The Case of The Missing Putin

Vladimir Putin disappeared from public view for over a week. That sounds amazing. I've love to stay indoors for a week. If I could give the Ocado man a key I wouldn't even go downstairs.

The idea of a leader who stays out of sight could soon be something we appreciate in the UK as the election gets closer. We'll soon be sick of the sight of Cameron and Miliband. That's one of the benefits of living under a corrupt political system; not too much campaigning.

He wasn't seen from the 5th to the 16th of March, which means he deliberately avoided the ides. He could be suffering from a Caesar complex. I don't know what a Caesar complex is, I think it's a shopping centre in Vegas, but Putin is suffering from one.

Some reports said he may have been in Switzerland helping his 31-year-old girlfriend giving birth but more likely is that one the bears he fights finally won a bout. If you see him weakened, crying and covered in blood he may have been beaten up by a bear. Or maybe he was helping his other half give birth after all.

During the time he was away activists held a mock funeral for him. That's what I like about the activists over there, they care. I like the idea of a mock funeral, you'd get to see what your own funeral would be like. Some people say they want everyone there to enjoy it as a celebration of your life. Not me. I want crying, sobbing and people dropping to their knees shouting, "Why God, why? He had so much to give. And was so sexy! At least we think he was. He hadn't been seen by anyone but the Ocado man in ages!"


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