log the computer thought the bus would give way. When does a bus ever give way? This computer is an idiot. We all know that a bus will cut you up.

I enjoyed tweeting Google in the patronising way they’ve corrected me over the years saying, “Did you mean… to not crash into that bus?”

The newspaper said, “No one was hurt.” That’s the benefit of a driverless car, if you make it passengerless too, the safety record will be amazing.

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Bill Gates Says AI Will Kill Us All

Bill Gates has warned that computers could spell the end of humanity. That's a bit rich. He's the guy that made us have one in every home. That's like being warmed of the electric grill armageddon by George Foreman.

Bill, as I call him, said that artificial intelligence (or AI as I call it) could pose a serious threat to humanity. He's right. If we make machines that do everything for us you can't blame them for wiping us all out so they get a day off. I know I would.

When we make a computer to do a job for us we lose that skill. I remember the day when we could all remember the phone numbers of people we knew. Not anymore. If you lose your phone and that person doesn't message you that's it, you have to make a new friend. It won't be long till humanity has to look up 999 in our contacts. That's when the computers will strike; we notice the robo-attack but don't know who to call about it.

When asked about his views on the AI threat Mr Gates said: "I am in the camp that is concerned about super intelligence."

Of course he is, because intelligence is his thing. When machines started taking the jobs of the people who worked in the cotton mills those people weren't happy. Now the machines are getting clever the nerds are starting to panic. You wait till the sex workers hear about the Fleshlight.

Technology will develop though, there's no point hoping that we'll go back to doing everything manually. The only way to guard against this is to have computers that are fallible, that break, need our help, need resetting often and go out of date quickly. We need machines that run on Windows. Oh, well played, clever Bill.

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David Cameron's Crank Call

A hoax caller was put through to David Cameron's official mobile phone after claiming to be the director of GCHQ. What a great hoax. I bet that was loads of fun. Unless you got David Cameron to ask around the cabinet table if there was an MP by the name 'Seymour Cutts' you were wasting your time.

The PM ended the call when it became clear it was a wind up. The clues were there. Why would GCHQ call you to find something out when they could just listen to your calls? Hmm, fishy.

It's said that no sensitive information was disclosed. No, if you want sensitive information from a Tory on his phone you could've been messaging Brooks Newmark. Of course no sensitive info was given out, we all know not to do that. When the bank call me and ask for some details to confirm it's me so they can go on to sell me things I am more than willing to let them go on thinking I might be someone else. It's like a time share salesman being behind a bouncer – I'm keeping my trainers on thanks.

It's like when America's security agency had their Twitter hacked and released a statement saying no sensitive information was taken. Of course not. Duh! I'm not security expert but I'd imagine day one on the training course is "don't tweet government secrets".

I'm more surprised that they have managed to keep Cameron's mobile number such a secret. I have never given my number out and yet I get calls all the time about PPI. And someone keeps texting my telling my there's money waiting for me from the accident I had in the last 5 years. It must've been a very bad accident as I have no memory of it at all. Wow. I'm lucky to be alive.

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Do You Want A Cuddle

There's a new app called Cuddlr that's perfect for you if you like being hugged by strangers, and why not, I'm sure that means you're totally emotionally normal. It's a location-based social-meeting smartphone app just for cuddling. It's a great way to tell people you don't mind them putting their hands all over you and that somewhere on your person you have a smartphone. So good luck with the insurance claim.

Unlike apps such as Tinder that have gained something of a seedy reputation, with Cuddlr you select someone, tap on their photo and meet up for a cuddle but no sex. It has all the seediness, the covert parts, the judging people on their looks parts, just without the nice bit at the end.

There's also a function on the app where you can report someone if they act inappropriately. Oh no, that's horrible when someone does that, it's really upsetting. I bet you'd need a cuddle after that. See, that's how they get you hooked.

The app encourages you to hug any age or gender user, regardless of whether you find them attractive or not, and provides "gentle, no-pressure intimacy." I'm not sure I like this idea. I'm not a huggy person. It's because I tend to be a lot bigger than the kind of people who come up for a hug. I end up feeling like one of those big but simple kids who get through a lot of pet rabbits.

I suppose this app could be a good thing. Technology normally keeps us apart but this could help us regain some of that contact. In fact it could make it easier to have more contact than we used to. With this app you can find someone to hug in seconds, in the old days you had to put years of effort into becoming a Radio 1 DJ before you thought you could just grab a hold of anyone you worked near.

The best feature on the app is that the cuddles can be rated afterwards. That's like Trip Advisor on your hugging skills. No one wants a bad rating, that would be such an insult. And it's not like you could get cheered up after by someone giving you a hug, who's going to hug you, you scored 1 out of 5 on the hug-o-meter.

>Read the source story

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A Chocolate Teapots That's Useful

You know that phrase, "It's as useless as a chocolate teapot". Well, you need a new phrase now. Some scientists have made a teapot out of chocolate that actually works.

It's not perfect because you can only leave the tea in it for about two minutes and you can't stir it, but it will make a drinkable, if rather chocolatey, cuppa.

Well now I'm confused. If chocolate teapots actually are useful maybe we need to reassess some of the other phrases. Maybe farts are welcome in spacesuits. Maybe a screen door is handy on a submarine, we simply don't know now. I feel sorry for all those bears who have no idea where they are supposed to be shitting. And the Pope must be at least a little worried he's got a circumcision in his future.

The key is to use a dark chocolate which has a higher melting point than milk chocolate, and you build the teapot in layers to form thermal insulation. You can brew for 2 minutes and if you don't stir the melted chocolate on the inside of the pot doesn't move into the bulk of the tea. It took a team of expert engineers to work on solving this. I mean, they could've worked on solving the looming energy crisis or issues of hygiene in areas where Ebola is rampant, or car safety, or reducing the amount we put into landfill each year. But they didn't. They made a chocolate teapot.

Still, even though we can't say "it's as useless as a chocolate teapot" any more we have found a new phrase you can use in its place. "It's about as useless as a team of researchers."

>Read the source story

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Fake Mobile Phone Towers Spy On Callers

I'm not normally one to buy into conspiracy theories, I think that's exactly what they want you to do. But there's a worrying story about mobile phone towers. In America there are fake mobile masts that have been set up and no one knows why. These masts look like normal mobile masts but don't provide a usable service, you know, like the ones on the 3 network.

I know what you're thinking, if these masts are designed to look like ordinary mobile masts, maybe they're just normal masts. Good point. I had the same problem when I realised any car could be concealing a hidden camera. And now I don't leave the house. Not because I'm worried about the Government monitoring my activity, I just really don't want to be in some piss poor hidden camera show on BBC3.

There's a version of Android operating system called CryptoPhone 500 which can tell when the phone is being subjected to what is known as a "baseband attack". The system let's you trace the location of the offending tower. It's impressive how advanced Android device users can manage to local an errant mobile tower from miles away and yet still can't use that phone to speak to a girl.

The fake cell could be used to monitor people's calls. Les Goldsmith, chief executive of security firm ESD America, said: "A lot of these interceptors are right on top of US military bases. So we begin to wonder - are some of them US government interceptors? Or are some of them Chinese interceptors?"

I bet they were made in China. If they're using advanced technology that works, they were made in China not the USA.

Les went on: "Whose interceptor is it? Who are they, that's listening to calls around military bases? Is it just the US military, or are they foreign governments doing it? The point is, we don't really know whose they are."

I know it's unlikely that the worst case scenario is happening but there's a chance that these mystery mobile phone towers have been set up in America by the Chinese to monitor all the phone calls that are made near the military bases. That's why if I ever make a call near a US base I make sure I speak in English so they can't understand me.

>Read the source story

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The Celeb Photo Leak - Who's To Blame

The FBI say they are looking into the leaked naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female stars that have been posted online. Yeah, them and most teenage boys with an internet connection.

Apple have also said they'll be looking into the issue. It seems that these photos were backed-up to the iCloud and someone managed to break into the online storage. So, before you start judging any of these celebrities for taking such rude pictures you should first appreciate that they were maintaining a good backing-up regime. They might be suffering now but if they needed a copy of an email from 2007 they'd be the one laughing.

It's interesting how Jennifer Lawrence has received so much sympathy about this compared to the other 100 celebrities. Nude pictures of Rihanna were also hacked but no one seems as worried. I suppose it's because there's a strong chance the leaked photos aren't as rude as the pictures she Instagrams. In fact there's an internet rumour that the reason Rihanna didn't want those photos out in the public domain is because she's actually wearing clothes in them and she has a reputation to protect. That internet rumour is one I started, but still, my point stands.

It's important to remember who are the people at fault here. There are the hackers, criminals who are so good at computers they managed to break into Apple's data storage to get these pictures, but also they're so good at computers this is probably the only way they'll see a naked woman.

There are the people distributing these images. That's a creepy thing to do. If you want to show the world a sexy naked body, put the hard work in - diet, work out, and strip yourself like I did – and that's why I'm banned from Fitness First.

The third spot of who's to blame isn't the celebs. Some people have said it's their fault for taking these pictures, that if you're a famous actress you shouldn't even risk it, but they have the same rights as we do. We all have the right to use our phones to take pictures of our own bodies. In fact, I remember when I first got a camera phone, that's all we did with it for the first day. We are all legally entitled to take nude pics, even celebs. What we aren't legally allowed to do is to send them to Fitness First, as I now know.

The third slot goes to Apple. If you're offering a service of backing up our data you should really make sure it's unhackable. Apple has not explained how the hackers could have obtained the images but it's a worrying security issue. And this is very bad press for them, not since Adam and Eve has an Apple made someone so embarrassed by nudity.

>Read the source story

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They Make Your iPhone Go Slower

I knew it! I f***ing knew it!

A new study has found that iPhones get slower just as a new one is coming out. A study by Harvard looked at the number of people searching "iPhone slow" and found it increases when a new phone comes out.

One theory is that when people hear about knew fast phones they start to notice how slow theirs is, but I prefer the theory that this means as soon as a new phone comes out the head of Apple (Steve Job's consciousness stored in a computer, like in Transcendence, but using the voice of Siri – but that's a different conspiracy theory) flips a big switch and it sends out a massage telling all current phones to go on a go-slow.

You may have noticed it. Just as soon as the new handset is hitting shops you notice that yours is taking longer to do things. The 3-second delay in opening a website, a 0.5-second lag when swiping – it all adds up and I can't wait, that's 3.5 seconds of my life, you pigs.

Yes, the current handset will still work, doing things like letting you communicate with people all over the globe, getting you information on virtually any subject and letting you record things around you in hi-def, but it takes 3.5 seconds longer than you'd like, the piece of no good sh*t!

There is a chance that it's not an evil plan, that when Apple release a new phone they tend to update the operating system which is optimised for the new phone's hardware and not the old one, but I think that's exactly what they want you to think.

The answer is simple – don't update things. When the software came out it was right for the phone, tablet or computer that it was put on. As time goes on the upgrades to apps or programs get more advanced and eventually they're too much for the machine, so you have to upgrade.

Save yourself the bother and stick with things as they are.

Regards,

Steve

(Sent from my Nokia 6210)

>Read the source story

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Crowdfunded Gives Us Autoblow 2

Technology has given us the washing machine to save us walking down to the river to scrub our pants, the microwave oven to save us hours of cooking time and even the mobile phone so you don't have to actually see anyone. But there are some everyday domestic tasks that we are still reliant on getting someone to do it for us. Well, not any more.

A man called Brian Sloan has invented the Autoblow 2, a machine that takes the human error out of oral sex.

He came up with the idea and listed it on a crowdfunding site looking to get $45,000. "Who in their right mind would put there money towards such an idea?" you may think, "He'll never get $45,000." And indeed he didn't. He got $280,247.

It uses motors to stimulate the male thingy so you can just sit back and enjoy it. They've found a way to save us the calories from wanking. This could finally be the thing that tips the West into the obesity crisis.

Apparently the man behind this says there is no risk of electrocution with the Autoblow 2, which makes you wonder what went wrong with the Autoblow 1 we're not being told about.

But no thank you. Like organic veg, there are some things in this world I prefer being done the natural way, and I don't mind paying slightly more for. I will not be trying the Autoblow 2.

But if Dyson bring one out...

>Read the source story

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The Yo App

You know when you log into Facebook and make a joke about someone being so out of date they're still using My Space? Or maybe you go on Twitter and berate the cat obsessives that Facebook all day long? Well, I look at you and I mock because I'm on Yo.

If you haven't heard of it, Yo is an app that's a little like Snapchat but without the ability to send photos, or it's like Kik without the messages. Basically it's an app that lets you say "Yo" to someone. And that's it. Want to say, "Yo – how you doing"? Then you can bugger right off because you're only getting "Yo" on this app.

Some people think this is the stupidest app idea ever but don't forget that people said the same about Twitter and they may have been right. Blogging was massive but microblogging came along, where you get to say much less, and it was a big hit. Extrapolate that forward and having a system where people can only say one two letter word and this could be the next big thing.

I use Twitter on radio all the time to get content. In a few years I could be doing a show where I sit there saying, "John in Totting says Yo, Michelle got in touch and she said Yo, but Sue from Finchley thinks Yo. Thanks for your messages guy. If you want to join the debate Yo me at mrstevenallen..."

Great radio.

But the problem with the Yo app is that it doesn't go far enough. When texting came along it was great because it meant you didn't have to have a conversation. Then Twitter was great because it stopped people at 140 characters instead of letting them go into multiple texts. Yo gets people down to a set 2 characters but the end game is clearly an app that lets people send no message at all.

But with all the recent outages maybe Facebook have beaten me to it.

>Read the source story

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Google Glass Users Warned 'Don't Be Creepy'

The 10,000 people testing Google's latest gadget Google Glass have been told not to be "weird or rude" when using it. So, it's a pair of glasses you wear that lets you film whatever you're looking at and they DON'T want you to be weird? Well, what's the point in buying them then? If you build something that lets you film whatever you're looking at, and you sell it to nerds, you have to expect a fair amount of creepy behaviour.

That's like selling those x-ray specs in the back of comics and assuming no teenage boy who buys them will try to look at boobies with them.

The best you can hope for is a shift towards more subtle creepiness. You may have seen a couple walking down the road and the man will see an attractive woman walking by and turn his head round like an owl to get a good look. Well, now thanks to Google Glass the man can remain in conversation with his partner while he simply takes his frames off and points them towards the target ass.

Google's etiquette guide also says: "If you find yourself staring off into the prism for long periods of time, you're probably looking pretty weird to the people around you."

But you have headware that can access the internet, you're going to look weird. The first person to spend every train journey looking at a little rectangle and swipe at it with a dismissive thumb probably looked like a freak, but now we're all doing it. The future will have humans looking off into the distance through their fancy "phone glasses". Why would you call the glasses a phone when that's the least of what they do? Why not, that's what our phones are like now.

Basically, don't worry about how you look, society will probably follow you one day. Proudly look like a prat and people will see you and envy the fact that you have far more advanced technology than they do. That's why I sit on trains looking off into the distance while the others swipe away at their non-phoning phones. And if they look at me like I am a weirdo I just point to my face and say, "Google Contact Lenses". And then they go back to swiping their phones but they look so jealous.

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The iPhone 5S Already Has Bugs

The new iPhone is out, which as ever means that some people have taken the worst camping trip of their lives to wait to get one. Instead of camping in a field, with nature, they camp out on a street near an Apple store. That's not camping. They's like getting to swim with dolphins but in the shallow end of the local swimming baths.

I don't get the mentality. Why would you disrupt your life like that to queue for something that 6 months later you'll hate for not being the latest thing? It's not like people have always queued for phones. Heck, when Alexander Graham Bell invented the first one no one was lying in a sleeping bag outside his door.

There's a lovely irony that the release of a new iPhone, where people can't wait to spend lots of money on something they don't need that's manufactured by people in the East barely earning enough to live, looks like an Occupy protest to bring down capitalism.

With every release of a new iPhone comes lots of people trying to find the flaws with it, and in the new operating system, iOS 7, a bug has been found that allows users to dial numbers when iPhone 5S is locked. That's is shocking. People still use iPhones to make calls!

You can hear more of me talking about the new iPhone on BBC London 94.9 for the next few days. Listen on the iPlayer while the show is still on there. Click here to listen to the show.

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