Celebrity Science Is Wrong

Sense About Science (SAS) has published its annual list of what it considers the year's worst abuses against science. This time they highlight some of the stupidest science things celebs have said in interviews.

American singer-songwriter Suzi Quatro said: "I used to get a lot of sore throats and then one of my sisters told me that all illnesses start in the colon. I started taking a daily colon cleanser powder mixed with fresh juice every morning and it made an enormous difference."

Wow. If your enema can clear your throat you must live in a place with really good water pressure.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann used an appearance on a U.S. television show to tell a story of a woman from Tampa, Florida, who said her daughter had become "mentally retarded" after getting an HPV vaccine designed to protect against cervical cancer.

The SAS campaign points out that famous people can spread such anti-science and it can lead to people dying. And besides, if a vaccine could really lead to a lower IQ, Bachmann wouldn't be banning it, she'd be missing out on potential votes that way.

And U.S. reality TV star Nicole Polizzi said in an interview: "I don't really like the beach. I hate sharks, and the water's all whale sperm. That's why the ocean's salty."

If the water was that full of whale sperm the females wouldn't need to find a male to mate. And I'd hate to hear her explanation for anchovies.

Christian Louboutin, a French footwear designer, said, "What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms. So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation."

In that case a man staring into the distance while going red in the face should be sexy. That's the same position he'll be in when he orgasms.

We don't need to worry about this too much though. These people are talking rubbish, but if you get your science knowledge from celebrity magazines you probably weren't going to find a cure for cancer anyway.

>Read the source story

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Fortune Cookie Wins Lottery

When good news stories go bad: A 75-year-old woman from New York won $2 million in the lottery after playing the numbers found in her fortune cookie.

That's good news for Emma Duvoll, she could now buy 1.2 million things from Poundland at current rates. However, I can't help thinking this is bad news for the rest of us. Now, whenever you get sat next to some crystal-loving "spiritual" sort at a dinner party they'll think this proves them right.


Those conversations always go the same way.

"Well, I think there's something out there."

Yeah, and I wish it was you, but you're not, you're right here.

"And I just think there are some things that science doesn't know."

Yep, true. That doesn't mean any old crap you come up with should be considered right though. Just because the Higgs Boson is a new thing doesn't mean your "feeling" about things should be believed.

"I mean, how did that fortune cookie know what numbers to give her?"

I didn't. It was just random numbers that just happened to come up in the lottery.

"Oh come on. You expect me to believe that the fortune cookie just happened to pick the numbers that would come up in the lottery? I mean, what are the chances of that?"

The same f***ing chances of any numbers winning the lottery. And that happens most weeks.


And that's what this story will do, give ammo to people who think one anecdotal story trumps statistical evidence. I always think it's a shame that we have to listen to science deniers prattling on at dinner parties but the science community can't ban then from using our shit. "What's that, you're having a heart attack? It says on your medical records that you think crystals have special heeling properties, so here's some quartz. Good luck!"

I say the news story is bad for us and good for the 75-year-old, but actually, it might be bad for her too. Later in the article it says:

"She plans to invest her winnings and may splurge on a trip to Switzerland to see relatives."

A pensioner, who has come into money, goes to Switzerland. Hmm, this is actually only good news for anyone in her will.

>Read the source story

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Bird Poo Problem Finally Solved

Good news. Science is about to solve the problem of pigeon poo. Yes, we still have disease and famine in the world, but science can't deal with everything all at once.

For too long pigeons have been pooing on us, mocking us from the skies. If you have ever been a victim of a pigeon turd attack you'll know how bad it can be. Someone will say, "It's supposed to be good luck," but if that were true Nelson's Column would win the lottery every week.

As we know from the extensive work of Dastardly and Muttley pigeons are difficult to catch. But a project has been devised that saves the need. The plan is to feed the pigeons a specially-designed bacteria that will make the pigeons poo soap. Instead of making a mess everywhere the pigeons will be cleaning it up.

And there's nothing that could go wrong. If they don't use enough bacteria we won't notice the difference, and if they use too much pigeons will be flying around with a trail of bubbles coming out of their backsides, which will brighten even the saddest day.

It's not been tried yet, but if it works these pigeons could one day be used as pets. Keep a soapy pigeon in the bathroom and you'll never need to buy shower gel again. In fact the applications go further. If this works maybe it could move on to human trials. If humans could poo soap that guy in the nightclub toilets could finally deserve the pound coin tip he wants.

>Read the source story

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They Have Invented A Material That Can Think

In overstated science news: “Scientists discover material capable of ‘thinking’”.

It’s probably not actually ‘thinking’ or that would elevate that material about many animals and quite a few people.

The researchers behind it said that this is the “first example of an engineering material that can simultaneously sense, think and act upon mechanical stress without requiring additional circuits to process such signals”.

This is a great step forward in material science if you want a kitchen counter that can be in a mood with you.

At Penn State University that created this technology that is based on integrated circuits, which process information in a way that is similar to the way the human body does it. From personal experience that will include burying the feelings deep down inside and overeating to compensate. It’s amazing what circuit boards can do.

The team found that integrated circuits capable of performing computational tasks could be achieved using “nearly any material” around us, which makes you feel special now, doesn’t it?

The material can perform complex arithmetic, but it can also be used to detect radio frequencies to communicate light signals for applications like autonomous search-and-rescue systems.

Yeah, but it won’t do any of that, it’ll turn against humanity and enslave us all. That much we can workout without needing a computer to do it for us.

>Read the source story

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Dogs v Humans

I like to keep my eye across scientific breakthrough because I am sure it makes me fun to be near during dinner parties, even though the invites seem to have dried up.

The trouble is science often comes out with headlines that are totally obvious. The latest research I think we could have guessed showed that people have more sympathy to dogs than humans.

In the experiment the researchers made an advert saying, "Would you give £5 to save Harrison from a slow, painful death?"

You see that ad and say, "I don't think the last Star Wars film was that bad."

But look a little closer and in some ads Harrison was a human child and in others he was a puppy. We humans have gave more for the dog than the homosapien.

Surely no one is surprised by that. If there's a dog on a train everyone stops what they're doing to look and enjoy it trying to not fall over. If there's a child on public transport in go the earphones to block the annoying cries.

People go online to look at pictures of dogs. Meanwhile people change their Facebook settings to hide that they're online so they don't have to look at their friends photos of their newborns.

I've met dogs and I have met humans and more humans have been a disappointment.

OK, sometimes if feels like a dog is only with you for the free meals but I've had relationships like that too. At least the canine doesn't argue, and if it does it doesn't make everything about it.

But most of all, we trust dogs more because dogs would never make up an appeal about some fictional character called Harrison just so it could see how we react.

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Eating This Is Good For You

Do you remember the good old days when we used to get conflicting news stories about food? One day eating something was good for you, the next day it was going to kill you. It took some planning and a fancy spreadsheet but eventually I worked out a system where I only eat things during their good-for-you phase.

Now the “watch what you eat” message has moved on from food. I saw the headline, “Oral sex IS good for your health”. It's only a few weeks ago that we heard it was bad for us. This is a whole new column on the spreadsheet now.

After Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson and actor Michael Douglas said their throat cancer was caused by cunnilingus we were all worried. I tried to cut down. I cut back to only after a big meal or if I was going out. You know, just to be sociable.

However, now it looks like fellatio and cunnilingus could actually help prevent cancers. It's good news, but hard to turn it into a chat up line. I find, “Oh, go on. It might stop you getting cancer,” doesn't make someone want to do that to you. It takes a certain kind of person to be willing to put something gross in their mouth just for the health benefits. I now try and pull in Holland and Barrett.

One expert said, “During orgasm, women produce hormones like oxytocin and other endorphins, which have been proven to have protective effects against cancer and heart disease.”

Are they the ones that you also get from eating chocolate? No wonder Willy Wonker so was confident.

It's also been claimed that having regular sex helps to cure the common cold. But who wants to have sex with someone who has a cold? I know there's an upside that the tissues will already be nearby but that's all.

And there's also research that says semen might help with depression. I'm not sure how that works because men get depression and they have loads of semen in them one way or another.

It's an interesting area of research and good to know, because we are at risk of oversubscribing antidepressants, but if your doctor wrote you a prescription for semen you'd probably try to get him struck off.

But who am I to argue with current science. I'd better get some before my spreadsheet tells me to stop.

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Things That Make You Laugh and Gwyneth

In another cover show we talked about the levels of sophistication in the UK sense of humour, Gwyneth's opinions on the science of water, a thing about fancying larger people and probably more.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 6th June 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Chubby Checker Sues Over Willy Slang

Rock'n'roll singer Chubby Checker is suing HP over an app that used his name as a euphemism for penis size.

To explain: That's the computer HP, and not the one who makes brown sauce. The HP sauce people haven't started doing any promotional activity that is linked to penis size. Which is a good thing, because if they started making bottles that look like penises, it'll be a brave person who sits there smacking it till stuff comes out.

The Chubby Checker app, which appeared on websites for Palm OS (owned by Hewlett-Packard), claimed to guess the intimate measurement based on shoe size.

That is, of course, flawed science. Having bigger feet isn't linked to having a bigger penis, or clowns wouldn't look so sad.

Lawyers acting for the singer are seeking £323m in compensation, saying the app has done "irreparable damage" to his reputation.

I think he may be overreacting. Even if his name became synonymous with the male member his career would be OK. It's not bothered Alan JOHNSON, PETER Andre, DICK van Dyke, WILLY Mason and Jason PENISFACE.

HP said it removed the app as soon as it received a complaint from lawyers.

I'm glad the app has been removed as it wasn't a good idea to have his name linked to a penises. You don't want a nickname that when a woman says it she subconsciously thinks of the sentence, "Let's do the Twist."

>Read the source story

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Music Is As Good As Sex

Here's the "science in inverted commas" story of the day:

Canadian researchers have found that listening to music can be as enjoyable as sex.

It can. And I should know, I do a lot of it. I used to do it mainly in the car, but these days it's online. Don't worry, it's not dodgy, I always pay for it.

I also, sometimes, listen to music.

Using MRI scans, they found that areas in the reward centre of the brain - the same part activated when we have sex - became active when people heard a song for the first time.

Oh, so that's only for new music? Eventually after experiencing the same one again and again you get bored and don't enjoy it in the same way? So it really is like having sex.

While talking about this news story with a friend he said, "It must be really weird lying in an MRI scanner trying to enjoy music." Really? And yet you think trying to have sex in there is fine? The chugging of the scanner is like Barry White to you?

This is difficult scientific information to use. I guess all you can do with it is try to listen to more music. It's as enjoyable as sex but in many ways music is better than sex. For example:
It's easier to get hold of.
You can do it on public transport.
Realistically, it's more likely to have Rihanna involved.
You can listen to two songs in a row without the need for a 20-minute break.
If you find one you really like you can recommend it to a friend without society frowning.
And let's be honest, if it's an album track it'll last longer*.

>Read the source story

* Blur's Song 2 was on an album, right?

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Kristen Stewart's Lickable Armpits

Kristen Stewart is in Vogue and in there we find out some details about her former relationship with Robert Pattinson. Apparently he used to like to lick her armpits.

I know what you're thinking, "That's wrong." But it's not as wrong as being unfaithful with married film director Rupert Sanders, just to put it into perspective.

She said it was because they enjoyed each other's smell. I guess that makes sense. It's the logical conclusion to all those Impulse and Lynx adverts. If members of the opposite sex are willing to run through traffic just because of your deodorant when they get there they'll tuck in to where you sprayed it.

I should point out that the last paragraph is not based on any real science, before blokes start spraying full cans if Lynx Africa down their pants.

But it does seem odd. In fact it's on my small list of "things I can knock before I try". Besides, even if I wanted to try it I don't have Kristen's number.

May be it was method acting. Robert played the vampire Edward in Twilight. For a vampire licking under Bella's armpit is like when we dip our finger in soup for a taste.

So, for all of those girls who went weak at the knees thinking about being with Edward, remember he'd be licking your armpits whenever he got peckish. But Jacob was like a dog, and they go round sniffing the bums of anyone they fancy, so maybe the armpit licker is the lesser if two evils.

>Read the source story

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Beer Goggles Really Work

Scientists have found how beer goggles work. If you don't know what beer goggles are, it's the term used to describe how when you're drunk you find people attractive that you wouldn't find attractive in the sober light of day.

I thought it was like kebabs. When you're sober you wouldn't think of it as food, but when you're drunk you fancy it. Only when you're drunk will you find yourself munching on some greasy meat. See, it's the perfect analogy.

But science has proved my theory wrong. Beer goggles work because when you have had too much to drink your brain loses its ability to notice asymmetry. As you may know, symmetrical faces are considered to be more attractive.

They mean a vertical line of symmetry. If you have a horizontal plane of symmetry on your face you won't pull even after they have been drinking.

When you're drunk you can't spot the asymmetrical features of someone's face, you think they're attractive and you take them home. By the same logic you shouldn't choose wallpaper when drunk. You won't spot any nasty asymmetry and you'll wake up the next day wanting to know how you can get it out of your bedroom.

The effect is particularly pronounced in women, with female drinkers less able to distinguish between attractive and not so attractive men after just a couple of vodkas.

So the Phantom of the Opera just needed to hand out a few free drinks and it all could've gone way more smoothly.

>Read the source story

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[Newspaper Column] Dirty Office

Each week the Romford Recorder and Ilford Recorder have the Steve N Allen column. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.

You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.


I saw a headline to a science story this week asking, "What's the dirtiest thing in your office?"

Like most people I thought, "Alex in accounts." There's someone who'll claim they tell their passwords to their interns as a preemptive excuse.

It turns out the story was about research looking at the office items that are covered in germs. In the past we have seen stories saying keyboards are covered in bacteria but the dirtiest thing in the office wasn't on your desk, which is a shame. If no one else uses your computer the keyboard germs are all your own and no one minds their own brand.

The grossest thing was the box of teabags. Workplace teabags have 17 times more bacteria than a ­toilet seat.

That may be so but if someone makes me a cup of tea at work and they use the toilet seat I will get them fired.

To be fair, they always compare the levels of bacteria on things to those on a toilet and it looks bad because people bleech the toilet. If you did that to the teabags you'd reduce the bacteria but you'd ruin the tea.

Other items on the list of germ-covered office goods include the kettle handle, mugs, the fridge door handle and the kitchen tap. This is the perfect news for anyone who is sick of having to make tea for people at work. Show them this column and tell them you want to keep them healthy.

The issue I have with this story is that, as a freelance presenter, you pick up extra work when people are off. So if you work in a radio station, have an extra cup. Then call me when you're feeling rough.

I'll be free to cover any show just as long as you keep Alex from accounts away from me.

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Funny Science

Good news for the comedy world, a scientist has worked out and equation to calculate how funny a joke will be.

This is great. If I do a joke on stage and it doesn't get a laugh I can show my workings and hopefully still get some points.

Expert Alastair Clarke reckons the equation h = m x s explains why we find some things funny. Alastair, an evolutionary theorist from Cumbria, said: “The pleasure we get (h) is calculated by multiplying the degree of misinformation (m) by the extent to which the individual is susceptible to taking it seriously (s).”

So, if you say something that is false (large value for m) but someone believes it (large value for s) it should be really really funny.

But why is it when I say, "No my dear, your bum doesn't look big in that," I don't even get a titter?

>Read the source story

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Coffee Spill and June [Podcast]

This show was all about a coffee spillage and a slight grumble about the weather. And yet somehow it turns into a whole show. It probably defies modern science.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Wednesday 1st of June 2016.)




Download the mp3.

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Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Women Get Ready Longer In Liverpool

While one part of science is busy exploring Mars another branch has some new research for us. According to the latest study, women from Liverpool spend the longest getting ready to go out. This is good information. If you are an impatient man, or a really old man, you know not to date a Liverpool woman. Thanks research!

I don’t think the fact that Liverpool women beat those in Essex really tells us much, but the times involved do. They spend more than 3 hours on average getting dolled up before going out.

If I’d spent 3 hours getting ready I’d want to look like a different person. I’d want a prosthetic face I could pull off later like in Mission Impossible.

The irony is that they spend hours getting dressed and at the end of it they’re not even wearing that many clothes. It can’t take that long to tie some string round your bits.

A typical night-out regime can include anything from applying fake tan, blow-drying and styling hair to exfoliating, moisturising and polishing the skin. Polishing skin? Is that to stop the dust settling.

When you think of all that you do to get ready it’s basically fakery. Fake tan, false nails, false eyelashes, padded bra, dyed hair, drawn on eyebrows and control pants. It’s all lies. There’s even a product called “concealer”. After after you put all that on you go out and try to find someone who loves you for being you.

>Read the source story

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Fat vs Fit

New science says that being overweight can extend life rather than shorten it. That's great news. After Christmas it looks like I might live forever.

Carrying some extra pounds can keep you alive longer. That means my personal trainer has been effectively trying to kill me. That's out of order. Oooh, I could kill him... but he's way fitter and stronger than me, so I won't bother.

It means that all those thin people who look down on the rest of us have lost their moral high ground. Now if you want to get fit you have to admit that it's not about getting healthy, you just want to look good when you get your kit off.

The study shows that people who are modestly overweight have a 6% lower rate of premature death from all causes than people of ideal, "healthy" weight.

All causes is a big list, and I assume it's in the "unlikelier" part of the list when the big people start to do better than the thinnies. Like "death by falling down a cattle grid" or "being blown away in a strong wind". Or even a general "snapping". The thin people are far more likely to succumb.

More common deaths are probably thwarted by fatness too:

Suffering a fall = more likely to bounce
Stabbing = less likely to reach organs
Drowning = more buoyant
Starvation = Well, duh!

>Read the source story

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Would You Rather? Justin Bieber?

Nearly a third of people would rather do housework or go to a Justin Bieber concert that do physical exercise, according to what I can only assume was a badly worded survey.

Do these people realise it's not and either or? If Bieber has managed to convince people he's the only alternative to the gym no wonder he's the biggest celeb in the world. He's be as popular as obesity, and that's doing very well these days.

Maybe that's why he didn't get too many complaints when he was two hours late to start his shows. People were thinking, "Well, this is annoying but it's two hours where I haven't have to try and work out while no-necked guys make me feel bad."

The same survey asked people who often they exercised. 32% said once a month. That's an awful lot of going to see Justin. Seeing him once a month.

But let's not forget there was another option. Doing housework. I could just do a bit of housework and save myself from the gym and JB? Brill. And it explains why teenagers have such messy rooms. That's science.

>Read the source story

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NASA Is Looking For Martians

NASA is looking for Martians. That sounds like a better plan that the people at SETI have. Do spend all your time looking for aliens, just put an ad out and wait for them to come to you.

However, it’s not real Martians they’re after. They're looking for four plucky volunteers to spend a year living on Mars. Don’t do it. I’m not expert but I saw a film with Matt Damon in it and you have to poo on your potatoes or something.

Not only are they not looking for real Martians it’s not the actual Mars, it’s a 3D-printed replica of it. In reality they’re looking for four people who hate people so much they want to lock themselves away. And who wouldn’t want to spend a year locked up with people like that?

It’s for NASA's Chapea programme (that's Crew Health and Performance Exploration Analog for those of you who love a good acronym). The aim? To develop and test the systems that will be used by the first astronauts to visit Mars, with missions planned for the 2030s. So, best case scenario, you DON’T go mad.

The lucky (or should that be brave?) volunteers will be living in a cosy 1,700 sq ft habitat called Mars Dune Alpha. The might seem small for some so they should recruit from people who live in London who would love that much space.

It's designed to simulate the challenges of a Mars mission, including resource limitations, equipment failures, communication delays. It’s like being on the 3 mobile network.

The crew will undertake simulated spacewalks, robotic operations, habitat maintenance, exercise, and even crop growth in the computer-generated reconstruction of the Martian surface.

It might seem silly doing all of this pretend stuff, but remember many people spend their evenings playing computer games pretending they’re answering the Call of Duty, so it’s not too bad.

There are a few requirements. You'll need a university degree in engineering, mathematics, or biological, physical or computer science, and subsequent experience in those fields, or 1,000 hours as a pilot.

If you are a qualified pilot and you want to spend a year grounded, trapped in a space that’s too small to fly in, you probably weren’t a great pilot anyway.

It seems like a faff now but imagine how good that gig would have been to get just before the pandemic.

» Read the source story

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Secret Waves [Podcast]

In this show we talked about that moment when you wave at a stranger and the circumstances that make it happen, with science helping to find if West Ham supporters are better than dog walkers at it.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 10th of August 2017.)




Download the mp3.

     | | | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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The Earth Is Flat

I'm probably too obsessed with celebrities. With the help of my entertainment news correspondent, Larry, we often hear the latest gossip on my radio show about which celebrity has been doing what and to whom.

However, I think they should come with a safety notice. Warning: Some celebs may be idiots.

This week an American basketball star has joined other famous people by saying he believes the Earth is flat. NBA star Kyrie Irving said in a podcast, "This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. I'm telling you, it's right in front of our faces. They lie to us."

It's tempting to reply to that with points about how, if the Earth was flat you'd be able to see out to sea a lot further, a new moon would have a square-edge shadow of the Earth on it, and sat navs wouldn't work, but surely the bigger point should be, "How would you know, you're a basketball player!?"

Experts dedicate their lives to studying science and say the Earth is round, a famous person says it's flat and we bother to listen to him?

The same thing happens on the show, a researcher spends years looking at some data, finds a conclusion that gets in the news and someone will call in to say, "I've thought about that thing I've just heard about and I don't think they're right."

But you can't say the researchers are cleverer because we have to stroke the ego of the least smart. We pretend that no one is more intelligent than anyone else in case someone gets offended. Why? We don't pretend we're all the same height.

If Prof Stephen Hawkin called me stupid I'd have to take it. Fair point. I'd agree. And so would a lot of other people. But that's because he's famous.

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