How To Save The Pubs

Around 30 pubs close every week. That's bad for more than just the pub industry. If we lose our pubs most kebab shops will go out of business, late night taxis will earn less and uggos may never pull again.

Thankfully there are plans to try to help this situation. Brewers are being urged to temp customers with colourful descriptions of their beers. They think it will increase sales after new research suggested 68% of drinkers would try a new ale if there was information about it on the pump.

They mean things like telling you a drink is "clear and golden with a citrus aroma", which is also how sometimes I describe my wee wee, or "refreshing with coffee flavour", although that last one just sounds like a cup of coffee... and also how sometimes I describe my wee wee, which is worrying.

I remember from my drinking days that there is only one drink whose flavour is important, and that's your first drink. That first pint is all about the refreshing, clear, crisp taste that wakes your mouth after a long day at work. That second drink? Meh, who cares what it tastes like as it gets your there. By the fifth or sixth drink all you're looking for is something that'll stay down. By the ninth drink you don't even care if it's technically meant for humans.

So while putting "light and crisp" on the pump might increase the sale of the first drinks, it's upping the sale of the second to ninth that could bring about an 800% boost to sales. They should make labels for the pumps that say, "doesn't make you belch in the face of the person you're trying to chat up" or "goes well with Maccy D's". And if you really must go on about the flavour how about, "tastes of mild hops and spices... on the way back up"?

And as for the aroma, if you could invent an ale that has the "distinctive smell of having been to the gym and definitely not been to the pub", well, sales would go through the roof.

So that's the pub industry saved. Next week I'll be posting details of my plan to save the cinema industry in the face of illegal downloads by reminding people that you can't sit at the back and make out if you're watching a film you got on bit torrent. Well, not without it being really awkward for the rest of your family in that room.

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