The front of the Daily Mail says: GPs Make £162m Out of 'Ghost Patients'.

Well that's a con. What can a doctor do for a ghost? They're already pretty dead. Prescribing antibiotics is kind of locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

And if you're a doctor how do you treat a ghost? Tell them to open their mouths and say, "Aaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!" (imagine that with some reverb too.)

But it happens. While some of the 'ghost' patients have just moved away from the area yet stayed on the books, some others have actually died. We're paying doctors on the NHS to give healthcare to dead people.

The doctors still get £100 for each dead patient even though they don't actually go to see the doctor. That's a shame. If more dead people went for a check up the waiting rooms would be enjoyable quieter. But the smell would stay the same.

And if they went for tests it would really lower the average results. "Oh, I have an above average lung capacity, do I doctor? Because I can breathe? Interesting." Although it would make me even more above average weight.

We have to sort this. We simply cannot have a system where doctors get paid for dead people, because do you know who's responsible for making a lot of them...

I hate tourists. Well, I hated the film based on one. But sometimes I feel sorry for them. They get charged extra, they get sold utter rubbish and they get death threats in London just for standing on the left of an escalator.

Now the plight of the tourist has hit a new high. A company is selling a coach tour of the M25 orbital motorway. The tourists are paying good money to sit for hours on the M25 in a coach. You can get the same experience if you buy a coach trip to anywhere that involves driving on a coach.

I suppose, in these troubled times it could be value for money. They say it's a 4-hour sight-seeing tour of the M25, but most days it'll take a lot longer than that to drive round the M25.

Trip organiser Simon Ashcroft said: "The only reason people hate the M25 is because they don't embrace it. They don't give it enough time."

Don't give it enough time? I've wasted hours of my life sat in the roadworks between J22 and J16. I've queued up for so long in the "average speed camera" stretch that I worked out I could hit light speed from J17 to J16 and it still would push my average over 50mph.

Simon Ashcroft also said: "We have found out some amazing facts. At the Bell Common tunnel there is a cricket pitch on top of the motorway. But you cannot actually see it." Not really getting the idea of a sight-seeing tour.

But well done to the company. If they can get tourists to part with their money for a drive on a motorway they're going to be rich. I want in on this action. That's why I'm opening up my own money-spinning tourist-exploiting business - The British Queuing Museum, just line up here to buy your ticket...

Have you ever heard of "nomophobia"? I know, it sounds like a fear of kids these days finding things tasty. They always say "nom nom". What was wrong with "yum yum," like in the good old days?

Nomophobia is actually a new condition that's affecting more and more people. It's the fear of being without a mobile phone.

Forget nomophobia, it's more like nomophonia... because you have no mo phone and.. ah, forget it.

Symptoms include losing your cool when you don't have reception. It's an acute feeling. Unless you're on T-mobile when it's more of a chronic condition.

We've all suffered it. You leave the house and realise that you have left your mobile at home. All the time you're out your worrying about all the people who will be trying to reach you, all the texts that will be beeping, all the voicemails piling up. And then you get home and find "No missed calls". You don't notice that you're not popular minute by minute but when you store it all up for the end of the day it's a right kick in the teeth.

Two thirds of those surveyed said they were afraid of losing their phones, with women 9% more likely to have the fear. Maybe they just feel the fear more often because for the first 10 seconds of looking in her handbag she thinks she's lost her phone.

I saw a woman franticly searching for her mobile in her bag saying, "I lost it. Oh god, I've losyt it. I've lost my phone!" While it was ringing!

Phobia therapists suggest treatments such as going phoneless for a while. Or use your phone as soon as you get out of a tube station. You'll be phoneless before you realise.

We could be getting hosepipe bans in Britain soon. Now, before you panic too much, they only ban you from using a hosepipe with water. You can still beat whoever you have chained up in the cellar.

Yes, we're facing the worst drought since 1976. Darn it. If only all that snow that covered the entire nation was made from water or something.

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman said that after two dry winters, South-east England is officially in a drought. We're amazing. We get rained on and drizzled on all the time and yet we manage to have a drought. It's like when you hear about those fat people who don't eat vegetables, so they're massive but still suffer from malnutrition. We're a rainy island having a drought. We're suffering from early-Pauline Quirke style irony.

East Anglia has been in the grip of a drought since last autumn. Next month the Environment Agency is to name more areas under threat.

Let me guess. Areas in the UK that are probably suffering drought will include Birmingham, the Lake District and the North Sea.

I don't really mind the hosepipe ban, I rarely water anything, and I don't mind the ban on sprinklers, as long as that doesn't include ones that put out fires in big buildings if that's where I'm working. What will be annoying is the advice on how to save water we'll have crammed down out necks in the coming months.

They'll have us sharing baths with neighbours, only flushing it if there's flies on it and drinking orange cordial neat from the bottle. And after all the advice from the water companies on the news, they'll go to the travel update and we'll hear about some road closed because of a burst water main.

The Star goes with the story of the boxers David Haye and Dereck Chisora who got into a post- match brawl.

What? Two fighters, who made a career out of hitting people, work out all the time and are probably more full of testosterone than the average bollock, these fighters... got into a fight! Hold the front page!

Oh, that's right, no need to, because this story actually got onto the front page.

Here's what happened. Chisora lost a heavyweight title bout to Ukrainian Vitali Klitschko. After there was a press conference where he and Haye got into it. As it said in the paper: "Former champion Haye first traded insults with Chisora at a press conference. But minutes later their goading had turned into a chaotic and bloody free-for-all."

Another surprise. They war of words didn't last long. I'd assume that's due to a lack of ammunition.

During a press conference, Chisora said Haye was "an embarrassment" in front of the media, adding "How's your toe?". He said that because Haye's defeat at the hands of younger Klitschko brother Wladimir last year was blamed on injured toe.

Breaking a toe is a serious thing for a boxer. It stops them counting to twenty for a start.

Haye then called Chisora a "loser". To which Chisora shouted, "tell that to my face", not understanding that his face was already in the room, so that's what Haye had just done.

Chisora then waded into the crowd and the pair went head to head. An ugly scrap broke out in which Haye appeared to swing his right hand, which was holding a bottle. It was a bottle of orange juice though. Legal experts say Haye could get some prison time for fighting with a dangerous weapon.

Was it even glass, or is it considered dangerous because it might be Sunny Delight?

Film footage appears to show Chisora emerging from the melee brandishing a glass bottle, and he said he was going to "physically shoot David Haye". So, he's not an expert in using a bottle, but he's getting there.

And the latest twist is that David Haye is now on the run from German police. Police quizzed Chisora but it looks like Haye has already headed back to the UK. Last night the British Boxing Board of Control was set to launch an investigation into the incident.

Good, they need to sort this out. As many have been saying, this act of violence has besmirched the good reputation of beating people up for a living.

Most days there's a news story that makes me feel poor. We hear of some bankers getting a bonus of more than I'll ever earn, or we hear that petrol prices are going up, which really makes my arson hobby expensive. But today there's a news story that makes me feel so poor I want to cry.

Kelly Sloan received a letter saying that his dog, Spark, could be eligible for a $30,000 limit credit card.

That dog can get better finance than I can. They think his dog is more likely to repay a loan than I am. I feel like Greece right now.

And to make things worse, the dog has been dead for the last 10 years. So it's not like Spark has been borrowing and repaying for the last decade the build up a good credit rating. It's been buried in the back garden and yet still has better credentials than I have.

The letter read: "We're not offering our low long-term rate to just anyone." That's true. In fact, you're not offering it to anyone at all. You're offering it to a dog.

Don't give a dog a credit card. It'll only use it to buy Acme products in a bid to catch a cat or something. And if you do give a credit card to a dog, don't give it to a normal dog. Give it to a guide dog or a police sniffer. At least they're working dogs. It's credit to the non-working that caused this recession in the first place.

I'll tell you whose fault this is, Harry Redknapp. During his court case we heard that he had thousands paid into a bank account in his dead dog's name. Now banks are thinking dead dogs are the new market.

The dog's owner, Mr Sloan, said: "They've got the right name, the right address, and it's a heck of a deal. She can apply online today, and I guess, get her card."

Spark was a female? And they're just giving her a credit card? I made that mistake once. Still paying it off now.

Scientists have found that goats have accents. Which explains why there's never been a successful goat judge on the American X Factor.

According to a recent study by Queen Mary University of London (tut, we can't even blame American scientists for this) goats acquire different "accents" depending on where they're put to pasture.

So they don't even have to be born in that area to pick up the accent? Ah, they're putting it on. It's like if you go to a posh party, you put on a fancy accent to blend in. Or when you see people on council estates being interviewed on the news. It's like they're making up for a lifetime of dropping Hs by using them all up when they're on the telly.

And if you know you're being listened to by academics from a London University you'd make an effort. Basically these goats are doing their telephone voice.

Researchers found that as the goats grew older and moved with different herds, their voices changed to adopt the specific call of their new herd. They're doing it to blend in and try to be popular. It's like Mark Watson pretending to be Welsh to launch his career.

Before this study, it was believed that only a few types of mammals, such as humans, elephants, and dolphins, were able to develop new accents. And let's be honest, not all humans can develop new accents. If they could I'm sure Birmingham would sound a lot different by now.

A sheep has allegedly given birth to a "half-sheep half-human" baby in Sokoto, Nigeria.

Half-sheep half-human? Dude, that shepherd is going to jail!

A local newspaper reported that after vets delivered the odd-looking lamb at Fakon Idi Veterinary Clinic on 22 January, thousands of curious onlookers were drawn to the clinic.

You'd want to have a look if you knew it was nearby. If something looks a bit freak you have to check it out, which is why we watch the Jeremy Kyle Show every day. Sadly where I live the closest thing to a part-man part-sheet creature is me in a jumper.

Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps (NCDSC) had to step in to disperse the crowd, who were demanding the owner of the sheep to identify himself.

I'd look for the guy with a red paint mark on his stomach. That's how they tell which sheep have been mated with.

However "mutant" looking lambs have been birthed before, notably in Turkey, when a sheep was helped by vets deliver a baby with a head that appeared to have human features. Although the lamb remained alive for some hours, spooked locals eventually slaughtered the animal.

So basically it looks like sheep are on the edge of a breakthrough in evolution to become like us humans. In fact they may already be here but they are too shy to come forward. Yep, they're probably a little bit sheepish.

It's the SomeNews Podcast episode 30.

In this podcast:

The England Football saga with Fabio Capello, Harry Redknapp and some racism. (@01:35)
The UK was plunged into an ice age, and it's coming back. (@07:58)
Do you have pizza addiction? (@12:49)



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On the Guardian: "Doctors' radical plan to tackle organ shortage"

OK, there has been a bit of an organ shortage, but in my defence, it's been cold and these shorts aren't flattering and...

Oh, they don't mean me. They mean organs for transplants. A BMA report has revived the debate about how far doctors should go to help save the lives of patients with organ failure.

At the moment you have to opt in to be an organ donor. There's talk of having an opt out system in Wales. I don't know why we're starting it in Wales. Are we going to use them as a source or organs for the rest of the UK? That's one way to make sure the 51% of people in England don't want you to leave the kingdom, like they do with Scotland.

It makes sense. Instead of only being able to use organs from the few who opt in, or having to rush a grieving relative to make a decision, you could check to see if they opted out, and if not, get down to saving a life.

Some people are against the new system. And you say to them, "Well, opt out then." And they say, "I don't like the presumption that we should be organ donors." And you say, "Oh, I'm sorry. We were trying to help people who are actually dying but we didn't realise you didn't like the hint! Oh, we'll stop it all and rob others of a chance at life just so you don't feel slightly put out."

There's also a plan to keep patients alive till their organs have been used. A sad fact about the human body is that as a soon as you die things start to go off. I have to be honest, I'm in my thirties and some things look like they've hit their sell by date already, but it gets worse on death.

I didn't realise this, because I'm not a doctor/don't watch Holby City, but when someone dies in hospital they are sometimes kept on ventilation till the family can say their goodbyes. But the ventilation is turned off after and the useful bits start to perish. At the moment they can't leave the ventilation on to keep the organs usable till the transplant can be sorted. Why? Are we that desperate to save the 'lecky bill?

Nigel Heaton, professor of transplant surgery at King's College hospital, London, said, "People have qualms about it. The concern is that you are prolonging or introducing futile treatment that has no benefit for the patient."

Hmm, if only it was saving someone else's life at the same t... hang on, it is! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And with great power comes great responsibility. OK, I learn my philosophy from films but I'm making a point.

At the moment up to 1,000 people die each year from a treatable condition because they don't get the transplant because there aren't enough organs.

I think, if there's a way we can help to solve this problem, it is irresponsible to sit back and do nothing. And that's why I hate Noel Edmonds.

He's living the high life doing his "Deal Or No Deal" TV show, but if he put his "Swap Shop" skills to work on this...

According to the Sunday Times, terror chief Osama bin Laden wanted his youngest children to move to the West.

Then what was all that terrorism lark about? Was he just trying to get the house prices to drop so they will be able to afford a nice place over here?

He said: 'Go to US and live in peace'. I think they would've got more peace if their dad didn't keep trying to blow our shit up all the time.

It seems odd, that if you really hated something you'd want your kids to live in that thing and blend in. I really don't like BMW drivers, with the way they cut you up, never indicate at roundabouts and drive right up your arse. But that doesn't mean I secretly want any offspring I have to become passengers.

It makes no sense. There can only really be two situations that fit. Either he secretly hated his children, so his ultimate plan was to send them to the West and hope one if his mates blows then up one day.

Or he really hates the West and he brought his kids up to be right little shits. He may not have brought the West to our knees through terrorism but he can wind us up by sending over his children.

He probably trained them in how to annoy us. I bet they don't know how to queue and will just push in. I bet they have been taught to use a mobile on the quiet coach of a train. And if Bin Laden was truly evil, I bet he taught them how to drive a BMW. Damn you Bin Laden. Damn you!

You have to be careful about setting the wrong precedent. There's a story from Australia, of a man who had his wallet and mobile phone stolen. But the robber handed the phone in at the local police station because he found it contained child porn photos.

What's the take-home message from this story? It's this. If you want to make sure your phone will be handed in to the police if you lose it, put dodgy pictures of kids on it.

See? That's what happens when a thief doesn't think his actions through. The man must've been left saying, "If only I'd have put a nude shot in the wallet I'd have that back too."

At a time when personal theft is going up, people will start to use these techniques, for other items too. When you see a security van delivering the cases of cash you'll spot the printing on the case that reads, "Warning: This case contains images taken at a family beech."

It's a slippery slope and we shouldn't be on it.

There's no justice though, the mugger tried to do the right thing but was arrested when he went to the police station. It turned out he was already wanted for car theft.

Whoever owned that car should've put a child locked in the boot banging to get out, then they would've had their car back within days.

When it comes to health advice, France isn't the place you'd think to look. They've been pumping their women full of industrial grade silicone for years. It's the only country where you could buy fake boobs in Homebase.

But now a French health minister has proved what a genius she really is. Nora Berra wrote in a blog that homeless people should not go outdoors during the ice-cold snap.

Amazing. I've not seen someone put their foot in their mouth like that since a found that "specialist video" online. And trust me, that was the least rude video I saw after I Google "Woman who can fit a foot in her mouth."

You know what, I can't fault her logic. In an ideal world the homeless shouldn't go outdoors. In fact I'll go one step further, homeless people should not be without a home. There you go, that advice has just cured the problem of homelessness too.

In her blog she said toddlers, old people, the sick and homeless were particularly vulnerable in times of extreme cold and should "avoid going outdoors."

I'm not even sure her phrase it fitting for toddlers. They should "avoid going outdoors"? They don't really have a say in the matter. You don't hear many toddlers saying, "I've just got to nip out for some fags."

But saying that homeless people should stay indoors is a level above. It's so insensitive. It's like telling the Fritzl kids they should get out more.

We should put her to work on some of the other issues blighting society. She should tell the unemployed to avoid not getting paid regularly, or tell the obese to avoid eating all the pies. Maybe she could even tell cocaine addicts they should avoid trying to win X Factor or Celebrity Big Brother.

What she really needs to do is to tell politicians like herself to stop talking rubbish. I know, I've gone too far there. That'll never happen.