06/09/2024

The Pope V Pets – Who Wins?

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You see them on social media. People who post pictures of their dog that don't have the owner and pet vibe. They have a different feel. You look at the posts and think, “This is oddly familial.” There are undertones of parent and child, maybe step-child seeing as they probably don't have a genetic link. The vibe of parent and step-child isn't better; we all remember Woody Allen.

It turns out there is someone else who doesn't like these people. It's The Pope.

Pope Francis criticised couples who have pets instead of children. The Pope used the words, “This can't go well”. He has definitely seen pictures of doggy mommies who let their little pups kiss them on the lips. That really can't go well. David Beckham once caused an internet upset when people saw a picture of him kissing his daughter on the lips. That was innocent and, more importantly, it's unlikely that David's daughter had spent the afternoon licking her balls.

The Pope's angle is about people having more children. We see a lot of news recently about the falling birthrate but it is in the nature of every religion to promote its followers having many children. It's basic recruitment. If you are a devout follower and you have a child you will bring it up to be a devout follower. The church should get Michael Parkinson to send you a Parker Pen as a thank you gift.

The reason that all religions want you to go forth and multiply is because any religions that preached, “Thou shalt focus on having disposable income and holidays. Maybe just have a few cats,” wouldn't be around today to be counted.

This is meant in a nicer way than it will sound, but a religion telling you to have offspring is like a computer virus including the command to copy. Without that step it really wouldn't work.

The Pope was on a visit to Indonesia and praised those who had a large family while contrasting those to the childless couples who opt to care for cats and dogs. He didn't bother with any nuance. It's not always the case that every couple can have children. IVF can be expensive and it's not as if you're allowed to eat a child if you struggle in the cost of living crisis, so there are many things in the pro pets columns he's missing.

It's a theme he's been on for a while. A few years ago he told the story of a woman who asked him to bless her dog and he called that dog her “baby”. Francis said, “I lost my patience and scolded her.” So we're hoping it really was a dog and not an unfortunately hairy child who really needed a miracle.

Cats and dogs aren't the problem. The quadrupeds aren't replacing children. You can prove this by seeing a family that has children and a pet dog for example. The problem is money. We hear how hard it is for younger people to get on the property ladder. They live with parents into their thirties or rent a room in a house with other strangers. Both situations don't lend themselves to starting a family. You can't have a home birth with a birthing pool in the shared lounge of a houseshare. Someone will end up leaving a passive-aggressive note.

Yes, it can give you the ick when you see someone call a dog, “My baby,” but it's just a figure of speech that people use about their classic car or wine collection. It's hyperbole and doesn't have to mean the couple will never have children.

Don't blame the pets. Stick to handing out wine and telling people not to use contraception. Sooner or later those two will lead to a baby coming along.

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