The Funeral Strippers' End

Five people have been detained in China for running striptease send-offs at funerals.

Although it means you can say, "Oh, it's what he would've wanted" and really mean it.

Apparently having a stripper at a funeral used to be more common. Maybe I mean "more popular". It's always going come across as common. It was used as a way to boost the number of mourners, as large crowds are seen as a mark of honour.

As a mourner, why would you want to be known as someone who only turns up to pay your respects if you think there's a chance of seeing some boob? And would it really be that sexy? If it's an open casket, that'll kill the mood.

Local officials have now ordered a halt to "obscene performances" and say funeral plans have to be submitted in advance. Well hang on, if someone can submit funeral plans in advance they are probably a cold-blooded murderer.

But I agree with the stricter policy. I don't think a funeral is the place to have a stripper. I wouldn't be seen dead at such an event. And for once that phrase means something, as that's one of the available spaces.

>Read the source story

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The Purple Way To Pull

Men are most likely to pull a woman if they are wearing a purple, according to a new study.

New study? Was it done this summer? The women probably think purple means you're an Olympics volunteer.

They asked 2,000 women what colour shirt would make them consider dating a man. That's a survey? It sounds more like desperate conversation when the chemistry just isn't there. It should be followed by chitchat about A roads.

36% of women would go for a purple shirt wearer, but only 6% would go for a man in a pink shirt. Information like this is useless at best. But at worst, someone actually tries to use it. It means most guys will be turning up to singles nights wearing purple. It'll be like the singles events are sponsored by Cadbury's. And I assume the women who go there already know about chocolate.

A third of women said they had demanded their partner change what they wore due to "embarrassment". Remember, this is a recent survey, so the effect of snoods might have skewed the stats.

And finally, 10% of women said they had destroyed clothes because they hated them. Now this is good information. If those men at the singles events can make the women hate their tops and bras...

>Read the source story

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Are Your Hands This Dirty?

Well this is horrible news. One in four people's hands are contaminated with poo. I think that means the hands of one person out of every four people, and not one hand from two people's worth of hands. Or that would mean some people are only washing one hand after going to the loo and that seems like more hassle than it's worth.

This is why I'm starting my campaign to change shaking hands to the left hands. Most people are righties and most people wipe with their dominant hand. Why would you use your less dominant hands, you need accuracy down there?

The same study says one in nine people have as much faecal organisms on their hands as you would find on a dirty toilet set. And the received wisdom is that this is caused by people not washing their hands, but even if you don't wash, why do you have that much poo on your hands? Didn't you learn to wipe? If your fingers go through you didn't use enough.

Also worrying is the statistic that one in ten banks cards have faecal bacteria on them. I can understand how your hand gets near your bum, but bank cards? That's not where you're meant to swipe them.

This survey was released to promote Global Handwashing Day. I'm all for it. I did a chemistry degree and dealing with harsh chemicals that react to moisture teaches you to wash your hands BEFORE and after you've been to the loo.

>Read the source story

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Chakravyuh Red Carpet Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

I was lucky enough to go to the red carpet premiere of the new film Chakravyuh, on as part of the London film festival.

Described as a Bollywood political thriller, it's directed by Prakash Jha and stars Arjun Rampal, Abhay Deol, Esha Gupta, Manoj Bajpai, Kabir Bedi and Anjali Patil. It is a social commentary on the issues of Naxalites. Out on the 24th of October, 2012.


You can hear the red carpet interviews in full below.



Or downloads the mp3 here

Prakash Jha (00:09)
Arjun Rampal (02:05)
Abhay Deol (03:15)

See also: The Pusher Premiere Interviews


You can hear about this film and the premiere on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London this Saturday (13th Oct) after 8pm. Listen on FM 94.9, or online.

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The Price Of Gas Goes Up... Again

The Evening Standard tells us "British Gas Set To Hike Power Prices". If you see Sid, tell him he's a dick.

Everyone is upset that British gas is increasing the cost of gas and electricity by around 8% when only recently did it announce £1.5 billion profit in 6 months.

I say everyone. I'm not. It shouldn't come as a surprise. British Gas is a private company and if a company can do something to maximise its profits for its shareholders, it should.

Let me explain it this way.

INTERIOR. BOARD ROOM. MEN IN SUITS SIT ROUND A LARGE TABLE
MAN1: So, we made £1.5 billion in the last six months. What should we do next?
MAN2: Oh, I don't know, maybe not worry about earning anything else for a while. Just chill.

Said no one, in no board room, never.

You can't blame the company. All you can do is blame whoever thought it was a good idea to turn British Gas into a private company. Why would you let someone be in charge of making profit from something we all need, heat?

The excuse that's normally made for privatisation is that it improves efficiency. And it does. It makes a provider of a basic need more efficient at charging us the highest amount for something the market will allow.

Some say increased competition after privatisation will keep the costs down. Tell that to the gas companies, the electricity companies, the water companies, the train companies... you get the picture.

In other newspapers there has been talk about investing in fracking in the UK so the cost of gas can be driven down. That would be a great idea, if the price that we pay ever went down when the raw gas price drops. All that will happen is British Gas, and other such companies, will force the price of gas up, which will make us willing to accept fracking rocking parts of the north to bits, and when the cost of gas goes down we'll still be paying the same for it on our bills, but the gas companies will taken even bigger profits.

Basically, we're screwed, but I never like leaving an article on a down beat, so to make us feel better I'll mention the woman in France who was sent a phone bill for €11,721,000,000,000,000.

A phone bill that's nearly 6,000 times the country's annual economic output. Wow. I know women can talk, but...

Clearly that's just a joke and it was a mistake on the part of the billing department. But it's the closest thing to something that could make us feel better about being charged even more for basic heating just as we head into winter.

>Read the source story

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Get Better Sleep [Sleep Expert Interview]

A new study says that we're not getting enough sleep. I am. I fall to sleep all the time. But that's because I read new studies about things like this.

It's worrying, because we need sleep. Without it we get grumpy and moan all the time and we bored people and we show them endless photos. You know, like when you meet up with an old friend who has just had a baby.

The same research also looked specifically at what people kept on their bedside tables - 40% of us go to bed with a glass of water, a third go to bed with their phone next to their head and 16% keep lubricant to hand.

Wow. What were they planning on doing with that phone!?

We also learn from the research that the older we get the more likely we are to sleep naked. It didn't say if that was a choice or just forgetfulness.

Anyway, we'd all like to get better sleep, so I thought I'd speak to an exert on this. I was lucky enough to get to interview sleep expert Sammy Margo. If you want to hear it, use the player below...



Download the mp3

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QVC Presenter Faints Live On TV

Shop till you drop. I thought I knew what that phrase meant but here's a new take on it.

A QVC presenter in America fainted live on air. While trying to sell an Android tablet for children, QVC brought in a mother and technology expert to help explain why it would be such a good purchase. What could possibly go wrong? Here's the video.


Here it is on YouTube
Not that I have watched this over and over again, but I have analysed the action down to the second. I invite you to watch it again with my helpful guide below.

Firstly, it doesn't start to get good till about 1:07 in. The first part was so dull I nearly passed out too.

1:08 The male presenter, Dan Wheeler, points out that Cassie Slane is a busy mommy of three. That's it, get the excuse in early.

1:15 Her "hmm mmm" says so much.

1:25 First slur of a word.

1:28 She puts the electronic device down. How's that for safety first?

1:29 Second slur. He's thinking she's one of those "drinking mommies of three".

1:31 Ah, lean on the desk, that'll save ya.

1:33 Slapping the right boob is the international sign language for "help" you know.

Here's my favourite bit...

1:36 Dan caringly says, "Are you OK?"

1:37 He moves out of her way as she falls. Oh, what a gent. His words are nice but if he thinks you're going to get make up on his new suit, you're on your own luv.

1:40 He just goes right on selling. She's just headbutted an Android tablet display but he's got commission to earn.

1:45 The sound of Dan moving Cassie off his table?

2:22 Dan says: "We'll get Cassie's mic working again." Like that was the problem. I've had mics fail on me before and it's never made me slap my moob and do a face plant.

2:32 Sound of Cassie being dragged out of the shot?

2:39 He's back.

3:11 Who let the drunk back in?

3:20 Cassie: "This is a kid browser." Not like that, Savile!

3:37 First signs she's not done yet.

3:44 Cassie says your kids are "safe" with this tablet computer. Really? Because there's a chance it just overloaded your neural network.

3:56 I'm not sure what she says but I think it's heading towards, "I love you, you know, *hic* cos you're my besh pal."

3:59 Dan swaps hands so he can be ready for the next dive.

4:10 You made a good point there Cassie. I'm sold. Where do I buy one?

>Read the source story

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The Right To Stab A Burglar

The Tory Party conference is on and Chris Grayling has been getting a lot of the headlines. He's talking tough, saying "Two strikes and it's jail for life", which would really ruin the sport of ten pin bowling.

There has also been a lot of talk about a home-owners right to defend their home. And I assume that includes people who rent too, or they'll have to call up their landlord to get him to come round to stab their burglar.

The standard stand-up position on this is to say it's bad, but I don't like to have the same opinion as everyone else. Besides the number of cases that this would apply to is so small (7 in the period 1990 and 2005), so if you want make up some laws you can go for it. I don't mind the right to physically attack burglars, it just makes me think, "How can I get Jedward to burgle me?"

People say, "What if that man was stealing to feed his family?" Well, that's the point of the welfare state. We pay tax so people don't have to steal from us to get food. It would be nice if Jimmy Carr chipped in more, but that doesn't mean I should just let people have a go in my fridge.

Chris Grayling said he is changing the law on self-defence at home, so that it's only a crime if the home-owner uses "grossly disproportionate" levels of force. That means that "disproportionate" levels are perfectly legal.

Wouldn't it be better to say "proportionate" things are legal? Even if it means we class some more Chuck Norris-style bits of self-defence as "proportionate", I think it's best we don't let "disproportionate" become an acceptable phrase.

Police: Have you been drinking, sir?
Man: Yesh, ocifer, but only disproportionate amount.

So, what is a "grossly disproportionate" thing to do to a burglar? Well, according to David Cameron it's OK to knock out a burglar, it's OK to stab a burglar, but it would be "grossly disproportionate" to stab a burglar who is already knocked out. Well, yeah. Who'd want to do that? Not even Liam Neeson in the film Taken goes round being that much of a nasty piece of work.

You don't need to stab a burglar after you have knocked them unconscious, unless you're also cooking them and you want to see if they're done.

Mr Cameron also revealed that he had himself been the victim of several break-ins, including an incident in which the intruder also stole his car keys and used his Skoda to take away the spoils.

I have to say, if you rob the millionaire David Cameron and get away with a Skoda car, maybe burglary isn't for you.

>Read the source story

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Pusher Film Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

I was at the premiere of the new film Pusher. (If you want to read my review of Pusher look here.) It's the story of a drug dealer in London who thinks his life is going OK, till a few things go wrong, and that starts a chain of events that get very very bad for him.

The cast and crew were there, as you can see from the pictures...


And I got to have a chat with some of them. Have a listen in a player below...



Or downloads the mp3 here

There's a lot in this one, so here's a list of who I spoke to and what time that bit of audio starts.

Nicolas Winding Refn 00:09
Luis Prieto 01:12
Zlatko Buric 05:22
Richard Coyle 06:56
Bronson Webb 10:24
Mem Ferda 11:59
Agyness Deyn 14:35

Paul Kaye is in the film too, but if you don't turn up to a London premiere when you live just round the corner you don't get a mention on my little website. He'll cope, I'm sure.

---

Pusher is released in the UK on October 12th 2012.

Hear details of the red carpet premiere when I appear on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London 94.9 Saturday (13th) after 8pm, and read my full review here.

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The Bristol Pound

Just when you thought nothing could make the Euro look like a good currency... The Bristol Pound has been launched.

Organisers hope currency will encourage shoppers to buy locally, and it could really work because you can only spend it locally, to the rest of the country it's just funny looking paper.

It's not all shops that have joined in with the scheme, so if someone gives you a Bristol Pound you can only use it in a few places. It's basically like getting a gift voucher for your birthday.

"Happy birthday. I didn't know what to get you, so I've just ruled out where I don't want you shopping. "

The £B1 note isn't the first scheme of its kind, a scheme where something else is used instead of proper legal pounds. It joins the Totnes pound , the Lewes pound and cigarettes in prison.

The Scottish pound is actually legal tender and no one wants that, so the concept of a Brizzle pound is a stretch.

Some people have got behind the idea though. Like Lynn Andres, from Guy Fawkes Hair & Beauty, who said the Bristol Pound is not a gimmick and will bring new custom to her premises, saying the city needed to fight back after a mall heavily populated with chain stores opened recently.

Wow. When a woman who names her business after Guy Fawkes says she wants to fight you, it's time to worry.

>Read the source story

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Film Review: Pusher

The remake of the 1996 film Pusher is about to hit our big screens. To make things simple it's called Pusher, and even has some of the original cast. But this version is set in London, a location that lends itself well to the story. I'm not sure the London tourist board will be showing this drug culture film to bring people in though. Well, it would bring some people in, with lots of stuff crammed up their cavities.

The original Pusher was violent and gritty, and this one has those elements, but I'd say the better description is "stylish". There's a fight scene in a club that turns into dancing halfway through. It's West Side Story filtered into constituent parts.

The film certainly doesn't have the feel of a musical though. It's more like Human Traffic. Richard Coyle plays the titular drug pusher, called Frank (...talk to Frank). His performance is stunning in this. It's like a marathon. He's in every scene, putting the effort in as his character drops to some pretty dark depths. I bet he needed a lie down after this film.

Frank's life starts out looking good. He's making some money pushing, he has a best mate Tony (Bronson Webb – doing a bit of a Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill), and he's dating Flo (Agyness Deyn). And if you're dating someone who looks very much like a famous model, you don't have that much to complain about.

But then things start to go wrong. He gets in trouble with Milo (played by Zlatko Buric again, who is so good I think he should get his own spin-off sit-com). Frank just keeps making mistake after mistake. He owes Milo a lot of money and he has two days to repay it. It's a shame it was written in 1996, before Wonga.com existed.

Seeing a film set and filmed in London in a cinema in London probably added to my enjoyment. There's nothing like seeing your bus home used in a scene to make it seem so real.

It's pacy, it's stylish, and it's delightfully British. If you have never seen the original, watch this film, it means you don't need subtitles. Some people have said this film is like a modern day Trainspotting. And if you have never seen Trainspotting, watch this film, it means you don't need subtitles.


Pusher is released in the UK on October 12th 2012.

Hear details of the red carpet premiere when I appear on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London 94.9 Saturday (13th) after 8pm.

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The UK Has A New Squirrel

In squirrel news: A new type of squirrel has been found in the UK, the brunette squirrel.

The brunette squirrel is actually the fourth type of squirrel we have in Britain. That means squirrels could do their own version of Sex And The City. There's a brunette one, a red haired one, a third one and a big American one who's grey and is always after some nuts.

The new type can be identified by its size, it's colouring and the fact it has a lot less fun than any blonde squirrels.

There isn't a blonde one of course. There's a native red one, the American grey one, and the third one is the black squirrel that should really make the grey one feel guilty for what they did.

And we can now add to that a brunette one. The brunettes are a subtype of Britain's native red squirrel, Sciurus vulgaris, which is now confined to small areas with only an estimated 120,000 remaining. It's because the grey one came over here from American and that killed the British ones off. Or as the grey squirrels called it, "friendly fire".

>Read the source story

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David Blain's Shocking New Trick

David Blaine is doing another stunt, which is what he is famous for. When I hear mention of his name I think, "stunt". Well, something like that.

He is currently (that's a pun that most won't notice) stood on a platform in New York in a high-voltage Tesla coil with electricity running through his body. But it's really low current. There's no risk to it. It's the same thing that happens when I wear my cheap shoes on my nylon carpet. It's a shame that he didn't let his hair grow long before doing this. He could've had a wicked electro-afro.

But what's the point of that? You're meant to do a trick that is so impressive it makes the people who are watching have their hair stand on end, not yours.

He'll be stood on this platform for 73 hours without food. So it's the same trick that he always does. He just stands around doing nothing for a few days. He's like a supply teacher.

In the past he has famously sat in a glass box in London for weeks. If I wanted to see someone do nothing behind glass I'd try to get served in the Post Office.

During his time on there he will have to urinate through a catheter. That's why no one has done these feats before, no one wants the world to know they're weeing in a catheter.

One onlooker said, "I don't know if he's really feeling something or if it's like those volts that you can touch and nothing happenings." Yeah, as long as he doesn't earth himself he'll probably be fine.

And that explains why he needs a catheter. If he took a normal wee while on that platform the fluid would hit the ground and earth him. That would be painful. His tadger would end up looking like an exploded trick cigar in the Tom and Jerry cartoons.

>Read the source story

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