John Lewis Christmas Advert - More Horror

Ah, the John Lewis Christmas advert. It seems like only last year when they brought one out.

We covered last year's one on this site because it featured a child who is impatient for Christmas to arrive because he has plans he can't wait to put into action. There's an edited version of the advert, with different music, that really shows you what this child is... evil. He makes Stewie in Family Guy seem positively cuddly. (See the 2011 John Lewis ad here)

But now we find ourself in 2012, October is over, and that means it's time for Christmas (I know, that means a 1/6th of the year is therefore Christmas but there's money to be made). John Lewis have brought another advert, and here it is...


Sweet and cute, yeah? Not if you watch it and think of this...


John Lewis, you are terrifying!

And if the Doctor Who motif doesn't freak you out, this might...


£12.50 for a bar of soap!

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Woman Who Enjoyed Starbucks Too Much

A woman was arrested after she was spotted masturbating in a Starbucks.

Now, I like coffee. I go to coffee shops all the time, but you'd never catch me masturbating in Starbucks. Because I know how to hide it well.

Police were summoned "by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating."

They called the police? That's passing up on some great PR. They should've filmed it, put it on YouTube and put a caption on saying, "Our coffee is so good, look what it makes people do."

Or a caption saying, "She likes Starbucks. And she's a bean expert."

When an officer questioned the woman, Jennifer Piranian, she reported that she was waiting to go to a local hospital.

Oh, fair enough. That would make anyone horny.

>Read the source story

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Girl Swallows A Toothbrush

A teenager was taken to hospital after she swallowed her toothbrush. How do you swallow a toothbrush? Was she holding it on the end that doesn't have the handle? Did she think those "hard to reach places" they talk about in the toothbrush adverts were somewhere down her throat? Was she just a div?

It said in the newspaper:

Georgie Smith, of Brighton, felt the toothbrush slip down her throat as she brushed her teeth but couldn't cough it back up as she has no gag reflex.

She doesn't have a gag reflex and she gets in the papers for cleaning her teeth? That just shows a lack of imagination.

Anyway, she swallowed her toothbrush so she went to the hospital, only to be told by doctors that they couldn't find it. She said: "Nobody knows where it is as X-rays don't show plastic."

Don't worry. Give it a few days and it'll come through, and she'll have the cleanest bumhole ever. And then she has a choice. Throw the toothbrush away and get a new one or wash it and use it again. And thinking of the second option has just proved that I am not like her. I do have a gag reflex.

>Read the source story

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The Cameron And Brooks Texts

David Cameron is having a hard time again, this time over his texts with Rebekah Brooks. They've been called "cosy" in the press.

Tut. I wanted more than just cosy. One text from Brooks said she "cried twice" while watching Cameron make a speech. Well, David has made many people cry, so that's not saying much.

A Cameron text to Brooks said, "fast, unpredictable and hard to control but fun". Sadly it wasn't sexual. He was talking about a horse, which means I hope it wasn't sexual.

I remember the good old days of text scandals, like David Beckham and Rebecca Loos (hmm, is there something about that name) when their dirty texts were published in the newspaper. OK, most of it was blacked out in the paper I read but you still got the feeling it was rude. In some ways a redacted text seems hotter.

"I want to put my ████ in your ████," you'll have to fill the rest in yourself.

Oh, sorry, I put the quotes in the wrong place. It should read.

"I want to put my ████ in your ████, you'll have to fill the rest in yourself."

That's a subtle different but an important one for the lady.

The Cameron-Brooks texts are part of the Leveson enquiry but many of the texts and emails have not been made public as they were deemed "not relevant" to the investigation. Forget relevant, we want to see the most embarrassing ones.

Labour MP Chris Bryant has called on the PM to public what he calls the "salacious" messages. Good. I hope that means drunken texts like we've all sent.

I'm hoping Cameron was smashed on Bolly, sat in the back of a car getting driven home at 3am when he gets the urge to text. One of those texts where you're so drunk you have to close one eye and hold the open eye really close to the phone. And you're so drunk you don't proof-read it to make sure auto-correct hasn't messed it up.

"Hey, Rebels. I want to come round and duck your aunt so bad."

So many texts like that get sent every weekend. If they were all means so many extended family members would've drowned by now.

>Read the source story

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Ill People Make Us Ill

Workers with the flu who don't take time off when ill are putting colleagues at risk, new research shows.

Damn right. And even worse than spreading their vile pox, they don't do any work. They just sniff and moan about how unwell they are. They turn up just for the sympathy.

32% of people go into work even if they have the virus.

It should be a crime. Like those news stories you hear of people being jailed for having unprotected sex when they know they're HIV+. (Is that all how we write HIV positive? It used to be but now it makes be think of Google+.)

OK, maybe it's not as bad as HIV, but it should at least warrant a fine. Recklessly giving someone your cold should be considered as bad as punching someone in the face. It's something you do to them that makes part of their head sore for a few days.

We covered this very topic back in episode 2 of the SomeNews podcast. Have a listen below.

listen to ‘Mr Steve N Allen on Flu’ on Audioboo

Get the audio here

>Read the source story

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David Cameron's Toilet Trouble

David Cameron is tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. It's probably because he's been the victim of it.

As we found out recently, David Cameron was burgled and the thief got away with his Skoda. And if you rob a millionaire and get a Skoda, maybe you're a rubbish burglar.

But once again DC was nearly the victim. A man hid in a toilet waiting to jump out at David as a protest. I'm not sure that was the best protest. Why did he want to surprise Cameron in a toilet? No one will be there to see it, and best case scenario he shits himself, but he's in a toilet, the ideal place to do that.

Stuart Rodgers stayed in the toilet for over an hour in order to have the opportunity to heckle the Prime Minister over public sector cuts.

An hour in a toilet. Sounds like heaven. Get me a newspaper and I'd be the happiest man for 60 minutes.

A court heard that the 23-year-old activist burst into the room of the Glasgow hotel where Cameron was addressing hundreds of Conservatives, and shouted: "No ifs, no buts, no public sector cuts."

Whether you agree with his sentiment or not you have to be impressed that he managed to do it. If I'd just been sat on the toilet for an hour I wouldn't be able to do anything till the pins and needles wore off.

The newspaper didn't say how David Cameron felt about this, but I can't imagine he was too flustered. He has the look of a man who has been the victim of many a toilet ambush when he was at school. Well, his face certainly looks like it's been flushed down some toilets.

He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service. The protester, I mean. Not David Cameron. He's not doing that much to help communities.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 38 - Superstorm Sandy, China's New Leaders, Rude Tomb Stone

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 38. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Superstorm Sandy (starts 02:00)
China Gets New Leaders (starts 07:45)
Rube Bits On Tomb Stone (starts 09:42)
Visit To A Medium (starts 13:13)




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Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz

The Sun goes with "Glitter's 10-hour Sex Quiz", which sounds like one of the worst TV shows Channel Five has ever made.

Gary Glitter was arrested this weekend by police investigating the Jimmy Savile scandal. The rumours are that Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile were working together in their own sex ring. We should've guessed. Gary even told us about his "gang".

I'm in my thirties, so all of these stories are ruining my childhood memories. It's nothing in comparison to what the people affected by this went through, but when I look back I feel that my wholesome memories were fake. Next we'll find out that Danger Mouse was a nonce. We were never told the story behind why he had to wear an eye patch. Vigilantes?

Button Moon always seemed a bit dodgy. Mr Spoon was good at getting out of town pretty sharpish.

Bananaman's basic take-home message was, "Eat this and you'll stop being a boy and start being a real man."

I don't remember much about Pigeon Street but it was before the days when you could go to a website to see if any wrong 'uns were living there.

And worst of all, ITV's Knightmare. That was the show where a strange man with a beard put a helmet on a child, so the child couldn't see what was going on, and that child then had to follow any instruction he was given.

And Noggin the Nog? Oh, please.

So, all of my childhood memories are now sullied. Well, some shows are still OK. I remember watching The Krankies, and as long as the old bloke never shagged Wee Jimmy I'll be OK.

>Read the source story

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Criminal Monkey Captured

Good news from Florida. A wild monkey that had attacked a 60-year-old woman has finally been caught after being on the run for 2 years.

It doesn't say much for the local police that a lesser primate managed to keep one step ahead of them for so long. And it says even less for any humans who attacked a 60-year-old and got caught sooner.

The monkey had recently jumped on an old lady and bit her in the neck. I know these monkeys are clever but I'm amazed it knew Halloween was coming up and that neck biting was part of a good costume.

It was caught when it fell for a trap. Some bananas were left as bait and when it went to take them it was shot by a tranquilliser dart. I bet it feels pretty stupid now. Bananas? Such a cliché.

Although, I have a theory that he didn't fall for the bait in the way they'd planned. The 2.5m-long cage, containing bananas as bait, was left near the house of Mrs Fowler, the OAP he went for. I don't think he was attracted by the bananas, he was attracted by the old lady.

He's short, hairy, less evolved and has a thing for old women. Congratulations America, you have a Wayne Rooney too.

>Read the source story

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Victory Over Cold Callers

The Daily Mail says, "Victory Over Cold Callers". This is the story that a cold-call firm has been forced to pay compensation to a businessman after he took it to court for wasting his time.

I like this news, because I hate getting those sales calls. But at the same time I realise it means nothing to me, because my time isn't worth that much. I write knob gags for a living. If I could prove those calls waste my time, pro-rata, I'd get about 27p back.

Richard Herman vowed to hit back after he was targeted by firms promising compensation for mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance (PPI). That's where you get a phone call saying, "You could be entitled to compensation after you were mis-sold PPI."

And after this court ruling we'll probably get calls saying, "You could be entitled to compensation after you were mis-called about PPI."

He invoiced one of the firms for £10 for every minute he wasted answering their telephone calls. He also recorded the calls, meaning that when the unscrupulous company denied ever having rung him, he was armed with incontrovertible proof to the contrary.

I'm so glad someone is fighting back. I get a lot of spam calls, so much so I leave my land-line phone unplugged. But when I plug it back in when I need it, it always rings within a few minutes. Recent cold calls I have had (these aren't made up, and are as word-for-word as I can remember) include...

THEM: Hello Sir. Am I calling on behalf of Microsoft. Do you have a computer in the house?
ME: Yes.
THEM: Well, there is a problem that we have discovered with a virus, and you may be at risk...
ME: Oh, well I don't...
THEM: If you have a minute we can do a test on your computer to see if you are infected...
ME: No, I don't...
THEM: We can check and...
ME: Are you going to listen to what I have to say!?
THEM: Yes sir.
ME: I have Linux computers.
THEM: (pause) Oh. (hangs up)

And then there was...

ME: Hello.
THEM: Hello, my name is John. I am calling you today from London.
ME: No you're not. (Hangs up)

The reason I hung up was this, do you know how to tell if someone is actually calling from London? They don't start by saying they're calling from London. This is not the bloody Eurovision.

And my favourite cold call went like this.

ME: Hello.
THEM: Hello, is that Neil?
ME: No, you've got the wrong number.
THEM: No, I have the right number, I have the wrong name.
ME: Well, I'm fairly sure of my own number, but I'm bloody certain of my own name!

>Read the source story

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Virginity For Sale

A Brazilian student has reportedly sold her virginity for almost half a million pounds in an online auction.

Wow. And to think, I just gave mine away. Along with the cash that middle-aged woman wanted, for cigarettes.

It's 20-year-old Catarina Migliorini, who was one of two virgins to take part in the auction for an Australian documentary. A Japanese man bid £487,000 to be the first to take her to bed.

Seedy, dirty, exploitative? Maybe. But times are hard and at nearly half a mil for a virginity, I can't be the only one thinking this is how we get out of the economic troubles. If we sold all the virgins in the UK for half a million pounds we could make about £6million.

Catarina said she would use the money to study medicine in Argentina. Well, save some for the therapy you'll need. In fact, you might need to save most of it for that.

She said in an interview, "For me, it's not prostitution." You're quite right. Why would paying for sex be prostitution?

She added, "When someone does something once in his or her life, this is not considered a profession. If you take a picture and it comes out good, you are not a photographer because of it."

Although, tell that to Chesney Hawkes. One good song and he's still called a singer.

Is this a sexist issues, showing than men treat women as nothing more than a commodity? Well, no, because the other virgin who sold their cherry was a man. Alex Stepanov from Russia sold his virginity for £1,800.

Hang on. £485,000 for her but £1,800 for him. Someone should tell him about the recent high court ruling that says man and women should get paid the same amount for the same grade of work.

Although, that depends on if the act of losing your virginity is the same grade work for a man and a women. Well, the nervousness, the pain, the crying after... the shame, the ruined reputation, the dress you have to throw away... but I don't know what it's like for the women.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 37 - Lance Armstrong, George Osborne, Porn Addiction and Jobs

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 37. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Lance Armstrong (starts 01:16)
George Osborne's Ticket (starts 06:03)
Porn Addiction (starts 08:36)
Worst Bits of Your Job (starts 09:50)
Megan Stammers (starts 12:13)



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Women's Perfect Day

A study has looked at what would make up a woman's ideal day, for some reason. The perfect day breaks down like this.

8 hours of uninterrupted sleep (That means no snoring, right? That's already a fail.)

106 minutes of 'intimate relations' (A whole 106 minutes!? Surely that's 100 minutes of begging and 6 minutes of actually doing it.)

98 minutes of spending time on the computer (Ah, so that's how you get in the mood for the 8 minutes of intimate relations.)

82 minutes socialising (That means Twitter, right?)

78 minutes relaxing (That means Twitter on the phone while lying down, right?)

68 minutes exercising (Well, 8 minutes of that is already covered in the 'intimate relations' part, if you're doing it right.)

57 minutes talking on the phone (Just the one phone call then, right ladies?)

56 minutes of shopping (Although if you have to buy something in the Post Office, 54 of that will be spent in the queue.)

36 minutes working (You only want to do 36 minutes of work in a whole working day? In that case, get a job in the Post Office.)

>Read the source story

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