21/03/2020

What Will A Corona Wedding Be Like

More coronavirus fallout coming down the news pipes, which I am trying to spin into good news to help us all cope.

We've been told that weddings will be limited to five people. This is good news in many ways. It will help to cut down on social interaction, which can lead to viral spread, but also it means it will cut down the chances of being invited to a wedding.

When the economy takes a downturn it is good to know we won't have to buy toasters for people we hardly know.

It also means good news for anyone who is getting married when they shouldn't. The vicar will say, "If anyone here knows of any reason these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold their peace." There are fewer people to say anything. This is a great time for bigamy.

Is five still too many? We're trying to avoid spreading a disease here. They have cancelled my stand up gigs and some of those only had five people in them, so we can do better.

The church says you need five. You need to have a priest, a bride and groom (or brides and grooms totalling two), and two witnesses. Surely these days the witnesses could be replaced by a CCTV system. We could get that down to three.

The priest? Really needed? With talk of having patients seeing doctors on Skype I'm sure we could do something similar. Doctors have a greater need to interact with you. You may have to disrobe for a doctor. You really really shouldn't for a priest.

We're down to the main two. We can't get lower than that but we could ask them to stand two metres apart and when they go home to have their honeymoon in isolation we could ask that they don't go near each other at all.

That way, they won't just be like newlyweds, it'll be like they have been married for years.

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[Audio]: Here's some audio on panic buying



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