Drones

Have you seen them? They are everywhere. You cannot escape them. And they are annoying.

No, I'm not complaining about the charity muggers on the high street for once, I'm talking about drones.

The number of complaints about drones has drastically increased. There were 3,456 incidents last year compared with only 1,237 in 2015.

It's a predictable trend. There are more drones these days so there will be more complaints. Back in 2011 the only drones you heard about were American military ones being sent in to destroy targets. So there were fewer complaints back then although possibly more serious ones.

There are many ways that we have found to misuse the drone technology. They are often used to smuggle things into prisons. I'm not fully sure how. All I know about smuggling things into prison is from watching Orange Is The New Black on Netlix and there is no way I'd want to have to shove a drone in there.

One of the most common complaints is about invasions of privacy.

Prof David Dunn, from the University of Birmingham, said: "Previously you had a hedge, you had a wall and you could do whatever you wanted in your garden without people disturbing you. That has changed because of drones."

I don't know what they do in their gardens up in Birmingham but do that indoors, you fool.

It's not the drone's fault, it's us. If you give us technology we'll misuse it. My mum used to enjoy standing by the curtains seeing what was happening on the street. If she had access to a surveillance drone she would have loved it.

We just need to stop the bad people using them for bad things. Now, if only there was a way we could keep an eye on them.

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New Pound

It doesn't seem that long ago I was writing about the new five pound note. They were boasting of its technological advances, its fancy polymer and its see-through parts. They said it would be the hardest note to fake but the only thing it will be remembered for is its meat content.

No one seems to know how but cows were used in the production of the new note. I don’t get to feel as upset about that as a vegan, because I keep my notes in a leather wallet, but I was still surprised.

So I have been waiting to see what scandal will surround the new one pound coin that came out this week.

The dodecagonal coin is now legal tender and the same storyline happened. We have heard from experts saying it’s a state-of-the-art lump of metal with its hologram effect on the front and its tiny writing that make it hard to fake.

Now we wait for the scandal. They have laid the ground work with the Royal Mint saying there are extra security features inside the coin that they are not telling us about.

So we’re left the guess that the innards of this new coin are probably made of beef. And to make things worse, they got the beef from a cheap supermarket so it’s actually horse.

I bet the coin is hollow. Or the metal in the middle is actually cheap imported steel from China, putting UK jobs at risk.

What else could the immoral security feature be? They make the disc using the tallow from stray dogs they catch. That’s why it’s called a dog pound. Maybe.

The truth is, it’ll be the least forged pound because these days the pound is so weak there are no criminal gangs who can be bothered.

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Office Crimes

There is a crime that is touching the lives of many people. It is a crime that is going unreported. Its victims are often left visibly shaken. It may have happened to you or someone you know. That crime is office lunch theft.

New research has found that a third of workers have had their lunch stolen in the workplace. I’m self-employed and often work from home so if it happens to me it’s actually a home invasion.

31% of office workers have also had their favourite mug stolen, which goes to show how some people have no morals. At least you can put a label on your mug. You can’t put your name on your lunch as easily. If you sew name tags onto all of your sandwiches it would take ages. It’s quicker to simply change your surname to Ginsters.

Put your name on a mug at work and someone will still use it. That’s why I had a special mug made that says, “World’s Best Impetigo Sufferer”. No one has touched it since.

It’s not just food – if you buy milk it will magically disappear, leave a nice pen on your desk while you walk to the printer, you may never see it again – but it’s the theft of food that seems the most galling because there’s nothing you can do. You can’t call the police. They tell you to stop bothering them.

You have to take the law into your own hands. I started leaving a Post It note on my sandwich in the office fridge that read, “Steve’s food. Do not eat. I have licked this sandwich.”

The good news is, no one took my sandwich that day. The bad news is, they left another Post It that read, “So have I!”

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Eating with Joan Collins

For a while now I have wanted to have a go at the clean eating fad. People like Gwyneth Paltrow have made successful businesses out of telling people to cut out anything enjoyable about eating. That’s good because we were all wondering how she’d get by on the income from being a movie star alone.

I’m rather biased on this issue as eating is one of the two main sources of enjoyment for me and last week my home broadband was disconnected so I lost the other source.

I’m not saying my diet is always healthy but it is often fun. Some health food advocates say you should only eat foods that are in season. We made it through crème egg season and I made the most of it. When people quote the adverts and say, “How do you eat yours?”

I can only answer, “Quickly.”

The problem with me criticism of Gwyneth’s eating habits is, if someone pointed out that she is older than me but she looks so much better, my argument was left collapsed on the floor.

Thankfully this week Dame Joan Collins did the work for me. She had a go at Gwyneth’s fad diets and she’s much older than either of us and still looks great.

I wish I could look like her when I get that old. Not exactly like that. I’d like the young skin without the curves.

I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet where you only eat cabbage soup. I’ve tried the grapefruit diet where you only eat grapefruit. I didn’t even ask about the Rosemary Conley’s hip and thigh diet just in case.

From now on I will live the Joan Collins way when it comes to food choices. I even bought a wristband that says, “What would JC do?”

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Short Marriages

In the UK, 42% of marriages end in divorce. Sad news but it means means 58% end in death, so if you have been divorced you may have got the better end of the deal.

There’s more good news for the divorced as new research says that beautiful people are more likely to have short marriages.

In the study women were asked to rate the attractiveness of 200 men in photos, basically what Facebook is for. The experts found the men who were ranked as more attractive had shorter marriages on average.

On the other hand, if you have just celebrated an anniversary linked to a precious metal or stone, well, I’m sure you have a nice personality.

The research was done by Harvard University but it doesn’t seem that complicated. The theory is that attractive people have more offers and more temptation put in their way. It’s not their fault. What were they meant to do, be moral and stay faithful?

For those of us with faces that aren’t our best feature, any stability in a relationship is caused by the fact we know we don’t get many offers. A partner may be a crazy and annoying blight but we worry we won’t find someone else right away and renting on your own can be expensive.

It’s hard to be beautiful. A few years ago journalist Samantha Brick wrote an article saying that she was hated because she’s so attractive. Then the internet told her how much they hated her, which must’ve convinced her she was really attractive.

The take home message from the university study is that for a long and stable relationship, ladies, you should go after someone who has a face for radio. Steve is on radio weekdays 2pm till 4pm.

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Inflation News

It's that time of year again when they create a fictional shopping basket to work out the rate of inflation. They look at the cost of the items in that basket and work out how much the pound buys you. If that basket were a Poundland one we could save a lot of time.

There are around 700 items in this basket and yet I bet they'd still take it to the 10 items or less queue.

The new items added into this basket include cycle helmets and gin, which makes you wonder how much gin they are buying that they think, “I'm gonna need a cycle helmet tonight”?

Also on the shopping list is rice milk. I've never understood that. How do you milk rice? You must have tiny little buckets and stools.

Chocolate digestive biscuits are now in the shopping basket. We're eating so many biscuits now it's not just inflation that's going up. If we keep on like this the shopping basket will have to include trousers with elasticated waists.

They have also put scooters in the basket. How many scooters are you getting through that you need to buy them on a regular basis? Maybe if you didn't eat so many biscuits you wouldn't break so many scooters.

Bog-standard mobile phone handsets are being removed but if you were buying a lot of pay-as-you-go handsets you were probably a drug dealer.

Smartphones, however, are in the basket because these days they are selling like hot cakes, which if it's a Galaxy Note 7 is one of the warning signs.

One thing is for sure, with a basket full of 700 items including some as big as a scooter I bet the people at the Office for National Statistics wish they'd have spent a pound and got a trolley.

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I'd Tap That

I am fairly sure I am being spied on.

Donald Trump claimed on Twitter that Obama tapped his phone calls and gave no evidence to back that up and I have no evidence that I am being tapped, so it must be equally true.

Then all the security officials in America said it wasn't true. Why would you need to bug Donald? If you want to record him saying something embarrassing just listen to his speeches.

When a White House spokeswoman was asked if Donald Trump accepted that he wasn't bugged she said, "I don't think he does. He firmly believes that this is a storyline that has been reported pretty widely."

Of course it has, the press reported that he tweeted about it. Just because something gets in the news doesn't make it true.

It was pretty widely reported that Trump splashed out on some hotel room entertainment in Moscow but it doesn't make it true, even though that would be funny if it were true.

Which leads me to my point, I am being spied on. Also this week experts claimed Samsung TVs could be hacked by the CIA and MI5 and they could use the microphone on the TV to listen to everything you say. Admittedly they would hear what you say while you're watching TV, so it would include things like, "Ooh, what's he been in before," and "Well, at least The Nightly Show makes the adverts look good."

Do I really think the CIA and MI5 have bothered to hack my TV to listen to me? Well, it's been pretty widely reported. Reported by me on my radio show and Twitter feed but still, it's been reported a lot.

So it's true. I don't mind though. I'm happy to get anyone listening.

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Sheds

I enjoy the property section. It's a window into other people's homes, although that's a bad metaphor because there are windows into people's homes, we call them windows.

I like seeing how other people live. I've been tempted to book in to see some properties for my own personal version of Through The Keyhole.

You see a lounge with a massive bar or a TV so big you know that's all the residents care about and you ask, “Who lives in a house like this?”

Imagine my excitement when I was looking at property section and saw the garages up for auction in Abbotts Close. I don't need to park in that area but after seeing David Cameron's £25,000 shed this week I got shed envy.

The former Prime Minister has bought the top of the range shed on wheels. Technically that type of shed is called a shepherds' hut. One presumes if they were known as a pig farmers' hut he wouldn't have bothered.

Cameron plans to sit in his shed and write his memoirs. Imagine how much better my columns would be if I had a shed too.

I could craft these words as I look at the lawn mower or the outlines of tools that are missing from the wall like a DIY crime scene. Sadly, where I live I can't have a shed.

So my plan was to get a lock-up and put a shed in it. Sadly, I didn't win the auction.

Instead I have to live without a shed and see pictures of Cameron's 16 by 7 foot hut with wood-burning stove, sofa bed and sheep's wool insulation. I say to myself in a Loyd Grossman voice, “Who would live in a shed like this?”

I don't think I could print the answer.

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Music News

Music news can tell us a lot.

It was bad news for Bros fans as the Goss brothers announced they were cancelling half of their tour dates. They said it was because of “logistical reasons”, which is widely considered to mean they couldn’t get the band to the audience because the audience had decided to not buy tickets and stay at home.

I understand performing to five people in Newcastle can’t be much fun but, as someone who has taken a few shows to the Edinburgh Festival, if you get a small crowd you still put the show on. I’ve stood on stage saying, “When will I be famous?” but not for the same reasons as Matt and Luke.

They released a statement saying, “All ticket holders for the cancelled shows will receive an automatic refund.” That’s good because previously they have said, “I own you nothing. Ooh ar. Nothing at all.”

I would go on quoting Bros songs but I think I’ve done them all.

Meanwhile Steps have announced they’re getting back together. So, an 80s group cancel gigs and a 90s one put them on. I think this means the 90s is finally “retro”.

80s retro has gone on for longer than the actual 80s did. Decades of boom bring back happier memories than the decades that included a recession. I think that’s why we have had over 10 years of remembering fondly the shoulder pads, skirts and power ballads of the 80s (you should see what I look like in that radio studio).

Finally we are starting to enjoying the decade of Brit Pop, Ben Sherman shirts and seeing Chris Evans lose jobs on TV.

Also in entertainment news, Gorillaz are reforming. They’re from the early 2000s.

That 90s revival didn’t last long, did it?

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Finders Keepers

Finders keepers losers weepers. They used to be the full extent of my legal knowledge. There was a story in the news that the well known saying isn't legally binding. But it rhymes and I thought that made it law.

A woman was found guilty of theft after picking up a £20 note she found in a shop. She didn't hand it in to the cashier, she kept it. In the old days that would have been the end of that story but now with CCTV is everywhere they tracked down the person who lost the cash, tracked down the lady who found the cash and prosecuted her for theft.

If that is the law of the land why aren't people with metal detectors considered the biggest criminal gang?

When you ask people if they would hand in money they have found they all say yes but I am not so sure. Some people would think it is fate saying, “Get yourself something nice.”

I know I would hand in a big bag of money if I found that in the street but that’s because I worry bunch of criminals would be after me, because I get most of my education from films. I know that if I was given the wrong change in a shop and I didn’t realise till I was half way down the street I probably wouldn’t go back, and somewhere between those two is my moral line.

To hand in or not hand in? That has been playing on my mind for days. I finally realised I might belong to a third group. If I found some money on the floor I wouldn’t hand it in, I wouldn’t keep it, but I would probably pretend I hadn’t seen it because knowing my luck some prankster has glued it to the floor.

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When Steve Met Lisa [Podcast]

In this show I got to chat with country music artist Lisa Wright. We talk Spotify, the UK country scene and dead dogs. Oh, and even Car Share.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Saturday 29th of April 2017.)




Download the mp3.

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Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Remembering The Oscars

The mishap at the Oscars was one of my favourite events of the year. It’s easy to think that movie stars are better than us with their perfect smiles and great hair but when it comes to it they can mess up like the rest of us.

If you missed it, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were given the wrong envelope and announced La La Land as the winner of the best picture award before it was taken off them and given to the rightful winner Moonlight.

Some people have taken this news story very seriously but it’s not that bad. Some rich famous people got an award and some didn’t. They’ll all be having a better year than the rest of us, so don’t feel sorry for them.

And if could have been much worse. Warren Beatty could have opened the envelope to read, “And the winner is… you have been entered into the Reader’s Digest prize draw?”

We’ve all said the wrong name before. I introduced a girlfriend by the name of my ex when I was at the Edinburgh Festival a little while back. Thankfully my ex was called Michelle, so I introduced my than partner by saying, “This is Mi… m’new girlfriend.” And I think I got away with it.

I know someone who’s other half said the name of another man while they were kissing and he didn’t raise it till after because he didn’t want to kill the mood.

It was the accountancy firm PWC who made the error. Maybe the votes were kept off-shore for tax reasons, but the wrong film was announced. Credit where it is due, the cast and crew of La La Land took the news very well, because if there’s one group of people who could really make a big song and dance about something it’s them.

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SomeNews v3.0 - ep8 - Trump, Gibraltar and Passports

It's the new SomeNews Podcast.

In the all new v3.0 of the SomeNews podcast Steve N Allen and Erich McElroy chat through the news and bring you a handy digest of the latest. This time we look at Trump's successes, the war on Spain and our freedom to pay £500million for new passports.





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