Review of 2012 - April

The sap was rising, despite Tulisa's lacklustre work in her newly released sex tape. A survey came out saying that only one in eight women are attractive. All surveys in the news are trying to sell some product, so that was probably paid for by a beer company. That's a low score, but imagine how low it would've been without Daily Mail writer Samantha Brick. She told how hard her life is because she's so beautiful. Other women were intimidated by how attractive she was, and she didn't try to provoke the situation, she hid that attractiveness well. Very well. Like seriously, I couldn't even tell.

Samantha said her stunning looks had cost her friendships and even career opportunities. And seeing as I have no friends and my career is on its arse, that means I must be stunning too. So April was a good month.

April saw the UK officially in drought, while the weather gave us rain every day. Rain AND drought, the worst of both worlds. It's like being Ann Widdecombe AND having chlamydia.

April was when we officially found out about the UK's double-dip recession, defined as when you have a short period of growth before things start shrinking again. I won't make any jokes about that as I don't want to be a hypocrite.

In international news, April was when we heard that five people in China were charged in the case of the 17-year-old who sold one of his kidneys on the black market so he could buy an iPad 2. He looked pretty stupid at the time, but now the iPad 2 is obsolete. And the new iPad is even more expensive. That'd cost him and arm and a leg, but he'd probably pay that. I'm sorry, he lost a kidney so I shouldn't take the piss, which is a shame as his other kidney could use the help.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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