Make War, Not Savings

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has warned he will resist further cuts to the armed forces in Chancellor George Osborne's forthcoming spending review.

And I say to Defence Secretary Philip Hammond, "Yeah? You and whose army?"

And he would say, "The British one."

And I would back down.

The Government said that the military would not be immune from further spending cuts, because very little is. We're out of money apparently. But Phil said the "first priority" for the Government should be "defending the country".

But how likely is it that we'd be invaded? We're friends with all of our neighbours; even Iceland has stopped throwing volcanic ash our way. We're all working together now to fight any battles that come up.

Even the right-wing point of view says that if someone wants to invade the UK they don't fight with our army, they just join the EU.

Mr Hammond said there's a "body of opinion within Cabinet who believes that we have to look at the welfare budget again".

Oh, so he thinks we should continue to spend all the money on the defence budget and cut the money to the people who already live in this country. That's not actually going to motivate our armed forces because it's saying, "We have the money to keep employing all you soldiers, but lose a limb and we're giving you nothing!"

So, the Tory ideal is to cut welfare and keep spending on defence, but a Whitehall source said: "There is a real concern that the Lib Dems wants to protect the benefits culture at the expense of the armed forces". The coalition has hit another impasse.

What they don't realise is that there is a way to keep the welfare and defence spending at the current levels. I can't believe they haven't worked it out yet, it's simple. All you need to do is, in the event of a war, send in the people on benefits to fight it.

I've seen Jeremy Kyle. They like fighting.

And they're not busy. OK, most of the money the Government spends on benefits goes to pensioners, but most of them have those motorbility scooters now. They'd be the 109th mechanised brigade.

People on disability living allowance? I hate to say it, but the Paralympics showed you're pretty damn good at most things, so you don't get out of it. I'm not saying you'd have to be infantry, but maybe driving the tanks. That would be great as you could park really close to the enemy.

And the other great thing about sending benefit claimants to war is that those families who earn over £60k on one person's wage will stop complaining that without their child benefit entitlement they won't get a second holiday abroad this year. Claim yourself some benefit and we'll send you abroad all right. I hear Iran is lovely at this time of year.

That's either a really good idea or I'm taking the p***. And if I am, don't blame me. Philip Hammond started it.

>Read the source story

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The Case Of The Escaped Murderer

A prison inmate tried to escape by hiding in luggage. That was risky. OK, you might get out of prison, but if Ryanair get their hands on you, you may never be seen again.

Convicted killer Gavinson Garcia, who is just 5ft 3ins, folded himself in a zipped suitcase — brought in by his visiting girlfriend. Straight away the wardens knew something was wrong. A woman with only one suitcase? Yeah right!

Staff at Yare II jail in Caracas, Venezuela, saw her struggling to drag the wheeled bag near the exit. They checked it and found Garcia inside with his head between his legs.

There are so many questions about this story. Like, if he can get his head between his legs, what does he need that girlfriend for? (To reach things on shelves for him, I guess.)

>Read the source story

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Northern India Rural Olympic Games

The Northern India Rural Olympic Games has been on. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our Olympics, but I do have a thing about useful events. The good events are the ones that would've been useful in the olden days during battle. Fast runners are useful, as are people who can jump over wide rivers. The javelin is like throwing a spear, so that's handy. Even the hammer throw could cause some damage. And that's why things like table tennis don't do it for me. You couldn't win a battle by tapping small plastic balls at your enemy. You'd mildly annoy him.

And the shot put wouldn't be great in a battle because of the distances we're talking about. By the time the enemy is that dear the battles over. "Don't fire till you can see the whites of any spots they have."

But when it comes to pointless events the North India Rural Games are amazing. Some of their events include what they called a "veteran athletes race", which is OAP racing. Anyone who's even moaned about walking behind slow pensioners, you'd never keep up with these guys.

They also had one event where someone balanced a bike on his chin. Useful. "Oh no, the enemy is escaping. If only I had a bike to chase after them. Hang on, what's this on my chin? It's a bike! It was right under my nose all along."

And in one event a man pulled a car with his earlobes. Now, I have often ranted about these events. If your car breaks down and you have to pull it, AND you have something in each hand... put something down. Get a friend to hold it. Don't try to pull your car with your ears.

So, the North India Rural Games aren't that useful, but I'll tell you where there is a sports event that's useful...

In the Philippines they have just held the annual stiletto race. The rules are: Competitors should wear at least three-inch heels, and run 500 meters to the finish line.

That is a useful skill. If you see your bus is about to leave, you've got to cover ground fast in your heels, that's handy. No one ever has to run for a bus while wearing pro training shoes and after fully warming up.

If you watch the videos not only do the men wear the heels, they also complete the look with stockings, a dress, make-up and a wig...


...Yep, drag racing.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 45 - UK's AAA, Bye Pope, and Pistorius Bail

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 45.

In this podcast:

UK loses AAA rating (starts 01:25)
The Pope Quits (starts 03:49)
Pistorius On Bail (starts 06:00)
How Embarrassing (starts 08:46)




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Internet Catches Love Cheat

A love rat was caught cheating on his fiancée after she spotted him embracing another woman on a Russian alternative to Google Maps.

She's devastated, he feels bad, and even Apple are upset that the Russians can do a better alternative to Google Maps than they managed.

Distraught Marina Voinova was searching for an address using Yandex Maps when she made the shocking discovery.

That's unlucky for the guy. You think you've gotten away with having an affair and Street View catches you out. The only way it could be more embarrassing is if you were caught out be Google Earth. That would mean not only are you a love cheat, you're also really fat.

She said: "When Sasha came home, I immediately called him to the computer and asked him to find that address in the map. When the image loaded, Sasha's face changed in colour. I looked in his eyes, waiting for an explanation."

He couldn't give one because he didn't think fast enough. What he should've said was, "Ah, online identify theft!"

>Read the source story

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Bin Laden's Theme Park

Pakistan plans to build a $30 million amusement park and outdoor activity centre on the edge of the north-western town of Abbottabad, where U.S. special forces killed Osama bin Laden.

I think the timing is unfortunate. They should've really built it while he was still there. He spent years living off the grid with nothing to do. He would've loved an amusement park to go to. If ever I have to live off the grid, undercover, I want to do it near Chessington World of Adventure. I'd be on Rameses Revenge. And if they send in the US Navy Seals to get me, they can't, because you're not allowed to push in to the queue in Chessington's, they have signs up.

The private venture in the foothills of the Himalayas will include a zoo, water sports, a mini-golf course and rock climbing. Oh good, I'm glad there will be somewhere where you can go rock climbing... next to the Himalayas. That's like building an indoor swimming pool in Atlantis.

Credit where it's due, it took Harry Potter 8 films before it got a themed tour in Leavesden; Zero Dark Thirty made it in one.

>Read the source story

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Negative Interest Rates

We've had a time of record low interest rates, 0.5%. Many experts have said, "Interest rates can't go much lower." And I always thought, "Well, they can go 0.5% lower, genius!" But it turns out I was wrong. The Bank of England has been thinking about negative interest rates. Or "disinterest rates" as I'm trying to trade mark.

The Deputy Governor Paul Tucker said the idea of charging high street banks to store money centrally, rather than paying them interest, should be explored as a way of easing the flow of credit to the stagnant economy.

This is great. This is the first step towards a world where having money costs you, and not having money doesn't. And that's great for me, because I don't have any. Although if I did get some money I wouldn't have enough money to be able to afford the cost of having money. Oh, this economics lark is harder than it looks.

Tucker said: "I hope we will think about whether there are constraints to setting negative interest rates." Constraints such as law, policies and if they have the "-" character on the signs.

The plan is, if they have a negative interest rate then it would cost banks money to store funds. It would then encourage banks to lend money more, to avoid the costs. And why not? Lending lots and lots of money hasn't caused a global crisis for at least 4 years.

The worry is that such a move would lower the rates the banks pay savers, rates which are often already near zero. And the banks could even start to charge customers.

When I was growing up, if you had money in the bank the bank paid you. And now we've reversed roles. Which is great. Because now, all I need to do it write a letter to my bank and I can charge them £12 for my admin costs.

>Read the source story

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Air India Rap

Air India say they may take disciplinary action against a pilot who complained about his employer on social media... in the form of a song.

I think he should get away with it. Most of us go home and post on Facebook: "Oh, I don't like my job. I got my boss in the secret Santa. I'll spend more than the £5 limit and get him arsenic." But he put the work in. He sat there thinking, "What rhymes with rubbish boss?"

He uploaded a video of a song laced with sarcasm and expletives, just like the rest of the internet, but unlike the rest of the internet, there are no cats in it.

The pilot has promised to take the video down. The airline chief said, "The pilot has also been spoken to." And we can learn from this that social media can ruin careers. Want proof? Last month the Pope joined Twitter. Two weeks ago he had to resign. And he was singing songs about his boss. Well, hymns.

The pilot has unconditionally apologised for posting the song online. So we get a sorry for that song but still nothing about any of David Hasselhoff's back catalogue.

>Read the source story

This was one of the stories I talked about on BBC London 94.9 with Sunny and Shay. Go here to listen to the radio version on the iPlayer.

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The Cartoon Spin-Off

Recently this website has brought you more online video content. There are the SNA News clips, covering subjects such as Plastic Surgery, Bum Fun, Dolphin People, Obesity and Gifts. And there's the topical videos filmed at The Monday Night News Show in London like this one and this one.

So it makes sense that after all of this video content, Mr Steve N Allen should now get his own spin-off cartoon series. So here it is...


View on YouTube
And this Tuesday, if you're in London, come along to the 
recording of my live CD. See for info and tickets.

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No Saving Us

The i paper tells us, "One in six Britons has no savings".

That doesn't apply to me. I have savings. OK, it's just 200 points on my Tesco Clubcard and 5 stamps from Nero, but still, it's something.

The Government want more of us to be saving for the future, but why would we take financial advice from the people who just balls up a AAA credit rating? Our credit rating is now so bad the only place the UK can borrow from is Wonga.com.

The newspaper also says, "8 million adults have nothing put by". I believe the full phrase is "put by for a rainy day" but if rainy days actually cost us money we'd be even more screwed than we are.

One in three adults is not saving currently. How are we meant to save, we've had years of prices going up and wages not. That's like making us live on the Slimfast diet and then moaning that we are not bulking up.

One third of those that have saved have accrued less than £1,000. Well, we have less than a grand in the bank. There's a difference. Maybe people have been saving up a little money but not wanting to put it in the bank. Many people don't like the banks because of what they did. They'll keep their money under the mattress, until Benson's For Beds cause a global meltdown.

So basically, the newspaper is saying we don't have a lot of money and we aren't in a position to save any money. But at least I write this site using a newspaper that only costs 20p. That's a step in the right direction.

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Man With The Golden Shirt

Datta Phuge, a millionaire from Pune, India, has bought a shirt made from solid gold which cost more than £150,000. For a shirt! I won't even buy a shirt if it's dry clean only, with his one you need Brasso.

I should be totally honest, I don't own a solid gold shirt, so I shouldn't really judge. But I think that is a waste of money. It's gold. It'll only go with black trousers. If I'm dropping "150 large" on a shirt I want it to work with any outfit.

The 32-year-old moneylender (and if the person you owe money to has a golden shirt, you're paying too much interest) hired a team of 15 goldsmiths for two weeks to make the shirt. And therein lies the only good thing about this shirt, it'll help him keep slim. If I get fatter I just buy another cheap shirt. If he bloats out he'd have to take his shirt into the jewellers to have it resized.

The end result is a 22-karat gold shirt weighing more than half a stone. Why would you wear a thing like that? Well, he said: "I know I am not the best looking man in the world, but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt?"

Dazzled? Blinded by the light shining off it? Whatever draws attention from your face.

Maybe all this is me being jealous, I'll never be able to afford a shirt like that so maybe that's why I think it's a bad idea. But I'd love to be able to pass him in an airport as we both try to get through the metal detector.

>Read the source story

This was one of the stories I talked about on BBC London 94.9 with Sunny and Shay. Go here to listen to the radio version on the iPlayer.

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Agonise Podcast: Mum's the Word

In the Agonise podcast Mr Steve N Allen and Ria Lina look at letters sent into newspapers' problem pages and give a more honest answer than any agony aunt could.

This episode features a letter from a woman whose partner has a thing for her wellies, or her mum. Or both. To find out more, listen below.


Download the mp3.

    

Hear all the Agonise podcasts here

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A Ban On Screaming Children

There are so many things that could make this world a better place. If we stopped spending money putting handles on doors you have to push open, we could be out of this recession and no longer would be look like an idiot trying to leave a room.

And if we made failure to use your indicators on roundabouts a hanging offence we'd all be happier.

Finally one news story tells us of an obvious improvement to the world that has finally happened. A shopping mall in Australia has banned screaming children. Excellent. I hate it when you're shopping and you see some child on the floor throwing a tantrum, and we just have to pretend we don't mind at all. And the reason I hate it is because I don't get to throw a tantrum like that. It's not fair.

Oh, some 4-year-old has a massive strop while shopping and no one dare say anything in case it upsets the mother. But if 6'2" me lies down and cries for a bit the security guards are called. That's blatant ageism.

In a move which has outraged many parents, the Dee Why Grand shopping complex north of Sydney has told customers screaming children "will not be tolerated". That's harsh language but I assume they'd just be asked to leave. Although putting it like that makes you think they have invented a death ray.

The shopping centre banned screamers after receiving complaints about children becoming too loud near the centre's play area. They put up a sign saying: "Stop. Parents please be considerate of other customers using the food court. Screaming children will not be tolerated in the centre."

They have a point. If your child is screaming you should tell it to sush because the noise is probably upsetting nearby people. It's the audio version of what you should do if your child is smearing it's own poo on the floor. You should tell it to stop, and don't just sit there chatting to other parents just because you have learned to ignore it.

It's interesting that it's only the screaming while having fun that's been banned. They haven't banned children screaming because they're in danger. So while some people think this shopping centre has an old fashioned view it's better than the BBC in the 70s.

>Read the source story

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