Eating This Is Good For You

Do you remember the good old days when we used to get conflicting news stories about food? One day eating something was good for you, the next day it was going to kill you. It took some planning and a fancy spreadsheet but eventually I worked out a system where I only eat things during their good-for-you phase.

Now the “watch what you eat” message has moved on from food. I saw the headline, “Oral sex IS good for your health”. It's only a few weeks ago that we heard it was bad for us. This is a whole new column on the spreadsheet now.

After Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson and actor Michael Douglas said their throat cancer was caused by cunnilingus we were all worried. I tried to cut down. I cut back to only after a big meal or if I was going out. You know, just to be sociable.

However, now it looks like fellatio and cunnilingus could actually help prevent cancers. It's good news, but hard to turn it into a chat up line. I find, “Oh, go on. It might stop you getting cancer,” doesn't make someone want to do that to you. It takes a certain kind of person to be willing to put something gross in their mouth just for the health benefits. I now try and pull in Holland and Barrett.

One expert said, “During orgasm, women produce hormones like oxytocin and other endorphins, which have been proven to have protective effects against cancer and heart disease.”

Are they the ones that you also get from eating chocolate? No wonder Willy Wonker so was confident.

It's also been claimed that having regular sex helps to cure the common cold. But who wants to have sex with someone who has a cold? I know there's an upside that the tissues will already be nearby but that's all.

And there's also research that says semen might help with depression. I'm not sure how that works because men get depression and they have loads of semen in them one way or another.

It's an interesting area of research and good to know, because we are at risk of oversubscribing antidepressants, but if your doctor wrote you a prescription for semen you'd probably try to get him struck off.

But who am I to argue with current science. I'd better get some before my spreadsheet tells me to stop.

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