Man Films Potential Shark Attack

There's a new video on the internet that caught my eye. A Californian surfer filmed two sharks swimming closely to him.

Why was he filming it? Was he going to take the sharks to court for attacking him?

Chuck Patterson was his name. He said: "A nine foot shark came out of nowhere, circled twice and slapped his tail on my board before disappearing. Then a minute later, a seven foot juvenile great white swam circles around me for 12 minutes. It was an unreal experience that I will cherish forever."

When the video starts and you see a man filming two nearby sharks you think, "This is going to be the bravest happy-slapping clip I have ever seen."

Here's a video on it...

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Alesha Dixon's Bald

The Daily Mail has been rather nasty to Alesha Dixon. They published a picture of her and said she is going bald.

I hope that's going to be the latest fashion. If this season we're going for baldness and a beer belly, I'm finally in.

Maybe she won't mind what they said because the newspaper also gave her some publicity. The said her new song is released on September 5 and the video sees her "ditch her girl-next-door image for something more provocative".

Oh, when I heard she was being re-branded I thought she was changing her name from Alesha Dixon to Alesha Curries Digital.

Look, let's be honest. She's not going bald. She just has the hair do they call the Croydon Facelift, where the hair is pulled back so tightly it drags the skin up. She's not bald, that's just the hairless skin that would normally be near her eyes.

The Croydon Factlift style will always make women look like they have less hair. Unless it's so tight it pulls skin up from lower down. Then they'd look like they have a goatee.

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Google Street Death

Schoolgirl Azura Beebeejaun sparked panic after she was photographed lying face down and seemingly dead on Google Street View.

She wasn't dead, she was perfectly fine, but she pretended that she had been seriously injured. She has now been offer a job playing up front for Chelsea.

People living in Middle Road, St John's, Worcester, were so concerned they contacted Google in case a crime had gone undetected. A spokesman for Google said: ''The imagery in Street View represents a snapshot in time of Britain's streets and is no different to what anyone might expect to see for themselves around the country."

Hang on a minute. I'm British and I don't expect to see scenes of violence and unconscious bodies lying in the road when I go for a walk. But then, I don't live in Glasgow.

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Here's a video about it too...

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Robbie Williams - Bark For Good

Sorry ladies, Robbie Williams is married now. You'll have to find a different chubber who tries to spot aliens.

He married his long-term partner Ayda. According to the papers she had eight dogs as bridesmaids.

I know they say the bridesmaids shouldn't look more beautiful than the bride, but you're not that bad Ayda.

Robbie said they had eschewed normal wedding day conventions, adding: "The only thing that's traditional is the vows. No hen party, no bachelor party, no wedding showers."

Of course there was no hen party. Most nightclubs have a sign that says, "No dogs!"

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Beckham Dumped On TV

You have to feel sorry for David Beckham. Fabio Capello effectively ended Beckham's international career live on TV.

Getting sacked by TV is pretty low. The only way Capello could've been even nastier would've been if he secretly invited Beckham onto an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show called, "You're too old to perform for me... get out!"

The England boss was asked if David would be part of his plans for the Euro 2012 qualifiers. Capello replied: "I say thank you very much for helping me at the World Cup but he is probably, little bit old."

He has a point. Beckham is old but he's still fit. Old and fit? I'm surprised Wayne Rooney hasn't tried to pay him for sex.

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Man, Eating Cat

A pet owner who allegedly marinated his cat in oils and peppers, intending to eat it, has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty.

I blame Jamie Oliver. He always saying, "Cook from fresh."

Police found four-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chilli peppers, in the boot of 51-year-old Gary Korkuc's car. The animal was discovered when traffic officers pulled Korkuc over for failing to stop at a stop sign in Buffalo, New York.

Of course he failed to stop, he didn't want his dinner to get cold.

Korkuc reportedly told officers he was punishing his cat for being ill tempered - and told them he planned to cook the cat.

You don't eat a cat if it is ill tempered. It's much better if the meat was tender.

I can't help thinking this was all a mix up. Gary Korkuc would've been at home, about to tuck into the cat, when his wife would walk in and say, "Gary! That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to eat my p" (I'll leave that joke there. It's too rude for even this site.)

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One Lib Dem Coalition Is Over

Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy has split from his wife, Sarah. That shows the real difference between the UK and the US. Over here, our political Kennedys are short, ginger chaps who can't keep women. Tut. Insiders said his alcoholism placed an unbearable strain on their eight-year marriage and they have been spending more and more time apart. She could be in for a lot of money in the settlement... if he takes him empties back. According to the newspaper I read this in...

A source said the couple's split had come as "no surprise".

And I heard Charles was certainly fond of the source. I think it was spelt that way.

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Human Robots

We should feel proud today. British boffins have developed the first ever robot capable of showing human emotions.

Is it really the first? My old Windows Vista machine showed the same emotions as my ex. It would just freeze up when I wanted to do something on it.

But she said I was like her old Amstrad computer. Something about a pathetic memory and an infected floppy.

Anyway, this robot is called Nao and it has had its behaviour modelled on a young child.

It's just like having a baby. He hunches his shoulders when he is sad and raised his arms when he is happy. And if you have two of them the Government gives you a free house.

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Life Is A Naked Rollercoaster

102 thrill-seekers have set a new world record by riding the Green Scream Rollercoaster at Southend-on-Sea, Essex, naked.

Naked? That's not really fair. They strip off on a rollercoaster and they get in the newspapers and record books. I do it and I get banned from Thorpe Park. OK, I was the only one doing it that day, but still.

They were raising money for breast cancer research.

It went well. When the ride finally jolted to a halt you should've heard the applause.

Oh, wait. That wasn't applause. It was the sound of all those boobs slapping together.

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Peter Crouch Cheats On Abbey Clancy

Scandal! According to the news today, Peter Crouch cheated on his fiancé Abbey Clancy while on a stag weekend in Madrid.

I don't really like football, but I do like affairs, so I read on.

I don't think Abbey should be too upset if he was unfaithful. He's Peter Crouch. If he went down on a woman he'd still be three feet above her clunge.

According to the News of the World, the footballer paid £800 to sleep with 19-year-old escort Monica Mint after meeting her at a nightclub.

Monica said, "I can't believe he paid for sex with someone like me when he has a gorgeous woman like her at home."

I think Peter has always fancied a bit of Spanish action. He stopped calling his missus Abbey. Now he calls her Santander.

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Clooney's Clothing Issues

George Clooney went to court in Italy to give evidence against three people accused of fraudulently using his name to endorse a clothing line.

I hope he's upset about them using the word Clooney, because if he doesn't like clothing lines using the name George, wait till he goes in Asda.

The fake designer line never saw the light of day as police stepped in before it went on display at a fashion show in Milan in 2008.

It made sense for them to call the clothes 'Clooney'. They were quite grey but people still liked them.

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Vince Vaughn's Baby Time

Vince Vaughn and his new wife Kyla Weber have announced they are expecting a baby.

That means she is pregnant, not that she is expecting one to be dropped off any day now. She's not Angelina Jolie.

The pair, who married in a private ceremony in Chicago in January, are said to be 'thrilled' by the news. The star of Wedding Crashers has kept his relationship with the 30-year-old estate agent low key.

Well, she is an estate agent. You can't blame him for keeping that quiet.

Having said that, I went out with an estate agent once and it was great. They have such a way with words. She didn't think I had a small willy, she said it was, "compact with potential".

Although she also said it would look better if I had an extension.

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Who Had Robert Pattinson For Dinner?

Twilight star Robert Pattinson has revealed that he was bitten by a lion on the set of his new film.

But teenage girls can breathe easy - the British actor revealed the 'gentle' animal had no teeth. Pattinson, who plays a circus worker in Francis Lawrence's film Water for Elephants, has shot scenes with a number of animals for the film.

No teeth! He was sucked by a lion. I think there are websites for people into that.

That's nice that lions with no teeth can still find work. In mankind the only thing you can do if you have no teeth is join the Pogues.

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