Man, Eating Cat

A pet owner who allegedly marinated his cat in oils and peppers, intending to eat it, has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty.

I blame Jamie Oliver. He always saying, "Cook from fresh."

Police found four-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chilli peppers, in the boot of 51-year-old Gary Korkuc's car. The animal was discovered when traffic officers pulled Korkuc over for failing to stop at a stop sign in Buffalo, New York.

Of course he failed to stop, he didn't want his dinner to get cold.

Korkuc reportedly told officers he was punishing his cat for being ill tempered - and told them he planned to cook the cat.

You don't eat a cat if it is ill tempered. It's much better if the meat was tender.

I can't help thinking this was all a mix up. Gary Korkuc would've been at home, about to tuck into the cat, when his wife would walk in and say, "Gary! That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to eat my p" (I'll leave that joke there. It's too rude for even this site.)

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One Lib Dem Coalition Is Over

Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy has split from his wife, Sarah. That shows the real difference between the UK and the US. Over here, our political Kennedys are short, ginger chaps who can't keep women. Tut. Insiders said his alcoholism placed an unbearable strain on their eight-year marriage and they have been spending more and more time apart. She could be in for a lot of money in the settlement... if he takes him empties back. According to the newspaper I read this in...

A source said the couple's split had come as "no surprise".

And I heard Charles was certainly fond of the source. I think it was spelt that way.

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Human Robots

We should feel proud today. British boffins have developed the first ever robot capable of showing human emotions.

Is it really the first? My old Windows Vista machine showed the same emotions as my ex. It would just freeze up when I wanted to do something on it.

But she said I was like her old Amstrad computer. Something about a pathetic memory and an infected floppy.

Anyway, this robot is called Nao and it has had its behaviour modelled on a young child.

It's just like having a baby. He hunches his shoulders when he is sad and raised his arms when he is happy. And if you have two of them the Government gives you a free house.

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Life Is A Naked Rollercoaster

102 thrill-seekers have set a new world record by riding the Green Scream Rollercoaster at Southend-on-Sea, Essex, naked.

Naked? That's not really fair. They strip off on a rollercoaster and they get in the newspapers and record books. I do it and I get banned from Thorpe Park. OK, I was the only one doing it that day, but still.

They were raising money for breast cancer research.

It went well. When the ride finally jolted to a halt you should've heard the applause.

Oh, wait. That wasn't applause. It was the sound of all those boobs slapping together.

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Peter Crouch Cheats On Abbey Clancy

Scandal! According to the news today, Peter Crouch cheated on his fiancé Abbey Clancy while on a stag weekend in Madrid.

I don't really like football, but I do like affairs, so I read on.

I don't think Abbey should be too upset if he was unfaithful. He's Peter Crouch. If he went down on a woman he'd still be three feet above her clunge.

According to the News of the World, the footballer paid £800 to sleep with 19-year-old escort Monica Mint after meeting her at a nightclub.

Monica said, "I can't believe he paid for sex with someone like me when he has a gorgeous woman like her at home."

I think Peter has always fancied a bit of Spanish action. He stopped calling his missus Abbey. Now he calls her Santander.

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Clooney's Clothing Issues

George Clooney went to court in Italy to give evidence against three people accused of fraudulently using his name to endorse a clothing line.

I hope he's upset about them using the word Clooney, because if he doesn't like clothing lines using the name George, wait till he goes in Asda.

The fake designer line never saw the light of day as police stepped in before it went on display at a fashion show in Milan in 2008.

It made sense for them to call the clothes 'Clooney'. They were quite grey but people still liked them.

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Vince Vaughn's Baby Time

Vince Vaughn and his new wife Kyla Weber have announced they are expecting a baby.

That means she is pregnant, not that she is expecting one to be dropped off any day now. She's not Angelina Jolie.

The pair, who married in a private ceremony in Chicago in January, are said to be 'thrilled' by the news. The star of Wedding Crashers has kept his relationship with the 30-year-old estate agent low key.

Well, she is an estate agent. You can't blame him for keeping that quiet.

Having said that, I went out with an estate agent once and it was great. They have such a way with words. She didn't think I had a small willy, she said it was, "compact with potential".

Although she also said it would look better if I had an extension.

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Who Had Robert Pattinson For Dinner?

Twilight star Robert Pattinson has revealed that he was bitten by a lion on the set of his new film.

But teenage girls can breathe easy - the British actor revealed the 'gentle' animal had no teeth. Pattinson, who plays a circus worker in Francis Lawrence's film Water for Elephants, has shot scenes with a number of animals for the film.

No teeth! He was sucked by a lion. I think there are websites for people into that.

That's nice that lions with no teeth can still find work. In mankind the only thing you can do if you have no teeth is join the Pogues.

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Fat Bottom Birds

An obese kookaburra has been given its own personal trainer to get back into shape.

You know we live in a world were abundance is a problem when even the wildlife gets too fat.

A Sydney resident brought the bird to the zoo after spotting dogs chasing it along the ground.

Why did they intervene? Sounds like it needed the exercise.

The native Australian bird got into trouble with its weight when residents at a Sydney park began feeding her meat from the barbecues. The kookaburra's been down at the rehabilitation aviary for a couple of weeks on a special 'lite n'easy' diet designed by the zoo's bird keeper.

It's not the first strange-looking bird to be offered rehab. But the other one said, "No, no, no!"

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Eva Mendes On Being A Sex Symbol

Eva Mendes has said that she likes being a sex symbol.

If I were a sex symbol I'd be the "full stop" sign. (That's the UK version of the jokes. If you're in America it would be the "period", which is much sicker.)

Eva is enjoying being a sex symbol so much she says she doesn't want to start a family yet.

So, she wants to have lots of sex but not get pregnant...



Seems like good advice to me.

Talking about her sex symbol status she said, "I'm proud of it, absolutely, because why not? I can access that side quite easily, and I enjoy it, but certainly how boring if that was all I had to offer."

"The goal is to explore all sides."

Explore all sides? What, like this...

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Britney Spears' Plans After Death

Britney Spears wants to be frozen after her death - so she can be brought back to life later.

That's a great idea. In fact, it's so good, why wait till she's dead?

The idea of being cryogenically frozen is that they will thaw you out in the future when they have found a cure for whatever was just about to kill you. Well, a cure for that and a cure for freezer burn. I have some peas in my freezer that look pretty rough. That's no way to spend the rest of our days.

It also depends on what was just about to kill you. If it was cancer, all well and good. But if it was a high-speed Ford Transit, I'm not sure they'll invent a cure.

In the paper a friend said this: "Brit gets these obsessions and this is the latest. She looked into having her ashes turned into diamonds after she is gone but settled on the chance of getting to live in the future."

Either way she's going to end up iced.

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UK PM Attacks A Little Old Lady

What a brilliant news day. The British Prime Minister, while on a trip to Rochdale, called a woman "bigoted".

To be honest, he was in the north, so it was a good guess.

65-year-old Gillian Duffy asked Gordon Brown some questions about immigration and after he got in the car to leave his microphone heard him say, "She was just a bigoted woman."

Oh, come on. How many of us have had a chat with a 65-year-old and NOT thought they were bigoted?

But even the PM admitted he made a mistake. He is meant to be clever and yet he hasn't mastered the cough-insult that we all do when we want to call someone a name. You end the chat, turn and as you cough you say, "Tosser!" Kids of 10 have mastered that, so Gordon should know how to do it by now.

There's a lot of newspaper coverage of this incident. Maybe it was serious enough to damage Labour's chances, maybe it will do good and the other parties will actually talk about the issue of immigration. But there's one bit of the story that no one seems to have noticed. When Gillian was ranting to the PM she said this: "All these eastern Europeans - where are they coming from?"

Erm... Eastern Europe?

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Official: Heather Mills Is Hot

Heather Mills is set to be crowned one of the world's sexiest women. FHM magazine say she's been getting 1,000 votes a day in their online poll to name the world's 100 hottest females.

Well, I guess all that money she's about to get in the divorce makes her a bit more fanciable.

Let's be honest, if Anna Nicole Smith was still around she'd have tried to pull Heather.

But FHM is just a bit of a boob-obsessive's magazine, and she's been in the news a lot so she'll get the votes.

I bet she's only half as popular in the foot fetish mags.

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