Comedy Podcast 58 - Bee Stings, Clinton Shoe Throw & Tea Wee

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 58.

In this podcast:

Bee Stings (starts 01:36)
Hillary Clinton Shoe Throw (starts 04:40)
George W Bush Art (starts 06:20)
Pope News (starts 07:13)
Man Wees In Tea (starts 08:58)

This covers the man who got a bee to sting him in painful places on his body, the news that someone threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton, George W Bush has taken to painting and has released artworks, the latest Pope news and the story that a teacher has been urinating in his co-workers' tea.




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[Radio Podcast] Neat Freaks & Saharan Sand

In this show we look at the little things around the house that if they are not done the way you like it it rather bugs you. We also talk about the recent smog upside, the retirement of Brucie and David Letterman and a look at the newspapers.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 6th April 2014.)



Download the mp3 or ogg.

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Saharan Smog Hits UK

Just when we have recovered from floods in the UK, that's when we're attacked by our own water supply, the air in the south of England is trying to kill us.

Thankfully it doesn't bother me, I try not to breathe too much anyway. But thanks to pollution from Europe and sand from the Sahara our air is dangerous. Typical. Dust particles from abroad, coming over here, doing the jobs of our particles, etc, etc.

Some news sites covered the story by asking, "Did you find red dirt on your car this morning?" They haven't seen my car or they wouldn't bother asking. Yes, there's dirt on it every morning and of all different colours. My car looks like it was decorated at the Alum Bay gift shop on the Isle of Wight. (There's a niche reference.)

The advice has been to stay indoors and avoid doing any strenuous exercise. Or as I call it, "Carry on as normal." But some people who have gone out into it tried to stay healthy by wearing those strange looking face masks to filter out the dust. If you have been wearing those and not doing the Bane from Batman voice you have wasted your time.

I've decided not to hide from it, so today I was out in the European pollution and the Saharan dust, mainly because that's the closest thing to a holiday I have had in years. It wasn't too bad. When I first left the house I thought, "Wow! The air is bad bad you can actually see it." And then I cleaned my glasses.

So don't shy from it, get out there and collect as much sand from your car as you can. Bag it up. We'll need it the next time we have floods.

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[Radio Podcast] Paltrow v Martin & Celebrity Rhyming Slang

Today's show looked at the break-up between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin and how that makes us remember our exes. We handled the clocks changing and we came up with new Celebrity Rhyming Slang.

There's also material that wasn't in the broadcast show where we heard of a man who made love to a Gregg's pasty. See the tweet that started that here.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 30th March 2014.)



Download the mp3 or ogg.

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Equal Wedding Day

Today's the day when the first equal marriages have taken place in the UK. It's a step forward for our society, a good day, and totally worth all that flooding we had.

Even Prime Minister David Cameron is on board, saying "The introduction of same-sex civil marriage says something about the sort of country we are. It clearly says 'you are equal' whether straight or gay." Yes! Unless you're a woman, when you probably don't earn what men doing your job do, but hey, one thing at a time.

Equal marriage laws have been passed in some states of America too and it shows that society has reached a point of enlightenment. Well, some of it has. You still get the odd person who makes the point, "Hey, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." And as a person called Steve I am sick of being discriminated against. Steve's are people too, and we also like apples.

Among the first couples set to take advantage of the legalisation were actor Andrew Wale, who said: "It's kind of extraordinary. We did not really expect it to happen so suddenly, so soon." I know. Thousands of years of not being able to marry just flies by when you have all the organising to do.

But as people enjoyed the day the BBC came out with a survey that said, "20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding". I have to be honest, I belong to that 20%. I also would refuse to attend a straight wedding. That headline doesn't mean there's ground swell of protest against equal marriage it just means other people's weddings are terrible. You have to buy a gift for two people who have been living together for years and already have everything they want. You end up buying them something fancy like a coffee maker. I don't have a coffee maker!

You spend the day trying to relax in a suit. A suit! How can you enjoy yourself when you're dressed exactly as you did during your last court appearance?

You only know the main couple but spend most of your time stuck with other family members they felt obliged to invite. By the end of their big day you have spent more time with the bride's great aunt than she has since she was 12.

So yes, I am saying I hate weddings, but on today, Saturday 29th March 2014, I am saying I hate all weddings "equally". Now that's progress.

>Read the source story

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Comedy Podcast 57 - Crimea, P Diddy and North Korean Hair

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 57.

In this podcast:

UK Traffic (starts 01:01)
Crimea Update (starts 02:12)
Puff Daddy (starts 06:04)
Smart Goats (starts 07:23)
North Korean Hair (starts 08:45)

New stats came out saying that London's traffic is getting worse. We get the latest on Crimea. Puff Daddy stops being called P Diddy. Everyone in North Korea gets the same hair do.




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[Radio Podcast] The Self-Google & #ClaimToFame

On this show we looked at the story of a man who Googled himself only to find out he was a criminal. So we Googled listeners to make sure they were safe. And we were asking for people's claims to fame after I got a tweet printed in the Daily Star on Sunday.

And with Larry's Ents news it all made something that resembled a radio show. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen, and there's some additional material at the end that wasn't in the live show. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 23rd March 2014.)



Download the mp3, or ogg.

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.

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Guest Spot on The Land of Rhod

A few days ago I was a guest on an Internet radio station, on a show called The Land of Rhod, hosted by Rhodders.

In the show we covered a mother who was photographed breastfeeding in public and suffered the fall out, the cost of pagers in our government and we also covered the news of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

To listen to the show check out the Land of Rhod website.

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Swimming In Beer

I saw a headline in the newspaper that read: "Punters offered the chance to SWIM in beer."

And I thought, "Wow. They've invented shrinking technology to make a human just a few inches tall. That's amazing!"

I was wrong and after what I'd imagined whatever was in the actual story would feel like a let down.

The Schloss Starkenberger brewery in Austria has turned its underground vaults into baths of beer. As you enter all you can see are these large polls of beer. It's like most town centres on a Friday night.

The seven 13-foot long pools are open for visitors to immerse themselves in warm beer while trying not to see the whole thing as a metaphor for what's going wrong in their lives. Swimming in beer is said to have amazing health benefits, which makes you wonder just how healthy the inside of Keith Richards must be.

Apparently swimming in warm beer can improve your circulation and the yeast in the beer pool is good for your skin. That seems odd as I've known a few people go to some lengths to get rid of yeast from their skin, but I'm not a doctor.

The experience comes with a warning that you can't drink from the pools. I assume that is for health and safety reasons. Or they are worried Gazza will go for a swim and empty the pool. Of course you can't drink it, it's like a swimming pool. I hope there's a small footbath of beer on the way in to get verucas drunk.

The best thing about the existence of this attraction is that you have the perfect excuse for why you get home and you smell of alcohol. "No darling, I wasn't drinking. I was just trying to work on my complexion."

>Read the source story

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Spoon Crime

Tesco is in the news for refusing to sell teaspoons to a teenager because he is too young. 16-year-old Liam Whelan was told he needed to be 18 to buy them.

A lot of people have said it was a ridiculous overreaction but I'm here to say it's not.

Spoon crime is a serious issue in the UK and it's getting worse. Some people walk the streets tooled up with a spoon. And that means that others don't feel safe unless they have a spoon on them too.

Now, you can tell these people that if you carry a spoon you're statistically more likely to be injured by that spoon, but they don't care. It's in their culture now. It's a spoon culture.

That's why I think we need more restrictions on buying spoons, not fewer. I know some people say, "Spoons don't kill people, people do." That's only half right.

You also hear, "The one thing that stops a bad man with a spoon is a good man with a spoon." But that just escalates the problem. Soon everyone will have tea spoon in their purse or a table spoon in their home. The next thing you know people are carrying ladles.

People say to me, "Steve, do you really believe on a ban on spoons?"

And I say, "Does it look like I'm just trying to stir things?"

>Read the source story

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[Radio Podcast] Strange Sights & Prince Charles

This week we were all about the kind of odd things you see when you're out and about, and Prince Chalres said he couldn't understand Scottish people. Larry has his entertainment news on a celebrity wedding. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 16th March 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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Why Babies Laugh

Scientists have been trying to find out why babies laugh. Odd that this issue is higher up their To Do list than "cure cancer" and "sort out world hunger" but whatever.

Dr Caspar Addyman, a researcher at Birkbeck University's Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development is conducting one of the largest ever studies into what makes babies laugh and more importantly why?

To be fair, if every time I had a meal someone had to get their boobies out I'd be laughing like a drain most of the time too. And if you can just shit and then lie back while someone else deals with it, you'd raise a chuckle.

In general, the life of a baby is so sweet of course it laughs. They don't have to work, worry about food, worry about bills, if they need a wee they just wee, and if they wake up the very people they depend on in the middle of the night and chuck up sick all over them those people still love them. And if anyone tries to put that baby in the corner Patrick Swayze turns up to have a word.

Dr Caspar said: "Understand babies also helps us understand adults." Hmm, deep. Yes it does, but another way to understand adults is to ask them, so they can answer in words, instead of spending thousands setting up lab tests, but you're the doctor, Dr.

Dr Addyman said: "The big surprise has been that, contrary to general perception, laughter is present from a very early age."

I'll tell you what's surprising about that, it's not that babies laugh, it's that when I laugh at something I find funny someone will say, "Oh grow up, Steve!" But no one says it too the 5-week-old when they laugh, and that's all the 5-week-old has to do.

>Read the source story

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SomeNews Live In Brighton (In The Afternoon) [Ended]

The show has past now, shame you missed it. Find out when the next live show is in the Live Gig section.

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Mr Steve N Allen brings The SomeNews Live Show to Brighton as part of the Brighton Fringe.  The topical comedy show that's packed with stand-up, jokes, sketches and often loads more.  It's your chance to see Steve's take on the news in the show that's toured the comedy festivals in the UK.

Throughout May the one-man show is on in the afternoon at the Hobgoblin (details below) and you can book your tickets now.


Venue: The Hobgoblin, 31 York Place Brighton BN1 4GU
Price: £4
Show Time: 4:15pm
Dates:
  Sat: 3rd, 10th, 17th & 24th 
  Sun: 4th, 11th, 18th & 25th

On the 10th, 17th and 24th the show will be hosted be a special guest comedian in place of Steve.

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The SomeNews show has been toured round many comedy festivals including Edinburgh, Leicester, Nottingham and Manchester. Here's what the reviewers had to say:

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review

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