[Newspaper Column] Clowns

Each week the Romford Recorder has the Steve Allen column. And now you can find it in the Ilford Recorder too. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.

You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.

There are some sentences you never think you’ll type, but here goes. Watch out for clown attacks.

There’s enough to be afraid of these days. Terror attacks, hospital superbugs and your fancy new smartphone exploding. Now there’s a new craze trying to make us more afraid. People are dressing up as scary clowns to frighten people.

They are called “killer clowns” although they haven’t killed anyone yet, killer whales have a stronger claim to the name. In the north of England there have been cases of these clowns hiding in bushes and jumping out at people. If you saw a clown coming out of a bush you’d think, “There could be hundreds in there! You know how many can fit in one car.”

Clowns were already pretty scary. Coulrophobia is a recognised fear of clowns but at least in the past they only went round terrifying children at birthday parties. Now they are on the loose.

It’ll end in tears. There are already reports of people carrying custard pies for their own protection.

The craze came over from America and is reminiscent of the film The Purge. Why do people put effort in to making life harder? Why would you want to upset people and scare them half to death? Why not be inspired by The Wombles and pick up little. If it has to be a film be inspired by The Girl on the Train and go get on a train. Or, if it has to be a horror film, be inspired by the film Don’t Breathe and do us all a favour.

They still have the problem in America. In fact I was watching a show the other night about a clown that is scaring a lot of people. There’s a chance he could be President soon.



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