Cheryl Cole & Simon Cowell Fight For Louis

The Sun's front page tells us: "Cheryl and Si battle over Louis"

And you think, "Aw, that's sad. Well, maybe Cheryl should get custody and Simon can take him to the zoo on the weekends."

It turns out the issue is that they don't agree on whether Louis Walsh should still be on the show. Simon is keen on keeping Louis on the show, probably because of his years of experience but more probably because Louis has some photos somewhere just in case.

Meanwhile Cheryl has said: "I would prefer another woman." Which kind of makes Louis the perfect compromise, but they don't see it that way.

It's a tricky issue to resolve as Simon had previously said: "When Cheryl came back we decided we'd agree together. I'm not going to put someone beside her who she hates." Bad news for Lilly Allen. And most toilet attendants.

So it looks like the next series of X Factor might not feature Louis Walse. Oh well, he'll just have to go back to... erm, well he can do his other work of... erm... what age can you get the state pension now?

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Elephants Can Hear Ethnicity In Our Voices

Good news: Wild elephants can recognise the gender and ethnicity of human voices.

Thank god for that because for a while back there I was worried that these elephants just thought we all were alike, like the massive grey racists they are. I know elephants are famous for never forgetting, which is a trait shared by the kind of people who go to international football games shouting, "Two World Wars and one World Cup!" And these days you hear about nice elephants who enjoy painting. Well so did Hitler.

But I got to thinking, elephants aren't racist because they think we all look alike, they're racist because they don't. They can discriminate between us, and that's, like, discrimination. (You can see I put a lot of thought into this one.)

The study conducted by researchers at the University of Sussex (where there are lots of wild elephants?) found the elephants demonstrated more fear when they heard the voices of adult Maasai men, compared to Kamba men.

Ooooh, that does seem bad. Just because you hear a gang of Maasia men doesn't mean they're up to no good. OK, like, one Maasia man you met once may have been aggressive but you can't just think that they're all like that. Come on elephants, it's 2014.

The scientists used voice recordings of Maasai men, who on occasion come into conflict with elephants, and Kamba men, who are less of a threat to the animals. The recordings contained the same phrase in two different languages: "Look over there. A group of elephants is coming."

Clever that they used the same phrase in both languages, because otherwise you'd be forced to conclude not only that elephant can talk but they understand more languages than most people in the UK.

The elephants reacted more defensively to the Maasai language, but when they were played recordings of the same Maasai phrase spoken by women they were less troubled.

So the elephants can discriminate based on ethnicity AND gender. This is why elephants are never put in charge of recruitment, HR would have a field day with them.

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A Fat Chance Of Dating

A survey has found just how shallow we Brits are. Most of us would rather date someone they have nothing in common with as long as they're thin. And let's be honest, if they're thin, they already don't have that in common with me.

Some 75% would never date an obese person. But with rising obesity levels in the UK the future will be a world where 75% of us are all trying to date the same small pool of skinny people. We'll all be trying to take them out for dinner, which is only going to make the situation worse.

So, 75% wouldn't date an obese person, but the same survey says more than two thirds of people consider themselves overweight. That means on average 50% wouldn't want to have sex with themselves. And seeing as the few skinny people are likely to be taken, it's what we'll probably have to do.

This survey kind of makes it look like the future of mankind is bleak, and that we'll all die out like pandas (they don't want to bang anything that's too cuddly either). But it's OK. The survey only says that 75% don't want to date someone who's obese. As anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship will tell you, they don't start out like that. But soon enough, soon enough...

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[Radio Podcast] Bets & Bond Recruitment

This week on the show we looked at the story of a man who lost his name in a bet, the way MI5 is looking for spies, Larry tells us about Brian Ferry's new divorce and this podcast also includes a topic we didn't do in the show, "things you have had stuck in your body". We didn't put that one in the actual show. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 9th March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Fortune Cookie Wins Lottery

When good news stories go bad: A 75-year-old woman from New York won $2 million in the lottery after playing the numbers found in her fortune cookie.

That's good news for Emma Duvoll, she could now buy 1.2 million things from Poundland at current rates. However, I can't help thinking this is bad news for the rest of us. Now, whenever you get sat next to some crystal-loving "spiritual" sort at a dinner party they'll think this proves them right.


Those conversations always go the same way.

"Well, I think there's something out there."

Yeah, and I wish it was you, but you're not, you're right here.

"And I just think there are some things that science doesn't know."

Yep, true. That doesn't mean any old crap you come up with should be considered right though. Just because the Higgs Boson is a new thing doesn't mean your "feeling" about things should be believed.

"I mean, how did that fortune cookie know what numbers to give her?"

I didn't. It was just random numbers that just happened to come up in the lottery.

"Oh come on. You expect me to believe that the fortune cookie just happened to pick the numbers that would come up in the lottery? I mean, what are the chances of that?"

The same f***ing chances of any numbers winning the lottery. And that happens most weeks.


And that's what this story will do, give ammo to people who think one anecdotal story trumps statistical evidence. I always think it's a shame that we have to listen to science deniers prattling on at dinner parties but the science community can't ban then from using our shit. "What's that, you're having a heart attack? It says on your medical records that you think crystals have special heeling properties, so here's some quartz. Good luck!"

I say the news story is bad for us and good for the 75-year-old, but actually, it might be bad for her too. Later in the article it says:

"She plans to invest her winnings and may splurge on a trip to Switzerland to see relatives."

A pensioner, who has come into money, goes to Switzerland. Hmm, this is actually only good news for anyone in her will.

>Read the source story

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Justin Bieber's Tattoo Mug Shots

Poor old Justin Bieber (he says, even though he knows Justin is neither of those two things). He is still suffering the fall out of his recent brush with the law. A while back he was caught racing a sports car, which seems odd. When he's meant to stick to the speed limit he's zooming around and yet when he's two hours late to a concert at the O2 you can't rush the guy.

There was a video of Justin trying to pass a sobriety test by walking a straight line. I don't know if he couldn't walk straight because of the drink and drugs or maybe just the way he wears his jeans, it's hard to tell. I don't understand the lowness of the jeans, it must make it hard to run. And you have to remember, I was young in the 70s, and back then we had to be able to run. You know what our TV star used to be like.

But now more police photos have come out. The Miami Police Department has released the photos they took of Bieb's tattoos. Police photograph the tattoos of people they arrest for identification purposes. Do you really need to in this case?

COP 1: Any distinguishing marks on this guy we're looking for?
COP 2: Well, he has an intricate sleeve tattoo on one arm, a musical note tattoo behind one eat and writing on his shoulder.
COP 1: OK. Anything else that could help us identify him?
COP 2: Oh yeah, he's Justin Bieber.

Surely it'd be easier to just look at Bieber's face and see that it's Bieber than try to work out who he is from his tattoos. His tatts will be hard to see as they're under his clothes. Well, unless he has a tramp stamp. You'd see that because his pants are down round his knees.

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[Radio Podcast] Worst Gift & Wedding Proposals

This week on the show we talked about the worst gifts you have received after a couple got 27 toasters. And a company has started selling wedding proposals, so we tried to join in to make money. And of course we hear from Larry. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 2nd March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Ukraine Stand-Off

This year sees the 100th anniversary of the start of the First World War. The TV schedules are filled with dramas about how a dispute in a small part of Europe could soon escalate into a massive conflict. We watch those shows and think how silly we were 100 years ago. And then we change the channel to BBC News and see what's happening in Ukraine. And then we worry.

There are so many issues. If war breaks out, what would it mean for our gas supply? Would there be the threat of nuclear weapons? If a war breaks out in Crimea what would we call it now the good title has already been used?

Just one bullet could start a war which is why the front of the Evening Standard was so worrying. "Shots Fired In Stand-Off" it read. Workers at the Belbek air base turned up demanding to be let in to where they work. The heavily armed Russian soldiers refused entry and threatened to shoot.

Could you imagine facing off against armed soldiers to go to work? Because in the UK, if we get three flakes of snow people say, "Right, I'm staying at home. It could be slippery out there. Health and safety! I'm staying here and watching Jeremy Kyle."

Hundreds of Ukrainians marched up to the air base singing the national anthem and demanding to be let in. The Russian troops said: "You are deliberately provoking us."

The Ukrainians responded: "How are we provoking you? We have no weapons." To be fair, we don't know how bad the singing was. If it was anything like the early stages on X Factor they were lucky they weren't shot.

The Russians did fire warning shots into the air though. Hmm, warning shots into the air. It seems, if you're going to fire warning shots, aiming them into the air is a good idea. And idea someone else on the Evening Standards front page should have thought of.

>Read the source story

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Comedy Podcast 56 - Rude Streets & Beard Transplants

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 56.

In this podcast:

Housing Bubble (starts 02:06)
Rude Streets (starts 03:27)
Japanese Housing Scandal (starts 05:18)
Beard Transplants (starts 05:51)

News that houses on streets with rude sounding names are worth less than other houses could fix the UK economy, there's a scandal in Japan and if you don't like your beard you can swap it these days.




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Rude Street Names Cost You

We have been hearing recently how having a home that is on a flood plain can bring down the price of your house. Although some estate agents would just call it a "natural indoor swimming pool" and add money to the price. But there is another thing that can bring down the value of your property - the street name.

New research says streets with rude-sounding names cost less. That's bad news for people living in places like Crotch Crescent, Turkey Cock Lane and Bell End. And people in Shit Creek are up Shit Creek.

The study for website NeedaProperty.com looked for evidence of what impact living in a street with a suggestive name could have on the value of your home. Apparently having a Cock on your street can be a problem, which is something my neighbours say all the time.

Properties on streets with rude names were found to be around one fifth or £84,000 cheaper on average than other homes situated nearby. Who would've thought that a Minge could cost you so much, other than Bill Clinton?

Researchers asked people to vote for the street name that they would be most embarrassed to have as their address and top of the list is Minge Lane in Upton-upon-Severn, Worcestershire. Aw, I think Minge Lane sounds nice. It's a Minge duel-carriageway that sounds less attractive.

Next was Slag Lane in Lowton, Lancashire, where it costs £112,620 for a semi. Those are some expensive slags.

Number 3 on the list is Fanny Hands Lane, Ludford, Lincolnshire. I understand why no one wants to live there. Fanny Lane would be OK but Fanny Hands Lane seems so much worse. It makes you think of someone who needs to wash their hands more and has very hairy knuckles.



I talked about this on the radio. To hear the sketch have a listen below.

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Google Glass Users Warned 'Don't Be Creepy'

The 10,000 people testing Google's latest gadget Google Glass have been told not to be "weird or rude" when using it. So, it's a pair of glasses you wear that lets you film whatever you're looking at and they DON'T want you to be weird? Well, what's the point in buying them then? If you build something that lets you film whatever you're looking at, and you sell it to nerds, you have to expect a fair amount of creepy behaviour.

That's like selling those x-ray specs in the back of comics and assuming no teenage boy who buys them will try to look at boobies with them.

The best you can hope for is a shift towards more subtle creepiness. You may have seen a couple walking down the road and the man will see an attractive woman walking by and turn his head round like an owl to get a good look. Well, now thanks to Google Glass the man can remain in conversation with his partner while he simply takes his frames off and points them towards the target ass.

Google's etiquette guide also says: "If you find yourself staring off into the prism for long periods of time, you're probably looking pretty weird to the people around you."

But you have headware that can access the internet, you're going to look weird. The first person to spend every train journey looking at a little rectangle and swipe at it with a dismissive thumb probably looked like a freak, but now we're all doing it. The future will have humans looking off into the distance through their fancy "phone glasses". Why would you call the glasses a phone when that's the least of what they do? Why not, that's what our phones are like now.

Basically, don't worry about how you look, society will probably follow you one day. Proudly look like a prat and people will see you and envy the fact that you have far more advanced technology than they do. That's why I sit on trains looking off into the distance while the others swipe away at their non-phoning phones. And if they look at me like I am a weirdo I just point to my face and say, "Google Contact Lenses". And then they go back to swiping their phones but they look so jealous.

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Karma & Polite Rap

This week the show was about instant karma, the times when you don't have to wait for the universe to pay you what you have just deserved. We also got to talking about how polite rap will make everyone think young people are nicer. We were hearing about Simon Cowell's baby arrangements and we got the latest from Larry. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 23rd February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Women Turned Down By Man Flies Into Rage

In "things Steve has found while Googling for sex" news: A 24-year-old woman was arrested after attacking her boyfriend when he refused to have sex with her.

Oh, good plan. Because if he didn't want to have sex with you before, demonstrating a really shitty personality will help to get you some action.

In said in the news: "Police bailed the woman who was allegedly so incensed that her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her that she flew into a drunken and naked bloody tantrum."

I'll go a step further, if he sees you all bloody and in a state and he suddenly wants you sexually, you should dump his ass.

Listen, no one likes being turned down sexually but it is something that you have to get used to. I guess it's not that easy for her as she didn't go through years of being a bloke in the 90s. That's when I did most of my training. By the end of that decade I could be turned down by a woman in record time of meeting her and not be surprised by it at all. I was an expert.

The woman apparently has blood on her hands after she punched a wall and a glass picture. Police turned up and arrested her. So she didn't get sex but she did get covering in bodily fluids and ended up in handcuffs. I'd say that's close enough.

>Read the source story

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