Olympics A Shake-Free Zone

Britain's Olympic hopefuls are being warned not to shake hands in case they catch a bug which wrecks their chances of a medal.

But if they're not allowed to shake hands that means they can't be racist. Sepp Blatter in the past said that a hand shake sorts out any racism, so a ban on shaking hands means they'll have to stop being racist... during the Olympics. The time when thousands of people from all over the world visit the UK and the racists will have to keep their thoughts to themselves. So expect to see the Daily Mail letters section grow in size for a while.

I like the idea though. As a bit of a germophobe I often wish that we could end this practice of shaking hands. It's an old tradition that started as a way of showing someone you weren't carrying a weapon. But I tend to just assume most people I meet don't want to kill me. And if I meet someone who doesn't shake my hands I don't think, "Hmm, this guy probably has a sword."

The British Olympic Association chief medical officer Dr Ian McCurdie said they should try "within reason" to avoid shaking hands.

It's harder than it looks. For years I've been trying to find the perfect way to get out of the shake and so far I have found no good answers. If someone puts their hand out for a shake you can't just leave them hanging, you look like the dick in that situation. You also can't shake it and straight away use some alcohol hand rub. You get an ever higher dick status that way.

If someone holds out their hand for a shake there's only one way to get out of it and that is to say, "Oh, we know each other too well for that." And then reach in for a hug. It gets you out of the shake but you're getting full body contact and probably their nits.

This is why I'm praying that the fist-bump catches on. It uses minimum hand contact on a safer area. But there's a cultural undertone to the fist-bump and with all those racists getting all pent up, I don't think I'll be in luck.

One thing I have noticed is that if you do well at something people come up and shake your hand as a way of saying well done. So if we want out athletes to not shake as many hands we need them to not win many golds. Now there's a plan we can stick to.

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