The Swedish company Oatly has just lost a long-running legal battle with Dairy UK. It’s all over Oatly’s attempt to trademark the slogan "Post Milk Generation." The Supreme Court has ruled that they can't have it. Why? Because under a bit of assimilated EU law, the kind we kept just for the nostalgia, presumably, the word "milk" is a protected "designation."
To qualify as milk in the eyes of the law, the liquid must be a "normal mammary secretion." I don’t know about you, but that’s not a phrase I want to see on a café menu. "Would you like some normal mammary secretions in your Americano, sir? Or are you more of a squeezed-grain-water person?" It doesn’t exactly scream "luxury lifestyle." Nothing says ‘refreshing beverage’ like a phrase that sounds like it belongs in a vet’s report.
Dairy UK, the trade association for people who deal in secretions, argued that using the word "milk" in any context for a non-dairy product is "oblique and obscure." They’re worried we’re all so dim that if we see the words "Post Milk Generation" on a carton of oat drink, we’ll immediately think, "Ah, finally! Milk that comes from a post!"
The judges agreed. They said the slogan doesn’t "clearly" describe the product as being milk-free. Instead, they said it describes the consumers, specifically a younger generation who are "concerned" about dairy. So, you can be a "Post Milk" person, you just can't drink a "Post Milk" drink.
It’s the kind of institutional logic that makes your brain itch. The court even came up with a hypothetical analogy: a "Post Alcohol Generation" drink. They said that wouldn't clearly tell you if the drink was alcohol-free or just low-alcohol. I’d argue that if I’m in a "Post Alcohol" phase of my life, the last thing I want is a drink that’s "obliquely" trying to get me hammered.
What’s truly magnificent is the selective nature of the ban. Oatly is banned from using the trademark on food and drink, but they are allowed to keep it on their T-shirts. Apparently, the law assumes that while you might accidentally drink a T-shirt thinking it’s a pint of semi-skimmed, the risk is statistically low enough to be permitted.
We’re living in a world where the government can't fix a pothole or find a bin man who works on Tuesdays, but we have five Supreme Court justices, Lords Hamblen and Burrows among them, spent months ensuring that your oat juice doesn’t get ideas above its station.
It’s about "fair competition," apparently. Because nothing says "fair" like the massive dairy industry using international regulations to bully a Swedish company over a three-word slogan.
If we’re going to be this pedantic, we need to go all the way. I want "Coconut Milk" rebranded as "Tropical Nut Sweat." I want "Milk of Magnesia" renamed "Chalky Tummy Slurry." And let’s not even get started on "The Milky Way." If there isn't a giant cow floating in the vacuum of space, I’m calling the Intellectual Property Office.
But don’t worry, as a middle-aged man whose knees make a noise like a bag of crisps every time I stand up, I’m clearly not part of the "Post Milk Generation" anyway. I’m part of the "Could Really Use a Sit Down" generation.
» Read the source story
| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (YouTube)
.jpg)
