Coma Man Now Speaks Fluent Mandarin

One of the most shocking stories around at the moment is this: "Man wakes up from a coma speaking fluent Chinese".

Although that's not that impressive. There are loads of people who do that every year in the coma wards in China. The reason this is more impressive is that he didn't speak Chinese before the coma. Anyone about to sit a language exam and finding it hard should take note.

Ben McMahon, from Melbourne, Australia, suffered a car crash and was in a coma. When he came out of it he wrote down the words, "I love my mum, I love my dad, I will recover." But he wrote that in Mandarin. At first I imagine the nurses thought, "What a show off. We get it, you're bilingual. You're not a great driver though, so can it." But he went on to exclusively speak it for the next few days.

"I wasn't consciously thinking I was speaking Mandarin," he said in an accent I can't do for political correctness reasons, "It was what just came out and it was what was most natural to me."

Although he learned Mandarin at school, he was never fluent in it. Somehow the coma stopped the part of his brain that speaks English and it was his second language that he used. Science can't really explain how he became fluent though. Although maybe he didn't. When you see someone fresh out of a coma with a bandaged head you feel like a git if you pick them up on grammatical errors.


It's similar to a story that was featured on a TV show where a woman went to bed with a headache and woke with a Chinese accent. Here's a link from a radio show I did that dealt with that.

Listen here


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[Radio Podcast] #StevieAwards and Your Objects

The GQ Awards caused some controversy so we did the same with the #StevieAwards. As it was Wednesday we did an edition of my new weekly feature The Hump Day Shout-Outs, which will only happen for one week. And what objects represent you?

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Wednesday 3rd September 2014.)



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Hello Kitty Isn't A Girl. She's a Monster!

The world is a confusing place, good and evil on every side and nothing is ever black or white, it's the million shades of grey where reality plays out. I got that. I'd made my piece with that. But now I'm lost. Hello Kitty isn't a cat!

It was last week when we first heard reports that Japanese creator Sanrio said she wasn't a cat, she was a British schoolgirl who lived near London. So she's a British schoolgirl, with catlike ears, whiskers and paws, but she's not a cat. That means she is a hideously disfigured schoolgirl. What kind of genetic mutation would make this poor girl grow up with catlike features? I thought Godzilla was the character created to talk about the effects of Hiroshima, but now I think it's these pencil cases.

If you have a child who's a girl but develops cat ears, eyes and hands, maybe don't call her Hello Kitty. It's really drawing attention to the issue. That won't help her get on and live a normal life; it's more likely to turn her into a comic book villain.

It just goes to show that if you see someone who looks like a cat and even has Kitty in there name, don't judge. You don't know what they've been through.

So, just as life started to settle down again, in this strange new world where it's a London schoolgirl I have on my pencil case. I mean, on my manly tool case. (That didn't make it sound better, did it?) Now we hear that Hello Kitty isn't a girl either.

The creators have now confirmed that she is in fact a mixture of the two. A cat/human hybrid. OK, now I'm worried. Which parent is the human and which is the cat, because I'm not sure which is worse. I'm betting human mum and feline father. All of those single women who live alone with lots of cats, it was bound to happen.

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[Radio Podcast] Steve Dreams and Roy Hodgson's Voice

This show contains proof that I am the man of some women's dreams, have a listen. My first TV appearance gets a mention, of course. And Roy Hodgson has the voice of a killer, more proof can be heard here.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Tuesday 2nd September 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Fake Mobile Phone Towers Spy On Callers

I'm not normally one to buy into conspiracy theories, I think that's exactly what they want you to do. But there's a worrying story about mobile phone towers. In America there are fake mobile masts that have been set up and no one knows why. These masts look like normal mobile masts but don't provide a usable service, you know, like the ones on the 3 network.

I know what you're thinking, if these masts are designed to look like ordinary mobile masts, maybe they're just normal masts. Good point. I had the same problem when I realised any car could be concealing a hidden camera. And now I don't leave the house. Not because I'm worried about the Government monitoring my activity, I just really don't want to be in some piss poor hidden camera show on BBC3.

There's a version of Android operating system called CryptoPhone 500 which can tell when the phone is being subjected to what is known as a "baseband attack". The system let's you trace the location of the offending tower. It's impressive how advanced Android device users can manage to local an errant mobile tower from miles away and yet still can't use that phone to speak to a girl.

The fake cell could be used to monitor people's calls. Les Goldsmith, chief executive of security firm ESD America, said: "A lot of these interceptors are right on top of US military bases. So we begin to wonder - are some of them US government interceptors? Or are some of them Chinese interceptors?"

I bet they were made in China. If they're using advanced technology that works, they were made in China not the USA.

Les went on: "Whose interceptor is it? Who are they, that's listening to calls around military bases? Is it just the US military, or are they foreign governments doing it? The point is, we don't really know whose they are."

I know it's unlikely that the worst case scenario is happening but there's a chance that these mystery mobile phone towers have been set up in America by the Chinese to monitor all the phone calls that are made near the military bases. That's why if I ever make a call near a US base I make sure I speak in English so they can't understand me.

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[Radio Podcast] Be Miserable and Hacked Celeb Pics

Only a short show but I tried to cram the bits in, so we talked about the hacked and leaked pictures of the celebrities that caused the online scandal and I had my own statement to make on that topic. We also hear some good news for miserable people, which should've cheered them up.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Monday 1st September 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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The Celeb Photo Leak - Who's To Blame

The FBI say they are looking into the leaked naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female stars that have been posted online. Yeah, them and most teenage boys with an internet connection.

Apple have also said they'll be looking into the issue. It seems that these photos were backed-up to the iCloud and someone managed to break into the online storage. So, before you start judging any of these celebrities for taking such rude pictures you should first appreciate that they were maintaining a good backing-up regime. They might be suffering now but if they needed a copy of an email from 2007 they'd be the one laughing.

It's interesting how Jennifer Lawrence has received so much sympathy about this compared to the other 100 celebrities. Nude pictures of Rihanna were also hacked but no one seems as worried. I suppose it's because there's a strong chance the leaked photos aren't as rude as the pictures she Instagrams. In fact there's an internet rumour that the reason Rihanna didn't want those photos out in the public domain is because she's actually wearing clothes in them and she has a reputation to protect. That internet rumour is one I started, but still, my point stands.

It's important to remember who are the people at fault here. There are the hackers, criminals who are so good at computers they managed to break into Apple's data storage to get these pictures, but also they're so good at computers this is probably the only way they'll see a naked woman.

There are the people distributing these images. That's a creepy thing to do. If you want to show the world a sexy naked body, put the hard work in - diet, work out, and strip yourself like I did – and that's why I'm banned from Fitness First.

The third spot of who's to blame isn't the celebs. Some people have said it's their fault for taking these pictures, that if you're a famous actress you shouldn't even risk it, but they have the same rights as we do. We all have the right to use our phones to take pictures of our own bodies. In fact, I remember when I first got a camera phone, that's all we did with it for the first day. We are all legally entitled to take nude pics, even celebs. What we aren't legally allowed to do is to send them to Fitness First, as I now know.

The third slot goes to Apple. If you're offering a service of backing up our data you should really make sure it's unhackable. Apple has not explained how the hackers could have obtained the images but it's a worrying security issue. And this is very bad press for them, not since Adam and Eve has an Apple made someone so embarrassed by nudity.

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[Radio Podcast] Annoying Home Habits and TOWIE

The first Sunday show back and we were off to a good start, talking about the annoying habits that you find in the people you live with, Arg from #TOWIE went missing but, #spoileralert, he was found, and some other stuff.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 31st August 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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What Makes Sad People Sadder

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but I've not found much to make me happy lately. Finally I read a news story that said "Being miserable could be BETTER for your health", I cheered up, and realised I'd just ruined my health. Typical.

The new piece of research has found that making yourself smile when you don't want to can leave you feeling worse. They needed research to find that? We all know that from experience. The boss comes up to talk to you, you fake a smile, they crack a joke that's as funny as ebola testers in Boots, you fake a laugh, they walk away and as you feel your soul die you headbutt the table. Headbutting tables isn't good for your health, it's simple.

The theory is that forcing yourself to wear a smile when you are in a bad mood trains your brain to associate it with sadness instead of joy. The next time something good happens, you smile and it brings back the feelings of misery.

The study was carried out by Anirban Mukhopadhyay, an associate professor of marketing at Hong Kong University Science and Technology, who said you should wait until your unhappiness lifts before attempting a grin, adding: "Making people who are feeling bad smile could backfire and make them feel worse, because they may interpret smiling as trying to become happy."

In that case you have to feel sorry for Pharrell Williams. He'll be on stage saying he's "Happy" night after night even when he doesn't feel like it. He'll end up the most miserable git going. And as for Supernaturals, by the end of one rendition of Smile the rate of people throwing themselves off buildings has doubled.

It's good to know that faking a smile is bad for you. I can stop doing it on health grounds. The next time someone shows me pictures of their new baby I can sit there stony faced and say it's on doctor's orders.

I wonder if faking other expressions has a similar affect. If I pretend to not laugh when I see someone fall over will I link not laughing with finding something funny? And in the future whenever I'm not laughing I can't help but laugh?

Should woman stop faking orgasms over the risk that they may link orgasms to not having orgasms and before long they won't know if they're coming or going?

Either way I am pleased to read some good news for negative people like me. The last time I read something like this it was a real piece of research that said pessimists live longer than optimists. And I thought, "Knowing my luck I'll probably become an optimists before long."

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[Radio Podcast] EU Ban on Vacuums and Some Tossing

The EU is banning powerful vacuum cleaners and we looked at the negative impact, plus tossing coins became a radio feature, and Whatta Man's lyrics showed us where some people's dating skills are going wrong.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 29th August 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
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Dirty Side of Vacuum Cleaner Ban

Not long till the European law comes in to ban vacuum cleaners over 1,600 watts. They are banning more powerful vacuums in a bid to save the planet. With a weaker vacuum you don't use as much electricity, mainly because you realise it can't suck up most of the dirty and you give in and live like a student. There is a theory that you spend longer vacuuming with a weaker machine therefore increasing the about of energy used but so far no one has tested that theory because I just thought of it just then.

Either way, will the ban on powerful Hoovers really make a difference? Not really. People will still use powerful vacuum cleaners, this ban will just push the trade underground. Instead of buying your 1,600W cleaner from a licensed dealer people will have to seek out an illegal one. That's a slippery slope because these dodgy dealers don't have any care about your cleaning needs. They'll start you off on a 1,600W but then they'll tempt you with a 2kW, maybe a 2.5kW. The next thing you know you're selling your body for something industrial strength.

And it's not just the end users who could suffer from this illegal trade in high-powered cleaners. The environment will be damaged by all the unregulated cleaning and spare a thought for the poor mule who has to shove a Henry Hoover up nature's pocket to get it into the UK.

Passing a vacuum that way can leave quite a mess. The kind of mess you can't clear up with a poxy 900W Hoover. You have been warned.

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[Radio Podcast] If Star Trek Was Real and Immigration Solution

On the day when UKip gained a new politician we solve the UK's immigration problem, we workout what from Star Trek should be invented first, and we solve a coin mystery.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 28th August 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
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A Town Full of Single Women

Picture this, a town that is full of Brazilian women who are so desperate for men they've even written a press release about it. It sounds like the plot of a Carry On film where Bernard Bresslaw plays one of the Brazilian woman who can't pull. But it's not. It's real.

Noiva do Cordeiro, in southeast Brazil, has a 600-strong population that is entirely female, and I'm assuming one heck of a population of cats too. The women are tired of this situation. They want a man to sweep them off their feet and treat them like a princess but they're fresh out. One desperate female, 23-year-old Nelma Fernandes, saying, "Here, the only men we single girls meet are either married or related to us, everyone is a cousin." If you have to contemplate breeding with your own cousin you already are being treated like royalty.

Nelma added, "We all dream of falling in love and getting married." It's nice that there's a place where you can still find such a positive attitude to marriage, even if that is a place that hasn't seen an actual man for years. She said, "I haven't kissed a man for a long time." So it's kind of like you're married already. Stay strong Nelma.

But before any man reading this packs a case, buys a plane ticket, learns the Portuguese for "let's have some sex" ("Vamos ter um pouco de sexo"?) and sprays himself with 15 cans of Lynx, let's stop to think. Why is there a town with no men in it? Did they get really unlucky with the birthrate? Did the town's midwife used to work as a chicken sexer in China? Is the town hard to find and no man has ever stopped to ask directions?

The unusual settlement was founded by Maria Senhorinha de Lima, branded an adulterer and excommunicated after fleeing her forced marriage. Other women rejected by society joined her in isolation and the town with a "no male" policy was created. If you move to live there you have to work away in the week and only visit on the weekends. If you have any male children they are sent away at the age of 18. You know, sent away, just like what happened to the founder of the town, but for the crime of being male.

Yep, good luck with that single life. And give my love to the cats.

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