Vince Vaughn's Baby Time

Vince Vaughn and his new wife Kyla Weber have announced they are expecting a baby.

That means she is pregnant, not that she is expecting one to be dropped off any day now. She's not Angelina Jolie.

The pair, who married in a private ceremony in Chicago in January, are said to be 'thrilled' by the news. The star of Wedding Crashers has kept his relationship with the 30-year-old estate agent low key.

Well, she is an estate agent. You can't blame him for keeping that quiet.

Having said that, I went out with an estate agent once and it was great. They have such a way with words. She didn't think I had a small willy, she said it was, "compact with potential".

Although she also said it would look better if I had an extension.

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Who Had Robert Pattinson For Dinner?

Twilight star Robert Pattinson has revealed that he was bitten by a lion on the set of his new film.

But teenage girls can breathe easy - the British actor revealed the 'gentle' animal had no teeth. Pattinson, who plays a circus worker in Francis Lawrence's film Water for Elephants, has shot scenes with a number of animals for the film.

No teeth! He was sucked by a lion. I think there are websites for people into that.

That's nice that lions with no teeth can still find work. In mankind the only thing you can do if you have no teeth is join the Pogues.

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Fat Bottom Birds

An obese kookaburra has been given its own personal trainer to get back into shape.

You know we live in a world were abundance is a problem when even the wildlife gets too fat.

A Sydney resident brought the bird to the zoo after spotting dogs chasing it along the ground.

Why did they intervene? Sounds like it needed the exercise.

The native Australian bird got into trouble with its weight when residents at a Sydney park began feeding her meat from the barbecues. The kookaburra's been down at the rehabilitation aviary for a couple of weeks on a special 'lite n'easy' diet designed by the zoo's bird keeper.

It's not the first strange-looking bird to be offered rehab. But the other one said, "No, no, no!"

>Read the source story

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Eva Mendes On Being A Sex Symbol

Eva Mendes has said that she likes being a sex symbol.

If I were a sex symbol I'd be the "full stop" sign. (That's the UK version of the jokes. If you're in America it would be the "period", which is much sicker.)

Eva is enjoying being a sex symbol so much she says she doesn't want to start a family yet.

So, she wants to have lots of sex but not get pregnant...



Seems like good advice to me.

Talking about her sex symbol status she said, "I'm proud of it, absolutely, because why not? I can access that side quite easily, and I enjoy it, but certainly how boring if that was all I had to offer."

"The goal is to explore all sides."

Explore all sides? What, like this...

>Read the source story

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Britney Spears' Plans After Death

Britney Spears wants to be frozen after her death - so she can be brought back to life later.

That's a great idea. In fact, it's so good, why wait till she's dead?

The idea of being cryogenically frozen is that they will thaw you out in the future when they have found a cure for whatever was just about to kill you. Well, a cure for that and a cure for freezer burn. I have some peas in my freezer that look pretty rough. That's no way to spend the rest of our days.

It also depends on what was just about to kill you. If it was cancer, all well and good. But if it was a high-speed Ford Transit, I'm not sure they'll invent a cure.

In the paper a friend said this: "Brit gets these obsessions and this is the latest. She looked into having her ashes turned into diamonds after she is gone but settled on the chance of getting to live in the future."

Either way she's going to end up iced.

>Read more in the source story

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UK PM Attacks A Little Old Lady

What a brilliant news day. The British Prime Minister, while on a trip to Rochdale, called a woman "bigoted".

To be honest, he was in the north, so it was a good guess.

65-year-old Gillian Duffy asked Gordon Brown some questions about immigration and after he got in the car to leave his microphone heard him say, "She was just a bigoted woman."

Oh, come on. How many of us have had a chat with a 65-year-old and NOT thought they were bigoted?

But even the PM admitted he made a mistake. He is meant to be clever and yet he hasn't mastered the cough-insult that we all do when we want to call someone a name. You end the chat, turn and as you cough you say, "Tosser!" Kids of 10 have mastered that, so Gordon should know how to do it by now.

There's a lot of newspaper coverage of this incident. Maybe it was serious enough to damage Labour's chances, maybe it will do good and the other parties will actually talk about the issue of immigration. But there's one bit of the story that no one seems to have noticed. When Gillian was ranting to the PM she said this: "All these eastern Europeans - where are they coming from?"

Erm... Eastern Europe?

>Read the source story

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Official: Heather Mills Is Hot

Heather Mills is set to be crowned one of the world's sexiest women. FHM magazine say she's been getting 1,000 votes a day in their online poll to name the world's 100 hottest females.

Well, I guess all that money she's about to get in the divorce makes her a bit more fanciable.

Let's be honest, if Anna Nicole Smith was still around she'd have tried to pull Heather.

But FHM is just a bit of a boob-obsessive's magazine, and she's been in the news a lot so she'll get the votes.

I bet she's only half as popular in the foot fetish mags.

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Elizabeth Hurley Quits

Elizabeth Hurley says she has quit acting.

Let's have a little show of hands from anyone who thought she was still acting...

None, good!

I'm not being harsh, but she's not been making films. How can you say you're stopping acting if you've not been acting?

That's like me saying I'm stopping smoking. I never started.

She said: "Filming is very hard with a child, and I found I wasn't able to be a good mum and do movies."

Well, she's quitting for valid reasons. Now, if we could just get Jim Carrey to become a mother...

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Breasts Too Large For Crime

A bikini model in Japan has been cleared of property destruction after an appeal court heard that her large breasts meant she couldn't have committed the crime.

Of course her breasts meant she couldn't be a criminal. They also mean she can't open doors for herself, lift things, or cook. Or at least she's never needed to.

Serena Kozakura was convicted in 2007 of kicking a hole in a man's door and crawling inside, supposedly because she was angry that he was with another woman.

But, in her defence, her counsel asked the court to compare the size of the hole in the door with Kozakura's 110cm bust.

The jury spent three days considering the evidence.

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Amy Winehouse Has Manky Face

Amy Winehouse has been forced to take time off work after she was diagnosed with impetigo.

Oh no, that's means you can't kiss her. Shame!

Worryingly the treatment for impetigo is a course of antibiotics, and if you're taking antibiotics you can't drink. Amy Winehouse can't drink!

The bars in Camden will go out of business.

Impetigo isn't quite as cool as her drug and drink problem. So I don't think we can expect a song saying...

"They tried to make me go to Lloyd's The Pharmacist, I said, 'mmer, meer, mrr'!"

She was trying to say "No, no, no," but with all that impetigo it's a bit mumbled.

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Paris Hilton To Be 'Herself' And A Lesbian

Paris Hilton is to star in a lesbian drama.

That's nothing new. In my mind Paris Hilton has starred in many a lesbian adventure.

She's going to be in the TV show The L Word. Paris told Parade magazine: "It's true. I have no idea what kind of character I'll be playing, but it's a good show."

Let me guess, you'll be playing a woman who flaunts her sexuality around to get attention. No, wait. That wasn't the plot synopsis, it was the actress biog.

Paris's TV career is going from strength to strength as she is also going to star in the show My Name In Earl, playing herself.

That's nothing new. In my mind Paris Hilton has played herself good and proper many a time.

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Woman Wins Triplet Lottery

Allison Penn of Huntington, N.Y. has made the news by giving birth to identical triplets.

Yes, Logan, Eli and Collin were born on Feb. 27 and all three boys are healthy.

It must be great to have three identical kids. You could sit them on the table, put a coin under one of them and move them round, "Here we, follow the coin. Where does it go? No body knows."

You know, the odds of have identical triplets are longer than winning a big lottery jackpot.

Yeah, you've got to be upset with that. Given a choice, I'm sure the kids are great, but you could've bought a new car.

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Amy Winehouse's Lump

Amy Winehouse has a new look. I call it, "60's retro bruised".

She's got a massive lump on her face. As you can see there's a lump in her cheek that isn't normally there. It could be food. By the look of her she's forgotten how to chew.

In the newspaper doctor Hilary Jones said: "I think the most likely explanation is a direct blow, either accidental or deliberate. A skin complaint wouldn't cause swelling."

So someone could've hit her. I see what's happened here. She's come out of rehab saying, "I'll tell you what I need: smack!"

And someone has obliged.

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