Jordan's Fine (Not in that way)

Katie Price has been accused of using a mobile phone while driving a large pink horsebox.

There you go, ladies, not so proud of your ability to multi-task now?

She was driving her big pink monstrosity when she swerved. The newspapers said, "No one was hurt." Normally they say, "Luckily no one was hurt," but I suppose it is Jordon.

Apparently she tried to avoid a conviction by saying she was a "typical woman driver" - but failed and was fined £1,000.

And there goes decades of the feminist movement. Of course she's wrong, she's nothing like a "typical driver" of any gender. She's more like a "typical car" because she's mainly factory-made and has twin airbags as standard.

>Read the source story

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Send It Like Beckham

The Daily Star was saying that David Beckham's private eyes have finally tracked down lying hooker Irma Nici and slapped her with a £16 million libel writ.

That doesn't sound so difficult. Just go to where she's stripping and fold the writ up like it's a twenty.

The Beckhams are apparently celebrating this by taking a "second honeymoon".

That makes sense. Sounds like he's had a "second stag do" recently.

Private detectives acting for the couple tracked down the 26-year-old Bosnian beauty to New York's luxury W hotel.

Ouch! That must've cost them a lot of money to hire private detectives just to find a hooker. At least Wayne Rooney just used the Yellow Pages.

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Simon Cowell Gets Left Behind

Simon Cowell's biography is the book most often left behind in hotel rooms.

Really? I thought it would be the bible. There's been one left in every hotel room I've been in. Those Christians are a forgetful bunch. That's why they're lucky Jesus's birthday lands on Christmas, or they'd probably forget.

Travelodge say more than 20 thousand books were left in its rooms last year.

It makes you wonder, what are the reasons for leaving a copy of Simon Cowell's biography? There are two. Some people bought, didn't like it, and couldn't be bothered to carry it home. Or is it that some people bought it, loved it so much they stayed in their Travelodge room during a holiday just to devour every page and left it so the next person to have that room can share in the joy?

In this case there could be a third reason. Some people are big fans of Simon Cowell, bought the biography but didn't realise that to enjoy a book you have to be able to read.

The most shocking thing about this news story is that it's an unauthorised biography. I'm surprised Simon Cowell hasn't written an autobiography because, from my days as a writer, I can remember the advice I was given, "If you want to be successful write about something you love."

>Read the source story

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Recession Update - Toilet Roll Is Getting Smaller

A supermarket has admitted reducing the width of its toilet paper after a customer complained it was getting smaller.

Don't panic, it's only a little bit smaller. It's not like you'll be flossing.

72-year-old Ted Saunders measured a sheet on a new roll of Asda "Shades" and found it was 5mm narrower than the old one.

Wow. You have to have a lot of self confidence to do that, to use a new toilet roll and think, "This paper is smaller." Most of us would notice the difference and think, "Oh dear, my bum's getting bigger."

>Read the source story

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Vince Cable's Post-Speech Interview

The man who predicted the recession (then again, he's so old he's lived through five of them) Vince Cable gave his speech at the Lib Dem conference and it was big news.

Vinny attacked economic short-termism and speculation. He basically had a good old rant about capitalism and had a go at the bankers... like any taxi driver you've had for the last two years. At least he didn't blame it on the immigrants.

But what is he going to do next? Well, have a listen below and find out.

Please feel free to leave your comments.

>Watch the actual speech here

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Beckham's Bedroom Hatrick

A footballer in a sex scandal. Do you think the newspapers write these stories every time or do they just cut, paste and change a few names?

This time a 'hooker' has claimed David Beckham had a threesome with her.

Sounds like she's a schizo too. You can't have a three-in-a-bed session with only two people. Or is she saying it was David and his wife? Even then that only makes about 2.5 people by mass.

The headline seems a bit harsh, "Beckham's Fury At 3-In-Bed Hooker Claims". Fury? Come on, if you imply a bloke has had some three-way action, he's not furious. He takes it as a compliment but pretends to be upset to keep the missus happy.

But then you read the story and it says, "Irma Nici, 26, claimed he paid her £3,200 in cash to have unprotected sex at New York's Le Parker Meridien hotel in August 2007."

Ah, she claimed he paid for it. There's no compliment there. He's thinking, "Oi! I'm David Beckham. Haven't you seen the Armani ads, I could get it for free."

Wayne Rooney should say the same excuse to Coleen. She looks like she needs a good laugh.

>Read the source story

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Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy - 'I Wasn't Drunk, hic!'

Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy has said she was never drunk on air.

That's a shame. I'd love it if she called Andrew Sachs too. "'Ere, I did your granddaughter. She was... Game For A Laugh!"

There were rumours that Sarah Kennedy often turned up for her early morning radio show drunk, but she insisted she drank only orange juice or water before her show.

Isn't that worse? If you act like you're drunk because you're drunk, then OK, you were drunk. If you turn up to a radio show with a tattoo you don't remember getting and a traffic cone on your head and you haven't touched a drop... you've got bigger problems.

This is the actual quote from the paper, she said: "I have never, never, never in my life gone into the BBC other than being stone cold sober. It wouldn't even occur to me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

And then she said: "'Cos you and me, we're like best mates, yeah?. I f***ing love you, man. (Burp!) I wanna kebab."

>Read the source story

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Match Fixing Is Just Not Cricket

The cricket bribery scandal keeps growing and it led to fisticuffs at Lord's. England's Jonathan Trott and Pakistan's Wahab Riaz brawled over match-fix revelations. The pair grabbed each other by the throat and hurled four-letter abuse.

I don't know who won that fight but I heard Riaz was going to take a dive in the second round.

This comes after Ijaz Butt, the head of Pakistan cricket, says he believes England players have been paid to lose.

Well yeah. They're English sportsmen. That's what they do. If we didn't pay our sportsmen when they lost they'd all be on benefits.

All of this name calling and mud slinging came about because, on the weekend, a newspaper said illegal bookies in Dubai and India appeared to know in advance what would happen in Friday's Oval match.

Is that such a bad thing? Some of these cricket matches go on for five days. If we could find out the result at the start think of all the time we could save.

>Read the source story

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Pope's Gone Home

The Pope has gone home after his little UK holiday. When I get home from a holiday I hate having to do all those loads of washing. Still, at least he only has to do whites.

There was a great picture on the front cover of The Mirror the other day. I have included it at the top of this section because if you describe it you start to worry. It's someone from the Catholic church heading towards a young child. Oh dear.

But when you see the picture it's less worrying. It's a man wearing white, leaning out of a white van towards a young child. He looks like an ice cream man.

A lot of people were upset by this papal visit and I was too. He arrived in Edinburgh. That's about a month too late. The festival is all over now. If he would've got his ass in gear he could've come along to the show I did up there. I'd love to be the MC when the Pope is in the audience.

MC: Do we have anyone from overseas in?
POPE: Yep.
MC: Oh, where are you from?
POPE: The Vatican.
MC: I was going to say that's not a proper country but we're in Scotland right now. So, what's your name?
POPE: Er, Benedict the 16th.
MC: The 16th? So you're a small fraction? Isn't it time the Catholic church modernised? You should express that as a decimal. Eh? I'm here all week, try the veal.

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Aspirin - A Cure For Cancer

In The Express today, new research claims aspirin could stop bowel cancer.

That's great, but I only like to take aspirin orally. I tried it as a suppository once and I didn't like it. Admittedly, it was my fault for using a soluble tablet.

It was a mixture of hair and foam down there. Honestly, my bum looked like a rabid bear with a cleft palette.

Anyway, according to the report taking an aspirin every day can cut the chance of getting the cancer by at least 30%.

That's good news, unless you're in an unhappy marriage. Taking those aspirins means you can't use the excuse of having a headache to turn down sexual advances. And even worse, those same aspirin mean your hubby knows your bum's in working order.

>Read the source story

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British Petroleum Report - Audio Bits

British Petroleum, aka BP, aka messy gits, produced their own report into the Deepwater Horizon disaster. Some said it was biased, some said it was fair. Some said things that actually made no sense but kind of got a laugh, and that's what this website is here for.

Below is an audio feature, just 1:35 long, about the BP report. Just press play to have a quick listen.

And please feel free to leave your comments.

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BBC's Empire Strikes Back

Members of BBC staff are threatening strike action over their pension deal. It could affect some of the broadcaster's TV shows.

Surely we could come to some compromise. How about some BBC staff can strike but only those who work on that new show E20? That way, everyone is happy.

The National Union of Journalists, Bectu and Unite plan two 48-hour strikes designed to cause maximum disruption.

But even if they cause a lot of disruption, there'll be no one left to report it. It won't get mentioned in the news as there'll be no journalists left to broadcast it.

I feel sorry for some of the BBC workers who have to strike. It's easy if you work on the 9 O'clock News and it's easy if you work on Panorama. But if you try to protest when you work on "Can't Cook, Won't Cook", you'll just blend in.

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Lady Gaga's Meaty Treat

Lady Gaga has caused all kinds off controversy after wearing a meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards.

I don't see why. I often leave the house covered in my own food. If you have a meat coat people get upset, if you have meat down the front of your Star Wars T-shirt, you're golden.

And I've met women who have had meat underpants. Well, at least it smelt like the... you don't want to hear the rest.

It comes after Gaga recently angered animal rights activists by posing for a Japanese magazine in a 'meat bikini'.

I didn't even know you could get clothes that are made from meat. Although it explains those naked picture of Kerry Katona. Like she could hold off eating.

It's a strange fashion choice. I've left it late to do a wash in the past but I have never run out of all my clothes and had to get dressed from the fridge.

GaGa went on Ellen DeGeneres's TV show to explain why she did it. She said: "It has many interpretations, but if we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And I am not a piece of meat."

Hmm. Makes sense. But then she added: "I never thought I'd be asking Cher to hold my meat purse."

And I bet Cher was shocked when you actually produced a purse made from meat. She was busy warming up her hands.

It's not the first time Lady GaGa has done something to be shocking. She once posed nude for a magazine. Now when you look at those pictures you think, "Tut. Put some meat on."

>Read the source story

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