Reading in The Guardian, we might say congratulations to Sir Kier Starmer for managing to create another no-win scenario. Star Trek fans will know this as a Kobayashi Maru. In fact this is more of a Star Wars story because it's all about a rebellion.
At least 108 Labour MPs have promised to rebel and vote down the Government's welfare reform bill. That's a lot. You can't threaten to remove the whip from that many of your MPs. That way you could shrink yourself down to the third smallest party in the house.
That opens up outcome 1: What if Labour lost this? While it's not a confidence, vote situation the level of embarrassment could be a political puncture under the plimsoll line.
Thankfully for Keir outcome 1 isn't likely. It would take all the rebels and the opposition to actually oppose and that's not what's on the cards.
The front page of The Telegraph we see that Kemi Badenoch has offered to back the PM to get this bill through. It comes with conditions but they're actually a trap. She said she'd lend her party's votes as long as Labour promised to bring down the welfare bill and to promise no make tax increases.
The first one is something Labour go on about all the time, so of course they'll agree to that. But if they agree to the second it'll be a rod that is used to beat them. All signs are looking like there will need to be some form of tax increase. If Labour does this, at the moment, it goes against what it promised in their manifesto. If Kemi can get another promise out of them there's more weight to add to the attack that will happen every Wednesday in Prime Minister's Questions.
That makes outcome 2 a win with the support of the Tories, which is a trap-filled political embarrassment.
Outcome 3 is winning the vote without Tory help but it still leaves so many backbenchers at odds with the party. The story of recent UK party politics is all about dealing with the divisions within the party. The pro/anti-Europe sections of the Tories eventually led to the Brexit vote, which regardless of your thoughts on the results, we can all say it didn't heal the rift for the Conservatives. It's slowly evolved into the Reform UK issue.
Labour is dealing with the pragmatists, of which Keir Starmer seems to be one, and the ideologues. Without the pragmatic element you have a Jeremy Corbyn world where you end up saying, “Well, we lost the election but we won the argument.” That's great if you were in a sixth form debate but you have to realise you were in an election, so winning it was the goal. It's like saying, “Well, we lost that game of foot ball, but we did really well at eating the pieces of orange.”
Pragmatism should be the solution but Keir Starmer seems to have found an extreme version of it where he ignores the feelings of those with ideals. It's true that you don't “need” to worry about it while you have a huge majority but that doesn't last forever.
It's led to bad execution of good ideas. Millionaire pensioners don't need to have the taxpayer helping out with their gas bills, so means testing the winter fuel allowance is a good idea. However, they manage to execute it by hitting pensioners on £14k a year.
If there is a loophole letting rich people use farms to cheat the inheritance tax system find a way to fix it without hitting all farmers.
If there's an issue with the investigation into grooming gangs don't dismiss it because you think you can, only to later do what people were asking for.
It now looks like there will be a compromise. Of course. That was outcome 4 which was the only one left all along. The lesson here is to explore your outcomes in reverse order and maybe, just maybe, try to do the right thing without causing yourself all that damage.
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I don’t know a lot about the process of making soap. I have seen Fight Club but I’m guessing she process is a little more artisanal. In fact I’m fairly sure she doesn’t do any of it herself. She’s teamed up with a soap company, Dr. Squatch, to make a limited edition called “Sydney’s Bathwater Bliss”. Sadly, for anyone wanting to stock up, there were only five thousand bars made.
I remember the days when if you wanted to be the kind of dirty old man who got all hot under the collar about a young woman’s bath water you had to do it on the sly. You’d have had to sneak in and scoop a cup before it swirled down the plughole. These days, like everything, you just click ‘add to basket’.
The Sydney soap sold out in seconds, proving that there is no limit to what people will buy if it has even the faintest whiff of fame attached to it. Maybe “whiff” is the wrong word. I’m sure it smells like soap. She’s not Gwyneth Paltrow.
Each bar only contains a few droplets of her bathwater. I’m fairly sure you wouldn’t notice their presence. Maybe you could find traces of her DNA, so if you’re planning on framing Sydney for a crime this could be the purchase you’re looking for. But if you want to feel that you have somehow bathed with her, you’re not hitting the mark.
The soap has a few traces of her bathwater but thanks to our water companies your own tap water probably has traces of some sewage, so they cancel out.
Sense and logic probably aren’t the main motivating forces behind these purchases. There has been such high demand that the bars are now available on eBay costing thousands. For that much money you could probably have a bath with an actual actress.
Ingredients also include exfoliating sand and pine bark extract. I would have suggested verbena, pomegranate maybe even a little vanilla. Basically anything that’s edible given that I’m sure a few of the guys that buy it will be licking it.
While this news story makes me despair for the future of humanity and proves we’re more fame and sex obsessed than ever before, there’s one part of me that’s happy about it. If this means more people are buying and using soap, my trips on public transport could be slightly nicer.
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Professor Tim Lang, a professor of food policy, has told the government we should be ready in case our computers get hacked, Russia attacks, or something else horrible happens.
The coronavirus pandemic was good training. We all know how to panic-buy like we’re in the Supermarket Sweep final. Tim, however, thinks there’s one group that needs special consideration. He said we need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse.
I think that means we’re misunderstanding what an apocalypse is. I agree that vegans need to be catered for when you invite them to a dinner party. The onus is on you to ensure you have the right food if you’re hosting on a Saturday night.
But if you’re living in a barren, post-apocalyptic dystopia where we have to get by on scraps, I think we all have a responsibility to be less picky. I don’t like green olives, but if the alternative was not eating that month, I’d probably shut up about it.
If we’re in an underground bunker and I share my meagre rations with you, I don’t expect you to look at the ingredients list and say, “Oh, there’s gelatin in this?” in a judgemental way.
Professor Tim Lang said that if people are “in psychological shock, they need to have things they are familiar and comfortable with.” I agree, but when you’re hunting with a sharpened broomstick for food, it’s less about comfort.
If the apocalypse we’re facing is a zombie one, I note that if you get caught and turned into a zombie, you’ll be eating brains. No one stays vegan through the whole apocalypse, one way or another.
I know it’s a common trope for comedians to mock vegans, and I respect the lifestyle during times of plenty. But when things get really bad, you might have to rethink your priorities rather than expect everyone to help you through Armageddon.
I feel sorry for people with gluten intolerance. They’re often grouped with vegans in the category of “difficult people to have around for dinner,” yet they don’t get a mention in the guidance given to ministers. They’ll have to spend their apocalypse feeling gassy and bloated while the vegans get special treatment.
In the end, apocalypse or not, we’re all just trying to survive – vegans, the gluten-free and olive-haters alike.
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