29/07/2014

They Make Your iPhone Go Slower

I knew it! I f***ing knew it!

A new study has found that iPhones get slower just as a new one is coming out. A study by Harvard looked at the number of people searching "iPhone slow" and found it increases when a new phone comes out.

One theory is that when people hear about knew fast phones they start to notice how slow theirs is, but I prefer the theory that this means as soon as a new phone comes out the head of Apple (Steve Job's consciousness stored in a computer, like in Transcendence, but using the voice of Siri – but that's a different conspiracy theory) flips a big switch and it sends out a massage telling all current phones to go on a go-slow.

You may have noticed it. Just as soon as the new handset is hitting shops you notice that yours is taking longer to do things. The 3-second delay in opening a website, a 0.5-second lag when swiping – it all adds up and I can't wait, that's 3.5 seconds of my life, you pigs.

Yes, the current handset will still work, doing things like letting you communicate with people all over the globe, getting you information on virtually any subject and letting you record things around you in hi-def, but it takes 3.5 seconds longer than you'd like, the piece of no good sh*t!

There is a chance that it's not an evil plan, that when Apple release a new phone they tend to update the operating system which is optimised for the new phone's hardware and not the old one, but I think that's exactly what they want you to think.

The answer is simple – don't update things. When the software came out it was right for the phone, tablet or computer that it was put on. As time goes on the upgrades to apps or programs get more advanced and eventually they're too much for the machine, so you have to upgrade.

Save yourself the bother and stick with things as they are.

Regards,

Steve

(Sent from my Nokia 6210)

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