Review of 2012 - June

In June we were recovering from the Jubilee celebrations. The Queen had been on the thrown for 60 years. And well done to her, managing to hang on to that job through three recessions.

Poor old Prince Philip, he had to go to hospital. He spent the weekend partying and by Monday had a bladder infection. And most women know what that's like. He missed the concert which was filled with celebrities. Annie Lenox turned up dressed as an angel, which seems like an odd thing to do when the host's 91-year-old husband was rushed to hospital earlier that day.

June saw the Transit of Venus, not a sex van, it was when the planet Venus passed between us and the Sun. Or as it turned out in the UK, it passed between the Sun and our cloud. If you missed it the next time it happens is in 2117, but if you don't think you'll be alive then, you get the same effect if you have those eye floaters.

This was the month when the news started to talk about Fifty Shades of Grey, even though lots of women already knew about it. Dirty women. As a man I will say this, I would never read such filth. I will wait for the film. That's not true. I read Fifty Shades Of Grey. I ended up wicked horny, but no closer to picking what colour to paint the office in. I bought my copy from Amazon. I was a bit worried that the "Frequently Bought Together" items included a cucumber and some tarpaulin.

Jimmy Carr was caught doing what we now refer to as "doing a Starbucks". He was outed for paying very little tax. A lot of people were upset by this, but not me. He made me look like I was a successful comedian. Heck, I'm in a higher tax bracket than a guy who's been on TV, I must be doing all right.

And our hearts went out to Tom Cruise when we heard that Katie Holmes had left him. Stright away the rumour mills started, "Is there another man?" And then, "Or is there another woman?" And then back to, " Or is there another man?" A front page said "Tom Cruise Dumped By Wife". I know he's small, but how did he fit in her colon?

And that wasn't the only poo-related Tom Cruise news in June. Now magazine told us that Tom stayed looking so young by rubbing a mix of nightingale excrement, rice bran and water into his face every night. No wonder Katie left him, he must've looked like the top of Nelson's Column every night.

Apparently it costs £135 per treatment but to be fair, he does look great. So I thought I'd give it a try. I Googled "How to get a bird to poo on me for £135." My June ended with a very strange weekend.

Get ready for the SomeNews Podcast "2012 Review", out on December 31st. Subscribe now for free via iTunes/RSS/email and get it as soon as it's released.

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