Vegan Paint?

We love news about the royals. We also live TV shows about bad drivers on our roads and recently those two categories of news have overlapped.

Not all the royal news has sounded like an advert for Lawyer4Money, Meghan Markle hit the headlines when reports came out that she is using vegan paint to decorate her ‘gender-free’ nursery.

I’m sure people got upset by the use of the phrase ‘gender-free’, but we have done that for decades. If you don’t know what you’re having you’d paint a nursery a natural colour. We weren’t being snowflakes we just didn’t want the hassle of more DIY when the nappy stuff starts.

The part that caught my attention was vegan paint. We are living in a vegan age. Just before Christmas the turkeyless turkey sandwich sold out from Marks and Spender in record time and the infamous Gregg’s vegan sausage roll was all over the news.

I have tried one. It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t become ill, gender-fluid or a communist, so I don’t know why Twitter was so upset.

I perform stand-up all over the UK and spotted down in Brighton a vegan shoe shop. I didn’t know shoes were edible. I’d have to be really hungry but it’s better than some kebab shops I know.

Vegan paint is in the same category. I didn’t know animals were used in the production of paint. I knew there’s a dog that helps to flog Dulux but it’s not harmed in the making of it. I still don’t really know how animals are used but I won’t buy any more duck egg blue just in case.

I’m sure some people will moan about Meghan going the vegan route but isn’t it about choice? Have whatever paint you like. Just doesn’t get the grandfather-in-law to drive you to the shops.

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The Vegan Apocalypse

Do you have your apocalypse plan ready? I have to admit I don’t, but I also haven’t sorted out my pension, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise. In fact, not being ready for the apocalypse might mean I won’t have to worry about reaching my pension years, so maybe it’ll all work out.

Professor Tim Lang, a professor of food policy, has told the government we should be ready in case our computers get hacked, Russia attacks, or something else horrible happens.

The coronavirus pandemic was good training. We all know how to panic-buy like we’re in the Supermarket Sweep final. Tim, however, thinks there’s one group that needs special consideration. He said we need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse.

I think that means we’re misunderstanding what an apocalypse is. I agree that vegans need to be catered for when you invite them to a dinner party. The onus is on you to ensure you have the right food if you’re hosting on a Saturday night.

But if you’re living in a barren, post-apocalyptic dystopia where we have to get by on scraps, I think we all have a responsibility to be less picky. I don’t like green olives, but if the alternative was not eating that month, I’d probably shut up about it.

If we’re in an underground bunker and I share my meagre rations with you, I don’t expect you to look at the ingredients list and say, “Oh, there’s gelatin in this?” in a judgemental way.

Professor Tim Lang said that if people are “in psychological shock, they need to have things they are familiar and comfortable with.” I agree, but when you’re hunting with a sharpened broomstick for food, it’s less about comfort.

If the apocalypse we’re facing is a zombie one, I note that if you get caught and turned into a zombie, you’ll be eating brains. No one stays vegan through the whole apocalypse, one way or another.

I know it’s a common trope for comedians to mock vegans, and I respect the lifestyle during times of plenty. But when things get really bad, you might have to rethink your priorities rather than expect everyone to help you through Armageddon.

I feel sorry for people with gluten intolerance. They’re often grouped with vegans in the category of “difficult people to have around for dinner,” yet they don’t get a mention in the guidance given to ministers. They’ll have to spend their apocalypse feeling gassy and bloated while the vegans get special treatment.

In the end, apocalypse or not, we’re all just trying to survive – vegans, the gluten-free and olive-haters alike.

» Read the source story

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Smell-o-vision

Just when you thought 3D TV was pretty pointless, Samsung are planning to bring back Smell-o-vision.

Why would you want to be able to smell the TV show you are watching? I like to watch Countryfile but I don't want my front room to smell like dung. If I wanted a from room that smelled of animal poo I'd live with a vegan and pull their finger a lot.

This time it's not just scratch 'n' smell technology (the same thing most BMW drivers do at traffic lights, I've seen ya). Samsung have teamed up with a university to develop a small device to attach to the back of a TV set or mobile phone which would release special smells to match what appears on screen.

That's one way to stop me watching Babestation I guess.

Sungho Jin, a professor at the University of California's San Diego Jacobs School of Engineering, said, "For example, if people are eating pizza, the viewer smells pizza coming from a TV or cell phone. And if a beautiful lady walks by, they smell perfume."

And if you watch an Amy Winehouse video you'd do a little bit of sick in your mouth.

>Read the source story

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Podcast ep67: Vegan Sausage Rolls and North Korean Holidays

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E67, a football club gets an interesting new sponsor, Gregg's the bakers upset some meat addicts and we look at how quickly you'll be over January.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

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P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.

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So... It's An Inkjet?

Scientists have done it again. They have achieved a breakthrough that no one asked for but that didn’t stop them. We now have the technology to 3D-print vegan squid rings.

I suppose it is impressive that we can eat things we have printed. You were always able to do this if you really wanted to but it would have tasted a bit like paper.

While this is good news for a few nerds and probably great news for some real squid who will be happy to be replaced by the printed variety, this probably won’t affect many of us.

It’s actually a protein concoction that’s made from algae and beans or something that’s very Holland and Barrett, but they claim it tastes like squid.

The problem with this claim is that squid doesn’t really taste of anything, so it’s easy to copy. In a blind taste test it’s hard to tell squid rings from the little beige elastic bands that postmen leave everywhere. It’s basically the salt that saves them.

I’m still wary of trying 3D-printed food. I’m no Luddite but I know what it’s like try to print with my normal 2D laserjet. I’m worried that I’ll die of hunger while still trying to get the WiFi to connect.

>Read the source story

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The BBC Bigs Up The Butcher of Tehran

The Telegraph told us: “BBC slated for ‘absurd’ obituary of ‘Butcher of Tehran’ Raisi”

First impressions are that it would be a brave and funny business name, “Butcher of Tehran”. A Halal meat shop. But that's not the main point here.

The BBC is facing criticism for saying Ebrahim Raisi, Iran’s hardline president who died in a helicopter crash, had a “mixed legacy”.

Hey, there were good people on both sides, as someone once said. The BBC is all about balance, and you don't want to be too one-sided about a cruel leader.

An obituary published by the broadcaster described the former leader as a figure “loved by hardliners of the Islamic Republic of Iran”. The BBC noted his leadership to ‘reform in processing a backlog of court cases’”.

Since 2021, when Raisi took office, the regime executed 1,844 Iranians, including huge numbers of dissidents and religious minorities, most in sham trials.”

And they are no longer clogging up the courts. Do you know how much quicker a sham trial is compared to a real trial? So, well done BBC for finding a positive spin on this.

Of course, if he was an actual butcher the pressure from the vegan groups would mean the BBC would condemn him in the harshest terms.

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New Pound

It doesn't seem that long ago I was writing about the new five pound note. They were boasting of its technological advances, its fancy polymer and its see-through parts. They said it would be the hardest note to fake but the only thing it will be remembered for is its meat content.

No one seems to know how but cows were used in the production of the new note. I don’t get to feel as upset about that as a vegan, because I keep my notes in a leather wallet, but I was still surprised.

So I have been waiting to see what scandal will surround the new one pound coin that came out this week.

The dodecagonal coin is now legal tender and the same storyline happened. We have heard from experts saying it’s a state-of-the-art lump of metal with its hologram effect on the front and its tiny writing that make it hard to fake.

Now we wait for the scandal. They have laid the ground work with the Royal Mint saying there are extra security features inside the coin that they are not telling us about.

So we’re left the guess that the innards of this new coin are probably made of beef. And to make things worse, they got the beef from a cheap supermarket so it’s actually horse.

I bet the coin is hollow. Or the metal in the middle is actually cheap imported steel from China, putting UK jobs at risk.

What else could the immoral security feature be? They make the disc using the tallow from stray dogs they catch. That’s why it’s called a dog pound. Maybe.

The truth is, it’ll be the least forged pound because these days the pound is so weak there are no criminal gangs who can be bothered.

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[Newspaper Column] Money

Each week the Romford Recorder has the Steve Allen column. And now you can find it in the Ilford Recorder too. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.

You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.


This week I’m in Austria performing my stand-up show.

I could talk about the election over here that nearly saw a far-right candidate in power. A lot of recent elections have gone to the right, the US election for example. And not just on a national level, Ethel is now in charge of my local neighbourhood watch and you do not want to get her talking about foreigners.

But there’s something else that strikes you when you’re aboard, how much you miss our money. Euros feel like fancy parking slips. There’s nothing quite like the good old British five pound note.

It’s always in the news. A while back I read that most fivers in London contain traces of cocaine. Isn’t it gross to think that the tatty old note has been up some chatty person’s nose?

The new five pound note is made from a polymer so you can wipe it clean, but even that note has been in the news.

One headline I saw read, “Have you got a fiver worth £20k?”

I read that I thought, “Wow. Just how much cocaine are on these things?”

Four special polymer notes engraved with a portrait of Jane Austen, by artist Graham Short, have gone into circulation. If you rub your finger over the £ sign it may appear.

Nice idea but stop turning our money into scratch cards. We have enough of a problem with gambling.

On top of all that we hear that the new note uses tallow in its production and therefore isn’t vegan-friendly. Of course it’s not, it doesn’t grow on trees you know.

If you wish to avoid animal by-products, gambling or drugs it’s best to avoid the £5 note. Send them to me. I’ll get rid of them for you.

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Breast Milk Cheese

People in New York can try breast milk cheese. It sounds more like a medical condition than a foodstuff but they're selling it at a New York gallery.

The Lady Cheese Shop is a temporary art installation by Miriam Simun, a graduate student at New York University who hopes to use the craft of cheese-making to raise questions about the ethics of modern biotechnologies.

So it's more of an art thing than an actual eatery. That's why we were told not to play with our food, it ends up like this.

Simun said: "Cheese is the conversation starter. Some people are loving it, and some people are gagging."

I know it's fine but it makes me feel a little queasy. It's made from milk from other humans. It's like a vegan version of cannibalism.

Why are we seeing this fascination with breast milk? It's not just the NY Man Cheese, there's a place in London that sells ice cream made from human milk.

How long till this craze goes too far and a private IVF company brings out the human omelette?

>Read the source story

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